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Description
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ToC Cover: Kiss and Tell with Katy Perry by Katie Peoples (p32); Macy Gray's Anatomy by Rachel Shatto (p35); Coming Out While Married by Jamie Wetherbe (p36); 11 Wedding No-Nos by Robin Miner-Swartz (p37); Border Crossing by Kyra Thomson (p38); As Goes Connecticut? by Alison Walkley (p40); Dissecting Prop 8 by Kristin A. Smith (p41); No Military Marriage by Marcie Bianco (p42); Leather and Lace by Stephanie Schroeder (p43); Legos for All by Beren DeMotier (p44); What I Didn't Expect by Andrea Askowitz (p46); Travel: Honeymoon Hot Spots (p47).
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issue
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3
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Date Issued
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April 2009
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Format
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PDF/A
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Publisher
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Frances Stevens
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Identifier
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Curve_Vol19_No3_April-2009_0CR_PDFa.pdf
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extracted text
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7
25274 80539 6
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SPEAKING
curve
THE BEST-SELLING
APRIL 2009
I
LESBIAN MAGAZINE
VOLUME 19 NUMBER 3
Publisher and Founder Frances Stevens
EDITORIAL
Editor in Chief Diane Anderson-Minshall
Managing Editor Katie Peoples
Assistant Editor Rachel Beebe
Book Review Editor Rachel Pepper
Music Review Editor Margaret Coble
Contributing Editors Julia Bloch, Victoria A. Brownworth,
Gina Daggett, Sheryl Kay, Gretchen Lee, Stephanie Schroeder,
Rachel Shatto
Copyeditor Katherine Wright
Editorial Assistants Kim Bale, Ainsley Drew, Nina Lary, Andrea
Millar, Heather Robinson
Katy Perry? Really?
PUBLISHING
Advertising Sales Diana L Berry, Rivendell Media
Advertising Assistant LaKeisha Hughes
Social Networking Lindy Shelton
ART/PRODUCTION
The first question some of you may ask when you pick up this issue might be,
"Why Katy Perry:"' It's a valid point, and one that took up some heady debate
time in the curve office this month.
There's a huge list of gay and non-gay women our readers have told us they'd
love to have grace our cover, and among the newest, freshest faces in 2008 was
Christian singer turned overnight pop sensation Katy Perry. I think there's
more reason for this than her hit song, "I Kissed a Girl:' (For one, while other
MTV superstars are wearing virtually nothing, the retro-style singer sports
those cute Lolita-ish pink and apple green rompers).
But, with so many great lesbian musicians, why put a bicurious-at-best girl .
on the cover? For one, because you asked for it. Two, because once upon a time
a lot of lesbians were once bicurious girls who locked lips with another chick on
a dare, and then decided to switch teams permanently. Maybe most importantly, because Perry has got lesbians debating the importance and impact
of pop culture voyeurs who seem to speak our language, even if it is, as Perry
says, a bit of a lark. We asked Perry and some lesbian superstars-actor
Jill Bennett, blogger Dorothy Snarker, promoter Mariah Hanson-what
they thought about the whole phenomenon.
Meanwhile, it's easy to think Prop. 8 has been talked to death, but as I
sit here waiting for the court decision (at press time we are waiting for the
oral arguments to begin), I'm reminded of how much the issue of same-sex
marriage has galvanized the LGBT community, proving to America how very
important family-however we want to define it-is to lesbians. That's why
I'm thrilled this issue includes our special annual wedding section, several
articles on family building (including a very funny gay take on why pregnancy
is not so fun) and a travel section that's dedicated to great unexpected places
to go for your wedding or honeymoon. Yes, we have Vegas, but Yukon also
takes a starring role!
Soon-maybe
even by the time you read this-the
California Supreme
Court will make a decision that's going to, one way or another, alter history
forever. Let's hope next month in this column I'm celebrating the victory of
a lifetime.
Art Director Stefanie Liang
Photo Editor Hayley McMillen
Production Manager Ondine Kilker
Production Artist Kelly Nuti
Web Producer Nikki Woelk
CONTRIBUTING
WRITERS
Kathy Beige, Kelsy Chauvin, Jennifer Corday, Lyndsey
D'Arcangelo, Beren deMotier, Michele Fisher, Tania Hammidi,
Jodi Helmer, Kathi lsserman, Gillian Kendall, Kate Lacey, Charlene
Lichtenstein, Karen Loftus, Karlyn Latney, Candace Moore, Aefa
Mulholland, Alison Peters, Catherine Plato, Aimsel L Ponti, Laurie
K. Schenden, Kristin A. Smith, Dave Steinfeld, Edie Stull, Robin
Miner-Swartz, Kyra Thomson, Jocelyn Voo, Alison Walkley, Melany
Walters-Beck
CONTRIBUTING
ILLUSTRATORS
& PHOTOGRAPHERS
Paul Michael Agular, Michelle Bart, Erica Beckman, Phil Cho,
Cheryl Craig, Tony Donaldson, Sophia Hantzes, Gabriela Hashun,
Janet Mayer, Maggie Parker, Elisa Shebaro, Katherine Streeter,
Kina Williams, Misty Winter
1550 Bryant Street, Suite 510
San Francisco, CA 941 03
Phone (415) 863-6538 Fax (415) 863-1609
Advertising Sales (415) 863-6538 ext. 10 or (212) 446-6700
Subscription Inquiries (818) 286-31 02
Advertising Email advertising@curvemag.com
Editorial Email editor@curvemag.com
Letters to the Editor Email letters@curvemag.com
Volume 19 Issue 3 Curve (ISSN 1087 -867)() is published monthly (except for bimonthly
January/February and July/August) by Outspoken Enterprises, Inc., 1550 Bryant St.,
Ste. 510, San Francisco, CA 94103. Subscription price: $4g.95/year, $62.95 Canadian
(U.S. funds only) and $71.95 international (U.S. funds only). Returned checks will be assessed
a $25 surcharge. Periiodicals postage paid at San Francisco, CA 94114 and at addttional
mailing offJCeS(USPS 0010-355). Contents of Curve Magazine may not be reproduced in any
manner, either whole or in part, without written pennissionfrom the publisher. Publication of
the name or photograph of any persons or organizations appearing, advertising or listing in
Curve may not be taken as an indication of the sexual orientation of that individual or group
unless specifically stated. Curve welcomes letters, queries, unsolicited manuscripts and
artwork. Include SASE for response. Lack of any representation only signifies insufficient
materials. Submissions cannot be returned unless a sett-addressed stamped envelope is
included. No responsibility is assumed for loss or damages. The contents do not necessarily
represent the opinions of the editor, unless specifically stated. All magazines sent discreetly.
Subscription Inquiries: Please wme to Curve, 1550 Bryant Street, Sutte 51o, San Francisco,
CA 94103, email shop@curvemag.com, or call 818-286-3102. Canadian Agreement
Number: 40793029. Postmaster:Send Canadianaddresschanges to shop@curvemag.com,
Curve,
PO Box 122, Niagara Falls, ON L2E 688. Send U.S. addresschanges to shop@curvemag.com,
Curve,POBox 17138,N. Hollywood,
CA91615-7138. Printedin theU.S.
curvemag.com
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Features APRIL2009
32
Kiss and Tell With Katy Perry
The Dinah headliner clears up a few things
about her music, image and smooching
women. By Katie Peoples
35
Macy Gray's Anatomy
We get an insider look at what makes the
singer tick. By Rachel Shatto
36
37
38
40
41
42
43
44
46
47
HereComethe Brides
Coming Out While Married
Millions of queers come out to their spouses
every year. One lesbian tells her story. By
Jamie Wetherbe
11 Wedding No-Nos
The things you need to avoid on the big
day. By Robin Miner-Swartz
Border Crossing
With states legalizing marriage but DOMA
still in place, binational love comes with its
own obstacles. By Kyra Thomson
As Goes Connecticut?
The East Coast state is giving California a
run for its money. By Alison Walkley
Dissecting Prop. 8
The California ballot measure is pretty complicated. Here's why. By Kristin A. Smith
No Military Marriage
Why a removal of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell"
won't get rid of discrimination entirely.
By Marcie Bianco
Leather and Lace
These edgy, stylish wedding designers are
making lesbian brides swoon.
By Stephanie Schroeder
Legos for All
Gendered toys get this dyke mom all worked
up. By Beren OeMotier
What I Didn't Expect ...
The author of My Miserable, Lonely, Lesbian
Pregnancy gives us the dirt on the unexpected.
By Andrea Askowitz
Travel: Honeymoon Hot Spots
From Vegas to Yukon to Maui, we've got the
coolest places for your post-nuptial lovefests.
"I am a gay activistand I say that
proudly.I voted no on Prop.8 and
I've come a longway from where
I was raised.I definitelybelievein
equality."Katy Perry >> page 32
April 2009
I3
Departments APRIL2009
2
Frankly Speaking
22
8
9
Letters
24
Contributors
10
16
This Is What a Lesbian Looks Like
17
Out in Front
18
20
25
64
AstroGrrl
12
Open Studio
Lipstick & Dipstick
curve
Politics
28
Dyke Drama
One night stand rules to live by.
I Tried It
Curvatures
Celebrity Gossip
Tyra fantasizes about Angelina. Portia likes
strong chicks. Margaret Cho dishes on Ann
Coulter. And, could Sam and Lindsay be on
the rocks?
41
life and why sugar mamas aren't worth it.
Health & Money: How to keep your
noggin in top shape and find your calling,
even in a bummer economy.
Why All My Children is ahead of the curve.
Top Ten Reasons We Love ...
CS/'s Riley, Frye boots, lesbian bands,
Point winners and why Minnie's Flaming
Film Festival is on hold.
18
26
Advice
Relationships: Tips for a steamy sex
Entertainment Reviews
56
Music: Po' Girls and Indigo Girls take center stage. And Laura Lee Schultz speaks.
58
Books: Tristan Taormino says farewell
to Best Lesbian Erotica. Plus, Cooper
Lawrence examines fame.
60
Film: Milk gets high marks this month.
Buddy G creators take our questions.
62
Tech: Gaming delivered right to your door.
Plus, Polaroid enters the 21st century.
BRI06ESTORE
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LETTERS
The Sex Issue Alison Pill Tristan Taormlno
!
nn Bannon
speak of our stereotypes-vixens,
hypersexed and different. I know that you know
this is not all our community is about, but
what would a mother think of your layout if
her teen daughter gave her Peter's article in
hopes of being understood?
- SylveaHollis, Iowa City
Sex It Up
A Thousand Words
I loved your article on black women coming out ("On the Down Low" by Alison
Peters) [Vol. 19 #1]. I am speaking as an
African American lesbian originally from the
South who is out to my parents, colleagues
and closest friends. I did not, however, like
the photo you ran with the story. Deciding
i£ when and how to tell your family and
community that you are lesbian, bisexual or
queer is a huge discussion. It's serious. The
image that you used was not. Please do not
misunderstand the meaning of this letter.
The woman in the photograph is beautiful.
Unfortunately, usually when you are on the
down low you don't feel beautiful-you
feel
like half a person, someone living a double
life. Additionally the second half of the page
carried a brief article called, "A Lesbian Call
Girl Tells All:' Again, I'm not knocking the
story, just its placement.
I am saying that such a well-written, articulate article could in the future be used
as a real resource for members of the LGBT
community who are having problems coming out. It could be shared with loved ones,
friends and churches in hopes of giving
voice to African American, Southern and
other sexually repressed individuals' struggles. There are people who would love to
borrow Peters' words, in hopes that their
family could understand the larger ramifications of what they have been going through.
For people who do not know our LGBT
community, the images around the article
6
I curve
I read your January article about lesbian
bed death ("Is Lesbian Bed Death Realt
by Victoria Brownworth) [Vol. 19 #l] and
was so surprised with what I read. I was in
a nearly sexless hetero relationship for 15
years. When we did have sex it felt so onesided and degrading. When I started dating my girlfriend two and a half years ago
it was such a different experience. The sex
was amazing and has only gotten better. We
make love at least a couple times a week and
we would probably be in bed more often if it
weren't for our jobs and kids. It saddens me
to read that so many lesbian couples aren't
able to enjoy the most amazing thing about
being lesbian! Maybe curve should start
writing more articles about sex and how to
spice up a relationship's sex life.
- MER, Buffalo,N.Y.
I enjoyed Victoria Brownworth's article "Is
Lesbian Bed Death Real?" in your first issue of 2009 [Vol. 19 #l]! I couldn't agree
more with the article's conclusion that sex is
good and good for you and that it
is important for women in samesex relationships to make the time
for much-needed intimacy in their
lives. Some of your data may be
a bit pessimistic and out of date,
however. While you are correct
in stating that the Schwartz and
Blumstein
American
Couples
study has not yet been replicated,
my colleagues and I are in the process of conducting a large scale
longitudinal study of same-sex and other-sex
couples from across North America that will
attempt to answer many of the questions
that Schwartz and Blumstein asked of their
sample in the late 1970s and early '80s.
The first phase of the study has been com-
pleted ( thanks to the many curve readers
who participated!), and I'm happy to report
that in our sample, the lesbians were very
sexually satisfied and not experiencing lesbian bed death at all. In fact, our same-sex
couples were more sexually satisfied than
our heterosexual couples, and they enjoyed a
greater variety of sexual activities. In particular, our study was able to capture women's
desire for and satisfaction gained from the
more "sensual" aspects of sexuality, such as
foreplay.
The previous literature's findings that
women, and especially lesbians, have lower
sex drives or have sex less frequently has a lot
to do with how those studies have defined
sex. When the standard is penile-vaginal
penetration, it is not hard to believe that
there would be a lot of lesbian bed death going around.
The second phase of the study isjust about
to begin and we plan to look into these issues
further, especially questions concerning frequency of specific sexual activities. While as
a researcher I must remain objective, as an
individual I certainly hope we continue to
find a lack of evidence for lesbian bed death!
- Karen L. Blair,MSc, Kingston,
Ontario
Wedding Bells
It has been a while since we have been able
to read curve and I tried to catch a glimpse
at the Barnes & Noble by our
house but they seem to be getting snagged off the shelves
faster than we can get therewhich is a great thing! As the
war on gay marriage continues,
my partner and I are taking a
moment to reflect on the past
year. After being together for
six years we are proud to say we
had a small but beautiful wedding in Palm Springs, Cali£ It
was a ground-breaking moment in timeone that is worth fighting for so others can
follow suit. Cheers to a new year of hope
ahead!
- Denise Auer (redhead)and Renee
DeMont (blonde),Riverside,Calif.
COMING
UP
From the Editor
Last year when we
put together our
wedding issue,
everyone at the
office was flush
with excitement
over California's
new marriage
laws that allowed
same-sex couples
to wed. What a difference a year
makes. Now, everyone that got
married last year is waiting to see
•
if they'll remain "legally wed."
Advice You Can Follow
Don't miss the latest episode of The Lipstick
& Dipstick Show at curvemag.com. Our
lesbolicious advice gurus tackle your sexiest
and most intriguing relationship problems.
So it's no surprise that many
of this year's wedding articles
explain the rules and legislation
and even cultural confines that
•
regulate our lives and our right
to marry who we love, whether
you're in the military, just coming
out, in love with an immigrant or
just an average Jane planning
nuptials outside the confines of
the courthouse. We didn't have
many wedding no-nos among
•
rarely remember the wedding
day bummers) so we brought
Miner-Swartz to document the
11 biggest lesbian wedding
mistakes. Let us know what
you think!
Diane Anderson-Minshall
Editor in Chief
s Icurve
Po' Girl Sounds Off
Margaret Coble calls them "urban roots troubadours" whose new album is a "hypnotic
blend ... distilled into a timeless, melancholy
soundscape." Check out our exclusive interview with Canadian trio Po' Girl.
us (women on their honeymoons
in frequent contributor Robin
Hook Up Or Drink Up?
We know you've been waiting for us to plug in and
join the blogosphere with all that's fresh, fun and frisky
in lesboland. Wait no longer. Our Hook-Up Blog is
contributing editor Stephanie Schroeder's guide to
girl-on-girl dating, relationships, sex and everything in
between. And travel writer Karen Loftus' A Lofty Life
takes you to the ultimate destinations, stopping along
the way for decadent dining, drinking and, um,
recreation. Now that's the good life.
•
Springtime on the Slopes
Head to gay-friendly Park City, Utah to swish
down the slopes at the National Ability
Center, a winter wonderland for skiers
with disabilities. Plus, if you missed
our Utah travel coverage a couple
of months ago, now's your
chance to check out the hottest
spots for playing in the powder.
Because the season's not over
'till the snow is gone.
CONTRIBUTORS
"I came out just a few months before walking down the aislenothing like calling off a wedding and selling your dress on eBay,
then telling your entire family you're gay;' says contributing writer
JamieWetherbe
who wrote"There Goes the Bride" (pg 36)."Still;' she
adds, "Most of the research focuses on men who come out while in
heterosexual marriages. I wanted to show a woman's point of view:'
Wetherbe also works as an assistant editor at the Los Angeles Times.
Previously, she traveled the world from Antarctica to Antigua to report on the latest trends
in travel as the assistant editor for TravelAge West magazine. As an adjunct faculty member, Wetherbe teaches journalism and design at community colleges throughout Southern
California, and is a contributing writer for several LGBT publications, including IN and
Frontiers magazines. After a Midwestern upbringing, she left small-town Minnesota for the
California sun and now lives in West Hollywood with her two mutts, Butch and Meow.
There is an obvious correlation, in contributing writer Marcie
Bianco'sopinion, between the issues of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell"
and gay marriage. Bianco explores this correlation in her article
"Hostile Territory" (pg 42). "I wanted to articulate just how debilitating-emotionally,
yes, but more so financially-the lack of
marriage benefits is to gay service members and their families;'
says Bianco. "The issue of marriage in political discourse is a fundamentally economic issue;' she argues,"and therefore our government as a social system is legally required to recognize and provide
equal benefits to all people who desire it:' Bianco is currently writing her dissertation about how Christopher Marlowe's dramatic
oeuvre creates an enticingly perverse ethics. Having just moved to New York City, she is
attempting to immerse herself in the creative and sensual energies that the city embodies, in
order to both finish her dissertation and begin new writing projects. In her spare time she
watches Buffy.A lot.
'Tm all for good looks and looking good, but bootylicious babes
aside, there really is something intrinsically sexy about strong,
smart, dedicated women, no matter what they look like;' says Out
In Front columnist and contributing editor SherylKay.For the
past three years, Kay has been bringing curve readers a glimpse
of the lives of three outstanding community leaders every month.
She's also been known to frequent the most happening lesbian
hot spots in the southeast, where she snaps photos of smiling partygoers for Scene. Most recently, she's also been writing
radio scripts for a nationally syndicated health news show, dishing
up business and religion columns for the St. Petersburg Times and editing an amazing new
cookbook geared to the LGBT community. On those rare occasions when she breaks away
from the keyboard, Kay (whose pals call her by her Hebrew name Sharone) plays house in
Tampa, Fla., where she tries to keep up with four kids, her delicious Dalmatian and her sweet
life companion, Ms. B.
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Taking the Wheel
Every year, the Point Foundation awards
scholarships to outstanding LGBT youth.
Here are three of the 27 scholars honored
last year as leaders dedicated to serving their
communities:
A native of Los Angeles,
ShawnnaDemmons( right, top)
moved to San Francisco in 2000
and enrolled at San Francisco
Sate University to escape being discriminated against because of her sexual identity. She
graduated at the top of her class with
a Bachelor of Arts in black studies.
Active in the fight to end discrimination, Demmons found her niche in the
field of public health. She has worked
with the Institute for Community
Health Outreach and the department
of psychiatry at UCSF and she volunteers as
the outreach coordinator for the California
Coalition for Women Prisoners. Demmons
is currently pursuing a master's degree in
public health at SFSU.
DjamikaSmith(right, bottom) was born in
Bali, Indonesia, and moved to Ashland, Ore.,
when she was 7. Smith is bisexual, biracial
and bicultural and has spent much of her life
working with organizations striving to end
all types of discrimination. She cofounded
the Gay-Straight Alliance at Ashland High
School and was involved in many events
promoting tolerance. Smith is currently majoring in graphic design at the
Maryland Institute College of Art. She
plans to continue her humanitarian efforts after graduation.
Raised in Richmond, Va., Keara
Watkinscame out at the age of 15.
Her mother's drug addiction made
her absent for most of Watkins'
life. Watkins moved away from
her abusive family when she was
17, renting an apartment with her
partner until she completed an
international baccalaureate program in high school and began
studying at Spelman College in Atlanta. She
is currently a sophomore majoring in Spanish
and comparative women's studies and is the
vice-president of Afrekete, Spelman's LGBT
organization. Watkins plans to pursue a law
degree with a focus on civil rights for women, queer-identified individuals and African
Americans.
[KimBale]
Close to Our Hearts
JuliaFiske(topright)witnessed
howbreastcancerdoesn'tjust
inflictphysicaldamage-it erodesself-esteem,
challenges
femininity andwoundsthespirit.Twoof herfamilymembers
sufferedthe
painof losingbothbreaststo thedisease,
andFiskewasstruckbythewaythisaffected
their
mindsaswellastheirbodies.ButFiske-an experienced
fashiondesigner
forthelikesof
Levi's-wasn'taboutto takecancer'sinsultslyingdown.Usingequalpartsmanagement
skillsandmoxieshesetforthto foundSavetheTa-tas,a uniqueandgood-natured
approach
to eradicating
breastcancer.Featuring
a subtleandingenious
logo,SavetheTa-tassellshats,
T-shirtsandtanks,with5 percentof eachsalegoingtowardorganizations
liketheBreastCancer
Research
Foundation.
Ontopof tops,Ta-tasalsocreatedBoobLube,a soapdesigned
to beusedin
theshowerwhileperforming
yourmonthlybreastexam.Inswankyscentslikecedarrose,andwith
examination
instructions
conveniently
locatedonthebottle,it's a classyandsavvywayto takethe
fearoutof the monthlygrope.Asof lastAugust,thecompany
haslaunched
a sisterfoundation,
the
SaveTheTa-tasFoundation,
whichdonatesmoneyto organizations
thatworkto educate,
prevent
andfinda curefor breastcancer.
Ta-tasis tirelessin theireffortsto squelchthestigmaof the
disease,
andto getit off of ourchestsforever.
Thecompany's
missionhascaughtonwithcelebrities
includingScarlettJohanssen,
LindsayLohan,MarleeMatlinandCamryn
Manheim-proofthat
acrossall walksof life,cancercanbedevastating,
butlaughterheals.[AinsleyDrew]
121 curve
Bu-Bye Minneapolis
the rundown
Flaming Film Festival's Ganser shifts focus
If you've built up a high Pride tolerance
Lisa Ganser, the executive director of the Flaming Film Festival, has been busy
exploring her musical side, emceeing and curating Flaming Cabaret at Patrick's
Cabaret in Minneapolis, working on her own band and settling into her new home in
Seattle. Last year's Cabaret featured Shawn
Streepy, who made her drag debut, Big Is
Beautiful, who left the crowd hot, bothered and
questioning conventional beauty standards,
and the drag king troupe Mustache Bois, who
hyped the audience with mid '90s alternative rock and boot worship. Ganser (right)
even threw in a mini-documentary about the
tVagilantes, her all-woman hip-hop group. The
Vagilantes are continuing to record and they're
planning a tour this summer, so be sure to
keep your eyes on your local listings.
Ganser says she has accepted a position
as volunteer coordinator with the Northwest
Film Forum and she plans to be involved in the
Seattle Lesbian and Gay Film Festival. In her
absence, Minneapolis' Flaming Film Festival is on hiatus and, according to Ganser,
funding has become an issue. "In these trying economic times, the arts and nonprofit organizations struggle even more than the usual," Ganser explains. [ArisaWhite]
ing the ol' buzz, it's time to make plans
and your usual events just aren't deliver~
for WorldPride2012.
London will play host
to the global festivities,
which are expected to
attract over 1 million
visitors, many of whom
will be on queue for
the parade by 2011...
Olympic gold medalist NatalieCook
recently wed fellow beach volleyball star
SarahMaxwellin
New Zealand. The
private ceremony
made it impos~
sible to confirm that
they wore matching white bikinis, but
that's the way we'd like to imagine it ...
The GayandLesbian
BandAssociation
assembled nearly 200 musicians to make
history as the first LGBT marching band
to take part in a presidential inaugural
The Gaydar
parade. The group was selected from
Here's a taste of lesbians in pop culture this month.
Who missed the mark and who was right on target?
ing bands around the
among 1,300 march~
country to take part
in President
Obama's
~
ThePope:Benedict
XVIsaysthat
preserving
traditional , •
,,;genderidentities
~
is asimportant
aspreserving
the
rainforests
inauguration, which
proves we can march
straight when we have
to ... As if we needed
another reason to hate
the gym, a Minnesota
appeals court recently upheld a rul~
ing that found it legal to deny a family
membership to a lesbian couple because
they are not married ... The USANational
Longitudinal
Lesbian
Studyhas found that
lesbian parents raise happy, healthy, high~
functioning children and that discrim~
ination-not
the sexual orientation of
the parents-damages
kids ... That's great
news for many tots looking for parents
in the United Kingdom, where as of Jan.
1, it is illegal for adoption
agencies
to dis~
criminate against gay and lesbian couples.
PortiaDiRossi
dead?HowcouldNip/
Tuckk.o.
ourfavoritegoldengirl?
Here'shopinghernewseries,ABC's
BetterOffTed,is at leasthalfasgood
[Heather
Robinson]
LESBOFILE
S12ring
CleaningTime
Ladies coming out of the closet and going into therapy. By Jocelyn Voo
Yes,IAm
California's Proposition 8 has a lot of people's
panties up in a bunch, but maybe that's not
a bad thing. At a November protest rally,
comedian WandaSykespublicly came out, announcing that she'd gotten married on Oct.
25 to a woman. Though Sykes had previously
been married to a man (whom she divorced
in '98), she told the crowd, "You know, I don't
really talk about my sexual orientation. I didn't
feel like I had to. I was just living my life, not
necessarily in the closet, but I was living my
life... Everybody that knows me personally,
they know I'm gay. But that's the way people
should be able to live their lives... Now, I gotta
get in their face. I'm proud to be a woman. I'm
proud to be a black woman, and I'm proud to
be gay:'
You tell 'em, sister.
Onlyin HerDreams
Oh, TyraBanks,what won't you do for more
14
Icurve
York Post reports that the duo are in couples'
therapy.
But despite their issues, Ronson is all for
sticking up for her girlfriend. When Lohan,
wearing a fur stole over a blue dress, got
flour-bombed by PETA activists waiting
outside a Paris nightclub, Ronson took to
her MySpace blog to chastise the animal
rights activists.
"I don't wear fur, but I don't think I have
the right to ATTACK those who do. No one
has that right;' she blogged. "PETA should
focus their efforts on educating people on
what they believe are injustices instead of
seeking press via harassing those in the limelight. I received an apology too many days
late from the PETA folks (the blog removal
was too little too late) and today I'm pissed
at the bag of flour thrown on Lindsay last
night. Not because I got powdered down,
but because the girl who threw it acted like
an animal herself I take that back, it's an insult to animals to group her in with them,
my dog is FAR more civilized than that
person. I would have more respect for them
if they didn't use other people to get their
TV timer She's shown how much she loves us point across [sic]:'
on Top Model and recently, the supermodelOne lesbian, one questionable "lesbian;'
turned-television superhero had ParisHilton and animal rights issues: Could this setup be
as a guest on her daytime talk show, all to pro- any gayer if I tried?
mote the heiress's reality show, Paris Hilton's
My New BFF.When Tyra asked Paris what JustYourAverage,
NormalCouple
celebrity she'd want to be friends with, Paris ThomasBeatie,the trans man who gave birth
responded with the world's most obvious to a baby girl in July, is pregnant for the second
choice: Angelina Jolie. Ah, yes, Tyra agreed, time. In an interview with LarryKing,Beatie
that's a good choice. Because "if you have les- asserted that when he and his wife, Nancy,
bian dreams, she's the one that you want to met, they were a "normal couple:'
sleep with:' No, we're not making this up.
"I lived my life as a woman at that point;'
ForOnce,WhitePowder
That'sNotCocaine
This month's obligatory LiRo update:
SamanthaRonsonand LindsayLohan'srelationship seems to be rocky-the Sun reports
that Lohan"wants an open relationship where
she can explore her heterosexuality;' and that
Ronson started throwing fists at Lohan's
ex, Calum Best, when she saw the twosome
dancing at a London hotspot, while the New
Beatie told King. "Legally, I was female. But
inside I still felt male. So the way other people
perceived us, they saw us as a lesbian couple.
"Do you feel gayt King asked Nancy.
"I don't feel gay;'Nancy said.
"So you feel you're married to a mant
rr
~
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~
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"Completely?"
"Yes. Even when he was pregnant, he was
still a man to me:' ■
~
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4£
CAMBRIA
WONEN'S
WEEKEN
She Said
WHERE
THEFOREST
MEETS
THEOCEAN
ANDTHEWOMEN
COME
OUTTOP Y!
Sepiember
IO·13,2001
Central Coast of California
All New! All Fun!
AIIWomen!
• Live Music
• Comedy Night
• Welcome Dinner
• Dance Parties
• Lingerie Contest
• Lawn & Pool Party
• Wine Tasting
• Ocean Kayaking
• Volleyball
• Guided Hikes
OUTINFRONT
BreakingThroughBoundaries
Three women who don't let anything stop them. By Sheryl Kay
QueerCripPolitics
LoreeErickson
was raised in small town, rural
Virginia. This erotic film director and disabled activist seeks to defy traditional labels
and today she likes to call herself a femme
gimp queer activist. "Femme is not tied to a
lesbian identity, rather a queer identity," says
Erickson, who lives in Toronto. "Queer, to
me, is an identity committed to dismantling
the gender binary, fighting against the marginalization of all people, animals and the
environment, hot transgressive sex and imagining new possibilities:'
As a member of Damn 2025, Erickson
fights for radical disability politics and radical access by restructuring communities with
people so that all people are included. She's
also a member of Acsexxxable-a group that
promotes and creates sex- and disabilitypositive spaces for all people, regardless of
16
Icurve
race, ability and trans experiences.
One of her recent projects that is garnering international attention is WANT, a
nine-minute erotic and provocative film starring Erickson. "Making porn is one of the
best things I've ever done;' she said. "On a
political level, it allowed me to make a movie
that would not only offer a moment of recognition of how sexy queer crips could be, but
also a way to tell others how I wanted to be
seen:'
It's a RaceThing
Her involvement in a study of attitudes
towardblacklesbiansinthe'80satGeorgetown
University propelled Dr. LisaBowleginto a
career as a researcher, initially specializing in
HIV/ AIDS legislation and policy. Today, as
an associate professor at Drexel University,
Bowleg studies the experience of stress
caused by racism, heterosexism and sexism,
and her work indicates that many of the issues that LGBT African Americans face are
uniquely different from the ones that many
white middle-class LGBT activists typically
espouse as important. "Until we engage in
larger discussions to enhance understanding about black LGBT [people's] lives and
experiences, and where we place our political
priorities, I suspect that this disconnect between the black LGBT community and the
predominantly white LGBT community will
persist;' Bowleg says.
Nevertheless, Bowleg has high hopes,
especially with President Barack Obama's
revolutionary plan to unite all the federal
agencies to specifically address the disproportionate incidence and prevalence of
HIV/ AIDS among racial and ethnic minorities. She makes special mention of Obama's
~
•
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11,1
.... ,II,II,,.. ,II,I,I,I,I,,I.. ,II,I,.. , ,11.. 1,11
statement noting how homophobic atti~
tudes in black communities work against
preventing HIV transmission. "Obama
has already made a significant and impor~
tant symbolic difference in acknowledg~
ing how much more we need to do to
address HIV/ AIDS in the United
States," she says.
Reviving
Activism
As a queer Puerto Rican and sex abuse
survivor, Zulma Oliveras knows all about
being marginalized, making her an ideal
advocate for those who are not yet able to
tell their own stories.
Oliveras grew up thinking the civil
rights movement died with Martin
Luther King. But when she moved to
San Francisco 10 years ago, she saw other
activist groups organizing and making
headway.
Since then, Oliveras has indeed stood
on many a soap box. As an active member
of MASA (Mujeres de Ambiente Sociales
y Activas, or Queer Latinas for Social
Change), Oliveras' focus is to help queer
Latina women get access to medical and
other health services, and to teach them
empowerment and resilience. And she's
spent the last nine years as a core mem~
ber of the Dyke March in San Francisco.
"It's allowed me to grow as a lesbian, as
an activist and to struggle against those
who just can't stand the Dyke March," she
says.
Although she is not crazy about the
model of marriage adapted from the
hetero world, she did support the les~
bian community by educating others on
defeating Proposition 8.
"Ignorant people just don't want to see
that we are one people and we deserve the
same love and the same rights as any other
human being," Oliveras says. "Maybe the
government fears too many women will
be taking over property and having more
rights, which can destroy their white
patriarchy ... I hope so:' ■
LUCIE
BLUE
TREMBLAY
- LISA
KOCH
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SHAW
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WARD
SARAH
BEITENS
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DESIONBY
STUMPDESION.C0II
lneft4ess
1/
I
\
--
/11,
1,
,
ASTROGRRL
High Flying or High Maintenance?
Find out if she's just right for you. By Charlene Lichtenstein
Aries(March21-April20)
Sex:She loves you. She loves you not. She loves you.
She loves you not. She is becoming high maintenance.
Move on. Career:
You become the one to see and be at
work. Become a stingingly adept queen bee while you
can get away with anything and everything.
Taurus
(April21-May21)
Sex:Do you declare your love or wait? A certain gal
pal catches your eye but the uncertainty of her feelings
for you causes a delay. Some things are worth waiting
for. Career:
Friends in high places help you out of a job
jam. Better yet, maybe they can fix you up in your own
business.
I
N
~
)N
Gemini(May22-June21}
Sex:A love affair at work can derail your career pros,
pects if you can't keep it under wraps. Loose lips may
KNOW YOUR ARIES be fun but tight ones get you bigger rewards. Career:
Changes continue on the job. One day you're in and the
Youcanalwaysspota sapphic
next day you're out. I suggest you get out and stay out.
Ramby herstrong,bold,
proudandforthrightappearance.Thereshestands,with Cancer(June22-July23)
shoulders
squaredandhands Sex:April brings you new adventure and a spicy ro,
on heramplehips,practically mance or three. How much can you devour before you
beggingfor a confrontation.
But get heart burn? You won't know unless you try and see.
thetruthis,sister,thatthese Career:
Make your best career moves as the month pro,
galsareusuallyjust as ready gresses. Sometimes these require finesse and sometimes
for a bearhugor something
a you just have to push hard. Choose your move.
bit warmerandwetter.They
havean immensecapacityfor Leo(July24-Aug.23)
loveandaffectionanda robust
Sex:Lionesses are not only in top sexual form, they have
sexualappetite,if youdecideto
extra dollops of passion. You might become too hot to
givethema taste.Don'tlettheir
aggressively
feistyappearance handle in April. And I hear that she likes it that way!
dissuade
you;theyarelambs Career:If the job is getting boring, consider a move.
between
thesheets... andon Global opportunities are there if you pay attention. Or,
the kitchentable... andonthe try and slide by until they pay you to leave.
beach... andevenona small
glasscoffeetable.Saya few Virgo(Aug.24-Sept23)
sweetwordsin herearandyou Sex:Relationships heat up to a sexy boil. If you are on
couldbefeastingon broiled the prowl, be open to new places to hunt. Before you
lambchopseverynightof the know it, your mild spring will become a sweaty sum,
week.- FromHerScopes: mer. Career:
How much effort do you want to expend
A GuidetoAstrology
for others? Make sure business partnerships meet your
for Lesbians
expectations. Otherwise, do the unexpected.
Libra(Sept24-0ct 23)
Sex:Virgins find love in the supply closet. Don't let
1slcurve
yourself get caught up amongst the file drawers unless
you qualify for overtime. Career:
Enlist the help of col,
leagues. They might be willing to help you if they think
you'll reciprocate. Make them believe that you will ...
eventually.
Scorpio
(Oct24-Nov.22)
Sex: Find creative ways to show your love. Find
new tricks that tickle her fancy or rely on some old
standards. Anything can be sexy except liverwurst.
Career:Too much work can create stress and strain.
Find any excuse to take time off. As if you needed
an excuse!
Sagittarius
(Nov.23-0ec.22)
Sex:Lovergrrls flock to your door if you set out the
welcome mat. Make your home a love nest. Forget the
twigs and sap, though. Career:
All things being equal,
you would rather work from home. You may be given
the chance this month. But will it be your choice?
Capricorn
(Dec.23-Jan.20)
Sex:You know just what to say to get her to do what
you want, when you want. Will you use this power
for good or for evil? Let's try to guess ... Career:Use
all your skills to cement your job position early in
April. By the summer you can rule the roost. Don't
be a chicken now.
Aquarius
(Jan.21-feb.19}
Sex:While you think money can buy you love, it prob,
ably won't in April. Of course, it can grease the wheels,
and that may be all you need right now. Career:
Decide
what is and is not important on the job. Delegate what
is not important and cash in on what is.
Pisces(Feb.20-March20)
Sex:You are charming and delightful for a change.
Hurry before your crowd of admirers overdoses
on all the sweetness. Or, just concentrate on their
cavities. Career:
Start new projects, plan new directions
and meet scads of new people. Now is the time to show
the world what you can do. ■
Astrologer Charlene Lichtenstein is the au,
thor of Herscopes: A Guide to Astrology for
Lesbians. Get moreat thestarryeye.com
orgo to
her blogat thestarryeye.typepad.com.
How are you feeling today?
Draw the face that fits your mood and record the number of hours you slept.
,
"'I
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Hrs. Slept:
Hrs. Slept:
Hrs. Slept:
Hrs. Slept:
Hrs. Slept:
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~
\...
Cranky
Sad
Stressed
Calm
Alert
Happy
Does sleep have an impact on how you feel during the day? Take our 7-day sleep
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ADVICE Lipstick & Dipstick
First Person Singular
Dear Lipstickand Dipstick:I'm headedback
to schoolsoon(I'm an adultstudent)and I'm
worriedmy relationship
isn't goingto makeit
throughthetransition.
I'vebeeninthisrelationshipfor abouta yearanda half,but I'm really
startingto feel indifferent
towardmygirlfriend.
Wehavelittlefightsaboutnothingall the time.
WhenI ask her what her deal is, or if we can
talk,shesays"I'm overit." I am startingto be
overher.I'm notas happyas I wasinthebeginningand with my new schoolprogram,we're
also movingto a new city.She'sexpectinga
jobtransferandmoremoney,butdoesn'tseem
to be movingfastenoughto makethesethings
happen.Meanwhile,I'm tryingto rent out our
house,findhousing
in thenextcityandprepare
to be a studentagain.I feel alonein my relationshipandhaveexpressed
this.Shefeelsthat
I'm tooanxiousandthat I worryunnecessarily.
I feelI maybebetteroffsingle.I doloveher,but
I don'tlovehermorethanI lovemyself.I thinkI
wantout.- Studying
UponSinglehood
Lipstick:
Then get out! You're bound to meet
a curie in your chemistry lab. Like the classes
you're about to take, you must also see life
as a learning experience. It doesn't sound like
she's "the one;' and it doesn't sound like she's
excited to relocate. What does that mean? It's
time for you to move on alone. Taking your
couch with you, along with lessons learned.
These are growing pains, so try to see this as
an opportunity to sprout new leaves. After
all, we're on this planet to not only learn in
the classroom, but also discover untapped
potential within ourselves and, of course, become fashion icons.
Dipstick:Lipstick is mostly right. This is the
perfect time to get out. If you can't stomach
"Once we stop having sex, lesbians
still live together for years, like sisters or
roommates. Then, when you finally do
meet another woman you're hot for, your
ex is just as excited for you as yo r be t
friend would be. She helps you
buy a new outfit for your first
date and sends you off
with safe sex supplies."
20
Icurve
a full-on breakup, then separate and reevaluate after the first semester. Besides, bringing
a girlfriend to college is like bringing a sandwich to a smorgasbord-or
another butch
to the sorority house. You're just going to
mess up your opportunity to meet new and
interesting people. Be bold and go your own
way. If you discover, that you're really meant
to be with your current GF, then rekindle on
Christmas break.
Dear Lipstickand Dipstick:Why do lesbians
feel the needto be friendswith their exes?
- Cautious
Current
Lipstick:Honey, is that you? How many
times have I told you that the ex and I aren't
sleeping together?
Dipstick:Really good question. Partially, I
think it's because lesbians don't know how
to break up. Once we stop having sex, we
still live together for years, like sisters or
roommates. Then, when you finally do meet
another woman you're hot for, your ex is just
as excited for you as your best friend would
be. She helps you buy a new outfit for your
first date and sends you off with safe sex supplies. When she finds someone new, the four
of you go off on an RV vacation together.
Makes perfect sense. What I want to know
is, why don't straight people do this?
Lipstick:Because heteros have rigid boundaries and cannot ride that very thin line between friend and lover the way the lezzies do.
We could all learn a thing or two from each
other. Breeders: It's OK to still be in touch
and care about an ex-boyfriend or an ex-husband, as long as it's aboveboard and there is
no funny business. Dykes: Boundaries, girls.
And no funny business!
WHYDOLESBIANS
FEELTHENEED
TOBEFRIENDS
WITHTHEIREXES?
Lesbiansare programmed
thisway,
for betteror worse
33%
Separation
anxietyis too intense
31%
They'restillsleepingtogether,
or at leastspooning.
16%
It's simple:PlanB
4%
Sharedcustodyof the dogor cat
6%
DearLipstickandDipstick:
I workin the medical fieldas an ultrasonographer.
I scana lot of
pregnant
bellies.
ButI alsodoa lotofvaginal
ultrasounds.
Afterdoingthisfor almostsix years,I
havegottenquitegrossed
outbyall thesmelly
anddisgusting
vaginasI havecomeacross.It
hasseriously
playeda hugepartin mysexlife
withmypartneroffouryears.I'mjustnotinterestedin goingdownon her,or hergoingdown
on me.I usedto lovethewayshesmelled.
And
now,I justdon'tevenwantto touchherunless
sheshowers
first.I toldherhowI felt aboutthe
wholesituation
andnowshesaysI'vegivenher
a complex.
I don'tknowhowto getbackto lovinghertasteandsmellthewayI usedto. I feel
like I've beenruinedby my occupation.
I love
beinga lesbian!Buthowdo I separatemyjob
frommysexlife?- Offended
Olfactory
Dipstick:In social work, we used to call this
vicarious trauma. After working with sex
abuse victims all day, it was hard to go home
and make love to your partner. There were
little tricks we did to help ourselves cope. For
example, I would imagine myself zipping on
a full body suit when I set off for work and
zipping out of it each evening when I came
home, leaving behind the bad juju. Riding
my bike to and from work also helped clear
my head and leave behind the stress of the
day. You might consider stopping at a gym
on your way home from work or going for
a quick jog. But do find someone to talk
to about this. If your job has an employee
assistance program, make an appointment
right away. It's just not acceptable for work to
Thismonth,Lipstick& Dipstickposedoneof
theirquestions
to the readersviatheirblog
(lipstickdipstick.blogspot.com).
Thisis what
youhadto sayto Cautious
Current.
ruin your sex life. If all else fails, see if you can
get a transfer to the prostate department.
Lipstick:One of my best friends is an OB/
GYN-I'll
call her Captain Clit-and
I
asked her about this. At work, Captain
Clit said (her headlamp on), you must only
allow yourself to think clinically and see your
patients as such. That means no fantasizing while on the clock ( no matter how hot
she is). Not about a co-worker or your best
friend or the woman you brushed shoulders
with on the train. Oh yeah, and wear a mask.
In the bedroom (or on the kitchen counter),
Lipstick encourages you to try to appreciate
how beautiful and appetizing your partner's
winklebeener* is, and that it's not one of
those "smelly ones:' This may be hard at first
because your sniffer is tainted (literally), so
make your partner's winkle into dessert. How
does a slice of"Hot Apple Pie" sound? Pick
up Cal Exotics flavored pussy enhancer and
don't forget to bring the whipped cream!
[* Lipstick's word for your cha-cha.] ■
Is your girlfreind a slob? Want to get back into
the dating scene? Watch
new episodes of The
Lipstick & Dipstick Show
at curvemag.com.
rs,
Is, pride
, taBT film fests,
ear-adventures & more!
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ADVICE Relationships
Not the Same Old Sex Advice
Seven tips on how to find meaning between the sheets. By Heather Robinson
going to be able to be present for you. How
do you suggest we deal with this?" It might
sound silly at first, but it will get you laid a lot
more than nagging.
Hikingcanbehotterthanporn."A lot of women tell me that being in nature is extremely
sensuous, even sexual for them;' says Ogden.
"Whether it's walking in the woods ... or getting into the sky and the sunset, it can open
up incredibly sensuous, even erotic kind of
vistas in them:' If nature isn't your thing,
there are lots of other ways to get your sexual
energy flowing, from holding hands to having
a great conversation. "Genital sex is just one
way to move energy;' says Ogden.
Renowned sex therapist, researcher and author Gina Ogden's recent book, The Return
of Desire: A Guide to Reclaiming
Your Sexual Passion, explores
the connections between sex
and spirituality. She offers the
following lighter fluid to keep
your home fires burning bright.
Becomeyour own sex guru."We've learned
as kids to tamp down our natural high spirits and desire for sex with other women;'
says Ogden. One of the first things she asks
women who are struggling with desire issues
to consider is the often-damaging messages
that shaped their sexual development. Ogden
recommends consciously taking into account
what you learned about sex. This can often
lead to revelations about where you are now.
It is the first step to "acknowledging and really
letting loose with sexual desire:'
you have to acknowledge those things about
yourself;' she says. "Those who we love or hate
are really mirrors of ourselves:'
A timemachine
canbethebestsextoy.Ogden
discovered in her survey of almost 4,000
people from the age of 18 to 86 that sexual
satisfaction rose with every decade. She was
shocked to discover that women in their 50s,
60s and 70s were having more fun than those
in their 20s and 30s. "Older women were saying, 'It's not about how many times we stick
our fingers into each other or bring each other
to orgasm, it's more about the quality of our
relationship, our heart-to-heart connection:"
Recognize
thatsexis a lotmorethanwhathappensbetween
yourlegs."If you look at the latest brain research, sexual activity lights up the
whole brain-whether
it is the parts of our
brains that have to do with physical gratification, or the emotional centers of the brain
or the parts that are associated with spiritual
and religious ecstasy;' says Ogden, who has
created a four-part wheel to illustrate the
multifaceted nature of desire. "There are four
energies involved here, physical, emotional,
mental and then finally spiritual energy,
which is about making meaning;' she said. So
if you're not satisfied with your sex life, try
considering it from each kind of desire. The
results are often surprising and illuminating.
Areyoumakingloveor keepingtrack?It is no
secret that our culture's obsessed with freDon'ttake the dirtydishesintothe bedroom. quency, duration, number of partners and
The stresses and frustrations that accompany other measurable aspects of sex. In Ogden's
the daily grind can leave even a sex goddess opinion, that's not helpful to anyone. "What
feeling cranky. Ogden says navigating domes- is this thing about frequency? Frequency of
tic situations with love and fearless honesty is what? Is it frequency of loving each other?
the key to ensuring that the kitchen isn't the Frequency of touching each other, frequency
The mostimportantkind of self-lovedoesn't only place that's hot. She offers this sample of genital orgasm, frequency of what?" All this
needbatteries.Growing up female and lesbi- script for dealing positively with your partner:
counting, comparing and contrasting leaves
an in a misogynistic and homophobic society "Honey, I notice there are dirty dishes here. I us feeling inadequate. Ogden recommends
can put a whammy on your self-esteem. "To really love you and ifl do these dishes tonight
creating a love life that works for you and not
acknowledge that another women is beautiI'm going to feel resentful and we are not go- comparing what you do to what works for
ful, desirable, sexy and wonderful, I believe ing to be able to make love, because I'm not any other couples. ■
22
J
curve
How to Kiss a Girl
Quick kisses, bar kisses, sugar
kisses, wet kisses, French kisses,
long kisses, bathroom kisses,
bedroom kisses, morning kisses,
goodbye kisses, butterfly kisses,
fruity kisses, lip-sucking kisses,
neck-nibbling kisses, virtual kisses-with all the kinds of kisses
there are in the world, it can be
hard to keep them straight (not
that you'd want to, of course).
Most of us remember our first
kiss- mine came moments before
losing my virginity to a butch artist who pulled me close under the
covers. I remember being terrified that I would do something
wrong and she would never kiss me again.
That was many years ago, and I've learned a great deal
about kissing since that fateful spring night. Most importantly,
I've learned that all the tips that fill the pages of teen and
women's magazines make kissing out to be something way
more complicated than it actually is.
The key to kissing, and leaving your girl wanting more, is
confidence. Know what you want and don't be ashamed of it.
If you are confident in yourself and your intentions when your
lips lock, she's going to know it. I also recommend using your
lips for more than kissing. Talking about what turns you on,
and what makes you want to never kiss again, are good things
to share, even if it feels awkward at first. Ultimately, kissing is
supposed to be fun, and it should feel good.
Remember, no two girls are alike and there are no rules
about turn-ons. Part of the fun and the key to keeping them
wanting more is learning the little things that drive a specific
girl completely wild. For some it's a carefully placed hand on
the back of the neck, and for others it's letting your tongue slip
over their ears.
The only piece of advice that holds true pretty much no matter who you kiss should go without saying: Make your mouth a
place the girl wants to be. As a nonsmoker I can testify to the
fact that there are few things less sexy than a girl who leans in
after finishing a cigarette.
The key to keeping a girl coming back again and again is
not ever to let kissing get boring or routine. Kissing should be
different every time, even if you and your girl have been at it for
years. There is always something new to discover.
Unfortunately, kissing is not like learning how to drive a car.
You can't keep muttering "10 and 2" and be successful (although I've kissed more than my fair share of girls who clearly
haven't learned this). It might make things easier, but at the
end of the day good kissing can't be taught. It's something you
have to dive into. Greet her at the door tonight, and you might
find yourself with more than dinner plans. For those of you on
the prowl, find a cute girl and try something new. After all, practice makes perfect. [Sassafras
Lowry]
NOTSOSWEET
SUGAR
MAMA
Beware of getting burned by women who supposedly have it all. If they seem to be full of
hot air, with flashy smiles and charming ways,
they usually are. I fell into the clutches of one
such lady just a few months ago-she had
the Mercedes, the Botox, the fake tits, the $1
million pad and a curious interest in my career.
She wined and dined me and promised to finance my next record and an expensive music
video, fund a national Pride tour, even buy me
a face-lift. I ate at expensive restaurants and
sipped outrageously overpriced martinis on
her dime, er, plastic, but was perplexed when
she bought a life insurance policy on me. She
promised to buy a plane on which she would
paint our names (strictly business), all the
while furiously flirting with a plastic surgeon
who sent her pictures on her hi-tech phone.
It all started going downhill after she
hooked up with my friend the chiropractor,
who did more than crack her in the Jacuzzi
at her house after a business meeting. Her
check bounced a week after she hired me to
play a private party where her lawyer warned
me about her. Red flag. She spontaneously
bought a condo in mountainous Mammoth,
Calif., where she escaped out of cell service
to have endless sex with my friend and ignore
the palimony battle that had recently been
launched by her live-in ex of over 10 years.
The plot thickened. My calls went unanswered
for the next few months and I haven't heard
from her since. I cancelled the life insurance,
funded my own record and am now funding
my own tour. My friend is still boinking her. I'm
glad to be back on the ground. She promised
me a plane, but all I got was a hot air balloon
ride. [JenniferCorday]
April 2009
I 23
ADVICE Money
30o/o
Same-sex couples with children
in California who have a median
household income of $35,000,
according to a study released
by UCLA's Williams Institute.
$434,000
The amount lesbians lose, on
average, over the course of their
lifetime due to the career wage
gap between men and
women, according to the
Center for American
Progress Action Fund.
ADVICEHealth
FindYourselfFast
Yes, it's still all about the economy, as unemployment hit over 7 percent recently and analysts
predict another 3 million Americans will lose their
jobs in 2009. Enter the grandmother of career
advice books, What Color Is Your Parachute
(Ten Speed Press), which offers a 2009 edition
focused on job hunting in hard times. First published 39 years ago, Parachute has not only been
a practical manual for job hunters and
career changers, but also the best kind of selfhelp tome, meant to help you find a career that
offers meaning and purpose. No wonder that in
1995, the Library of Congress selected it as one
of 25 Books That Have Shaped Readers' Lives,
and more than 10 million people have bought it
in the last three decades. The Workbook section
helps you clarify your mission in life, while the
other sections offer up real, substantive direction
on getting the job you want. The latest edition is equally relevant to lesbians
today as it was when I read it in 1986. And it's perfect for lesbians who are job
seeking with or without a safety net, offering up advice on what to do if the job
hunt takes longer than expected (most will take over 27 weeks, author Richard
Nelson Bolles says), how to get health insurance when you're on your own,
what industries are seeing growth and how you can figure out what you really
want to do with your life-no matter what age you are. [DianeAnderson-Minshall]
Five Ways to Shape Up Your Brain
After interviewing numerous experts, Sondra Kornblatt, author of A BetterBrain at Any Age,
discovered how to combat the challenges of modern life's brain~overload. We got the skinny
on how lesbians can keep their noggins in tip~top shape. [Fernanda
Silva]
MakeYourBrainStronger:
Challenge
yourself to try new things. Do
crossword puzzles or sudoku.
Learn a new language, then take a
trip to a faraway country and give
yourself a chance to indulge in a
completely different culture. Use
your other hand. Take a different
route home. Lose yourself in a
new experience.
!
24lcurve
BoostYourEnergy:
Yank your ears,
scratch your scalp, be aware of
your posture and realign your
body. Let your breath flow.
ReduceStress:Turn off electronics
and give your brain a break-let it be
quiet and let your thoughts run wild.
Exercise by having an active hobby like
gardening. Get some nookie.
FeelAlive:Go outside
after you wake up, let
yourself be around
nature, practice
affirmations, change
negative thoughts to
positive ones, and
clear your life of
clutter.
EatWell:Feed your
body what you
would want to feed
your brain-nutri~
ents, antioxidants,
healthy fats and wa~
ter are goodies that
your brain loves.
ITRIED
IT
Her Dance of lndeQendence
One lesbian connects to the long heritage of an ancient martial art. By Janet Arelis Quezada
~
~
~
~
rl:i
~
~
~
5
i
ffi
In the middle of a circle of capoeira students, I
face a tall woman with a wide smile and begin
to dance. My armada de costa is a kick from
the side to the right that she ducks in an esquiva, bending down to the floor with her elbow
up to block the move. Seated musicians play
the berimbau (a taut wire attached to a curved
piece of wood held by a gourd) and a wooden
drum as the students sing and clap, following
the lead of the mestre (master teacher) who
reminds us that we are to engage in free play
and that there is to be no contact-which
is
not always the case. But that's to be expected
from a class of beginners.
This is only my sixth class. I concentrate
on executing some of the moves that we
learned during the first sessions. My muscles
are offering resistance as they adapt to the
positions of this Afro-Brazilian dance and
martial art form. At the beginning of class
we stand in a line, repeating words of respect
for our teacher. After we are done with the
roda (a time to improvise and play together,
challenging each other with our knowledge
of the steps in this dance), we will line up
and repeat these words again.
I had taken some dance classes over the
years, but had never done martial arts. I was
always too intimidated by the idea of sparring with strangers. I also never thought that
I was athletic enough to move my weight
around the way that capoeiristas do, wheeling in the air, kicking their legs, balancing
on their heads-all
to a rhythm and often
with a speed and precision that is inspiring
to watch. I have to relax. I also have to watch
the person playing with me in the roda. It is
important to connect with the other person
enough to be able to anticipate where a kick
might come from in order to react and then
kick back.
Watching others play from the circle, I enjoy the experienced capoeiristas who move
into each other's spaces. They trade air back
and forth as they react to each other's moves
in an unbroken chain, hardly straying from
the tight circle they form at its center.
There is beauty in this circle. We move
together, pushing ourselves to fight, safe in
the knowledge that we will not intentionally hurt one another. We test our strength
and determination within the safety of the
game's rules.
We move to ancient music that signals
the beginning and end of each match; its
sounds harken back to the centuries-long
development of capoeira in Brazil, when
slaves practiced capoeira, waiting for an opportunity to rise up against exploitation and
captivity. The dance was practiced by cimar-
The music also calls out to the progressive,
modern-day struggles of Afro-Brazilians who
are working to fight poverty and the damages
done by multinational companies that have
destroyed the environment and disempowered low-income workers.
The circle in capoeira follows certain protocols: Capoeiristas enter, acknowledge the
instruments and the singers, obey the call to
end their match and walk respectfully outside
the circle to await their next turn. The watchers comment on the ongoing matches in the
rones (escaped slaves) in Palmares-a 17thcentury colony established in what is now an
autonomous state within Alagoas, Brazilwho fought and won the right to keep their
independence.
Capoeira historians write that it all started
with the charade of a dance. To others looking on, it seemed that the enslaved peoples of
Yoruba, Kongo and other tribal origins were
simply dancing to the drums. And they were,
but those dances included kicks, strikes and
other moves that could help them express
their rage and, in the future, defend their liberty if they were to rebel.
middle when a quick or expert exchange
occurs or when a foot or elbow comes too
close to hurting someone.
The songs bring the rivers of Bahia to mind
as I stand in the Culver City, Calif., studio, a
busy boulevard buzzing outside. I feel the
presence of celebrated leaders of Palmares,
former mestres who each developed different
styles of capoeira, saints who have protected
practitioners for hundreds of years-all are
present to observe us as we circle in the roda.
It is important to acknowledge their presence
as I, an outsider, seek to absorb the beauty
and wisdom they have passed on. ■
April 2009
I25
I
POLITICS
Waitin to Wed
What happens when the political gets personal. By Victoria A. Brownworth
marry legally in Pennsylvania, but that they
could "marry later in Europe" or "drive up to
Connecticut:'
I've been watching Bianca for a long time,
now-since the summer of 2000 when the
then-high school student shattered her mother's dreams by coming out. Over the past
eight years I have developed a deep fondness
for Bianca. I want her to be happy. Bianca is
sweet and tender and has never wavered in
her lesbianism-unlike so many lesbians on
TV who have turned to men, as if their lesbianism were just a phase.
Bianca and Reese belong together. They
deserve happiness at least as much as the
other characters on the show, who jump into
matrimony with nary a thought. Bianca's own
mother has been married 11 times.
As is true of so many lesbians, Reese's
parents disowned her when she came out to
them. She was crushed, but she didn't look
back, bravely telling Bianca, "You are my family now:'
Bianca, Reese and their daughters are,
of course, fictional. It's not the same for the
Soap operas are a guilty pleasure of mine.
Many people take an elitist view of them,
but the soaps o&en address social issues long
before prime-time TV does. Because soaps
breed an affinity between character and viewer, due in part to the intimacy of the format
and also to its regularity (daily as opposed
to weekly), viewers are drawn into these social issues in much the same way they would
be if the character were a friend or a family
member.
Last December, when the LGBT community was mourning and organizing around
the Proposition 8 vote in California, Bianca
Montgomery and Reese Williams, the lesbian couple on ABC's All My Children,got
engaged.
The characters had previously lived together in Paris, but had come back to Pine Valley,
Penn., to see Bianca's family because she was
about to deliver the couple's baby, Gabrielle.
When Reese proposed to the mother of
26lcurve
"I haven't reallychanged my mind about
marriage in the socio-politicalabstract...but I
do think that Bianca and Reese should be able
to get married. And I do think I too should have
the option, if I want to go down that aisle again,
this time with a woman."
her child, it was at least as romantic as every
straight proposal I've ever seen on TV. Reese
got down on one knee. She took Bianca's
hand and touched her cheek. She said in tensely sweet things about never having loved
anyone like this before. She kissed her. She
gave her a beautiful, one-of-a-kind ring she'd
bought in a little shop in Paris. It was beautiful and dreamy and tear-jerkingly romantic.
Reality set in a few scenes later when
Bianca noted that they wouldn't be able to
18,000 legally married Biancas and Reeses
(or Brians and Ryans) who face having their
marriages annulled as the fight against Prop.
8 continues. Nor is it the same for all the
thousands more Biancas and Reeses who had
planned to get married in California before
the vote that changed everything.
I got married to a man when I was just out
of high school. It seemed like the right thing
at the time, because I'd been told repeatedly
that there was no future in being a lesbian. I
thought it was a really good idea right up until
the point when I looked out over the church
and saw all my friends-who
were mostly
queer-and
walked back down the aisle as
part of something called "man and wife:'
I wasn't one of those girls who grew up
dreaming of my wedding day. I'm sure I
thought about it. Most girls of my generation
did. But I didn't play-act it as a child and I
didn't think about it much before I actually
did it. I wasn't as excited as I should have
been, wasn't as thrilled by the white dress
and the lace and the flowers in my long blond
hair.
I had a fight with my mother at the bridal
shower. She thought she was being very hip
and cool to get me address labels that read"Ms.
Victoria B. Last-Name-of-My-Husband:'
It
was 197 4 and "Ms:' was a brand-new moniker then, used only by feminists.
But I blurted out, "It's the wrong name.
I'm not changing my last name:'
My husband-to-be came from a big family
of Polish immigrants. All the women from his
side of the family gasped in unison. Not taking his name! My mother was angry, as were
my soon-to-be mother-in-law, her mother,
her sisters, her daughters-in-law, her cousins.
It was a scandal.
The real scandal, of course, was that I was
getting married to a man at all, not that I
was holding on to my personal identityalthough it was a nifty little metaphor for the
whole misguided debacle.
I've written a lot about marriage over the
years. I used to be vehemently opposed to
the whole concept on feminist grounds and
found the LGBT embrace of marriage to
be counterintuitive, since marriage is a patriarchal institution that oppresses women
worldwide.
I haven't really changed my mind about
marriage in the socio-political abstract or with
regard to how women are oppressed by men.
But I do think that Bianca and Reese should
be able to get married. And I do think I too
should have the option, if I want to go down
that aisle again, this time with a woman.
I've been seriously ill in recent years, in and
out of hospitals a lot. If my partner were a
man, I would never have to explain who he is.
But my partner of a decade is a woman, so I
do have to explain who she is-and then wait
for the reaction, the dismissal or the message that "no one" can come into the ER or
examination room or wherever with me,
when I know that any stranger I just grabbed
off the street, and said was my husband could
be in that intimate space with me.
That's heterosexual privilege.
Most people who parse same-sex marriage
don't get that it's not about approval, and it's
not about special rights, and it's not about
what is or is not in the Bible, the Talmud
or the Book of Mormon. It's about the civil
right-and I use the term in both the legal
sense and the sense of courtesy-not to have
to answer the prying questions of others,
ever.
Same-sex marriage is about having choices.
I got married right out of high school because
I thought I didn't have another choice. Today,
I might choose marriage because I want more
choices, including the choice to never again •
have to explain who that woman over there·
is. She's my wife.
Marriage is viewed as a public proclamation, and in many ways it is. But it is also the
lock on the door and the do-not-disturb sign.
It's a protection, a magic wand, a talisman that
says, "These two are sacrosanct. They deserve
your respect. Don't screw with them."
I hope Reese's father doesn't break the
couple up. I hope Prop. 8 is overturned. And
I hope that if I decide to get married again, I
won't have to drive all the way to Connecticut
to do it. ■
Lesbians Who Rock the Vote
Inthe2008elections
theGay
andLesbian
VictoryFund-a
political
nonprofit-supported
111candidates,
80 ofwhom
wereelected.
Thesearejusta
sampling
ofthequeerwomen
makingchangein politics
today:
Representatives
andisone-half
ofthefirstgay
coupleto bemarriedinthestate.
LupeValdez
wasreelected
as
thefirstfemale
KateBrownisthe
sheriffof Dallas.
second-highest
Notonlydidshe
ranking
electedofbreakthegender
ficialin Oregon
and
barrier,
she's
thehighest-ranking
bisexual
politician
in alsothefirstLatinaandthefirst
lesbian
to holdthepost.
thecountry.
Trulya
trailblazer.
RebeccaKaplanof California
is
a recently
converted
Democrat
BethByeisamongsixopenly
gaymembers
oftheConnecticut (fromtheGreenParty)andthe
firstlesbian
to serveonthe
General
Assembly.
Shewas
Oakland
CityCouncil.
reelected
to theHouseof
JeanetteMott-Oxford
wasreelectedto theMissouri
Houseof
Representatives.
Shealsohas
a masters
in
divinity
from
EdenTheological
Seminary.
Kyrsten
Sinemaopposed
Proposition
102,Arizona's
antigaymarriage
ballotmeasure.
Unfortunately,
it passed
in
November
2008,butArizona
reelected
Sinema,
whois
openlybisexual,
to theHouseof
Representatives.
JackieBiskupsi
dealtwith
opposition
whensheranasthe
firstopenlylesbianmember
oftheUtahState
Legislature.
But
thatdidn'tstopher frombeingreelectedto theHouseof
Representatives
fivetimes.She's
currently
serving
asa representativeof Utah'sDistrict
30.
KathyWebbis
thefirstlesbian
to beelectedto
a stateofficein
Arkansas.
She's
alsoa restaurantownerand
ranunopposed,
currently
serving
as Majority
WhipandViceChairoftheJoint
Budget
Committee.
April 2009 j 2?
DYKE
DRAMA
A CasualEncounter
Our plucky guru lays down the rules for one night stands. By Michele Fisher
"Does it always have to be about sext That is
what a reader recently asked me.
Yes, yes it does. Sex is the fun part about
being a lesbian. When I was a baby dyke, I
didn't dream of nesting, I dreamt of fucking.
Relationships are complicated; sex is simple.
You might wait your whole life to find the
one you love, but thanks to the Internet, gay
papers and vodka you can find someone to
sleep with whenever you want.
28
Icurve
If you are with someone then I hope you
two are getting all you can, and if you are
single, go out and get some.
To reduce your dyke drama, just keep a
few things in mind. Although the rules for
anonymous or almost anonymous sex are
fewer and simpler than those for dating,
there are still rules. Several years ago I had
to leave a woman's house at an ungodly hour
(and unsatisfied) because I wasn't thrilled
with her sexual selections for the evening. I
thought it was rude of her to wait until we
were naked to start throwing me around the
room like a rag doll. If I had picked her up
at an S&M club or a bondage seminar, then
I wouldn't have been offended by her aggres~
sive actions, but I had just met her at a dance
club. I think the assumption that two people
who meet over a cocktail while out dancing at
a regular dyke watering hole are going home
to have vanilla sex is a reasonable one. My
thrill was sleeping with a stranger, not being
manhandled by one. My date, however, did
not share my point of view. According to her,
a woman has to be down for anything when
she goes home with a stranger. She was of
fended that I was offended and let me know
that I was the first unsatisfied customer she
had encountered. When I suggested that the
other women were just hoping to escape with
their lives, she encouraged me to do the same.
(What really made me mad was that she
assumed I was a bottom.)
Along those same lines, ifl took a girl home
and found a penis where her vagina was sup~
posed to be, I would be more than bummed
out. I totally support trans lesbians, just give
me the heads up ahead of time, because when
I order a taco, I want a taco; getting a burrito
just won't make me happy. I don't care if the
burrito wants to be a taco-I still don't want
it. Once you have the surgery, then it is up to
you when or if you want to talk about your
past and its parts. In my mind, once you buy
it, you own it and if I can't tell, then you don't
need to tell me either, unless you want to.
And by the way, being into body fluids or
electricity are also things you don't want to
spring on a woman during a chance encoun~
ter. If you want to wear a furry costume or
eat out of a dog bowl during sex, better you
should take out an ad somewhere, so you can
find other gals who share your proclivities.
How about amputations, or medical
devices? Hey, if all you have to do is snap an
arm or a leg off and on, then who cares? But if
you are going to need me to hold something
heavy aloft for long periods of time or empty
a bag every hour, then you'd better let me
know before we privatize our party.
If you are committed to someone else,
should you tell a girl before you roll around
with her? Are you nuts? If you are even thinking of telling some woman you are trying to
lure into a tryst that you already have a partner, then part of you knows you should not
be doing it. Listen to that part of yourself.
What if she is married to a man? That isn't
the same thing, is it? If you know that the
woman you are about to get intimate with
is with anybody, you've got to go. Karma is
karma-it doesn't matter whether were talking
about innies or outies.
If you think dyke drama is bad, turn on
Lifetime. Hetero drama involves gunplay,
pickup trucks and creepy best friends named
Chuck who do all the dirty work. It's hard
to resist being the "first;' for a woman who is
"trapped" in a hetero situation, but chances
are, you ain't the first and she ain't trapped.
And goddess forbid you are actually the first,
because she might turn into a Klingon. In
her mind, once she has given you the greatest
gift a human can bestow on another, you will
have to pay for it the rest of your life.
And by the way, I have had one of those
one-night-stands-who-cried-after-sex-because-she-couldn't-stand-the-guilt-aboutall-the-terrible-things-she'd-done lovers and
it was the opposite of fun. That experience
put me off Catholic girls for years.
What about that hot girl who keeps asking you to go home with her, but she is really
drunk or high? I dunno-drunks
and druggies are always more trouble than they're
worth. They always want to urinate when
and where they are not supposed to, they are
too loud and their hygiene is often lacking.
But, if she is really hot ...
What if you are on your period? This one
caused a lot of debate in my circle of friends.
Some ladies thought it was disgusting to take
somebody home and then spring the redrum
on her. Others thought it was no big deal because, heck, we all bleed. I guess it depends
on what you plan on doing in the sack and
how you deal with Aunt Flo. Ultimately,
we decided that it was worth an honorable
mention.
Don't invite a girl to your place unless you
have your own place. If you have four roommates and your "place' is a futon in the living
room, which is, incidentally, also the only
way to access the bathroom, then you don't
really have your own place. If you have enough
critters at your house to start a petting zoo,
then you should probably mention that before
taking anyone to the Wild Kingdom that is
yours. People have allergies and fears, you
know. And, for the last time, litter boxes
don't belong in the bedroom.
So much for getting in. As for getting out,
the sooner the better. Remember, this isn't a
date. You don't need to ask her out again. It
isn't necessary to make up a story about why
you have to leave-just go. You don't have
to cook her breakfast or ask for her hand
in marriage. Oh heck, I got you this far, just
do your best. Once again, Dear Reader, it is
about lesbian sex. May it always be so. ■
Pacific Reproductive Services
Sperm Bank & Fertility Center
When we were founded in 1984, one of our
guiding missions as a lesbian-owned sperm
bank and fertility center was to ensure other
lesbians had access to a caring, professional
environment responsive to their special needs.
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April 2009
I29
Stephanie
Rowe
Positive decision making, honesty and
respect for all people are among the lessons that Stephanie Rowe has taught her
students during her 16 years as a health
education teacher in Eau Claire, Wis. Rowe
eventually decided "it was time to model living totally authentically" by stating, "I am gay" to her seventh-grade students.
Knowing her actions would impact the entire school, Rowe
forewarned her colleagues about the lesson and invited an
administrator to observe the class. "I create a very safe and
respectful classroom climate;' she explains, "and as I shared my
sexual orientation with the students, it seemed as if it was not
big news to them:' It became big news when a small group
of parents complained. "I had done nothing wrong and no
discipline could be taken;' reflects Rowe. She advises other
teachers in similar situations to involve the administration,
establish a support network, be open to the unexpected and
"live brave and authentically, in your timing:'
These K-12 teachers use their roles
as educators to inspire students
and peers, and they also provide
their communities with the tools for
tolerance needed to foster a safe and
inclusive school environment.
By Kyra Thomson
AnnBancroft
Few women have met and shattered barriers and limitations with as much passion as
educator and polar explorer Ann Bancroft.
Despite the challenges of being dyslexic,
Bancroft became a successful physical
education and special education teacher in Minneapolis; a
coach; and an instructor for an outdoor education organization called Wilderness Inquiry. Bancroft left her teaching post
in 1986 to become the first woman to reach the North Pole,
but she never stopped teaching. She frequently conveys her
message of perseverance and environmental activism, and the
excitement of her explorations, such as leading the American
Women's Expedition to the South Pole, to eager students. The
Internet has allowed 3 million students around the world to
follow Bancroft's Arctic expeditions with her co-explorer, Liv
Arnesen. With a goal of encouraging others, Bancroft began
the Ann Bancroft Foundation in 1996, to "inspire courage,
risk-taking, integrity and individuality in girls and women:'
Dr.Virginia
Uribe
Dr. Virginia Uribe, a Fairfax High School
teacher and counselor for 42 years, founded Project 10 in 1984 after witnessing the
unmet needs of LGBT students in the
public educational system. Aimed at lowering the high
dropout, suicide and substance abuse rates among sexual
minority youth, as well as in-school harassment, Project
10 was the nation's first on-site public school support
program specifically dedicated to these issues. Uribe
began the program on her own, without significant
support, but Project 10 has grown and become a model for
similar programs around the country. In a 1989 video, Uribe
declared, ''.As long as I have a breath in me, I will continue
to fight for the rights of gay and lesbian students;' and
indeed she has. Although she retired in 1998 and appointed
1
her partner, Gail Rol£ as the education director of Project
10, Uribe continues to work as the executive director and as
a fundraiser for Friends of Project 10, Inc.
GailRolf
Before becoming the education director of
Project 10 in 1998, Gail Rol£ who began
teaching health education in 1969, chaired
the Gay and Lesbian Issues Committee for
the United Teachers of Los Angeles, was a commissioner on
the Los Angeles Unified School District's (LAUSD) Gay and
Lesbian Education Commission, and has been on the Board
of Directors for Friends of Project 10 since 1989. In her role at
Project 10, Rolf has expanded the program to all LAUSD high
schools and several middle schools. In addition, she continues
to provide outreach to staff and students, and consults with
district offices to implement policies and curriculum changes.
Bonnie
Augusta
Bonnie Augusta, a special education teacher and administrator in the Madison Metropolitan School District since 1976,
is currently the district's GLBTQ resource teacher. Hers
is the first such position to be created in
Wisconsin. Augusta has always advocated
LGBT issues, such as including domestic
partner coverage in the district's employee
health insurance program and teacher training
on sexual orientation issues. By exceeding
expectations in her role as resource teacher, she proves that
the position is imperative to all districts.
DawnMurray
Despite having been a biology teacher in
San Diego's Oceanside Unified School
District since 1983 and winning numerous teaching awards, Dawn Murray was
denied a promotion in 1993 because
the hiring committee had heard she was a lesbian. She also
became the target of severe harassment, endured false
rumors and obscene graffiti and was blatantly shunned by
other staff members. Her complaints to school officials were
first ignored, then met with threats of disciplinary action. The
discrimination lawsuit she filed in 1996 was finally resolved
in 2002 when the district was ordered to compensate Murray
and to provide annual sexual-orientation sensitivity training
to its employees. Murray's case was unique because her troubles were staff generated and because she had the courage to
continue teaching throughout the lengthy legal proceedings.
Johanna
Eager
Johanna Eager taught high school-level language arts for 10 years, holds a Master of
Science degree in diversity education and
has been extensively involved with equality issues in K-12 education since 1993.
She has worked as an administrator for the Intercultural
Development Inventory, as a facilitator for the SEED
(Seeking Educational Equity and Diversity) program and as
a consultant to many school districts. Eager is currently the
coordinator of the Office of Equality and Integration for the
Roseville Area Schools in Minnesota.
LauraMatanah
When Laura Matanah and her wife, Sarah,
witnessed how excited their daughter became after spotting a tiny photo of two
mommies in a magazine, they realized that children of LGBT
parents need to see images that represent their families.
Utilizing her 12 years of teaching experience Matanah created
RainbowRumpus.org, a monthly online magazine for kids of
LGBT parents and their friends, and an informative tool for
teachers. As a parent, she recommends informing the school
about what your children call you, so everyone can use the same
language. As an educator, Matanah stresses the importance of
introducing the terms heterosexual, lesbian, gay, bisexual and
transgender co children as simply some of the many words that
might describe the members of our diverse community.
KimWestheimer
After years of working closely with
teachers, administrators
and students
as an employee of the Massachusetts
Department
of Education
to create
tolerant and inclusive public schools,
Kim Westheimer, together with Jeff Perrotti, developed the
Safe Schools Program and co-authored the handbook When
the Drama Club Is Not Enough: Lessons from the Safe Schools
Program for Gay and Lesbian Students. She is now an educational consultant for the Human Rights Campaign's Family
Project, the Welcoming Schools Initiative and she continues
to write and.conduct workshops related to LGBT youth.
JimmieBeall
Jimmie Beall had no idea that a public school teacher in Ohio
could be fired for being gay. At home, she lives an "authentic and transparent" life with her partner and children, but
she had never come out to her high school
students. However, despite receiving a stellar evaluation and a contract renewal offer, Beall was fired for showing her class
a PowerPoint presentation about, and
participating in, the Day of Silence, the
national youth-run effort to elimmate LGBT discrimination
and name-calling. Beall's federal lawsuit against the London
School District was settled out of court, awarding her compensation and, most importantly, policy changes to prohibit
sexual-orientation discriminarion. She is now a counselor for
the Columbus City Schools, and is completing a doctorate m
educational administration, and promoting this new legislation as an Equality Ohio advocate. "As teachers and parents;'
she says, "We do our best to live as examples to others-we
are willing to be the change we want to see in the world:' ■
April 2009
I 31
isse
But did we like itP
she admits. Mimicking the techniques of other famous artists-and tween girls worldwide-Katy Perry wrote the nowinfamous chorus to her summer smash, "I Kissed a Girl;' in
her bedside journal after she dreamed it up. A year and a half
later, and with the help of three other writers, Perry recorded
the song on her 2008 album, One of the Boys,and had no clue
that her little ditty would become such an international hitand raise such a stink.
But lyrics like "I kissed a girl and I liked it; the taste of her
cherry Chapstick; I kissed a girl just to try it; I hope my boyfriend don't mind it;' have caused some lesbians and bisexual
women to cry foul over trivializing their experiences, while
some conservatives have demonized Perry as a bad example to
young girls everywhere.
A Google search of Perry's song brings up a slew of bloggers and reporters out to rip her apart or sing her praises. For
example, the Washington Blade'sRebecca Armendariz took
her to task for her songs, pointing out that "Ur So Gay" is
"a song that delivers no enjoyment, only confusion as to how
anyone could be so shortsighted about its connotative meaning:' This publication even received criticism from readers last
summer when we gave Perry's hit song a thumbs up.
Perry, however, takes it in stride, and says there's nothing mean-spirited about her songs. She repeatedly says that
most people 'get the gist of the joke;' when it comes to "I
Kissed a Girl" and see that she's only having fun. "Well I hope
that they, you know, really understand the kind of tongue-incheek behind it;' she said. "That's what happens with songs, is
everybody has their kind of idea of what it was. And you know
when I wrote this song, it was never like a girls-gone-wild
anthem. It was definitely about my curiosity about the schoolgirl
crush I had. And so I'm sure that a lot of women will probably
relate to that schoolgirl crush, and hopefully they'll sing along.
I'm hoping so. But I think that that's maybe why it did kind of
have a worldwide (audience] is because it was almost like every
32lcurve
modern girl's unspoken spoken:'
Perry, born Katheryn Elizabeth Hudson, grew up in Santa
Barbara, Cali£, in a nondenominational Christian household
(both her parents are ministers). She grew up singing gospel
music but has been most influenced by the band Queen.
Always one with a big personality, Perry has come a long
way from her Christian beginnings to dominate the pop charts
worldwide. The 24-year-old singer reflected, "I was always the
kid at the dinner table who, if there was a line you shouldn't
cross, I took a big leap over it ... there's never really been, like,
an edit button on my keyboard of life:'
And she moved into her career in a big way, settling in Los
Angeles in 2003 at 18. There she figured out how to deal with
fame and the media by learning from her friends' experiences.
"The whole world is a big, fat kitchen with a gazillion cooks.
And everybody is always commenting, and stuff like that, so
you have to definitely be strong or learn how to sift in the good
and keep out the bad;' she said. "I mean, I definitely prepared
myself for this. And living in Hollywood for eight years; man,
that will prepare you whether you like it or not. Because I kind
of had the luxury of watching other people get famous ... and
then, you know, I'd sit back and take notes and say, OK, I'm
not going to do that if I ever have the opportunity:'
Her crossover from Christian music into pop (she began
performing under the name Katy Hudson, but changed it
so as not to be confused with Kate Hudson;-Perry
is her
mother's maiden name) didn't shock her parents so much,
and, yes, they are supportive. She attributes their support to
the fact that they are a different breed of Christian. "My dad
has four tattoos. I mean, they all happen to say 'Jesus' but he's
just-like, he's kind of like a modern, almost like a modern
rock 'n' roll pastor himself;' she says. "I definitely think that
we agree to disagree on some things, but I don't think that is
unusual with a kid and their parents' relationship. So they're
very, very supportive, and they are always telling me they're
praying for me, and I appreciate it:'
Dinah's headliner just
wants us to lighten up.
By Katie Peoples
Photography by Michael Elins
"When I wrote this song, it was never like a girls-gone-wild anthem.
It was definitely about my curiosity about the schoolgirl crush I had.
And so I'm sure that a lot of women will probably relate to that
school irl crush
ho ull the 'll sing along. I'm hoping so:'
She's been meeting success everywhere. She has the No. 1
song in 20 countries, and has been nominated for a Grammy
for Best Female Pop Vocal Performance, performed at the
MTV Video Music Awards and received accolades from
around the globe. But with all her success and acceptance in
the mainstream media, Perry has become a symbol of controversy in the LGBT community: After all, there is a difference
between what is just a joke and what is seriously offensive. Is
her song a sign that LGBT people have become so accepted in
America that they should lighten up about a lighthearted song
like"I Kissed a Girlt Or is Katy Perry just a shiny wrapper for
homophobic statements?
Perry defends herself and her music. 'J\nd I think specifically I realized that, you know, when I moved out of my home
and I started meeting lots of different types of people-all
kinds of different people, it doesn't matter ... what their sexual
orientation was-I started meeting them and I kind of started to be more open about these people I met, even though I
was raised to say these people aren't good, you can't be friends
with them. It doesn't matter if they were gay or straight;' she
says.'Tve always been a very open-minded person. I definitely
believe in equality:'
And she's been hailed as a gay men's icon, despite being
called antigay and antiman by some critics for her song "Ur
So GaY:' She's performed on stage with drag queens in San
Francisco, and Out magazine even put her (and three men) on
the cover of its People of the Year issue-making her one of
only four women to grace the cover of the LGBT magazine in
2008. An honor AfterEllen took issue with, however, stating
in an open letter to Out written by blogger Dorothy Snarker:
"Yes, I know she is joking. She really loves the gays even if
34
Icurve
she has never actually kissed a girl or anything truly gay like
that ... No, what I really have a problem with is that there were
plenty of actual gay women in the world, let alone on your Out
100 list ... who would have made better, more representative
cover girls:'
Snarker later commented on Perry as a headliner at Dinah
Shore. "While it has an inescapably catchy beat and you can
dance to it, 'I Kissed a Girl' is in no way representative of
the lesbian community;' she says. "In fact, it feeds into one of
our biggest dreads: that a girl we like and end up kissing will
really only view us as an 'experimental game; all the while hoping that her'boyfriend don't mind it:"
What is so irksome to some lesbians is that Perry's song,
intentionally or not, smacks of the kind of exploitative girl-ongirl kissing, followed by a quick retreat back to heteroville that
is Hollywood's go-to publicity stunt whenever it's time to up
the ratings or boost album sales or rake in box office profits.
So to glorify that kind of entertainment at a weekend meant
to celebrate girls who actually do more than just kiss girls is, at
best, carelessly absurd and, at worst, unimaginably insulting.
Of course, Perry's a bit of an enigma. "Yes,everybody, I have
kissed a girl;' she admits, though despite famously saying that
she'd like to kiss Scarlett Johansson, she's stopped speculating
on girl-girl puckers. "I really kind of stopped telling everybody
who I thought was hot because it becomes [the] next day's
news of like, holy shit, she wants to make out with Scarlett
Johansson, and I'm like, well, not really. I was just kind of
answering their question because she is hot and we all know ....
It takes a certain beautiful, I guess, mermaid:'
As Perry heads off on tour this spring, she's making a crosscountry detour to headline the Club Skirts Dinah Shore
Weekend, one of the biggest lesbian parties of the year, and
it's not just for sensationalism. Perry was one of the top-10
requested artists to play at the Dinah by Dinah fans and
has received praise from fellow Dinah performer and comic
Suzanne Westenhoefer. There she'll be working alongside
some of dykedom's favorite performers, like the Indigo Girls
and Exes and Ohs' Jill Bennett, not to mention other favorite
musical acts like Uh-Huh Her and God-des and She (whose
instructional lesbian anthem "Lick It" is the polar opposite of
"I Kissed a Girl").
"The Dinah Shore event is going to be an amazing event;'
Perry gushes, like the schoolgirl she sounds like in her songs.
'Tm going to be in Palm Springs. It's going to be beautiful.
They just came to me and asked me to play and I felt very
happy about that, playing for a group of beautiful women:'
The booking is further proof that Perry has plenty of
She Kissed a Girl continued on page 63
A i'tera year
andahalfofworkingonher
I
soon~to~be~released new al~
bum, Macy Gray has emerged from the studio ready to play.
First stop: Girl Bar Dinah Shore Week, as a headliner for
their event, "Jungle Fever:' Gray first burst onto the scene in
1999 with her hit single "I Try;' for which she won a Grammy
for Best Female Pop Vocal Performance and an MTV Video
Music Award for Best New Artist. She subsequently released
four albums that brought her modest success, but now she's
poised for a comeback, starting over with a new alter ego,
Nemesis Jaxson and a viral hit, "Slap a Bitch:' The video, which
has created substantial buzz on the Internet is positively
chock~a~block with slappy goodness and even some celebrity
face smackin' (Beware: Bjork is not to be toyed with).
~
So,howdidyouendupheadlining
at GirlBarDinahShore?
[My friend] Nick Chavez, the hairdresser, is really close with
the owner of the bar and he texted me and kind of talked me
into it ... I haven't played in a very long time. That's another rea~
son that I wanted to do it. I did a show in Russia [in] October.
So it's been a [while] for me, so I'm really excited to play. I'd
probably play for a bunch of elephants, if you asked me to.
Whathaveyoubeenupto lately?
Mainly, I've just been working on my album; I've been in this
cave working on [it] for the past year and a hal£
Whatcanyoutell usaboutyournewalbum?
It's like something you've never heard before. It's amazing. I say
that, all modesty aside. I took a long time to figure out what I
wanted to do and where I wanted to come from this time.
Whenwill it beavailable?
Probably this summer, like, late summer, early fall. There's a
song out in Australia called "Can't Hold Back'' that I did with
[Australian artist] Kaz James.
"Slapa Bitch,"was releasedunderthe nameof youralterego,
Nemesis
Jaxson.
Whatcanyoutell usabouther?
Nemesis Jaxson is just like a hot, sexy bitch, you know. Like
a Cleopatra Jones type, a music superhero. All my friends tell
me I have, like, five personalities, so I thought I'd give them
all a name. She's one of them. And I've always liked the name
"Nemesis;' I know it has a negative thing attached to it, but
if you just listen to the word, it's really pretty. And I just put
Jaxson on the back.
Anychancewe'regoingto getto seesomeofyourotherpersonalitiesin thefuture?
[Laughs]I don't know. I just might have to keep those to mysel£
Arethereanyplansfora tourto goalongwiththenewalbum?
Yeah, we're talking about going to Australia in March. I usu~
ally go overseas first and then I come here. So hopefully, by the
end of fall I'll be doing shows here in the States.
You'vealsobeingdoingsomecharityworktoo,right?
Yeal1,I do a lot actually. [Laughs]I always had a special spot in
my heart for kids. I have three kids of my own, and my mom
was a teacher, so I've always been around kids. So anything
having to do with [them], I am down for. I'm [also] really fo~
cused on this thing in Darfur, and I've been going to D.C. to
visit the wounded soldiers in the hospitals. I've really been try~
ing to reach out and do what I can for other people.
Andyouwerealsooneof 0bama'searliestsupporters?
Well, I saw him on television at the [2004 Democratic] con~
vention ... and he gave this amazing speech, and I remember
the things that he said were so inspiring and moving. And I
thought, "You know, that's the guy who should be president:'
[Hurricane] Katrina happened just a little bit after that, and I
Shades of Gray continued on page 63
April 2009
I35
{ToHaveandto Hold}
There Goes the Bride
Coming
outis hard.Coming
outafteryou'vemarrieda manis eventougher.
I REALIZED
I WASGAY
just a few months before I was to walk down the
aisle-with a man. For me, coming out was in two parts. Round one:
explaining that the wedding was off. Round two: explaining why.
The reason was simple. I met a girl. In the two nights I spent with
her, I felt more myself and more understood than I had in my entire
relationship with my fiance. The decision to not go through with
the marriage was the hardest choice I've ever made. I sold my dress
on eBay, fell in love with a woman and told my family I was gayall within a year. I also spent a chunk of my mid 20s throwing up
at home, at work and in various bathrooms and bars. Apparently,
accepting who I was made me sick.
My story is not so unique. Some estimates put the number of gays
and lesbians who have ever been married at around 2 million nation~
wide; some spouses come out after decades of marriage. In most cases,
says Amity Pierce Buxton, whose book, The Other Side of the Closet,
examines the phenomenon, spouses are usually shocked by the revela~
tion. (So was my fiance.) But, in about a third of these marriages, wives
or husbands sense that their partner is somehow struggling.
Experts say chat as homosexuality becomes more socially accepted,
an increasing number of spouses will be coming out. The subject
even made headlines in 2004 when Gov. James E. McGreevey of
New Jersey came out via press conference, his wife at his side, as well
as when WNBA superstar Sheryl Swoopes went public with her
love for her former coach, Alisa Scott, whom she met while she was
married to a man.
Still, information on the subject can be scarce, particularly when
it comes to women. "Married women are a very clandestine group,"
explains Carren Strock, author of the 1998 book Married Women
Who Love Women. The book, which is in its second edition, is based
on interviews Strock conducted with more than 100 women who
ByJamieWetherbe
came out in the context of a heterosexual marriage.
"Some were in therapy for many years without ever telling their
therapists they were gay;' Strock continues. "There is a lot at stake for a
married woman who comes out: possible loss 0£ or estrangement from
children; the loss of family life as she knows it; loss of security, financial
and health; disapproval of family and friends; fear of a new world:'
Strock knows these struggles firsthand. In 1988, after 25 years
of marriage to a man, Strock fell in love with a woman. Although
her affections were unrequited, Strock went on a quest to find out
i£ indeed, she was a lesbian. "There was no reading material and I
began to talk to other women to see how they were making their lives
work," she recalls.
Strock's research prompted her to write Married Women Who
Love Women. "Since the first edition came out, much has changed as
far as us hearing about gays and lesbians," says Strock. "While there
is more acceptance of same~gender relationships, today's women coming
out are still going through the same traumas as their sisters of earlier
years:'
Strock says that finding that same~gender passion for the first time
is often like going through adolescence and that regardless of their
background, "some women come out immediately with little thought
to the consequences. I caution women to take their time-once you
put those words out, they can never be taken back:'
Buxton, also the founder of the Straight Spouse Network, agrees.
"Wives seem to leave their marriages or relationships more quickly
after they come out than do husbands. I usually advise wives to
proceed slowly after they come out, so that their husbands can get
through the shock stage," she says. "Decisions about divorce and
custody made when one spouse feels liberated and the other is still
confused and angry are not likely to be the most rational or fair for
everyone affected:'
As far as the fate of her marriage, what a woman might expect
and what really happens can be quite different. "For some women
determined to divorce once they came out, dialogue with their spouses
became easier and they remained in redefined marriages; other women
who had hoped to remain in their marriages wound up leaving,"
Strock says. "Often the response of a husband or family is totally
unexpected. Spousal feelings can vacillate from supportive to furious
and back again. Women should think about the time it has taken
them to become comfortable with who and what they are and give
family members the chance to do the same:'
I never came out to my former~fiance. Instead he went through
my things while I was away and found out about the other woman.
It's been four years since we've spoken, and his last words to me were
mostly of anger. He was the first person to call me a lesbian. It took
me three years to do the same. And in that time, much of my life
unraveled. But with great loss, came greater abundance. For the first
time, in a long time, I feel complete. And I feel well. ■
~
()
~
~
i
~
~
11 NuptiaNo-Nos
Morethingsto avoidwhenplanningyourbig,fat lesbianwedding.
SO,THEFLOODGATES
HAVEOPENED,
the rush to marry in Connecticut
has begun and you're ready to pick out china. Or maybe you don't
feel the need to travel out of state to seal the deal, but you do want to
hire a florist and proclaim your love for your woman in front of the
people who mean the most to you.
As you plan your wedding/ commitment ceremony/ civil union/
commitzvah/whatever
you're calling it, here are 11 mistakes to
avoid:
► Skipping
the registryprocess.
As it happens with so many happy
events, people are going to want to give you presents. So head to
some stores you love and register for items across a broad price range.
Don't think registries are just for china patterns. Dyke-friendly stores
like REI and Home Depot have registries, too. You never knowsomeone may really want to buy you that circular saw you've had
your eye on. While you may need to relegate one of you to "groom''
status, some stores-such
as the ever popular Macy's-list"partner"
or offer "commitment ceremony" and "celebration" registry options
that are more flexible.
► Mimickingeverythingabouta heterosexual
ceremony.
You may
want to "prove" to your family that your relationship is exactly the
ByRobinMiner-Swartz
same as your brother's hetero marriage, but your relationship is dir
ferent. Celebrate that. Work with your officiant to craft the words to
help you say so in the ceremony.
► Excluding
children.Include them if only for this reason: For the
rest of their lives, they'll be able to tell the story about the first lesbian
wedding they ever attended. Plus, kids love to dance with the bride
at weddings-imagine
how much fun they'll have with two brides.
► Lettingfamilypressureinfluencethe guestlist. No matter how
shiny and happy your universe is, there may be some people who
just aren't all that thrilled about the notion of a same-sex ceremony.
Fine. Your wedding is not the time to convert them. The world will
not come to an end if you don't invite Aunt Marge.
► Hiringsomeone
to dothejobjustbecauseshe'sa lesbian.Yes, "we
are family;' and all that, but don't create stress for yourselves by hiring your best friend's new DJ girlfriend, who wants to throw you
"totally the most rockin' party ever!" then ignores your wishes. You
need to meet with your vendors ahead of time and clearly outline
what you're looking for from their services. Because no matter how
much the DJ likes the song, "Goldigger" probably isn't a great choice
during dinner.
► Assuming
the staff knowswhatyourceremonyis andthat they'll
be fine with it. Asking if everyone working your event knows what
"kind" it is should prevent a situation where a server walks in the
door only to discover he totally disagrees with what you're doing.
► Nothavinga maidof honor.At the very least, you have to have one
or two trusted friends or family members at your beck and call on
the big day. That way, when you're supposed to be getting dressed
and you notice the sound guy hasn't arrived and the table you asked
for under the canopy isn't there, someone else can make sure that job
gets done. And order that person a corsage or a boutonniere to make
them feel special.
► Buyingsomething
becauseit's in "wedding"
packaging.
Ask yourself: Do I really need to pay $60 for a white baseball cap with a veil
attached to it, or can I make my own with a $3 cap, a $4 piece of tulle
and a glue gun?
► Gettingreallydrunkat thereception.
After all your hard work (and
money spent), you're going to want to have great memories of this
day. Or even just memories, period. So ease up on the booze.
► Inviting
yourex(ora tablefulofexes).This could get dicey, especially
if you run in one of those circles that engage in square-dance dating
(everyone's taken a spin with everyone else). So give each other veto
power over former lovers. Then respect each other's decisions.
► Expecting
perfection.
You'll find this tip in any wedding guide, but
it bears repeating: Stuff will go wrong. And probably no one else will
notice. Once the ball starts rolling, all that really matters is, you're
there, your partner's there and you're ready to commit to each other
in front of a room full of people who love you. What could be more
perfect than that? ■
ByKyraThomson
"INEVER
SHOULD
HAVE
LETYOUGOTOENGLAND,"
sobbed my mother
when I returned to Canada after a year abroad and declared my love
for a British woman. It seems irrational to reproach an entire nation
when your daughter comes out of the closet, but it's hardly unreasonable to cast blame on a country when its immigration policy is denying
her the right to live with the person she loves.
When I decided to complete my third year of university overseas, I had no intention of becoming one-half of a binational couple.
However, when Sam knocked on my door to welcome me and introduce hersel£ butterflies erupted in my stomach and I knew right away
my determination to avoid a long-distance relationship was going to
be challenged.
Our love was deepening just as the world was coming to accept
same-sex relationships. Marriage became legal throughout Canada in
2005. And after we both had spent five years traveling back and forth
on a variety of visas, the Canadian government granted Sam permanent residency. She became a landed immigrant (what Canadians call
a permanent resident) on my birthday, and the fact that we will never
be separated again was the greatest possible gift, but it was a bittersweet victory considering that other binational same-sex couples still
lack the basic right to be together.
Although 19 countries now permit legal residents to sponsor their
same-sex partners for residency, the United States is not among them.
According to Immigration Equality, an estimated 35,820 same-sex
binational couples were counted in the 2000 U.S. census, but it is
assumed that these figures miscalculate the reality. Without hope
of gaining recognition under U.S. immigration law, many couples
have been forced either to seek refuge in a more receptive country, to
spend their savings traveling between countries or to remain in the
United States illegally.
"I thank the happy demons of visa fortune every day for not getting Yvette and me into sucha situation;' professes Ursula Schmidt*, a
German author now living in San Francisco with her American partner Yvette Torres.* After meeting online in 1999 through a newsgroup
for lesbians with disabilities, and then in person in 2001, Schmidt and
Torres decided to pursue living together. Rather than find a company
willing to sponsor Schmidt for an Hl work permit, she decided to
apply for the O 1 special ability visa for artists. Both visas expire after
three years, but if you can prove your talent is unique, it is easier to
obtain a green card through the 01 visa.
Since Schmidt had already published three lesbian mysteries in
Germany, her lawyer created the .unique category, lesbian mystery
writer, to improve Schmidt's chances, although an American publisher
still had to petition with her for the visa application. In the mean-
*Somenameswerechanged
uponrequest.
38lcurve
time, Schmidt could stay on a tourist visa for 12-week periods, risking
Partnership Act would have waived the two-year cohabitation
refusal of entry with each visit. In the spring of 2004, as they were
requirement.
about to submit their O 1 visa application, Schmidt unexpectedly won
'i\ccept that it isn't going to be an easy process, especially if one
a slot in the diversity green card lottery, which is a luck-of the-draw
of the couple is a U.S. citizen;' advises Hunter. "You have to really
system awarding 55,000 green cards to
be sure of what you are doing and
some 6 million applicants each year.
totally committed to each other, beSchmidt and Torres beat the odds in
ing patient with each other when the
One way of getting in:
their pursuit of immigration happiness,
hard times hit-and they do:'
Green card lottery. It's a
but for many binational couples, living toHunter also stresses that it is
luck-of-the-draw system,
gether in the States is simply not an option.
important not to give up and to
When Tammy Sullivan, a Texas resident,
explore multiple ways to immigrate.
awarding 55,000 green
first met her British partner, Sally Hunter,
Sullivan and Hunter proactively
cards to some 6 million
through an online support group in April
appealed for changes to immigration
2003, they were both unhappily married
policy, appeared in the documentary
applicants each year.
with children. The couple knew their
ThroughThickand Thin and had their
developing relationship was worth pursustory presented before Congress in
ing, so, after leaving their husbands and finally meeting in England,
support of the Uniting American Families Act. If passed, the UAFA
bill would change the word "spouse" to "permanent partner" in the
they decided to find a way to be together permanently.
Since Hunter's four children were all under 10 years old,
U.S. Immigration and Nationality Act, and allow U.S. citizens and
legal residents in same-sex relationships to sponsor their partners for
Sullivan applied for a UK visa. The UK Civil Partnership
immigration purposes. Although it has not been easy, Sullivan and
Act, which ensures that registered same-sex couples are leHunter are finally living together in Manchester, England, and
gally recognized as equal to married couples, would not
Hunter insists it was well worth the struggle. "I live with my best
come into effect until December 2005. Since they had
friend and soul mate. I have the love and the partner that I have
not yet lived together for the required two years, Sullivan
always dreamt of. Life is harder in many ways, but it is happier:'
applied for a visa through the Highly Skilled Migrant Programme.
I couldn't have said it better myself and, in spite of what my family
Her first application was rejected, but her second application was
thinks, England was the best thing that ever happened to me. ■
approved in the summer of 2005, just months before the Civil
Attorney Oree Callopy, of the Washington, D.C.-based firm Maggio
& Kattar, works with gays and lesbians on immigration cases
concerning asylum (her most recent case involved immigrating a
Brazilian lesbian who was threatened by her ex-boyfriend) and immigration through marriage. But with some states legalizing samesex marriage and COMA still in existence, things can get mighty
complicated. Callopy helps us clear up some issues. [KatiePeoples]
It comesto immigration?
Therearea lotof provisions
wheretheytry to
preventmarriage
fraud,soyouhaveto provethat
you'rea legitimate
coupleandthatyoulivetoyou'vecombined
yourassets,
thatyoufile
Massachusetts
andtheymarrytheirforeign- gether,
Whatkindsof roadblocks
dogaycouples
your
taxes
together,
both
your
names
areonyour
national
partner
and
then
try
to
bring
them
faceIn Immigration
thatare differentfrom
property,
on
either
car
titles
or
mortgages,
leases
to
Massachusetts,
then
immigration
would
the onesstraightcouplesface?
for property,
thosesortsof things.So,yes,every
recognize
it?
Well,for instance,
for marriage-based
benefitshasto beverywelldocumented,
with
Youneverknowwithimmigration,
unfortunately, relationship
immigration
benefits-if a U.S.citizenmarries
photos,
as
well
as
correspondence.
what
they
are
going
to
do.
That's
a
big
challenge
somebody,
a foreignnational,
usuallythebenefits
Whatwill Improvegaycouples'chancesof
in ourjob,butI wouldguessthatit would-that
areonlyallowedor available
to coupleswhocan
to the UnitedStates?
couldbefiledandtheywouldgenerate bringingtheirspouses
provethattheyarelegallymarried.
So,obviously, petitions
I thinkmoreandmorelegislation
needsto be
caselawandcontroversy.
thatbenefitis notavailable
to gayandlesbian
passed,
and
I
think
right
now
the
push
shouldbe...
Does
It
help
to
have
these
sorts
of
relacouples,
astheirmarriages
in moststatesarenot
lobbying
Congress
and
trying
to
get
discrimination
tlonshlps
documented-like
a
domestic
seenaslegalin theUnitedStates.
partnership,
clvilunionor marriage-when againstthesegroupseliminated.
ButIf somebody
Is a residentIn
April 2009 I 39
{ToHaveandto Hold}
WeddingMarch
-1i6QWJll1Wi■•iiiillii•llii!l•l1i•Wliliiliffllt ByAlisonWalkley
I
ON OCT.10, 2008, the Connecticut Supreme
Court voted 4 to 3 in favor of the plaintiffs
in Kerrigan and Mock v. Connecticut Dept.
of Public Health. Beth Kerrigan and Jodie
Mock (right) of West Hartford brought their
case for marriage equality against the state's
Department of Public Health in 2004. The
decision solidifies Connecticut as the second
state ( third if you count California, see page
43) in the nation, after Massachusetts, to
legalize same-sex marriage.
Kerrigan and Mock were one of eight couples in the state to file the lawsuit with the help
of Gay & Lesbian Advocates & Defenders, the
legal group responsible for the lawsuits that led to marriage equality
in Massachusetts in 2004 and civil unions in Vermont in 2000.
"It was a mutual decision, quick and easy;' Kerrigan said of becoming involved in the case. "We re ecstatic to be a part of such a landmark
decision. Of course, we didn't know we'd win at first, but even being a
part of it is a privilege:'
Though the couples involved each had different reasons for fighting
for equality, Kerrigan said, "We wanted our kids to feel as included in
society as any child. Civil unions gave us the rights we deserved, but
they weren't inclusive. It was divisive as well. We say that marriage is
just a word, but if it was just a word, they'd give it to us:'
On the morning of the decision, Kerrigan remembers, "It was overwhelming. I don't think we had realized how much the whole thing
was weighing on us. Ir was so emotional. Jody and I were on the
Internet trying to read the decision, getting through the legal terms
and everything. I was calling our lawyer when the Associated Press
called for our reaction. They said, 'You've won!' and I asked, J\re you
sure?' Our attorneys said, 'Yes, we won; and we tearfully embraced.
There were a lot of tears:'
According to the majority opinion in the case, written by Justice
Richard N. Palmer, "Interpreting our state constitutional provisions
in accordance with firmly established equal protection principles leads
inevitably to the conclusion that gay persons are entitled to marry
the otherwise qualified same sex partner of their choice. To decide
otherwise would require us to apply one set of constitutional principles to gay persons and another to all ochers. The guarantee of equal
protection under the law, and our obligation to uphold chat command,
forbids us from doing so:'
One of the organizations with a direct hand in the achievement is Love
MakesaFamily(LMAF),anoffshootofthenationalEqualityFederation,
which was formed in the fall of 2000 to fight for second-parent
adoption in Connecticut.
"We have to keep fighting to protect it;' Anne Stanback, LMAF's
executive director, said of the state's decision. "We're not taking any40
I curve
thing for granted:'
To be sure, after the court decision
conservative groups like the Family
Institute of Connecticut raised their voices loud enough to get a question onto the
Nov. 4 ballot regarding a constitutional
convention to amend the state constitution. Luckily, Connecticut citizens voted
resoundingly against it.
"I feel fortunate to be living in a state
chat recognizes our right to marry;'
Kerrigan said. "I couldn't believe I would
see this is my lifetime, after living in the
closet for so long:' Kerrigan and Mock
applied for their marriage license the first day that same-sex couples
were allowed to do so in Connecticut, Nov. 12.
For everyone else in the nation still awaiting their marriage victories, Kerrigan said, "I look at some states and wonder if I'll see them
legalize marriage in my lifetime. Some places are just intolerant. Hang
in there and fight with love as opposed to anger:' ■
You want the day you commit
the rest of your life to your partner to be green, but the caterer
is killing you on the dinnerware
charges-what to do? Check
out 100 percent renewable plant
material dinnerware by Verterra.
It biodegrades in two to six
months, but before it does it'll
impress the in-laws. Fair trade,
simple and compostable-sure
beats using paper plates, which
end up in landfills. ($8 and up,
verterra.com)
If you want a special way to say
"thank you," try sending a message in a bottle. Urbanity has
come up with a way to send the
bottle through the regular mail. You print your personalized note on the paper, roll it into a scroll and secure it
with a ribbon. Then fill out the cute mailing label, affix
a stamp and it's ready to go. The messages are a great
way to invite people to your wedding, too. ($4 and up,
urbanity-studios.com) [RachelBeebeand HeatherGilligan]
The Case
Against
Proposition
8
IN SEPTEMBER
2008, Christina Amini and Elspeth Stowell stood
side-by-side under the carved rotunda in San Francisco's City Hall.
Amini wore a glistening white dress, Stowell a gray suit. Friends and
family listened as a judge proclaimed, "By the power vested in me by
the State of California, I now pronounce you ... spouses for life:'
"When he said those words, I realized how much weight
the ceremony actually had;' says Amini. "I didn't expect to be
moved, but it was really meaningful to be there in City Hall:'
fn
~ This was their second ceremony, but their first to be recognized
Cl)
e. by the state. Amini and Stowell are just one of 18,000 same; sex couples who are legally wed in California. But with the
~ passage of Proposition 8 the legality of their marriage, and the
Cl)
ti! future of same-sex marriages in California, is uncertain. Prop. 8,
0
8 which redefined the state constitution to include the words "Only
w
F marriage between a man and a woman is valid or recognized in
' California;' won by a 5 percent margin, shocking many residents
who thought it unlikely that a conservative measure would pass
~ in their liberal-leaning state, especially with opponents like the
California NAACP, the United Farm Workers, the California
ffi Teachers Association and dozens of congregations. With the
~
~ exception of the 2008 presidential race, more money was spent on
~ the Prop. 8 campaigns than on any other political objective nation~ wide. And the costly and lengthy battle continues. Those fighting
to reinstate our right to marry are focusing their attention on three
§.
i
[l_
i
~
aspects of the case:
~
w
~ ► TheMinorityvs.theMajority
!
One tenet of the constitution is to protect the rights of the minority from the will of the majority. Opponents of Prop. 8-which
ti include the ACLU, Lambda Legal and the National Center for
a:
~ Lesbian Rights (NCLR)-filed
a petition on Nov. 5, challenging
~ Prop. 8 on the grounds that it violated "the constitution's core
~ commitment to equality for all by eliminating a fundamental right
15 from just one group:' Shannon Minter, legal director of the NCLR,
explains it this way: "If a majority can strip away fundamental
rights from a minority, then there would be no point to having a
~ constitution in the first place:' And it's not just civil rights groups
~ who agree. Last December, Attorney General Jerry Brown, who
~ was expected to uphold Prop. 8, suggested it be overturned on the
gw
i
!
grounds that it allowed the majority to take away our "inalienable"
constitutional rights.
► A Revision
vs.anAmendment
Those fighting Prop. 8 believe it never should have been on the
ballot in the first place. The argument: Prop. 8 is a radical change
to the constitution and should be considered a revision, rather than
a simple amendment; a revision requires a 4-3 majority within the
state legislature and cannot be decided by the voters. "In a nutshell,
what we are arguing is that the supporters of 8 didn't go about this
in the right way;' says Jason Howe, senior public information officer
for Lambda Legal. "Revising the constitution is a bigger job than just
amending it:'
► Grandfathered
In?
Beyond confronting the constitutionality of the initiative, a decision
needs to be made regarding same-sex marriages performed before
Nov. 4. Will Stowell and Amini still be recognized as "spouses for lifet
Proponents of Prop. 8 say no. They believe the language of the amendment ("is valid" instead of "will be valid") implies that all same-sex
marriages, past or future, will not be recognized by the state. In a brief
filed by the Yeson 8 campaign, the group stated that the initiative's"plain
language encompasses both pre-existing and later-created same-sex
(and polygamous) marriages, whether performed in California or elsewhere. With crystal clarity, it declares that they are not valid or recognized in California:' But Howe disagrees. "We think they are valid;' he
says.''A law has to explicitly state that it is retroactive. This one doesn't.
You can't tell someone something they did is illegal after the fact:'
► What'sNext?
The California Supreme Court agreed to hear oral arguments on
both sides and a decision about reinstating marriage for all could
come this spring or summer. Both the NCLR and Lambda Legal are
optimistic that Prop. 8 will be overturned. "Our arguments are pretty
strong;' says Howe. "We're very hopeful the court will strike down
Prop. 8 and restore the freedom to marry for same-sex couples;' adds
Minter. And when our right to marry is reinstated, Amini says that
if it's necessary, she and Stowell will happily make their make way to
the steps of City Hall again. ■
April 2009
I41
{ToHaveandto Hold}
Hostie Territory
ByMarcieBianco
WHILEHEADWAY
IS BEINGMADEin the struggle towards marriage
equality for ordinary gays and lesbians, the fate of marriage equality
for queers serving in the armed forces has often been overlooked.
Regardless of the success of marriage equality initiatives in several states, both the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy and the Uniform
Code of Military Justice-specifically Article 125 on sodomy, which
states that a person can be discharged for "unnatural carnal copulation with a person of the same or opposite sex" -render
gay
marriage for military service personnel legally impossible. Indeed,
the success of marriage equality only complicates matters for LGBT
service members.
Even if Congress passes federal legislation in favor of marriage
equality, the third proviso of"Don't Ask, Don't Tell" ("that the member has married or attempted to marry a person known to be of
the same biological sex") would still deny a lesbian service member's
right to marry-·or"attempt
to marry" (whatever that means)-her
partner.
Currently, the Subcommittee on Military Personnel in the
House of Representatives is considering "The Military Readiness
Enhancement Act" (HR 1246), which was proposed by former
Congressman Marty Meehan (D-Mass.) to repeal"Don't Ask, Don't
Tell:' However, the act does not explicitly address the issue of gay
partnership or marriage, nor does it address the UCMJ's article on
sodomy. Its only objective is to allow LGBT members to serve "openly" in verbal terms. As the Servicemembers Legal Defense Network
explains on its website, "The Military Readiness Enhancement Act
42
Icurve
would not create a right to benefits for same-sex
partners or spouses, because under current federal law such benefits would violate the federal
Defense of Marriage Act:'
What the Readiness Act effectively means
is that a service member can say that she is a
lesbian, but she cannot claim her partner as her
spouse. Consequently, her partner is not entitled
to any of the benefits afforded to heterosexual
servicemembers' spouses that help them acclimate to and to assist them in their military life
(aside from the 1,138 benefits of marriage listed
in the U.S. Government Accountability Office
report).
For readers unfamiliar with the military, just
imagine a military base as a commune in which
all basic needs are made available at low or no
cost. As outlined by the Department of Defense,
military service members and their dependents
who live on-base or off-base are privy to many
benefits like housing, healthcare, child care,
groceries, college classes and travel. And the
military issues identification cards, or Common Access Cards, to
spouses in order to gain access to buildings on base. For instance,
you need to present your CAC at checkout when shopping at the
commissary, simply to purchase goods.
Since LGBT servicemembers cannot officially list their partners
as their spouses under "Don't Ask, Don't Tell;' they are unable to
take advantage of these benefits, which, viewed collectively, have a
large financial effect on LGBT military families.
In the Readiness Act lies a subtle echo of that infuriatingly
paradoxical Christian doxa, "hate the sin, but love the sinner:'
Verbally identifying as a lesbian is deemed satisfactory because
claiming an identity is a nonsexual act. Any suggestion of being
sexually active, however-such
as having a partner-is
considered
too threatening.
The continued neglect of the real lives of LGBT servicemembers
is debilitating to servicemembers and their partners.
Critics say ignorance of both the symbolic and the material
consequences of inequality has resulted in a lackadaisical and
indifferent approach to LGBT issues by politicians. They argue
that those in the LGBT community need to emphasize that legal
equality is more than a symbolic gesture; Otherwise, the government will continue to fail us.
Regardless of how many states legalize same-sex marriage,
DOMA and "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" function in tandem with one
another, and without the full repeal of both, LGBT service members
will continue to be forced into the closet. ■
~
~
~
0
0
I
X
a:
Hotdesigners
createweddingcouture,lesbianstyle.
ByStephanie
Schroeder
LEATHER
AND LACEare popping up in bridal wear this year-and
it's not just about leather for butches and lace for femmes. Lesbianfriendly designers like AlphaChix and Birnbaum & Bullock are
making bold statements with everything from traditional Chantilly
gowns to biker babe leather bustiers.
When AlphaChix founder Christi Kapp entered the biker world
§' in 2005, she decided to create a wedding concept around leather and
~ lace. Kapp designed two special leather garments-a cream leather
::)
~ bustier with cream lace and a black leather tuxedo. Shortly thereaf
~ ter, she created brands for both men's and women's leather apparel.
<I'.
~ AlphaChix is, says Kapp, "for the strong, successful, sexy woman:'
1B. Kapp's garments are based on the original leather tuxedo, but re~
w
visioned for women-in fact,
a:
~
the leather vests and bustiers
~
she recently introduced were
Cl)
~
modeled in a fashion shoot by
a:
j
her queer friends in Florida.
~
The vests, she says, are com>a:
a:
fortable to inhabit as bridal
~
~
wear, for bartending or just for
I
CJ
<I'.
fun. The tails are made to be
I
~
zipped off for not-so-formal
'.!,
0..
0..
occasions and can be dressed
~
up with a camisole or worn
ci
with a formal tuxedo shirt.
~
cc
I
For something a little lacier,
CJ
we love Steven Birnbaum and Robert Bullock-gay men who design
bridal wear for their label, Birnbaum & Bullock in New York City.
Their 2008-'09 collection features Chantilly, a delicate single-layer
sheer lace. (Most commercial lace you see today is Alern;on lace, an
applique of one lace over another.) And while their designs are feminine they are far from cookie-cutter and heteronormative.
"These days, it's about being inclusive and embracing diversity;'
says Birnbaum. "It's very important to take weddings and bridal wear
out of the realm of an exclusive club and transform marriage into a
celebration between two people, no matter who they are. We need
to take gay people out of the specialty realm and integrate them into
everyday life:'
Their collection ranges from modest designs, for women who
desire less revealing outfits, for religious reasons, to short bubble
skirts and form-fitting mermaid styles. And their alternative sizing
recognizes a range of female sizes and shapes, believing a size 0 is just
as alternative as a size 20. They also use a diverse mix of models in
their shows and ad campaigns.
These two designers are perfect for the lesbian couple starting
their married lives and going off into the sunset. ■
The Tune "Leather and Lace" by Stevie Nicks and Don
Henley hit No. 6 on the U.S. pop charts in January 1982.
What song will you play at your wedding? Send your
playlistto letters@curvemag.com.
April 2009
I43
Girl Toy or Boy Toy?
One lesbian mom struggles to teach her kids that gender is a spectrum,
despite the best efforts of America's toymakers. By Beren deMotier
I was having a "mood" recently-my
wife was out of
town, the Oregon monsoon
season had kept the kids and
me cooped up and cooking for
them in that state seemed like
a really bad idea, something
that could end with me going out for beer and cigarettes
and never coming back. So
we went to Burger King instead. Not the best nutritional
choice, but less damaging than
reckless abandonment. When
I'd spit out my order, including the kid's meal for the
6-year-old, the voice from the
drive-through speaker asked,
"Would you like the girl toy
or the boy toyt
I couldn't
swear (because there were kids in the car), but I might have
launched into an oration on the dual-gender system,
stereotyping and compulsory heterosexuality, if it had
just been the teenagers with me. They've heard it all
before. So I asked for the truck instead of the doll, refusing
to assign a gender to a toy.
It's been like that lately-I've encountered a barrage of toybased bias while searching for our little guy's birthday presents online. I've been shopping at Amazon instead of Target
because searching by gender is only one of dozens of ways to
find a toy on Amazon's site, while at Target.com, boy versus
girl is first on the list. But even at Amazon I saw pink-bucket
Tinker Toys and Legos labeled "designed especially for girls;'
and realized the world hasn't changed as much as I hoped.
I'd been so oblivious-living in our liberal bubble, shopping
at independent toy stores that wouldn't dare assign gender to
a toy for fear of being mobbed by tattooed vegans carrying
pitch forks and flaming tiki torches. I'm part of a community
whose parents brag about schools where boys feel free to wear
pink and two-mom families are as common as dirt. And it
seemed like our older kids came out of the womb shunning
stereotypes, suspicious of commercials and questioning authority. They think gender stereotyping is stupid.
Our daughter is particularly livid on this issue, probably
because she was deluged with dolls between the ages of 1 and
4, when she discreetly disavowed any interest in humanlike
playthings and shoved the offending toys into a plastic bin
under her bed. She was also the reluctant recipient of three
tea sets, two doll strollers, several Barbies and a boatload of
ice cream-colored plastic food, which later became a popular
item to pelt other kids with.
Instructions Not Included
THE
PERFECT
BABY
HANDBOOK
A G111drfor fattrfflttl)'
MollNUJ ,.,nu
~.,.,,
i
...._ ..... "--"~f--...
....
,1 .. r-~
,._,._,.......,,.,._Ull,
Siftingthroughthestacksof bookson
conception,
pregnancy
andparentingto findtheonesthatareactually
worththeirpriceonAmazon
is damn
nearimpossible-especially
for a
familywithtwo mommies.
Thereare
enoughguidebooks
outthereto keep
youbusywellpasttheagewhenyour
eggsareviable,butthese
twocaughtoureye.The
PerfectBabyHandbook:
,..,.,
A guideforExcessively
Motivated
Parents
byDale
Hrabi(Harper
Collins)
is
justwhatyouneedwhen
thecrushing
senseof
..
te4•-'di
(_.wr1i..11t!)
responsibility
youfeelwhencreating
a lifegetsyoudown.Thisspoofon
traditional
babyguidebooks
(anda
certainkindof overprotective,
affluent
parent)offersadviceoneverything
from
"Thethinlinebetween
'cute'and'cruel'
babyhats"to "Howto readyourbaby's
thoughtsbyscrutinizing
herobsessively,"notto mentionhelpfulsections
on
naming,baby-proofing
andco-pooping.
A moderate
heterosexual
bias(diagrams
thatfeatureDaddyandMommy)
is offsetbythefactthatit'll makeyoulaugh
outloudbypage5. TheRookie
Mom's
Handbook
bysupermoms
Heather
Gibbs
FlettandWhitney
Moss(QuirkBooks)
is a moreearnest,
morepastelattempt
to givefirst-timemothers
adviceon
keeping
themselves
healthy.
Organized
bymonth(beginning
withbirth),this
guidesuggests
250activities
thatwill
keepyouandyourbabycontentthrough
maternity
leaveandbeyond.
Whilesome
suggestions,
likeNo.23 (master
some
one-handed
tasks),mightbeuseful
others,likeNo.17(pretend
you'rein
Paris),
justseemsilly.Allin all,the
presumption
thebookmakes-thatall
newmothers
needhelpbeinghappyis a littlecondescending
andalsoa little
frightening
to thispotential
rookiemom.
[RAcHa
BEEBE]
g
..J
a:
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0
0
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44
I curve
Our older son suffered the usual tunnel vision of the
adults around him with good grace, never really that into
the cars, sports equipment or various aggressive action figures that showed up on birthdays or Christmas. To be fair,
he wasn't all that into the dolls we gave him when he was
little either, and he never"played house"-he was too busy
constructing life-size rainforests out of cut paper to worry
about domestic chores.
But it was obvious to us before any of them were born
that most store-bought toys are sociological tools-my
wife's disappointment when her little brother got the Big
Wheel she'd been begging for is imbedded permanently
in her brain. Toys are intended to cement traditional gender roles and homogenize American youth. My wife and I
try not to be rude about this at birthday parties, skipping
speeches on stereotypes or pointing the finger of blame
at anyone for supporting gender polarity. We taught our
kids that it's the thought that counts ( the one about pleasing the recipient, not the one chanting "conform, conform,
conform'') and that exchanging later is OK.
Because parents are the main influence on how much
impact gendered toys have on kids, the real question is, do
the parents talk about who can play with a toy and how
it is played with? Not surprisingly, in my experience the
only discernible difference between kids raised by samesex parents and heterosexual parents is that one group is
more open-minded about lifestyles, blamed by some on
our refusal to buy gender-specified toys or insist on "gender-appropriate" play. (Who knew open-mindedness was
such a bad thing?)
Our literal, littlest boy is prey to any and all clever
commercials. He is one of the reasons we are so glad we
turned off the TV years ago. At Grandma's house, he sees
advertisements persuading him that every boy needs an
all-terrain RC and camouflage commando gear to make
his life complete. We must detox him after every visit and
dispute the stereotypes he comes home spouting, assuring
him that girls like Bob the Builder, too, and boys do play
dress-up.
But only a cruel person continues to supply unwanted
playthings in an effort to influence a child, and there are
toys in our house I never thought we'd see--:-our nontruck-craving, rainforest boy has become a Nerf-gun toting, violent-videogame player who wants world peace, and
my Internet searches that rainy day were for Lego robotic
warriors wielding laser swords to add to our little guy's
~
~
~
collection.
Hopefully, by the time our three kids are socially conscious adult consumers, gender will be acknowledged as
a wide spectrum, and toys will be available in a variety of
colors for kids to choose from, without having to buy in to
sickly-sweet or testosterone-fueled visions of childhood,
~
~ or drink the Kool-Aid, to get t he toy. ■
(/)
Buildinga Family
Lesbians, it seems, can be tenacious when it comes to creating families of
their own choosing. But, regardless of what we see on television, creating-or adopting-children
isn't easy. Which is why Victoria Ferrara, a
family and divorce lawyer in Fairfield, Conn., founded Creating Families,
LLC, in early 2008. A surrogacy matching agency, Creating Families
provides legal representation
and counseling in the legal
areas of family planning and
building, including surrogacy,
assisted reproductive technology and both domestic and
international adoption. Ferrara
now helps queers and straight
folks from around the globe to
start families.
Whydid you decideto focuson
reproductive
law?
I think because of my own personal experience. Being gay and
having a baby through invitro
[fertilization] with my partner made me see the process couples go through firsthand. Our second baby we adopted, which was a
whole different experience. I've always made myself available to the gay
community, since I began my law firm. It made sense to couple that interest with my legal work.
Whyis it importantthatserviceslikeyoursareavailableto lesbians?
It facilitates our being able to create families and have children that we
wouldn't be able to otherwise. It means that there are all of these wanted
children who are so loved and able to be brought up in the world.
Whatadvicewouldyougivea couplewhoarethinkingaboutstartinga familythroughsurrogacy?
I'd suggest they talk to other couples that have gone through similar
experiences. Gather as much information as possible from the Internet
and converse with a lawyer who specializes in the field. Make sure you
get the right advice from a clinic or good professionals. We want to make
sure you have a good surrogacy journey and a positive experience.
Doyouhavemorequeerclientsthanheterosexual
clients?
It's pretty balanced. At the beginning, I saw more same-sex couples because that's how I became known in the field. But it's equally important
for straight couples where the woman can't carry a baby or doesn't have
an egg available.
Withsame-sexmarriageslowlybecoming
legalized,
howdoyouexpectyour
business
to be affected?
I think it will be positively affected. More gay couples are looking for
advice on getting married. I've already had some questions about the difference between civil unions and marriage and how to turn one into the
other. Unfortunately, this also means that there will be more same-sex
divorces as well. [AlisonWalkley]
April 2009
I45
PregoInterrupted
Andrea Askowitz, author of My Miserable Lonely Lesbian Pregnancy, sounds off
about the 1O things she didn't expect while expecting.
Ifit'sa boy
1'111
ton, betwee"the"a111es
Sebastia"
a"dRafael.
starring
6ffi'il1JMlillflfil!.i!il
ffllmmrno~· - - • • -•
ThatI wouldhatebeingpregnant.
No one told me pregnancy
was miserable. I didn't even know misery was an option. My
gynecologist told me that about 20 percent of all pregnant
women experience depression. When she said, "The fetus is
the ultimate parasite;' I fell in love with her.
ThatI wouldhavea bionicsenseofsmell.My sense of smell was
so strong, I could tell what deodorant people were wearing.
My best friend wore Tom's of Maine. So natural, it smelled
like rotting carrots. This was a talent I wished I didn't have.
Thatit wouldbesohardto getlaid.My friend Ravi told me that
people kill to have sex with pregnant women. For the first seven months, I didn't want to, but once the hormones kicked in,
I was turned on like never before. And I didn't discriminate:
The woman who made rice-art on the beach, my yoga teacher,
the male photographer who worked upstairs-anyone would
do. No one complied.
ThatI wouldhatemyfriends.
Just lost
my taste for them.
Thatstrangers
wouldthinkI wasstraight
and how that wouldpissme off. It
makes sense, in retrospect. I was pregnant, after all, and I know that most
people get that way through manwoman coitus. Still, I didn't want anyone misunderstanding me.
A woman at a dinner party asked
me about my husband. I said, 'Tm a
lesbian:'
"Sorry for assuming;' she said. "Is
46 Icurve
your partner here?"
"I don't have a partner:'
A woman at a single-lesbian mixer looked up from my belly
and said, "Excuse me, this is a lesbian parry:'
I said, "I know:'
She said, "Well, who's the father?"
"Donor number 3342;' I said.
ThatI wouldpeein mypants.I was holding grocery bags, one
in each hand, when I sneezed. I'm not talking a little squirt on
my underwear, I'm saying a huge circle that soaked through
my pants.
Thattherewassucha thingasa mucusplug.This is a cork-like
substance that protects the uterus from the outside world. I'd
never heard of it. Then, during labor, my midwife leaned me
over to give me an enema. I stood up and a brown blob of
slime came out of my body and landed on the bathroom floor.
My midwife said it was probably the mucus plug and wiped
it up with toilet paper. She smelled it to make sure. It was the
mucus plug.
Thatlaborwouldhurtthatbad.I mean, come on!
Thatdepression
is realandserious.
It didn't matter that I had
enough money, loving friends and a supportive family, or that
I got pregnant on the second try and that pregnancy was all I
ever wanted-I could complain indefatigably.
Thatbeinga singlemomdoesnotmeanneverhavinga partner
again.Turns out lesbians are not afraid of a woman with a
baby. Walking around with a baby in tow is even better than
a puppy. ■
Uncovering Hawaii's
hidden gay history.
By Carlie Partridge
H
~
~
5
~
g;
~
AWAIi IS, without a doubt, a cultural crazy-quilt,
a patchwork of immigrants stitched together by
tourism. The fabled Hawaiian hospitality is alive
and well, although often contorted by the overpolished marketing schemes of hotels, resorts and other establishments
poised to profit from it. Aloha is a mega-industry, and it sells
everything from hula-girl lighters and coconut monkeys to
helicopter rides and honeymoons. The legendary paradise
of Hawaii is known in every corner of the world, conveyed
through tiki coasters, mai tais and images of technicolor
sunsets. And the tourism doesn't thrive on nothing: Hawaii
is a place of wonder, fantasy and glaring paradox. Of course,
"Come relax in our sand and encounter glaring paradox" is not
fodder for brochures, but if you stay long enough-or look
honestly enough-you're bound to find it.
The main islands of the Hawaiian archipelago ( there are
seven inhabited ones), are a place where gays, lesbians and
transgender individuals have a long history of acceptance
and integration (not just tolerance). This started long before
1993, when Hawaii almost became the first state to legalize same-sex marriage. Historically, indigenous Hawaiian
culture did not stigmatize same-sex relationships. Like the
people of other Pacific Islander cultures, t h e pre-missionary
Hawaiians accepted lesbian partnerships as well gay male
partnerships and mahus (trans women). In face, the famed
King Kamehameha of the Kingdom of Hawaii famously
had an ai-kane-a male lover. Gay women, as well as married women with gay lovers, were free from kapus (taboos)
on sex and free from cultural shame-much to the chagrin
of the zealous Christian missionaries who arrived in around
1820, armed with their gospels of salvation and their gender
anxiety.
Here lies the first whiff of paradox. The incoming
Christians were met with that now-famous Hawaiian hospitality, that come-hither sincerity and charm, and managed to
apply some of their internalized homophobia co the islander
culture, which found itself in a sudden clash of values:
The missionaries left their mark on Hawaiian culture, and
to this day the social dislocation they caused casts its shadow.
While there is still acceptance among native Hawaiians, the
acceptance is enmeshed in a broader culture that has been
influenced by immigrants. East Asians constitute over 60 percent of Hawaii's population-they
represent cultures where
a generally more conservative atmosphere toward the expression of sexual identity prevails. There is a shyness about public
intimacy in general, let alone gay snuggling. Even within the
city limits of Honolulu, a metropolis of 900,000 people, it is
unusual to see openly gay couples in most neighborhoods.
There is a subtle but permeating atmosphere of restraint.
Thankfully, there are sparkling exceptions. Waikiki is a
restraint-free zone. Lip-locked ladies are a dime a dozen, and
there's no shortage of lesbian-run surf schools, boat rides and
dive shops. Waikiki is the Vegas of the South Pacific, with
its strip of hotels and parallel strip of drug dealers and other
riff-raff. Its throbbing nightclubs and its ritzy shopping malls
are indistinguishable from those on
Rodeo Drive. Sin, sex and sand circulate
through Waikiki, where hotels are consistently at capacity. Like the hula girl
and her beckoning hips, Waikiki is altogether alluring and undeniably sensual.
The weather is perfect, the vibe is a mischievous reggae-house music fusion and
women look amazing when sun-kissed
and sea-tossed. Not to mention enveloped in that thin, scrumptious layer of
salt after an afternoon in the ocean.
Waikiki is the epicenter of gay nightlife, boasting several clubs. The most
famous is Hula's Bar and Lei Stand-a
nice place to "get buzzed or get lei'd," as
the locals say. Hula's is a laid-back mixture of locals and tourists, with a consistent lesbian clientele. After a buzz at
Stephanie Lay and
Cathy Hurley,regulars Hula's, many head to Angles, which offers an open-air lanai
at Honolulu'sroving and dance floor, taking advantage of Honolulu's year-round
lesbian club night,
DowneTowne 82-degree weather. There are drag shows of all kinds at
Fusion, and booze-cruises on the lesbian-owned Rainbow
Charters, which depart not far from Hula's. It's a compact and
friendly scene, low on brooding hipsters and high on conversation and fruity rum drinks. Ladies-only bars are few, however, several having popped on and off the gaydar in the past
several years. The Black Garter Cafe is still in business, but is
relocating. It also supports a production company promoting
lesbian events.
Waikiki blazes brightly against the majesty of Diamond
Head, a long-dormant volcano and a testament to the raw,
natural power of Hawaii's volcanic landforms. "Pele Is
Coming," reads a popular bumper sticker, referring to the
creator-destroyer goddess of fire, whose legendary hair created the land itsel£ And Pele is everywhere, even in Waikiki,
as touristy torches line the streets and orchestrated fire-dancers blaze along the beaches. Pele always promises her guests
excitement, which is rampant in Waikiki, as well as in other
neighborhoods.
Honolulu's Chinatown is an up-and-coming urban enclave
of underground art and fashion and a rising counter-cultural
flow, all nestled in the belly of a bustling fish market. By day,
the markets of Chinatown offer a flurry of fresh fruits, vegetables and herbal cure-alls, including all manner of virility
talismans (rats, lizards, etc.). By night, Chinatown features
some trendy nightclubs, frequented more by locals than by
tourists. A thriving lesbian arts community shows its colors
once a month during the First Friday Chinatown Art Walks,
48
Icurve
as well as at the poetry-slam and open-mic scene. The Sunday
night open-mic gathering at Ong King Arts Center aims to
bring fringe groups of local actors, poets, musicians and artists together to create a local urban culture.
But, for those looking for something less urban, there's a
convenient handful of other islands to explore. Pele's House,
for example, is on the island of Hawaii-called the Big Island
so as not to confuse it with the state. Pele lives in a caldera near
the snow-capped Mauna Kea peak, on the island that boasts
over 25 microclimates, given its large expanse and a variety of
elevations. The land is alive on the Big Island-visitors can
literally watch the island grow as molten lava steams its way
into the sea.
For more of a hippie vibe, the island of Maui offers several gay nights in towns from Kihei to Lahaina, though it
has a much smaller sampling of bars than Waikiki. There is a
closer-knit yet inviting lesbian community here. Maui also offers several charming gay bed-and-breakfast options. Be sure
to check out Maui's upcountry region, an unlikely fusion of
cowboy-cowgirl culture and island attitude, where "howdy"
and "hang loose'' are uttered in the same sentence.
Dotted with sleepy resort towns, Kauai, the Garden Isle, is
the oldest, and therefore the most verdant of the main islands.
This is the place for romance, instrospection and healing. This
is where you go to hold hands as the sun sets, birds sing and
whales dance. Kauai also features what many world travelers
have called the most beautiful place on the planet-the Na
Pali cliffs.
The other three inhabited islands are small and, of those,
only Molokai and Lanai are accessible by plane ( the tiny
Ni'ihau has a population ofless than 300 and visitors are prohibited). Today, Lanai is a popular scuba destination but long
ago it was home to the leper colony where Father Damien
lived. Molokai is considered a "last bastion" of the authentic
native Hawaiian lifestyle, and its website promises that you'll
"see riotous rainbows and nature's bounty:'
The strange paradox of the modern lesbian community
in Hawaii brings to mind a Hawaiian proverb: "No rain, no
rainbows:' It's not perfect, but it's pretty. It's a relaxed, safe and
beautiful place to be gay. It's laid-back and a little uptight, it's
slow and it's fast, it's cheerful and it's serious. It's sunny and
rainy, and there are rainbows everywhere. ■
OVERCOMING
JETLAG
In four decadesof travelingoverseas,
I've learnedall aboutjetlag.Thebestcureis this:Soonafterlandingin a newtime zone,
immerseyourselfin waterandhavean orgasm.(Note:you
don'thaveto do bothat the sametime.)Theimmersion-in a
hottub,in the ocean,in the hotelpoolor evenin a bathtub-rehydratesyourskinandyoursoulfromthe long,dry flight from
home.Theorgasmjolts yourbodyclockandit cheersyouup.
Thenext-bestcurefor jetlagwhenyoutravelto Hawaiiis
a water massagefrom DennisMillerof SpaPurein Waikiki.
Doneoutdoorsin the WylandHotel'swarm,privatepool,the
treatmentis a yin-yangswirl massage,
very looseandloosen-
MAUI ANDHappiness is cavorting with wild
dolphins and flying down the side
of a volcano. By Gillian Kendall
WE NEVER EXPECTED to swim with wild dolphins.
Although, like a lot of lesbians, my partner and I feel connected to our marine-mammal cousins, and although she
once paid good money to swim with a captive-despite my
hearty disapproval-we actually went to Maui for the bike
ride. My athletic beloved had discovered a 29-mile downhill
cruise from the top of Haleakala Crater. There is no huffing
out of breath-not
even any pedaling down this active volcano-and afterward, they take you to a historic winery for
lunch. This was a bike trip even I could enjoy.
Unfortunately, as we planned our trip, we heard that the
wonderful ride had been cancelled for "security reasons;'
which I supposed meant that someone had died. I was only
partly right: In fact, three people had died on the crater, one
in the state park. So these days, Maui Downhill starts the ride
lower, outside the park gates-but you still get 19 miles of
freewheeling freedom.
We were picked up at our hotel lobby at 7:15 a.m. by an
exuberant, gap-toothed dude who introduced himself as
"Uncle Russ" and bragged that he'd already done 19 miles
that morning-"ring-a-dingin'"
down the slope that we were
heading for. As he drove us through the dawn, he reeled out
the rules. No. 1: "Don't ride on each other's butts!" He'd assign our places and we would stick to them, and keep 30 feet
apart. No. 2: "Monkey see, monkey do!" If Russ pulled over,
we pulled over. No. 3: "Right before left-always:' That meant
that we had to use the rear brake, on the right side, before
touching the front brake-otherwise, Uncle Russ explained,
we'd tumble ass over handlebars down the mountain.
I started getting nervous. I'd expected a quiet, relaxing ride
with my partner through the misty mountains, at our own
pace. Instead, I was going to be riding in formation and brak-
ing. Faceup in the water,I was gentlypulledandpushedby
Dennis,his movementsas fluid andcomfortingas waves.All I
hadto do was float,follow andrelax.
I felt like an otter playingin the surf.I was Soulof Otter.No,
no,I thought,not Otter!I wasjellyfish,at onewith the motion
of the waves.No,notjellyfish! I wasthe longstrandsof kelp
in the ocean,waving.No!I wasthe oceanitself,my body,the
water,swellingup anddown,my breath,the air,swooshing
in and out. I was waterandair,I wasthe goddess-interface
betweenthe oceanandsky,I wasthe rippleson the water,the
sparkleson the ripples... I daydreamedlike this until I faded
andtwinkledin languid,sloshingbliss.It wasthe perfect
introductionto Hawaii.[GillianKendall]
ing with my nondominant hand at the command of a madman.
I knew I needed to lag behind. When we
got out of the van, I slunk into my raingear
and Grand-Prix style helmet, whining that I
didn't want to hold everyone up. I'm not very
athletic, I told Uncle Russ. I never use my
bike at home, and I have poor coordination.
The last time I'd visited the mountains in
Hawaii, I'd broken my leg, and that was just walking. Please, I
begged, let me ride at the back of the group; I'd meet them at
the bottom. "We're putting you first;' he roared. "Right behind
me. That way, if you screw up, I might be able save you:'
Stuck in front of the other riders, I had to set the pace.
Everyone else had to stay behind me or get"vanned" by Uncle
Russ-they'd be riding down in the sag wagon. Grimly, I
started downhill, aiming to go as fast as I could stand, and
anticipating disaster.
We cruised down a few easy switchbacks. My breath came
back, and then got taken away again by the views-Irelandgreen slopes overlaid with a soft mist, and in the distance the
Pacific hugging the figure-eight valley between Maui's mountains. I suffered serious house-lust, looking at the driftwoodand-artwork front porches where the beautiful people spend
their summers. Enraptured by the sights, I forgot to worry
about braking, and just sailed along until Uncle Russ-who
rode while turned completely backward on his seat in order to
watch us-signaled to the right and pulled over.
Monkey see, monkey do, I remembered, and pulled up next
to him. "You go second;' he told me, and called another rider
up front, to the loser's place. I was so proud to drop behind.
I felt the joy of being not-the-worst rider combined with the
thrill of effortless motion: We were going only about 20 miles
an hour, but I was flying down those hills, and it was like falling in love.
Besides doing the ride and going wine-tasting, we beachcombed and snorkeled, watched eye-candy hula girls and
boys, body-surfed nude at a party on Baby Beach and ate gorgeous local cuisine at the Pineapple Grill and "plate meals" at
roadside stands. The Lahaina Grill became my new favorite
April 2009
I49
restaurant for its Cosmopolitan margarita (rimmed with
purple dried-plum powder) and "reconstructed" California
roll. In between, we did relaxation yoga (i.e., sitting down,
sleeping) at the Outrigger Napili Shores, where we met another lesbian couple within minutes of hitting the hot tub.
Accommodations in Hawaii vary from the feasible to the
outlandish. I've camped on the beach, crashed with friends,
slept at a Holiday Inn, bed-and-breakfasted, and relished
luscious Sheraton resorts like the Royal Hawaiian. But I
think the best value for the money, and the most suitable
for folks with kids, is a self-contained unit like the ones
at the Outrigger, ResortQuests or the Napili Kai Beach
Resort. Having a kitchenette saved us money on dining,
and the extra living space and verandah gave us breathing
room. After a day of flying downhill or cavorting with wild
dolphins, you need a little space.
About those dolphins: With only 13 passengers, the
Trilogy catamaran sail from Maui to Lanai had a very
high crew-to-passenger ratio. The sailors made Kana coffee and served breakfast, while a naturalist pointed out the
first humpbacks of the season. After docking us near the
Hulopoe Bay Marine Sanctuary, Captain Patty flipped her
ponytail and pointed south, down the half-moon beach.
"That's a great coral reef;' she said. "You'll see lots of
tropical fish:' Then she squinted north, into the sun. "Up
there is where the dolphins hang out:' So there was no
decision to be made about where I wanted to snorkel. When I turned to see if my partner agreed, she was
already wearing her mask, carrying her flippers, and trotting north, dolphin-ward.
I splashed in after her and when I caught up she said,
"You can hear them!" As soon as I put my mask in the
water, I heard squeals and whistles and then saw my first
spinner dolphin family: two adults and a baby, swimming
serenely towards us. They looked at us in passing, and came
so close we could almost touch them; we could see the scars
on their smooth, soft skin.
Soon others came, in groups of two or five, and then 20
or 30 rushed around us. We swam out deep, intersecting
the dolphins' paths, but the water was so clear we could see
every ripple on the sand 60 feet below.
We dove down to swim between them, or we hovered
on the surface and heard their damp exhales when they
came up to breathe. The small dolphins leapt into the air,
and under water some of the adults played something like
touch football, passing off large, soft yellow leaves like a
ball. Imitating their sounds, I squeaked back, and several
dolphins came to check me out; one circled me and made
eye contact for several minutes until she left to find swifter,
more interesting playmates.
Over the morning, one by one my human companions
headed into the beach to eat lunch, or to check out the ree£
until I was alone with the dolphins and a long way from
land. In my four decades of extensive travel, in a lifetime of
loving animals and playing in the ocean, it is the best thing
I've ever done. ■
50
Icurve
GREAT INNS FOR GAY GIRLS
Ten lesbian-owned bed-and-breakfasts from
Florida to New England. By Jodi Helmer
Admitit, girls,youneeda vacation.Whetheryourideaof the perfectholidayis a
romanticgetawaywith yoursweetie,a soloretreatin a gay-friendlytownor a party
weekendwith yourbestgalpals,findingthe rightplaceto stayis important.Togetyou
started,we'vecompileda list of 10greatlesbian-owned
innseastof the Mississippi.
Gettysburg
Battlefield
Bed-and-Breakfast
Stepbackin time at this CivilWar-era
inn in Gettysburg,
Penn.Innkeeper
Florence
Tarboxpurchased
the property
in 1993and
turnedit into
a bed-andbreakfast
for history buffs.The
farmhouse
wasbuilt in
1809and
offerseightguestrooms-two standard
roomsandfoursuites-set on 30 acres
adjacentto Gettysburg
NationalMilitary
Park.Beforetuckingintoa gourmet
breakfast,guestscanattenda CivilWar
historyprogramthat canincludetrying
on authenticuniformsor firing a black
powdermusket.Ghoststoriesaretold
by candlelighteveryFridaynight.($175
andup,gettysburgbattlefield.com)
Lavender
SeaBed-and-Breakfast
Fragrant
lavenderbusheslinethewalk
leadingto thefrontdoorof the Lavender
SeaBed-and-Breakfast
in Williamsburg,
Va.Thisone-roominnwasbuiltin 1938
andis locatedwithinwalkingdistanceof
Colonial
Williamsburg.
In2001,partners
HeidiTresterandChrisMorinpurchased
theinnandhavefilledthe upstairs
bedroom
andmainfloorsittingroomwith
antiquesandartwork.Thegroundsfeaturea secludedpatiowitha romanticfire
pit.($75andup,lavenderseabandb.com)
Highlands
Inn
TheHighlandsInnin Bethlehem
is the
onlylesbian-exclusive
resortin New
Hampshire.
It hasbeenoperatingas an
innfor 125yearsandincludesa main
housewith 13 rooms,a farmhousewith
five roomsanda secluded
cottage.The107acres
of groundsfeaturehiking
trails,an outdoorpooland
two hottubs.Thecommon
MountainLaurelBed-and-Breakfast areasincludea cozyliving
Nestledin the mountainsof North
roomwith a fireplaceanda librarywith
Carolina,
the MountainLaurelBed-and- an extensivecollectionof booksand
Breakfastcaters gayandlesbianDVDs.($11Oandup,
specificallyto
highlandsinn-nh.com)
gayandlesbiantravelers.
BywaterBed-and-Breakfast
Innkeeper
Lyssa Innkeepers
MartiBurtandBetty-Carol
Crossbuiltthe
Sellenprovethat it is possibleto find
three-roominn
a privateretreatin the heartof the Big
in 1989.The13-acrepropertyis located Easy.TheBywaterBed-and-Breakfast
in
in a secludedcovewith spectacular
NewOrleansis a doubleshotgun-style
viewsof the surroundingmountains.
homein a historicresidentialdistrict
Spendthe afternoonwanderingthrough popularwith queers,just a milefrom
the shopsandgalleriesin Asheville
the FrenchQuarter.Eachof the four
andthe eveningsoakingin the hot
roomshasa differenttheme.TheMardi
tub beneaththe stars.TheMountain
Grasroomis decoratedwith beadsand
LaurelBed-and-Breakfast
is knownfor
MardiGrasfigureswhileSam'sRoomis
its gourmetbreakfasts,
whichinclude
filledwith workby NorthCarolinaartist
favoriteslike blueberrypancakes,
eggs
SamMcMillan.Theentirehouse,includBenedictandpecanwaffles.($80and
ingthe commonrooms,is filled with
up,mountainlaurelbnb.com)
antiqueandfolk art fromthroughoutthe
Just Between GirlzSouth.Thedoublefrontparlorhasa comfortablesittingareafilledwith booksaboutNew
OrleansandCDsof Louisianamusic.Onthe
backporch,a swingbeckonsgueststo relaxa
whilebeforeventuringintothe city.($65and
up,bywaterbnb.com)
Innat CookStreet
TheInnat CookStreethas
a colorfulpast,andoneof
its claimsto fameis that
the PulitzerPrize-winning
authorMichaelCunningham
reputedlyfinishedhis
celebratednovelHomeat the Endof the World
whilestayingat the inn.The1836Greek
Revivalin Provincetown,
Mass.,hasbeen
lovinglyrestoredandfilledwith a combination of antiquesandcontemporary
piecesby
innkeepersLisaFeistelandDoreenBirdsell.It
hasfour guestroomsin the mainhouse,two
two-bedroomapartmentsandtwo cottages,
all set amongprivategardens.($115andup,
innatcookstreet.com)
SeaWitchManorInnand
Spa,Bewitched
B&Band
BEDazzled
B&B
Popculturefanswill love
this trio of propertiesin
Rehoboth
Beach,Del.
TheSeaWitchManor
Inn,BewitchedB&BandBEDazzled
B&Bare
locatedside-by-side,
just blocksfromthe
ocean.PartnersInezConover
andKathleen
Baileypurchased
the SeaWitchManorInn,a
7,000-square-foot
bed-and-breakfast
with five
rooms,in 2000.Oneyearlater,theypurchased
Bewitched,
a seven-bedroom
innwith eachof
the roomsdecoratedfor a specificcharacter
in theTVseries.Thecouplealsopurchased
BEDazzled
in 2001,decoratingeachof its
five roomsto reflecta Hollywood
legendlike
MarilynMonroeandBetteDavis.($99andup,
seawitchmanor.com)
NewnhamSuncatcher
Inn
TheNewnham
Suncatcher
Innhasearned
a reputationas oneof the premierinnsfor
same-sexfamilieswith children.Innkeepers
CannaCounbyInn Bed-and-Breakfast
BarbWishonandNancyParkerpurchased
the inn,whichwasbuiltin the early1900s,
In the 1840s,the classicSweitzerbarnthat
almosttwo decadesagoandturnedit into
housesthe CannaCountryInnBed-andMich.
Breakfastwasusedas a provisionalresidence a family-friendlyoasisin Saugatuck,
Theclapboardhousehascharminggingerfor Franciscan
friars.Thehistoricstoneand
breaddetailsanda largewraparound
porch
woodbuildinglocatedin Etters,Penn.,was
with a porchswing.Inside,the inn haseight
convertedto a bed-and-breakfast
in 1985.
Innkeepers
JuneFisherandStephanie
Snyder roomsandsuites,as well as a two-bedroom
cottage,eachfilled with whimsicaltouches
havetransformedit intoa rusticgetawayset
areas
onthreepartiallywoodedacres.Thebed-and- likestuffedanimalsandtoys.Common
likethe sittingroomandcountrykitchenoffer
breakfasthasfive bedroomsanda twoadditionalplacesfor familiesto gather.Located
bedroomsuite.Theoversizelivinganddining
roomsarepopulargatheringspacesfor guests just blocksfromthe banksof LakeMichigan
andthe shopsandrestaurants
in downtown
andincludefeatureslike exposedbeams,a
Saugatuck,
the Newnham
Suncatcher
Innalso
massivefireplaceandmodernamenitieslike
a TV,DVDplayerandInternetaccess.($69and offersa secludedbackyardwith a swimming
pool,a spaandplentyof chaiseloungesfor
up,cannainnbandb.com)
relaxing.($85andup,suncatcherinn.com)
Pearl'sRainbow
A formercigarfactoryhasbecomethe hottest
lesbian-only
resortin KeyWest,Fla.Pearl's
Rainbowopenedin 2000andfeatures38
roomsthat rangefromcozyattic roomswith
slopedceilingsto an oversizetwo-bedroom
apartment.
Theresorthastwo poolsandtwo
hottubsas well as largesundeckswhere
clothingis optional.AnonsitepatiobarPearl'sPatio-is the onlywomen-onlybarin
KeyWest.Thepropertyis alsojust stepsfrom
the oceanandthe maincommercialstreetin
KeyWest.($99andup,pearlsrainbow.com)
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A
Sin City isn't
just for singles.
ByJennifer Corday
newlyweds' getaway with an 8-foot rotating bed, a mirrored
ceiling, a stripper pole and shadow dancer projector. The
I II I Palms offers a spectacular view from the Ghostbar on the
1111111 55th floor-its open-air deck gives you an amazing 180-degree look at the neon lights of the strip. The resort's dining
UHH! options are equally extraordinary but my favorite thing about
·: :: :: ::
the Palms is its in-house tattoo parlor, Hart & Huntington
Tattoo Company. Stop in with your woman and get some ink
to commemorate your nuptials. The rooms are huge, with
giant TVs, and the pools are outstanding. The Stratosphere
is older but I like to visit the Top of the World for dinner or
drinks. The restaurant is located at the top of the building,
more than 800 feet above the city, and rotates 360 degrees
once every hour and 20 minutes, giving you a slow panoramWELCOME TO THE proud capital of drinking, gambling, stripping and delicious debauchery. But don't be too
ic view of all the twinkling lights.
quick to stereotype Sin City. In fact, for lesbian couples, Las
Spend your days shopping, sightseeing or sunning at
one of the many incredible hotel pools. Mandalay Bay has
Vegas is one of the most romantic honeymoon places in the
world. With over 93,000 marriage licenses issued last year in a beach-like wave machine, and the Golden Nugget "tank"
the metro area, Vegas is one of the highest-ranking romance
lets you swim with the sharks. Shop till you drop at huge
indoor malls inside Caesar's, Bellagio and the Wynn. Or if
destinations in the United States-and that doesn't include
the scores of non-legal lesbian unions. With an overwhelmyou'd like to get away from it all, take a scenic drive through
ing number of hotels, restaurants, shops, casinos and shows,
the Valley of Fire State Park and Red Rock Canyon-two
you can plan the perfect action-packed honeymoon.
extraordinary sites akin to the Grand Canyon in majesty. You
High-rolling honeymooners should consider the Paris,
can make the drive yourself or hire a limo to drive you out
Bellagio or Venetian. Brand new at the Venetian is the
through the ranger's gate.
Palazzo, its third hotel and a top-notch choice for sure.
When you're ready for some nightlife, you have a myriThe Venetian looks like Venice inside, and you can stroll
ad of choices, including a fabulous Vegas show. Cirque du
through the corridors to shop, or take a romantic gondola
Soleil's Zumanity gets rave reviews and is guaranteed to wow
ride through the canals. My gondoliers were gay-friendly and
you with some Sapphic spectacle. Or check out MGM's
encouraged kissing under the bridges. They even sang to us. Crazy Horse Paris, billed as "a celebration of the artistry
The Bellagio is equally upscale-the fountains, are synchroof the nude:' The cabaret features beautiful female dancers
nized to music and go on every few hours. Inside the Bellagio, whose near-nude bodies become canvases upon which colenjoy a walk through the conservatory, holding hands to view ored lights and images are projected. LeReve at the Wynn is
rare and beautiful plants, trees and flowers. If you are ready
another show to consider-live music accompanies provocafor dessert, bring your girl to the chocolate shop and see the
tive acrobatics in an "intimate aqua theater-in-the-round:'
chocolate waterfalls.
After the shows, it's time to hit the clubs and bars. Think
Nothing, however, is more romantic than kissing in Paris. of it as a belated bachelorette party-for
two. The young
Take her to the Eiffel Tower (modeled to scale after the real and beautiful love the Pussycat Dolls Lounge at Caesar's, the
one) for a kiss, or enjoy dinner at the restaurant halfway up, Playboy Club at the Palms and the Voodoo Lounge at the
which has a great view of the Bellagio fountains. Or better yet, top of the Rio. You will have to mingle with the straight folks,
make it all the way to the top for your Vegas nuptials, a popular
though, so if you'd like to be exclusive, head to CandyBar on
place for lesbians to take the plunge. Inside Paris, a cobblestone
a Saturday night. Hosted by sexy DJ Lisa Pittman at Krave,
street scene offers up a great bistro, a steak house, boutiques
this is the hottest lesbian dance party around. Things start
and the must-visit Mandara Spa (where many a newlywed has hopping at around 11 p.m. when the go-go dancers take the
bonded over the Paris is for Lovers treatment).
stage. You will be pleased, trust me.
The Palms has a younger, hipper, MTV vibe and has beVegas never closes, so you can party all night or get back to
come a celebrity hotspot. The 40-story Fantasy Tower offers your suite for some one-on-one entertainment in your own
gorgeous Fantasy Suites, including the Erotic Suite, a real rotating bed. Viva Las Vegas! ■
,,,,,,,
"""'
52 I curve
Anunexpectedgetawaywill
light your fire. By Aefa Mulholland
YUKON GOLD
VISUALIZE THE northern lights dancing across
the sky, spectacular scenery all around and so much
space that it feels like there are only the two of you
in the world, then consider making Yukon your thrillingly romantic, and off beat honeymoon destination.
Yukon, or the Yukon Territory as it used to be known, is
perched at the top-left-hand corner of Canada: a vast area
considerably bigger than California with a tiny population of
less than 34,000. There's a small but active lesbian and gay
community in the capital, Whitehorse, the town where gender-bending writer Ivan E. Coyote, author of Bow Grip and
contributor to anthologies such as BoysLike Her, hails from.
It's hard to imagine that only 100 years ago fortune hunters
stampeded all over the area during the Klondike Gold Rush.
If YOUGO
BombayPeggy'sInn& Pub:LGBTwelcoming,woman-run,smoke-free
B&Bsituatedin a formerbrothelin
centralDawsonCity.($79andup,
bombaypeggys.com)
Casey'sB&B:LGBT-welcoming,
woman-run,three-roomB&Bwith a
hot tub and greatfood in downtown
Whitehorse.($88and up,caseybandb.com)
Whitehouse
Cabins:Sevenrooms
in historicbuildingsoverlookingthe
YukonRiverin downtownDawsonCity.
LGBT-friendly.
($99andup,whitehousecabins.com)
YukonForestCabins:LGBTfriendlycabins,20 minutessouthof
Whitehorse.
($145andup,yukonforestcabins.com)
54
Icurve
DawsonMusicFestival:Mid-July
in DawsonCity(dcmf.com)
YukonInternational
Storytelling
Festival:Octoberin Whitehorse
(storytelling.
yk.net)
FrostbiteMusicFestival:MidFebruaryin Whitehorse
(frostbitefest.ca)
NorthernLightsCentre:InWatson
Lake(northernlightscentre.ca)
TakhiniHotSprings:In Whitehorse
(takhinihotsprings.com)
YukonWildlifePreserve:
In
Whitehorse(yukonwildlife.ca)
YukonPrideAdventure
Tours:
InWhitehorse
(yukonpride.com)
Now, the pristine wilderness is the prime draw in the Land
of the Midnight Sun. Whether you want to hike, canoe, wander
through forests, watch wildlife or cozy up in a cabin and know
that you're miles away from everything, Canada's second-leastpopulated territory (in human terms) is an ideal destination.
Some of Yukon's most spectacular scenery is protected in
its three National Parks: Kluane National Park and Reserve,
Vuntut National Park and lvvavik National Park. Kluane, in
the southwestern corner of the territory, is a United Nations
World Heritage Site and the site of Canada's highest peak,
Mount Logan. At nearly 20,000 feet, Logan towers above glaciers and the world's largest nonpolar ice fields. In Vuntut and
lvvavik, porcupine caribou herds have their calving grounds
and over half a million migratory birds flock to the wetlands.
These two parks are just as stunning as Kluane, but much
more remote.
If you really want those heady honeymoon days to never
end, plan your postnuptial adventures for a Yukon summer,
when daylight is almost continuous for three months and
temperatures average in the mid 60s. Winters in this subarctic wonderland are long and dark, with almost three months
when the sun doesn't get much of a chance to shine and temperatures can drop to -60° F.Although temperatures drop to
these shocking depths, there's a reason people choose to brave
the snow and ice: The long cold months are the best ones to
see the aurora borealis. If you're determined to see the lights at
their brightest, plan to visit during the new moon, between late
August and mid-April. In the summer, skies are too bright to
see the lights, even at times when solar wind activity, the phenomenon that creates the light show, is strong. It's a good idea
to stay for as many days as possible to have the best chance
of seeing the northern lights. Sightings are not guaranteed.
Once there, you can check aurora activity forecasts.
If that all sounds a bit too chilly,Yukon also has some warmer attractions, the most famous being Takhini Hot Springs.
The natural, odorless pools are 20 miles north of Whitehorse,
with a campground, walking and equestrian trails, a climbing wall and a zip line for those times when you aren't in the
mood for a dip. Nearby, the Yukon Wildlife Preserve offers
up close encounters with local creatures including elk, wood
bison, musk oxen, mule deer, mountain goats, woodland caribou, moose and mountain sheep, all in their natural habitat.
Plenty of outfitters and guides cater to outdoor enthusiasts, whether your passion is canoeing, kayaking, hiking,
snowmobiling, ice climbing or dog sledding, but for a lesbianspecific trip, Whitehorse's Yukon Pride offers an enticing slew
of packages. Its custom adventures range over the whole territory, from aurora borealis viewing and dog sledding out of i
Whitehorse in the south, to rugged odysseys to the far, far
north, above the 60th parallel.
ffi
Whichever part of the territory appeals to you, Yukon is a ~
:::E
thrilling place to start an adventurous life together. ■
a.:
i
REASON
By Karen
Loftus
CANADA IS still the go,to country for affordable getaways,
with plenty to offer-from resorts to Rockies-and several
cosmopolitan cities where Pride can be celebrated on a daily
basis, not just at a festival. Here's a sneak peek at 10 blissful ways
to spend your day in our favorite Canadian oasis, Toronto.
1. It's Easy.Toronto was the first place in Canada where gay
marriage was legalized. It's a historic spot to honeymoon or
do the big I Do. It's as easy as obtaining a marriage license,
which will cost you a mere $106. If you want someone to hold
your hand while you hold your soon,co,be spouse's, the gay
wedding planner I Do Toronto will take care of all the details,
from the photog, to the stylist, the champagne and reception,
even your attire.
2.Greatgayborhoods.
The
Gay Village, Canada's
largest gay commu,
nity, is centered in the
Church and Wellesley
District (where Queeras Folkwas filmed). The Village has an
array of gay-owned restaurants, bars and gay,themed shops,
and is home to Toronto's Pride. Queen Street West is a trendy
strip filled with funky shops, eclectic cafes, clubs and home de,
cor stores, while Leslieville shares Queen Street's urban edge,
with its many new restos, cafes and greasy spoons.
3. Youcangetold-school
artsy.The city is teaming with great
galleries and museums. Take a break from the bedroom in
order to visit the Royal Ontario Museum. With over 6 mil,
lion objects, it's a world,cultural gallery that can transport you
almost anywhere on the planet.
4. Occasions
abound.If you're saving cash and want to make
the 'moon a two,for, Canada is known for its bevy of fests.
Toronto's International Film Festival is one of the world's
top three, alongside Cannes and Venice. For the musically in,
dined, there is the summer jazz fest, and for those in search of
theatrics,June's annual Luminato is a must. One of Toronto's
biggest arts and cultural fests and one of the biggest Pride
(/) celebrations worldwide, Toronto Pride is another great two,
~ for-a 10,day fest full of parties, panels, and a parade.
zw
a:
~
5. Exquisite,
exoticedibles.From simple to sublime, Toronto
has great restaurants. There are several neighborhoods where
the cuisine reflects the culture, from Little Italy to Chinatown
and Greektown, and inspired spots citywide. A few of my
faves include famed chef Jamie Kennedy's Wine Bar, which
has small plates with big tastes. Try the charcuterie plate of
terrine and pate or the flatbreads with three dips-insanely
good. One Restaurant at the Hazelton Hotel in Yorkville is
elegantly sexy and makes a perfect mojito. Try the burrata
cheese with summer truffles, garlic and balsamic.
6.Youcanpophercork,inmorethanoneway. It's a quick trip to
Ontario's wine country, especially Niagara on the Lake's Pellar
Estate, where the scenery is stunning. You can go on a wine
tour, have a tasting in the shop or enjoy a leisurely lunch in the
award-winning restaurant, where each
course is brilliantly paired.
7. Youcan buyher something
sexyfor
the weddingnight.There are a ton
of chic boutiques, but if she's into
' vintage your best bet is Kensington
Market. Courage My Love is the star
of the street-the owner's a local his,
torian and quite the character-where prices cant be beat.
Pack an extra case. It's well worth the extra baggage fees.
8. Thereare options,if youreallydo wantto sleep.There are
plenty of places to get bed head in Toronto, including the
effortlessly stylish Four Seasons in Yorkeville, popular with
the celeb set, or the boutique Cosmopolitan Toronto Hotel
(their Shizen Spa is a great place to slip away for the day).
The Soho Cosmopolitan has the Senses Restaurant, which
specializes in local ingredients, and Queen Street West boasts
the Drake-a great place to get, and feel, lucky.
9. It'sthenewTribeca.
The Distillery district is a national his,
toric site dating back to 1832. Modern muscle and money
were recently pumped in, so today it has an Old,meets,New
,world feel. This warehouse district,like neighborhood has
several galleries, coffee shops and restaurants. Pure Spirits
Oyster House and Grill has a great brunch and hot staff. At
Mill Street Brew Pub you can dine with your canine. Finish
up with a decadent treat from Soma, a chocolate maker, then
wash it all down with a coffee at the super,sexy Balzac's cafe.
10. It's tradition,too. Niagara Falls-the place your grand,
parents went to wed-is less than two hours away from
Toronto. Don.'t leave town without seeing it. Hop on Maids
in the Mist, a boat ride that takes you right up to the falls
and supplies you with a giant, condom,like trash bag to keep
you dry. Bring a camera to capture your girl in the moment.
It'll be love at first splash. ■
REVIEWSMusic Watch
AcousticAlchem
Go indie and down home with this month's picks. By Margaret Coble
BentCircuit,WhenGirls
Collide{CrushRecords):
Psychobilly
is a hardgenre
to define.Is it pop?Folk?
lndierockat its weirdest?
LCMessinger
of WhenGirls
Collidehasbeensmashing
soundstogethersinceher
dayswith Unknown
Gender,
andhermusicalprowesshas
progressed
impressively
since
the mid-'80s.If forcedto
describeWhenGirlsCollide's
sound,onemightimagine
robotsat a hoedown,
or,more
specifically,
girl robotsdoing
a do-si-do.BentCircuitis the
auralequivalent
of Hunter
S.Thompson's
Fearand
Loathingin LasVegas.
Songs
like"Die"boastaddictive
electronicbeatssetto a country swagger,
andMessinger's
hauntingly
seductive
vocals
seepintoyoureardrums,
leavingyourheadbobbing.
Anincredible
albumfroma
veteranmusician,BentCircuit
embodies
the lyricsof itsthird
track,"Lady":"Timemoves
on/people
change."At least
in thiscase,changeis a good
thing.[Ainsley
Drew]
56
Icurve
Whether it has six members, three or two, an acoustic-based group like the Figs, Po' Girl or Indigo Girls
represents the special connection between women
who collaborate musically.
Deerin theNight,Po'Girl(selfreleased):Recorded in Austin,
Texas, this fifth album by the
eternally touring Canadian urban
roots troubadours Allison Russell
WhatKeepsMeUpatNight,TheFigs(self-released):and Awna Teixeira exhibits an
exquisit maturity that exceeds
Sounding more like they hail from the Appalachians
than from Acadiana, this female sextet from Lafayette, their past efforts. Their hypnotic blend of front-porch blues,
La., featuring Claire Caffery, Sarah Gray, Caroline
Helm, Jillian Johnson, Paige Pemberton and Melissa Western twang, foot-shuffiingjazz, Acadian folk and
Stevenson, plays thoroughly modern old-timey music traditional country and bluegrass is distilled into a
timeless, melancholy soundscape to accompany their
that is a blend of folk, country, bluegrass, Americana,
rockabilly,jazz and blues with sweet vocal harmonies
rich, at times ethereal, harmonies. From the bicycle
and infectious melodies. This sophomore CD will bell ringing in the tide track to the Eastern-flavored
hook you instantly if the roots spectrum of music is accordion and clarinet combo in "Gandy Dancer;'
your thing-from the lilting, twangy "The Letter" to their textured sound is an instrumental smorgasbord,
the more rollicking "So It Goes" and the more tradi- providing the perfect backdrop for Russell's distinctional bluegrass wailer"Ruby Don't CrY:'My favorites tive enunciation and soulful vocals. Despite assistance
include the finger-pickin' and vocal fun of'Fly Around
from multi-instrumentalist Benny Sidelinger-the
My Pretty Little Miss"-an interesting reworking of new third member of the band-and a whole host of
a Built to Spill song-and the tongue-in-cheek, har- special guests on this album, the magic of Po' Girl lies
monica-filled country ballad "Guns:' If you ever have in Russell and Teixeira, two kindred spirits and true
the chance, go see them live. They're a lot of fun.
musical gypsies.
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Q+A
Laura Lee Schultz
Down the Lees is the most recent musical project of Laura Lee ("LL') Schultz, the
Vancouver-based musician, singer-songwriter, and producer. Previously, Schultis
all-female band Queazy pierced national success with their first album, Hurk, while her
shows with the Skinjobs defined the term
"queercore" to many who would never forget
it. An alt-folk-punk standby for more than
a decade, Schultz pulls off wearing all these
hats at once to great effect in Down the Lees'
newest, The Guest Room. Her secret: great
knob twiddling.
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twiddler. [Laughs]
Howareyounavigating
beinga queer
musician?
You'veexplored
a lotof musicalgenres.
Howhasyoursoundevolvedsincethe
early'90s?
Poseidonand the Bitter Bug, Indigo
Girls(IGNanguard):
Coming full circle
Other Licks
I came up with it a long time ago. My friends
call me LL. And it's kind of a running joke.
LL CoolJ .. .ladies love LL.
~
I can really screw with
it. Make it feel like it's
part of me-so it's not
just something in a
box. And twiddle the
knobs-I love to twiddle knobs. I'm a knob
So, [being in the Skinjobs] was, like, a complete 180 from what I was doing in previous
bands where it wasn't talked about at all. I
How doesthe electronicelementmesh mean, that was the mid-'90s and, you know,
withtheD.I.Y.soundyourmusichas?
being gay wasn't as cool as it is now. [Laughs]
I think the D.I.Y. aesthetic is, for me ... the
I will not shy away from questions, but I don't
actual songwriting and the lyric writing. And
want to use my music ... as a political platform
because I'm an emotional writer, I feel that's, because it's all about my heart and my relationlike, the core of what it is, and then [I add]
ships. I know there are a lot of people who say
the electronic aspect to it after. I learned how
the political is personal, the personal is politito actually build synthesizers-not
hardcal. But for me, it's the music. It's always been
ware, but software synthesizers. So it's, like, the music. [Andrea
Millar]
It's a greatnameforthestage.Anyother
meanings
there?
~
Well, since I'm taking the
helm. I find that I have been
putting a lot more emphasis on the engineering of it.
So ... it's getting to be a little
bit more electronic, whereas,
[with] my previous bands,
the Skinjobs and Queazy, it was all, you know,
bass, guitar, drums. So, I just decided to bring
in the electronic elements and it seems to fit
more to my personality .. .it's more me, in that
there's so many different aspects of me. That's
why it kind of sounds like a mix tape.
since their 1987 debut self-released album Strange Fire, Indigo Girls Amy Ray
and Emily Saliers are indie again, all the
way. Dropped by their last major label,
Hollywood Records, the girls offer up a
double-disc set this time around on their
own imprint, IG Recordings-the
first,
a full-band version of the album, and the
second, an acoustic version that includes
one new song, "Salty South:' Personally,
I prefer the acoustic set, not just because
of the simplicity of its sound and production, but also because of the song orderit just seems to flow better. But the fullband set is also delightful to listen to, with
crisp, not-too-heavyhanded production
on hallmarks like Saliers' "Love of Our
Lives" and Ray's "Sugar Tongue;' though
I prefer Ray's solo treatment of "Driver
Education'' better than the one featured
here. As always, their guitar interplay is
captivating, and their vocal harmonies still
give me goosebumps. Amy and Emily have
outlasted many of their peers in the music
industry, and relevant-as-ever 11th studio
album proves why. ■
_
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SafeTripHome
Dido
{Arista)
Metamorphosis
Maysa
{Shanachie)
Thethirdstudiodisc
fromthe BritishSOUi-'
popdivais anelegant
collectionof mostly
sadsongsthemed
aroundthe 2006death
of herfather.Whilenot
musicallyadventurous,it's still a pleasant
listen,impeccably
produced
andpaced,
withthesingle"Don't
Believein Love"
alreadya hit.(didomusic.com)
Underground
multigenrequeenMaysa
shinesonthis solo
effortthatthrusts
heruniquevocals
to theforefrontover
hip-swaying
rhythms.
TheBrazilian-flavored
"Simpatico"
andthe
epic"Let'sFigureIt Out
(Songfor Bluey)"catch
myearthe most,
whilethe scat-fest"A
Conversation
Withthe
Universe"
provesshe's
notafraidto takerisks.
(maysa.com)
LookBothWays
BeforeYouDie
TeamSmileandNod
{Thinkroot)
Re:Generations
NatKingColeand
VariousArtists
{Capitol/EM
I)
Inthe longlistof
It'shardto resist
remixprojectstackling
something
billedas
this
"lesbian-fronted
electro oldermaterial,
onestandsout.New
anti-folk,"isn'tit?The
of Cole's
interesting
combination interpreters
velvetyclassicsinclude
of politically
charged
Gee-Lo,
Will.I.Am,
Cut
vocalswithdanceChemist,
Brazilian
Girls,
ableelectronic
beats
theRootsandlV onthe
offeredupbytheduo
KaraSherman
andRich Radio.Michaelangelo
Ratvasky
worksparL'Acqua's
bossanova
ticularlywellonclubby treatmentof "Brazilian
cutslike"StillStuck,"
LoveSong"featuring
works
andhumorous
diatribes BebelGilberto
like"Consumer
Whore." for me.(natking(teamsmileandnod.com)
cole.com)
April 2009
I 57
REVIEWSIn The Stacks
Thrillin Reads
Crank up the passion and the mystery this month. By Rachel Pepper
TheFirstPerson
andOther
Stories,
Ali Smith(Pantheon
Books):WhenI discovered
outScottishauthorAliSmith
I wasflooredbythewayshe
usedlanguage
so preciselyhersentences
wererazor
sharp,cuttingtheirmeaning
outexactlyassheintended.
Herlatestbookof stories
hasallthesameprecision,
butgoesmuchdeeper.
Few
writerscanslipinsidethe
reader'smindandtell stories
thatseemsofamiliar,they're
likememories.
In TheFirst
Person,
Smithdoesthisin a
waythatseemseffortless.
Thestoriesareincredibly
selfconscious,
asthetitle story
suggests,
butSmithwrites
themwitha playfulspirit,so
thereis noneof thetedium
yougetin otherself-reflective
postmodern
works.These
storiesareawareof their
ownformandthoughtfulin a
good-natured
way.Theyare
compelling
because
theyoffer
a hintof behind-the-scenes
actionwithoutstrayingtoofar
awayfromnarrative.
Through
it all,Smith'scharacters
pull
youin andmakeyouwonder
howyoucouldhavethought
anythingdifferent.
[RachelBeebe]
ss Icurve
Placement of Modifiers;' with its haughty, naughty
Professor Chalkdust, a character readers will surely
want to see more of in the future. Well-schooled in
the art of discipline, Professor Chalkdust implores
BestLesbianErotica2009,ed. TristanTaormino, her newest private student to consider this: "There is
selectedby JoanLarkin(CleisPress):It's the end a grammar of physical experience just as there is a
of an era as Tristan Taormino wraps up her stint as grammar of language, Bernie. Giving and accepting
editor of the Best Lesbian Erotica series, which she the right sensation at the right time is as fine an art as
premiered back in 1995. Since the time of its humble
the effective placement of a modifier beside the word
beginnings, this series has spawned many imitators
it serves ... If you take your discipline well, you'll love
and spinoffs, and Taormino has emerged as one of the reward ... " Other standouts include "The Virgin
our country's experts in all things sexual. She's now of G;' by Jean Casse, where a woman has a vision of
ready to hand this series off to Kathleen Warnock,
the Virgin of Guadalupe in her lover's vagina, and
who will coordinate it with a rotating band of story Zaedryn Meade's sexy pickup story, "The Diner on
selectors. This year, the poet Joan Larkin selected the the Corner:'
stories; writers in past years have included Cheryl
Clarke, Emma Donoghue and Michelle Tea. With
Generation
Loss,Elizabeth
Hand
13 volumes of this series published, it's been inter(HarcourtHarvest):Eschewing
esting over the years to see how trends in sex writ- the ordinary Gothic mysticism
ing come and go, and also what delightful surprises
and science fiction-fantasy elepop up in each year's collection. This year, the trend
ments of many of her earlier
seems to be toward stories involving academic confer- books, like the James Tiptree Jr.
ences, or at least academics, as well as mistresses and Award-winning Waking the Moon,
submissives and, in some cases, academic mistresses
Elizabeth Hand nevertheless ereand their submissives. The best of this lot, and also ates a dark, moody fable in Generation Loss. Told by
the collection's funniest story, is Jean Roberta's "The bisexual photographer Cass Neary, a tattooed punkReaders will find excitement aplenty in the latest
annual offering of erotica and an atmospheric thriller
featuring a bisexual photographer.
6z
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era holdout and alcoholic drug addict best
known for her collection of photos of dead
junkies, GenerationLoss picks Cass up from
the squalid comforts of the East Village in
New York City and tosses her onto an island
off the coast of Maine with just her wits to
defend hersel£ There, sent on a magazine assignment to interview the aged and elusive
photographer Aphrodite Kamestos, Neary
befriends the begrudging locals, falls for the
craggy, wind-swept wilderness, contemplates
addiction and art and cunningly investigates
a longstanding island mystery. Redemption
comes to Cass in strange, small ways and, after tracking a predator and freeing his teenage captive, she realizes that a rough-edged
mis.fit like her could possibly find a home
on the island. Hand is a skilled writer and
a well-practiced one, and her atmospheric
descriptions of photography, the New York
City art world and the desolate northern island Cass visits are all spot on. If you're not
already familiar with Elizabeth Hand, and
her many award-winning novels, short stories and TV series, GenerationLoss is a good
way to acquaint yourself with this talented
LGBT-leaning author. ■
~ THECONCUBINE
OF
SHANGHAI,
HongYing
(marionboyars.co.uk):
Eroticameetssexualslavery.
MoveoverAmyTan.
~ IN THEBLOOD,
RickReed(regalcrest.
biz):Horrificvisions.Lesbian
vampires.
What'snotto love?
~ COOPER'S
DEAL,Kl Thompson
(bold-
strokebooks.com):
Spacecraft
debris,
Russian
brides,lesbianlovers?Ohmy.
~ THEGLASS
DEVIL,HeleneTursten
(sohopress.com):
Threemurders,
possibleSatanists
anda femaledetective.
~ BESTDATEEVER,
ed.Linda
Cu
(.)
Date.
e,4!,\
): lirue C\3t.bL
Alvarez(aIyson.com
m, """'
lesbianstories.'Nuffsaid.
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BEHIND
THEMASK,
LesleyDavis(boldstrokesbooks.com):
Intergalactic
lesbiansdefyauthorityin out
of thisworldlovestory.[DianeAndersonMinshall& AinsleyDrew]
Q+A
Cooper Lawrence
Cooper Lawrence isn't just an overachiever,
she writes about overachieving, too. The
sensational and scintillating radio host,
television mainstay and author has penned
five renowned books, including The Cult of
Peifectionand her most recent, The Cult of
Celebrity,which tackles pop culture obsession. When she's not hosting The Cooper
Lawrence Show on Dial Global or guesting
on VHl's Confessionsof a Teen Idol, she's
gearing up to spearhead her own TV show.
success and power as a result of what they
look like, so there is a risk they will start to
believe that having that perfect body is the
Whichcamefirst,yourinterestin psyonly way to get all those desirable things.
chology
or yourinterestin popculture? Just be aware of this and think about how
I first became interested in psychology in you feel after you see these images.
college at the University of Maryland, since
Howdoesthelesbian"cultof celebrity,"
they have such a strong psych program, but
as cultivated
byshowslike TheL Word,
professionally I was in radio for many, many
andrelationships
likeEllenDeGeneres
years and writing for CosmoGirlmagazine
andPortiade Rossi's,
affectlesbian
before I even entertained the idea of going culture,orAmerican
culturein general?
back to school to get a Ph.D.
The fact that stars as big as Ellen and Portia
Howdidyoufigureoutthatunitingthe
have publicly donned the moniker "lesbian"
twowouldworksowell?
not only softens public attitudes, it also
I was working at a radio station with a reflects how public attitudes are softening.
large young female audience in New York Not too long ago a star would be in great
and when I spoke with our listeners ...
fear that coming out would threaten their
the questions ranged from body image to
career, relationships with their families and
celebrity worship, and the girls seemed
their fans.
depressed. This led me to believe [that]
WhataboutLindsay
Lohanand
if they were coming to a radio DJ to talk
Samantha
Ronson?
Aretabloid-frenzied
about this kind of stuff, then they didn't
same-sex
couplings
a positive
or negahave anywhere to turn, and why was that?
tivethingfortheLGBTcommunity?
Positive [in] that it's being covered as
The theme also seemed to be celebritydriven: "I want a body like so-and-so but
opposed to being ignored. Wasn't this
Harvey Milk's whole point? That commy parents won't let me get surgery; how
do I convince them?" Shocking questions
ing out publicly is the duty of the LGBT
like that. I thought that if I knew what was population to show the fear mongers and
the homophobes that gays and lesbians
really going on with these girls, I could help
are all around them and deserve to be
them, not as a DJ but maybe as a psycholotreated equally?
gist. My specialty in grad school was adoa portionof thesales
lescent girls and the influence media has on You'redonating
fromTheCultof Celebrityto Angelona
their self-worth.
Howshouldyoungpeople-especially
women-handlethecelebrityworship
thatcomeswithtabloidcultureand
realityTV?
I talk about this extensively in my book,
explaining that girls who are constantly presented with celebrity-perfect bodies in the
media, on TV and elsewhere see that those
women receive love, admiration, glamour,
Leash.Tellmeaboutthat.
Angel on a Leash is a charity of the
Westminster Kennel Club that champions working with therapy dogs in healthcare facilities. When you see firsthand how
a therapy dog can change a sick child's
life, you realize that a dog has the power
to help simplify a complicated situation.
[Ainsley
Drew]
~
April 2009
I59
REVIEWSSapphic Screen
Unhin
Closets
Community takes center stage this month. By Candace Moore
MOTHER
KNOWS
BEST
Thetwofunniestqueerfilms
outrightnowaren'texactly
whatyou'dcalllesbian,butno
doubtmanydykes-especially moms-will loveReady?
OK!(nowon DVDat Wolfe
Video)andBreakfast
With
Scot(playingon here!TV).In
Ready?,
singlemomAndreais
struggling
to understand
her
preteensonJosh'sobsessionwithdolls,dressesand
cheerleading.
Josh(played
bytheadorable
LuriePoston)
is finewithwhoheis,and In these two touching films, queer heroes improve
Mom(withhelpfroma gay their communities, themselves and others.
neighbor)
hasto learnhowto
letJoshbreakallthegender Milk (Focus/Universal):
Gus Van Sant's biopic of
rulestheworldhasin store San Francisco's slain supervisor Harvey Milk interfor him.In BreakfastWith sperses a hand-held, grainy look with televised
Scot,Eric(apitch-perfect
role
footage and a meditative steadicam. This mixing of
forTomCavanagh
fromEli
aesthetics works to evocatively capture Milk's private
Stone),
a gaybutoh-so-butch
life and public speeches, along with the elan of queer
formerhockeyplayer,andhis
parties, the righteous anger of civil rights marches
partnerbecameparentsto a
veryflamboyant
youngboy and the macho violence of police brutality in the
andstruggle-in thefunniest Castro district of 1970s San Francisco. Offering a
waypossible-to"straighten" nostalgic elegy to the first gay man elected to public
himout.Inthe process,
Eric office, Van Sant ends his film with documents of the
learnsa lotabouthimself.
real Harvey Milk and his team of activists. These
Bothmoviesarehilariously
serve as proof of Van Sant's own meticulousness in
heartwarming,
feel-goodcommatching the spirit of the characters and the times.
ediesthataresweetbut
The
film focuses on Milk's rise to power, his optineversaccharine.
[Diane
Anderson-Minshall] mism and political fervor and his assassination. The
cast is superb: Sean Penn transforms into sparklyeyed Milk, Emile Hirsch makes an adorable Cleve
Jones and we sense Dan White's slow-rising boil,
expertly channeled through Josh Brolin. Admittedly,
Milk congratulates itself a bit for its own project.
60
Icurve
Without taking the film literally as history, we need
to constantly educate ourselves about the past and
archive our own lives as they happen. Every queer
person worth her salt should see this film at least
once.
The WorldUnseen(RegentReleasing):
Shamim
Sarif's '50s period piece reflects on the impossibility of heterosexuals, as well as lesbians, of different
ethnicities loving openly in apartheid-era South
Africa. When Miriam (Lisa Ray), her traditionally
minded husband and their children move to a plot
of land near Cape Town, they encounter Amina
(Sheetal Sheth), an iconoclast who prefers trousers
to dresses. Amina runs the Location Cafe, where
she serves blacks, whites and Indians equally, to the
local authorities' chagrin; the cops constantly come
by to smash something, bully somebody or try to
shut her business down. While Miriam's husband
is out cheating on her, Amina teaches her how to
drive, and how to refuse her husband's domination
without fear. A rich exploration of bigotry of all
kinds, this film puts characters of different belief systerns into dialogue with one another. Sarif' s second
c3'
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Q+A
Margaux Towne-Colley
After their son Grayson's birth, Margaux
Towne~Colley and her partner Donna
searched for children's stories reflecting their
family's lifestyle. They found several books,
including Heather Has Two Mommies, but
weren't satisfied. Where were the children's
TV shows starring LGBT families? They
decided to "take the next step;' as Towne~
Colley puts it, and create one. With help from
collaborators including illustrator Pascale
Lafond, the 3D Magic Factory and Curt
Bright and the String Beans (who composed
a catchy theme song), Buddy G, an adorable
animation that's also educational, starring
Buddy G, his friend Owen, his moms and
his talking gadget, Socrates, was born.
Whatareyourplansforfutureepisodes
of
BuddyG?
We based [the first episode] on our little fam~
ily, our little life.... As we expand, the cast of
characters will expand also, and so we'll have
feature, I Can't Think Straight, which stars the
same actresses, centers on a Palestinian and a
British woman of Indian descent who fall in
love in London. Based on her track record,
Sarif seems particularly astute at intelli~
gently and sweetly portraying lesbian love
in various cultural environments. Her third
film, Despite the Falling Snow, described as
an "epic love story from 1950s Soviet Russia;'
is currently in the planning stages at Sarif's
own Enlightenment Productions. ■
two~dad families and different races.
Didyoufaceanysetbacks
whileworking
onthisproject?
We were working on a pretty tight time~
frame. Other than that, I always tell Donna
that even if it doesn't go anywhere or do any~
thing, it's been such a fun, good adventure for
our family that it was all worthwhile.
Whatchallenges
haveyouandDonna
overcome
as lesbianparents?
When we decided we were going to do this
and we wanted to get pregnant, we were in~
vestigating where to go. A place I'd found out
about was in Kansas City, which is only a
couple of hours from here. When I called to
get some basic information, the woman said,
"What about your husbandt And I said,
"Oh, no, it's not a husband:' And she's like,
'Tm sorry, we can't help you ...we only help
married couples:' It really felt like somebody
had kicked me in the stomach.
Whathasbeentheresponse
to BuddyG?
Whohaveyouheardfrom?
We get just tons of letters, handwritten
notes, email, even a couple of calls from
people-parents
saying how much their
kids like it, even some of the kids liking it.
The only people who have criticized it, that
I can think of, are people in the animation
world. Nothing like a professional company,
just the hobbyists who go online. Bulldog
Books in Australia contacted us and we sent
them 50 DVDs. We've had tons of calls from
Argentina and Italy, and people are wanting
us ... to dub [the episodes].
Arethereplansto televisetheshow?
Some gay and lesbian networks have
expressed a little bit of interest. There's a
chance that it may end up on TV: I don't think
Nickelodeon's going to be calling us. [Kate
Goldsworthy]
Stealth
{WaterBearerFilms)
DriftingFlowers
{WolfeVideo)
Truloved
{here!TV}
SavingMarriage
{here!TV}
Directed
byandstarring
LionelBaier,playinga
character
calledLionel
Baier,
thisquirkySwiss
dramais anextraordinaryfeatof queer
postmodern
navelgazing.
Aftersleeping
withanillegal(female)
Polishaupair,gay
boyLionelsuffersan
early-lifecrisis,leaves
hisboyfriend
anddrives
to Poland
withhissister
intowto uncover
a lost
Polishancestor.
Onefor
theindiefans.
[RachelBeebe]
ZeroChou(Spider
Lilies)bringsanother
triptychof threequeer
vignettesfromdiffering
timeperiods.
A blind
singerfallsin love
with herband'sbutchy
accordion
player,an
olderwomanhasa
greatBFFandanother
struggleswithgender
identityissues.Less
politicalthanIf These
WallsCouldTalk2, but
with enoughoomph
to makeit a multiple
awardwinner.[Diane
Anderson-Minshall]
A teengirl is moved
fromSanFrancisco
to
a conservative
suburb
by herlesbianmoms.
Heronlyfriendship,
witha closetedathlete,
is strainedwhenshe
startsa gay-straight
alliance.Greatcast
includesJaneLynch,
CyndaWilliams,
Alec
Mapa,JasmineGuy
andAlexandra
Paul
andeventhoughRoger
Ebertthoughtit was
implausible,
the queer
14-year-old
I watched
it with lovedit. [DAM]
Asthefirststateto
legalizesame-sex
marriage,Massachusetts
setthe examplefor the
fightfor civilequality
in the UnitedStates.
SavingMarriage
followsthat legislativebattlethrough
thestoriesof several
of the activistswho
helpedwinthe right
to marry.It's a moving
andempowering
film
thatconveys
thefull
measureof whatthat
landmarkdecision
meant.[RB]
April 2009
I61
REVIEWSTech Girl
Gamin
Mail
Tired of video store fees and pesky return dates? By Katie Peoples
Come on, you knew this was coming. Netflix completely redefined the way movie
rentals are distributed, forcing megachains like Blockbuster and Hollywood Video
to reassess their business model. As billions of movies found their way into American
mailboxes, late fees disappeared and return dates were extended at brick and mortar
stores. So it seems only natural that someone would come up with the grand idea of
delivering video games, too.
Through services like GameFly and Gamerang, the gamer dyke can play a slew of
games for an unlimited amount of time and for a minimal cost. Like with Netflix, you
build a playlist that can cross multiple consoles. As you mail one back in, the system automatically sends you a
new game from your list. Both offer a huge selection of games (GameFly has over 6,000 tides) with free ship~
ping and no return dates or fees. And both sell new and used games. They do vary a little, though. GameFly
offers GameFly Rewards, a program that earns you points for renting three months in a row. Gamerang also
has PC games available for rent and, with four shipping centers in the United States (California, Oklahoma,
Minnesota and New Jersey), it gets them to you quickly.
Be warned: Since video games are more expensive than movies, the user fees at both services are more
expensive than at Netflix. Gamerang and GameFly charge $25 and $23, respectively, for taking two games out
per month. That's a long time to develop a crush on Yuna from FinalFantasyX. ■
PoGo{Polaroid):
Manya
shutterbug
weptopenlywhen
Polaroid
closeddownits last
filmfactory.Whatwouldwe
do,we wondered,
nowthat
we couldnolonger"shake
it likea Polaroid
picture"?
Stepping
intothe21st
century,theinstantphoto
company
hascomeupwith
thePoGo,
theinstantphoto
printer.It usesnewZeroInk
technology
calledZink,which
makesfor a fairlygood-quality
photo,andusingBluetooth
to
sendsnapsof mycoworkers Get Some Play
frommyphoneto theprinter Thereareloadsof othergamerentalservicesoutthere,all claimingto bethe easiest,
the cheapest
andthe mostsuperwas,well,prettydamncool. duper,so if youaren'tsatisfiedwiththe mainstream
picks,giveoneof thesea spin.
Thestickypapermadeit
thatmuchcoolerto postour
GottaPlay
ConsoleClassix
G11meMine
RentZero
candidsin theoffice.($100,
Choose
betweena oneSignupfora one-,two-or
Choose
fromsilver($14/ Signupona month-byPolaroid.com/pogo)
gameplan($13/month) three-game
planmonthly
month),gold($20/month) monthbasis($5/month)
[KatiePeoples]
anda two-gameplan
($15,$21,$29),forsix
or platinum($28/month) or for a wholeyear($50).
($21/month).
months
($84,$114,$162)or rentalprograms.
Or,pay
a year($143,
$215,$305). bytheyear($119,
$191,$263).
_ Over4,000titlesfor PSP,
PS2,PS3,Xbox,X360,
GameCube,
GBA,OS
andWii.
.
.
Yougetto keepthegames
for as longasyouwant.
A freetradingnetwork
allowsyouto tradeyour
personal
gameswithother
gamersandgettheirs.
Fastdeliverytimes.
Thebrowsingoptionson
thewebsitearelimited.
- Youcanonlybrowseby
genreandplatform,not
just byplatformalone.
62
Icurve
Approximately
5,000titles
for PSP,
PS2,PS3,Xbox,
X360,GameCube,
OSand
Wii,plusPSPmovies.
Over5,000titlesfor
GameCube
andWii.
SuperNintendo,
Gameboy,
andSegaGenesis,
Game
GearandMasterSystem.
After90 daysof membership,they'llshipyournew
gameoutassoonasyou
tell themyou'resending
youroldoneback.
Parental
controloptions.
Youcanrentar unlimited
numberof gamesandreturnthemwhenyouwant.
Parental
controloptions
anda trade-inprogram.
Playthegames-like
LegendofZeldaand
SpaceInvaders-you
can'tlegallydownload
for
a PCanywhere
else.
Over3,000titlesforclassic
likeAtari2600,
PS2,PS3,Xbox,X360, systems
Uglywebsite- butword Nogamesfor handheld
onthestreetis thatthey'll devices,
longerwaittimes
berollingoutan innovative anda recordof poorservice
newsitein the nearfuture. (theyhavean"unsatisfactory"ratingfromtheBetter
Business
Bureau).
Because
filesaretransferreddigitallytherecan
betechnical
glitches,
butif
you'rethetypewhorents
classicgames,
youcan
probably
sortthemout.
She Kissed a Girl continued from page 34
Shades of Gray continued from page 35
Sapphic fans. Clearly Mariah Hanson,
the founder of the Club Skirts Dinah
Shore Weekend, sees something in Perry.
Hanson says she loves her kitsch style
and thinks that Perry's 60,minute set of
contagious pop tunes will bring fun, en,
tertainment and excitement to the event.
As for claims that Perry is antigay, Hanson
dismisses the notion, saying that Perry's
music brings up a dialogue about our lives.
"So many of us were that girl, had boy,
friends, were drunk the first time we kissed
a girl. Katy's song has straight and gay
people talking about lesbianism. She has
women feeling like maybe they can kiss a
girl and it will be OK;' she says. 'i\ttacking
her song is counterproductive and to some
degree discriminating .... The Rick Warrens
of the world would rather we were arguing
about Katy's song than their hateful rheto,
ric, and this is where I think we need to take
a good look:'
And fellow performers are more than
happy to give her a chance. Hanson
says that she hadn't heard of Perry until
Westenhoefer wrote her and said she had
to book her. Other performers are equally
accepting and excited.
"I have to say I was immediately drawn in
by her music;' says Bennett. "She's got a ton
of charisma and a fantastic voice. Looking
forward to her performance for sure!"
She's even gained support on curvemag.
com. One anonymous poster says, "It's a
relief as a ... girl who once ran with the "Jesus
Freaks"... and dated boys, who found hersel£
shockingly, to be a lesbian; that this woman
(whatever her ulterior motives) would come
out on the scene after her 'appropriate' past
and bring up not just one, but two issues
close to many a confused het's heart: women
who kiss other women, and women who
wonder why their boyfriends act a little gay:'
Perry herself is pragmatic about the
debates. "I guess I get a little bit bulls,eye
targeted more than other people, but you
know ... you can't read your own press. If
you read your own press, it'll ruin you,
because everybody has an opinion, and you
don't understand sometimes why they have
had this shirt made that said "Obama for
President:' I had no idea he was actually gon,
na run and become president one day. It was
just something in my heart that I wanted to
express. When he ran, I was all over it.
Youwere recentlymisquoted
on the New York
PostsPageSix.Canyoutell usaboutthat?
Yeah, it's crazy. I did a TV show called
Head Case... it's a black comedy on Starz
Network. [On the show] they have is this
really wacky psychiatrist [and] the hilarity
of it is that she's wackier than her clients.
So you're prepped to go in and talk about
anything, any kind of quirky thing that you
just want to make up. I was trying to think
of the most innocent, stupidest thing ... and
I said, "I think I have a crush on Obama:• It
was just really all in fun.
Thenwhathappened?
Last week I read on Page Six that I wanted
to have his kids. They quoted me like I [had]
sat down and given an interview. It was ridic,
ulous. I don't know if it was embarrassing so
much as I was pissed off that they presented
it as something I said. So I've been going out
of my way to clear it up. Hopefully, everybody
just realizes it's Page Six, for God's sake.
Doesthismeanyou'renotintothefamegame?
No, I love fame. I'm not against it at all. It's
definitely not a negative thing. It's definitely
not an accident. I think if you get famous,
you're famous on purpose; you're famous
because you want to be. So there are certain
things you do to have the things that you
want in life, including fame. Some days I am
down to be famous and some days I'm not. It
just depends on the mood I'm in. Some days
I am really happy that people know who I
am, and some days I wish they didn't.
SomefolkspartlyblamedtheAfricanAmerican
communityfor passageof Proposition8 in
Cailfornia.
I think it's interesting that all of a sudden the
black vote is that powerful. I think there are
a lot more conservative people than we real,
ize out there, and I think as progressive and
advanced-as far as we have all come, there
is still a long way to go. The challenge is to
keep going, just keep pushing the issues that
you want to get across and keep convincing
people, persuading people, pushing people
towards freedom ... not judging people and
not holding people back and creating more
barriers and walls in the nation because that's
what we are trying to break down. I person,
ally doubt that that's what passed Prop. 8. ■
their opinions:'
Still, as Perry heads off to perform at the
country's official lesbian spring break, com,
plete with plenty of girl,on,girl kissing, you
have to wonder, will it make Perry a new
lesbianicon:>■
April 2009
I63
TOPTENREASONS
WELOVE
...
M.C. Brennan
This queer filmmaker has what it takes. By Jacob Anderson-Minshall
M.C. Brennan is a Jane of all trades: a filmmaker, scriptwriter, actress, singer, designer
and, apparently she has a killer outside jump
shot. With a resume like this, Brennan offers
more than 10 reasons to love her:
shoot hoops all day;' says Brennan. "She was
a high school basketball star-in
1914-so
she got to show off her skills. She had a great
screen presence. I wish we could have made
another film:'
1. Sheknowsgreatmovies.As an actress she
played parts in films like 1985's feminist teen
cult hit Just One of the Guys and shows like
Northern Exposure. Her latest screenplay,
Dramatis Personae, won her the Outfest
Screenwriting Lab Fellowship and first prize
at the Rhode Island International Film Fest.
The story follows Kit Kelley, a whip-smart
transgender girl from "the wrong side of the
trailer park" and her love affair with rich kid
Alex. "It's sort of Pretty in Pink meets Hedwig
and the Angry Inch. Or The Way We Were
with cock jokes;' admits the screenwriter.
8.Sheletsherworkspeakforitself.Explaining
what it means to be a trans woman who dates
other women can be laborious so Brennan
doesn't feel the need to explain hersel£ "I was
pretty early in my career when I was worried
about those things, and I don't worry about
it now. I'm not living in a huge house in the
hills, but I think if the script is good, that's really all that matters;' she says. "The beauty of
words on a page ... is that it's beyond gender
and sexuality and race and age-it's the ideas
that count:'
2. She'sfunnyas hell.She's working on "scandalous tell-all memoir that I guarantee will
be at least 57 percent accurate, but not more
than 60 percent. I don't want to anger Oprah
so I need to get that out there up from:'
gedly chasing a fleeing Mickey Rooney across
the horse track?" Brennan calls the book
"Huckelberry Finn meets Hollywood Wives. Or
Are You There God, It's Me Catie, What the
Hell am I Supposed to Do With This Thing?"
5. She'sdoesn'tputherselfin a box.As a trans
artist it's easy to be pigeonholed, but Brennan
resists those limitations. "Content is important, but I also think we as a community
3. Shespentthenightat JamieBabbit'shouse. need to pull together and support each other,
When she had 'Just a minor extra" in the cult
champion our artists and give them the attention they might not receive in the non-LG BT
lesbian hit I tty Bitty Titty Committee, Brennan
industry;' she says. "I hope the community
reportedly spent the night at lesbian director
will continue to nurture and embrace our artJamie Babbit's house, "which sounds more
ists, even when they work outside exclusively
salacious than it was;' Brennan jokes. "The
LGBT content:'
scenes I was in were shot at her house overnight, which was a lot of fun. The wonderful
6. Shealmostbecamethefirsttransgender
rock
Guinevere Turner was one of my mentors at
star."When I was younger I did have aspirathe Outfest lab and she really did star in the
tions of being the first great transgender rock
movie, and ifI claim I was the big star she will
find me and kill me:'
star-sort of Bowie meets Bono, only with a
better rack:'
4. She can laughat herself."From an early
age I recognized the cosmic absurdity of my
7. Her great-grandmother
was her mentor.
situation, and I think the ability to laugh at
Although she passed away in 2001, five days
myself and at life's little ironies is one of the
short of her 100th birthday, Brennan's greatreasons I'm still on this nutty planet;' says grandmother was supportive of her gender
Brennan, who calls hersel£ "the Alyssa Milano
transition and her career and, according to
of the middle-aged hausfrau set. There are a
Brennan, she wasn't surprised by either. "One
lot of growing up trans books out there, but
of the last things she did in her life was to
how many of them involve the author as a star in a short film I directed called Grandma
young child, wearing an Easter Bonnet, dogShoots, Grandma Scores in which she got to
64
I curve
9. She'san activist.As a queer transgender
filmmaker, Brennan understands the need
for positive representations of trans people.
"I know how difficult it is for trans actors to
find work that isn't a degrading stereotype;'
she says. And this is especially true for comedies. "We need trans comedies where the
trans person is not the joke. My lead character, Kit Kelley, has a lot of smartass remarks
and irreverent jokes about being trans, but
it's her that's telling them, in a positive way,
expressing the truth of her life. She's got a
fierce wit and an indomitable spirit. She's not
standing there clueless while the filmmaker
and the audience chuckle at the weirdo:'
10. She seesuntappedpotentialin the trans
community.
"Trans artists-trans
peopleare changing everything;' says Brennan. She
lists survival, perseverance, new expressions
of gender and new ways of existing in the
world as some of the things to be learned
from the trans community. "The things we go
through in order to be ourselves may not be
typical, but the yearning for authenticity and
meaning in a homogenized world is universal.
The more of us who are out there telling our
stories, the more people will understand that.
We revolutionize this world by the simple act
of existing, by not going away:' ■
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curve
THE BEST-SELLING
APRIL 2009
I
LESBIAN MAGAZINE
VOLUME 19 NUMBER 3
Publisher and Founder Frances Stevens
EDITORIAL
Editor in Chief Diane Anderson-Minshall
Managing Editor Katie Peoples
Assistant Editor Rachel Beebe
Book Review Editor Rachel Pepper
Music Review Editor Margaret Coble
Contributing Editors Julia Bloch, Victoria A. Brownworth,
Gina Daggett, Sheryl Kay, Gretchen Lee, Stephanie Schroeder,
Rachel Shatto
Copyeditor Katherine Wright
Editorial Assistants Kim Bale, Ainsley Drew, Nina Lary, Andrea
Millar, Heather Robinson
Katy Perry? Really?
PUBLISHING
Advertising Sales Diana L Berry, Rivendell Media
Advertising Assistant LaKeisha Hughes
Social Networking Lindy Shelton
ART/PRODUCTION
The first question some of you may ask when you pick up this issue might be,
"Why Katy Perry:"' It's a valid point, and one that took up some heady debate
time in the curve office this month.
There's a huge list of gay and non-gay women our readers have told us they'd
love to have grace our cover, and among the newest, freshest faces in 2008 was
Christian singer turned overnight pop sensation Katy Perry. I think there's
more reason for this than her hit song, "I Kissed a Girl:' (For one, while other
MTV superstars are wearing virtually nothing, the retro-style singer sports
those cute Lolita-ish pink and apple green rompers).
But, with so many great lesbian musicians, why put a bicurious-at-best girl .
on the cover? For one, because you asked for it. Two, because once upon a time
a lot of lesbians were once bicurious girls who locked lips with another chick on
a dare, and then decided to switch teams permanently. Maybe most importantly, because Perry has got lesbians debating the importance and impact
of pop culture voyeurs who seem to speak our language, even if it is, as Perry
says, a bit of a lark. We asked Perry and some lesbian superstars-actor
Jill Bennett, blogger Dorothy Snarker, promoter Mariah Hanson-what
they thought about the whole phenomenon.
Meanwhile, it's easy to think Prop. 8 has been talked to death, but as I
sit here waiting for the court decision (at press time we are waiting for the
oral arguments to begin), I'm reminded of how much the issue of same-sex
marriage has galvanized the LGBT community, proving to America how very
important family-however we want to define it-is to lesbians. That's why
I'm thrilled this issue includes our special annual wedding section, several
articles on family building (including a very funny gay take on why pregnancy
is not so fun) and a travel section that's dedicated to great unexpected places
to go for your wedding or honeymoon. Yes, we have Vegas, but Yukon also
takes a starring role!
Soon-maybe
even by the time you read this-the
California Supreme
Court will make a decision that's going to, one way or another, alter history
forever. Let's hope next month in this column I'm celebrating the victory of
a lifetime.
Art Director Stefanie Liang
Photo Editor Hayley McMillen
Production Manager Ondine Kilker
Production Artist Kelly Nuti
Web Producer Nikki Woelk
CONTRIBUTING
WRITERS
Kathy Beige, Kelsy Chauvin, Jennifer Corday, Lyndsey
D'Arcangelo, Beren deMotier, Michele Fisher, Tania Hammidi,
Jodi Helmer, Kathi lsserman, Gillian Kendall, Kate Lacey, Charlene
Lichtenstein, Karen Loftus, Karlyn Latney, Candace Moore, Aefa
Mulholland, Alison Peters, Catherine Plato, Aimsel L Ponti, Laurie
K. Schenden, Kristin A. Smith, Dave Steinfeld, Edie Stull, Robin
Miner-Swartz, Kyra Thomson, Jocelyn Voo, Alison Walkley, Melany
Walters-Beck
CONTRIBUTING
ILLUSTRATORS
& PHOTOGRAPHERS
Paul Michael Agular, Michelle Bart, Erica Beckman, Phil Cho,
Cheryl Craig, Tony Donaldson, Sophia Hantzes, Gabriela Hashun,
Janet Mayer, Maggie Parker, Elisa Shebaro, Katherine Streeter,
Kina Williams, Misty Winter
1550 Bryant Street, Suite 510
San Francisco, CA 941 03
Phone (415) 863-6538 Fax (415) 863-1609
Advertising Sales (415) 863-6538 ext. 10 or (212) 446-6700
Subscription Inquiries (818) 286-31 02
Advertising Email advertising@curvemag.com
Editorial Email editor@curvemag.com
Letters to the Editor Email letters@curvemag.com
Volume 19 Issue 3 Curve (ISSN 1087 -867)() is published monthly (except for bimonthly
January/February and July/August) by Outspoken Enterprises, Inc., 1550 Bryant St.,
Ste. 510, San Francisco, CA 94103. Subscription price: $4g.95/year, $62.95 Canadian
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mailing offJCeS(USPS 0010-355). Contents of Curve Magazine may not be reproduced in any
manner, either whole or in part, without written pennissionfrom the publisher. Publication of
the name or photograph of any persons or organizations appearing, advertising or listing in
Curve may not be taken as an indication of the sexual orientation of that individual or group
unless specifically stated. Curve welcomes letters, queries, unsolicited manuscripts and
artwork. Include SASE for response. Lack of any representation only signifies insufficient
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z
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2 j curve
Features APRIL2009
32
Kiss and Tell With Katy Perry
The Dinah headliner clears up a few things
about her music, image and smooching
women. By Katie Peoples
35
Macy Gray's Anatomy
We get an insider look at what makes the
singer tick. By Rachel Shatto
36
37
38
40
41
42
43
44
46
47
HereComethe Brides
Coming Out While Married
Millions of queers come out to their spouses
every year. One lesbian tells her story. By
Jamie Wetherbe
11 Wedding No-Nos
The things you need to avoid on the big
day. By Robin Miner-Swartz
Border Crossing
With states legalizing marriage but DOMA
still in place, binational love comes with its
own obstacles. By Kyra Thomson
As Goes Connecticut?
The East Coast state is giving California a
run for its money. By Alison Walkley
Dissecting Prop. 8
The California ballot measure is pretty complicated. Here's why. By Kristin A. Smith
No Military Marriage
Why a removal of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell"
won't get rid of discrimination entirely.
By Marcie Bianco
Leather and Lace
These edgy, stylish wedding designers are
making lesbian brides swoon.
By Stephanie Schroeder
Legos for All
Gendered toys get this dyke mom all worked
up. By Beren OeMotier
What I Didn't Expect ...
The author of My Miserable, Lonely, Lesbian
Pregnancy gives us the dirt on the unexpected.
By Andrea Askowitz
Travel: Honeymoon Hot Spots
From Vegas to Yukon to Maui, we've got the
coolest places for your post-nuptial lovefests.
"I am a gay activistand I say that
proudly.I voted no on Prop.8 and
I've come a longway from where
I was raised.I definitelybelievein
equality."Katy Perry >> page 32
April 2009
I3
Departments APRIL2009
2
Frankly Speaking
22
8
9
Letters
24
Contributors
10
16
This Is What a Lesbian Looks Like
17
Out in Front
18
20
25
64
AstroGrrl
12
Open Studio
Lipstick & Dipstick
curve
Politics
28
Dyke Drama
One night stand rules to live by.
I Tried It
Curvatures
Celebrity Gossip
Tyra fantasizes about Angelina. Portia likes
strong chicks. Margaret Cho dishes on Ann
Coulter. And, could Sam and Lindsay be on
the rocks?
41
life and why sugar mamas aren't worth it.
Health & Money: How to keep your
noggin in top shape and find your calling,
even in a bummer economy.
Why All My Children is ahead of the curve.
Top Ten Reasons We Love ...
CS/'s Riley, Frye boots, lesbian bands,
Point winners and why Minnie's Flaming
Film Festival is on hold.
18
26
Advice
Relationships: Tips for a steamy sex
Entertainment Reviews
56
Music: Po' Girls and Indigo Girls take center stage. And Laura Lee Schultz speaks.
58
Books: Tristan Taormino says farewell
to Best Lesbian Erotica. Plus, Cooper
Lawrence examines fame.
60
Film: Milk gets high marks this month.
Buddy G creators take our questions.
62
Tech: Gaming delivered right to your door.
Plus, Polaroid enters the 21st century.
BRI06ESTORE
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LETTERS
The Sex Issue Alison Pill Tristan Taormlno
!
nn Bannon
speak of our stereotypes-vixens,
hypersexed and different. I know that you know
this is not all our community is about, but
what would a mother think of your layout if
her teen daughter gave her Peter's article in
hopes of being understood?
- SylveaHollis, Iowa City
Sex It Up
A Thousand Words
I loved your article on black women coming out ("On the Down Low" by Alison
Peters) [Vol. 19 #1]. I am speaking as an
African American lesbian originally from the
South who is out to my parents, colleagues
and closest friends. I did not, however, like
the photo you ran with the story. Deciding
i£ when and how to tell your family and
community that you are lesbian, bisexual or
queer is a huge discussion. It's serious. The
image that you used was not. Please do not
misunderstand the meaning of this letter.
The woman in the photograph is beautiful.
Unfortunately, usually when you are on the
down low you don't feel beautiful-you
feel
like half a person, someone living a double
life. Additionally the second half of the page
carried a brief article called, "A Lesbian Call
Girl Tells All:' Again, I'm not knocking the
story, just its placement.
I am saying that such a well-written, articulate article could in the future be used
as a real resource for members of the LGBT
community who are having problems coming out. It could be shared with loved ones,
friends and churches in hopes of giving
voice to African American, Southern and
other sexually repressed individuals' struggles. There are people who would love to
borrow Peters' words, in hopes that their
family could understand the larger ramifications of what they have been going through.
For people who do not know our LGBT
community, the images around the article
6
I curve
I read your January article about lesbian
bed death ("Is Lesbian Bed Death Realt
by Victoria Brownworth) [Vol. 19 #l] and
was so surprised with what I read. I was in
a nearly sexless hetero relationship for 15
years. When we did have sex it felt so onesided and degrading. When I started dating my girlfriend two and a half years ago
it was such a different experience. The sex
was amazing and has only gotten better. We
make love at least a couple times a week and
we would probably be in bed more often if it
weren't for our jobs and kids. It saddens me
to read that so many lesbian couples aren't
able to enjoy the most amazing thing about
being lesbian! Maybe curve should start
writing more articles about sex and how to
spice up a relationship's sex life.
- MER, Buffalo,N.Y.
I enjoyed Victoria Brownworth's article "Is
Lesbian Bed Death Real?" in your first issue of 2009 [Vol. 19 #l]! I couldn't agree
more with the article's conclusion that sex is
good and good for you and that it
is important for women in samesex relationships to make the time
for much-needed intimacy in their
lives. Some of your data may be
a bit pessimistic and out of date,
however. While you are correct
in stating that the Schwartz and
Blumstein
American
Couples
study has not yet been replicated,
my colleagues and I are in the process of conducting a large scale
longitudinal study of same-sex and other-sex
couples from across North America that will
attempt to answer many of the questions
that Schwartz and Blumstein asked of their
sample in the late 1970s and early '80s.
The first phase of the study has been com-
pleted ( thanks to the many curve readers
who participated!), and I'm happy to report
that in our sample, the lesbians were very
sexually satisfied and not experiencing lesbian bed death at all. In fact, our same-sex
couples were more sexually satisfied than
our heterosexual couples, and they enjoyed a
greater variety of sexual activities. In particular, our study was able to capture women's
desire for and satisfaction gained from the
more "sensual" aspects of sexuality, such as
foreplay.
The previous literature's findings that
women, and especially lesbians, have lower
sex drives or have sex less frequently has a lot
to do with how those studies have defined
sex. When the standard is penile-vaginal
penetration, it is not hard to believe that
there would be a lot of lesbian bed death going around.
The second phase of the study isjust about
to begin and we plan to look into these issues
further, especially questions concerning frequency of specific sexual activities. While as
a researcher I must remain objective, as an
individual I certainly hope we continue to
find a lack of evidence for lesbian bed death!
- Karen L. Blair,MSc, Kingston,
Ontario
Wedding Bells
It has been a while since we have been able
to read curve and I tried to catch a glimpse
at the Barnes & Noble by our
house but they seem to be getting snagged off the shelves
faster than we can get therewhich is a great thing! As the
war on gay marriage continues,
my partner and I are taking a
moment to reflect on the past
year. After being together for
six years we are proud to say we
had a small but beautiful wedding in Palm Springs, Cali£ It
was a ground-breaking moment in timeone that is worth fighting for so others can
follow suit. Cheers to a new year of hope
ahead!
- Denise Auer (redhead)and Renee
DeMont (blonde),Riverside,Calif.
COMING
UP
From the Editor
Last year when we
put together our
wedding issue,
everyone at the
office was flush
with excitement
over California's
new marriage
laws that allowed
same-sex couples
to wed. What a difference a year
makes. Now, everyone that got
married last year is waiting to see
•
if they'll remain "legally wed."
Advice You Can Follow
Don't miss the latest episode of The Lipstick
& Dipstick Show at curvemag.com. Our
lesbolicious advice gurus tackle your sexiest
and most intriguing relationship problems.
So it's no surprise that many
of this year's wedding articles
explain the rules and legislation
and even cultural confines that
•
regulate our lives and our right
to marry who we love, whether
you're in the military, just coming
out, in love with an immigrant or
just an average Jane planning
nuptials outside the confines of
the courthouse. We didn't have
many wedding no-nos among
•
rarely remember the wedding
day bummers) so we brought
Miner-Swartz to document the
11 biggest lesbian wedding
mistakes. Let us know what
you think!
Diane Anderson-Minshall
Editor in Chief
s Icurve
Po' Girl Sounds Off
Margaret Coble calls them "urban roots troubadours" whose new album is a "hypnotic
blend ... distilled into a timeless, melancholy
soundscape." Check out our exclusive interview with Canadian trio Po' Girl.
us (women on their honeymoons
in frequent contributor Robin
Hook Up Or Drink Up?
We know you've been waiting for us to plug in and
join the blogosphere with all that's fresh, fun and frisky
in lesboland. Wait no longer. Our Hook-Up Blog is
contributing editor Stephanie Schroeder's guide to
girl-on-girl dating, relationships, sex and everything in
between. And travel writer Karen Loftus' A Lofty Life
takes you to the ultimate destinations, stopping along
the way for decadent dining, drinking and, um,
recreation. Now that's the good life.
•
Springtime on the Slopes
Head to gay-friendly Park City, Utah to swish
down the slopes at the National Ability
Center, a winter wonderland for skiers
with disabilities. Plus, if you missed
our Utah travel coverage a couple
of months ago, now's your
chance to check out the hottest
spots for playing in the powder.
Because the season's not over
'till the snow is gone.
CONTRIBUTORS
"I came out just a few months before walking down the aislenothing like calling off a wedding and selling your dress on eBay,
then telling your entire family you're gay;' says contributing writer
JamieWetherbe
who wrote"There Goes the Bride" (pg 36)."Still;' she
adds, "Most of the research focuses on men who come out while in
heterosexual marriages. I wanted to show a woman's point of view:'
Wetherbe also works as an assistant editor at the Los Angeles Times.
Previously, she traveled the world from Antarctica to Antigua to report on the latest trends
in travel as the assistant editor for TravelAge West magazine. As an adjunct faculty member, Wetherbe teaches journalism and design at community colleges throughout Southern
California, and is a contributing writer for several LGBT publications, including IN and
Frontiers magazines. After a Midwestern upbringing, she left small-town Minnesota for the
California sun and now lives in West Hollywood with her two mutts, Butch and Meow.
There is an obvious correlation, in contributing writer Marcie
Bianco'sopinion, between the issues of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell"
and gay marriage. Bianco explores this correlation in her article
"Hostile Territory" (pg 42). "I wanted to articulate just how debilitating-emotionally,
yes, but more so financially-the lack of
marriage benefits is to gay service members and their families;'
says Bianco. "The issue of marriage in political discourse is a fundamentally economic issue;' she argues,"and therefore our government as a social system is legally required to recognize and provide
equal benefits to all people who desire it:' Bianco is currently writing her dissertation about how Christopher Marlowe's dramatic
oeuvre creates an enticingly perverse ethics. Having just moved to New York City, she is
attempting to immerse herself in the creative and sensual energies that the city embodies, in
order to both finish her dissertation and begin new writing projects. In her spare time she
watches Buffy.A lot.
'Tm all for good looks and looking good, but bootylicious babes
aside, there really is something intrinsically sexy about strong,
smart, dedicated women, no matter what they look like;' says Out
In Front columnist and contributing editor SherylKay.For the
past three years, Kay has been bringing curve readers a glimpse
of the lives of three outstanding community leaders every month.
She's also been known to frequent the most happening lesbian
hot spots in the southeast, where she snaps photos of smiling partygoers for Scene. Most recently, she's also been writing
radio scripts for a nationally syndicated health news show, dishing
up business and religion columns for the St. Petersburg Times and editing an amazing new
cookbook geared to the LGBT community. On those rare occasions when she breaks away
from the keyboard, Kay (whose pals call her by her Hebrew name Sharone) plays house in
Tampa, Fla., where she tries to keep up with four kids, her delicious Dalmatian and her sweet
life companion, Ms. B.
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Taking the Wheel
Every year, the Point Foundation awards
scholarships to outstanding LGBT youth.
Here are three of the 27 scholars honored
last year as leaders dedicated to serving their
communities:
A native of Los Angeles,
ShawnnaDemmons( right, top)
moved to San Francisco in 2000
and enrolled at San Francisco
Sate University to escape being discriminated against because of her sexual identity. She
graduated at the top of her class with
a Bachelor of Arts in black studies.
Active in the fight to end discrimination, Demmons found her niche in the
field of public health. She has worked
with the Institute for Community
Health Outreach and the department
of psychiatry at UCSF and she volunteers as
the outreach coordinator for the California
Coalition for Women Prisoners. Demmons
is currently pursuing a master's degree in
public health at SFSU.
DjamikaSmith(right, bottom) was born in
Bali, Indonesia, and moved to Ashland, Ore.,
when she was 7. Smith is bisexual, biracial
and bicultural and has spent much of her life
working with organizations striving to end
all types of discrimination. She cofounded
the Gay-Straight Alliance at Ashland High
School and was involved in many events
promoting tolerance. Smith is currently majoring in graphic design at the
Maryland Institute College of Art. She
plans to continue her humanitarian efforts after graduation.
Raised in Richmond, Va., Keara
Watkinscame out at the age of 15.
Her mother's drug addiction made
her absent for most of Watkins'
life. Watkins moved away from
her abusive family when she was
17, renting an apartment with her
partner until she completed an
international baccalaureate program in high school and began
studying at Spelman College in Atlanta. She
is currently a sophomore majoring in Spanish
and comparative women's studies and is the
vice-president of Afrekete, Spelman's LGBT
organization. Watkins plans to pursue a law
degree with a focus on civil rights for women, queer-identified individuals and African
Americans.
[KimBale]
Close to Our Hearts
JuliaFiske(topright)witnessed
howbreastcancerdoesn'tjust
inflictphysicaldamage-it erodesself-esteem,
challenges
femininity andwoundsthespirit.Twoof herfamilymembers
sufferedthe
painof losingbothbreaststo thedisease,
andFiskewasstruckbythewaythisaffected
their
mindsaswellastheirbodies.ButFiske-an experienced
fashiondesigner
forthelikesof
Levi's-wasn'taboutto takecancer'sinsultslyingdown.Usingequalpartsmanagement
skillsandmoxieshesetforthto foundSavetheTa-tas,a uniqueandgood-natured
approach
to eradicating
breastcancer.Featuring
a subtleandingenious
logo,SavetheTa-tassellshats,
T-shirtsandtanks,with5 percentof eachsalegoingtowardorganizations
liketheBreastCancer
Research
Foundation.
Ontopof tops,Ta-tasalsocreatedBoobLube,a soapdesigned
to beusedin
theshowerwhileperforming
yourmonthlybreastexam.Inswankyscentslikecedarrose,andwith
examination
instructions
conveniently
locatedonthebottle,it's a classyandsavvywayto takethe
fearoutof the monthlygrope.Asof lastAugust,thecompany
haslaunched
a sisterfoundation,
the
SaveTheTa-tasFoundation,
whichdonatesmoneyto organizations
thatworkto educate,
prevent
andfinda curefor breastcancer.
Ta-tasis tirelessin theireffortsto squelchthestigmaof the
disease,
andto getit off of ourchestsforever.
Thecompany's
missionhascaughtonwithcelebrities
includingScarlettJohanssen,
LindsayLohan,MarleeMatlinandCamryn
Manheim-proofthat
acrossall walksof life,cancercanbedevastating,
butlaughterheals.[AinsleyDrew]
121 curve
Bu-Bye Minneapolis
the rundown
Flaming Film Festival's Ganser shifts focus
If you've built up a high Pride tolerance
Lisa Ganser, the executive director of the Flaming Film Festival, has been busy
exploring her musical side, emceeing and curating Flaming Cabaret at Patrick's
Cabaret in Minneapolis, working on her own band and settling into her new home in
Seattle. Last year's Cabaret featured Shawn
Streepy, who made her drag debut, Big Is
Beautiful, who left the crowd hot, bothered and
questioning conventional beauty standards,
and the drag king troupe Mustache Bois, who
hyped the audience with mid '90s alternative rock and boot worship. Ganser (right)
even threw in a mini-documentary about the
tVagilantes, her all-woman hip-hop group. The
Vagilantes are continuing to record and they're
planning a tour this summer, so be sure to
keep your eyes on your local listings.
Ganser says she has accepted a position
as volunteer coordinator with the Northwest
Film Forum and she plans to be involved in the
Seattle Lesbian and Gay Film Festival. In her
absence, Minneapolis' Flaming Film Festival is on hiatus and, according to Ganser,
funding has become an issue. "In these trying economic times, the arts and nonprofit organizations struggle even more than the usual," Ganser explains. [ArisaWhite]
ing the ol' buzz, it's time to make plans
and your usual events just aren't deliver~
for WorldPride2012.
London will play host
to the global festivities,
which are expected to
attract over 1 million
visitors, many of whom
will be on queue for
the parade by 2011...
Olympic gold medalist NatalieCook
recently wed fellow beach volleyball star
SarahMaxwellin
New Zealand. The
private ceremony
made it impos~
sible to confirm that
they wore matching white bikinis, but
that's the way we'd like to imagine it ...
The GayandLesbian
BandAssociation
assembled nearly 200 musicians to make
history as the first LGBT marching band
to take part in a presidential inaugural
The Gaydar
parade. The group was selected from
Here's a taste of lesbians in pop culture this month.
Who missed the mark and who was right on target?
ing bands around the
among 1,300 march~
country to take part
in President
Obama's
~
ThePope:Benedict
XVIsaysthat
preserving
traditional , •
,,;genderidentities
~
is asimportant
aspreserving
the
rainforests
inauguration, which
proves we can march
straight when we have
to ... As if we needed
another reason to hate
the gym, a Minnesota
appeals court recently upheld a rul~
ing that found it legal to deny a family
membership to a lesbian couple because
they are not married ... The USANational
Longitudinal
Lesbian
Studyhas found that
lesbian parents raise happy, healthy, high~
functioning children and that discrim~
ination-not
the sexual orientation of
the parents-damages
kids ... That's great
news for many tots looking for parents
in the United Kingdom, where as of Jan.
1, it is illegal for adoption
agencies
to dis~
criminate against gay and lesbian couples.
PortiaDiRossi
dead?HowcouldNip/
Tuckk.o.
ourfavoritegoldengirl?
Here'shopinghernewseries,ABC's
BetterOffTed,is at leasthalfasgood
[Heather
Robinson]
LESBOFILE
S12ring
CleaningTime
Ladies coming out of the closet and going into therapy. By Jocelyn Voo
Yes,IAm
California's Proposition 8 has a lot of people's
panties up in a bunch, but maybe that's not
a bad thing. At a November protest rally,
comedian WandaSykespublicly came out, announcing that she'd gotten married on Oct.
25 to a woman. Though Sykes had previously
been married to a man (whom she divorced
in '98), she told the crowd, "You know, I don't
really talk about my sexual orientation. I didn't
feel like I had to. I was just living my life, not
necessarily in the closet, but I was living my
life... Everybody that knows me personally,
they know I'm gay. But that's the way people
should be able to live their lives... Now, I gotta
get in their face. I'm proud to be a woman. I'm
proud to be a black woman, and I'm proud to
be gay:'
You tell 'em, sister.
Onlyin HerDreams
Oh, TyraBanks,what won't you do for more
14
Icurve
York Post reports that the duo are in couples'
therapy.
But despite their issues, Ronson is all for
sticking up for her girlfriend. When Lohan,
wearing a fur stole over a blue dress, got
flour-bombed by PETA activists waiting
outside a Paris nightclub, Ronson took to
her MySpace blog to chastise the animal
rights activists.
"I don't wear fur, but I don't think I have
the right to ATTACK those who do. No one
has that right;' she blogged. "PETA should
focus their efforts on educating people on
what they believe are injustices instead of
seeking press via harassing those in the limelight. I received an apology too many days
late from the PETA folks (the blog removal
was too little too late) and today I'm pissed
at the bag of flour thrown on Lindsay last
night. Not because I got powdered down,
but because the girl who threw it acted like
an animal herself I take that back, it's an insult to animals to group her in with them,
my dog is FAR more civilized than that
person. I would have more respect for them
if they didn't use other people to get their
TV timer She's shown how much she loves us point across [sic]:'
on Top Model and recently, the supermodelOne lesbian, one questionable "lesbian;'
turned-television superhero had ParisHilton and animal rights issues: Could this setup be
as a guest on her daytime talk show, all to pro- any gayer if I tried?
mote the heiress's reality show, Paris Hilton's
My New BFF.When Tyra asked Paris what JustYourAverage,
NormalCouple
celebrity she'd want to be friends with, Paris ThomasBeatie,the trans man who gave birth
responded with the world's most obvious to a baby girl in July, is pregnant for the second
choice: Angelina Jolie. Ah, yes, Tyra agreed, time. In an interview with LarryKing,Beatie
that's a good choice. Because "if you have les- asserted that when he and his wife, Nancy,
bian dreams, she's the one that you want to met, they were a "normal couple:'
sleep with:' No, we're not making this up.
"I lived my life as a woman at that point;'
ForOnce,WhitePowder
That'sNotCocaine
This month's obligatory LiRo update:
SamanthaRonsonand LindsayLohan'srelationship seems to be rocky-the Sun reports
that Lohan"wants an open relationship where
she can explore her heterosexuality;' and that
Ronson started throwing fists at Lohan's
ex, Calum Best, when she saw the twosome
dancing at a London hotspot, while the New
Beatie told King. "Legally, I was female. But
inside I still felt male. So the way other people
perceived us, they saw us as a lesbian couple.
"Do you feel gayt King asked Nancy.
"I don't feel gay;'Nancy said.
"So you feel you're married to a mant
rr
~
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"Completely?"
"Yes. Even when he was pregnant, he was
still a man to me:' ■
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4£
CAMBRIA
WONEN'S
WEEKEN
She Said
WHERE
THEFOREST
MEETS
THEOCEAN
ANDTHEWOMEN
COME
OUTTOP Y!
Sepiember
IO·13,2001
Central Coast of California
All New! All Fun!
AIIWomen!
• Live Music
• Comedy Night
• Welcome Dinner
• Dance Parties
• Lingerie Contest
• Lawn & Pool Party
• Wine Tasting
• Ocean Kayaking
• Volleyball
• Guided Hikes
OUTINFRONT
BreakingThroughBoundaries
Three women who don't let anything stop them. By Sheryl Kay
QueerCripPolitics
LoreeErickson
was raised in small town, rural
Virginia. This erotic film director and disabled activist seeks to defy traditional labels
and today she likes to call herself a femme
gimp queer activist. "Femme is not tied to a
lesbian identity, rather a queer identity," says
Erickson, who lives in Toronto. "Queer, to
me, is an identity committed to dismantling
the gender binary, fighting against the marginalization of all people, animals and the
environment, hot transgressive sex and imagining new possibilities:'
As a member of Damn 2025, Erickson
fights for radical disability politics and radical access by restructuring communities with
people so that all people are included. She's
also a member of Acsexxxable-a group that
promotes and creates sex- and disabilitypositive spaces for all people, regardless of
16
Icurve
race, ability and trans experiences.
One of her recent projects that is garnering international attention is WANT, a
nine-minute erotic and provocative film starring Erickson. "Making porn is one of the
best things I've ever done;' she said. "On a
political level, it allowed me to make a movie
that would not only offer a moment of recognition of how sexy queer crips could be, but
also a way to tell others how I wanted to be
seen:'
It's a RaceThing
Her involvement in a study of attitudes
towardblacklesbiansinthe'80satGeorgetown
University propelled Dr. LisaBowleginto a
career as a researcher, initially specializing in
HIV/ AIDS legislation and policy. Today, as
an associate professor at Drexel University,
Bowleg studies the experience of stress
caused by racism, heterosexism and sexism,
and her work indicates that many of the issues that LGBT African Americans face are
uniquely different from the ones that many
white middle-class LGBT activists typically
espouse as important. "Until we engage in
larger discussions to enhance understanding about black LGBT [people's] lives and
experiences, and where we place our political
priorities, I suspect that this disconnect between the black LGBT community and the
predominantly white LGBT community will
persist;' Bowleg says.
Nevertheless, Bowleg has high hopes,
especially with President Barack Obama's
revolutionary plan to unite all the federal
agencies to specifically address the disproportionate incidence and prevalence of
HIV/ AIDS among racial and ethnic minorities. She makes special mention of Obama's
~
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11,1
.... ,II,II,,.. ,II,I,I,I,I,,I.. ,II,I,.. , ,11.. 1,11
statement noting how homophobic atti~
tudes in black communities work against
preventing HIV transmission. "Obama
has already made a significant and impor~
tant symbolic difference in acknowledg~
ing how much more we need to do to
address HIV/ AIDS in the United
States," she says.
Reviving
Activism
As a queer Puerto Rican and sex abuse
survivor, Zulma Oliveras knows all about
being marginalized, making her an ideal
advocate for those who are not yet able to
tell their own stories.
Oliveras grew up thinking the civil
rights movement died with Martin
Luther King. But when she moved to
San Francisco 10 years ago, she saw other
activist groups organizing and making
headway.
Since then, Oliveras has indeed stood
on many a soap box. As an active member
of MASA (Mujeres de Ambiente Sociales
y Activas, or Queer Latinas for Social
Change), Oliveras' focus is to help queer
Latina women get access to medical and
other health services, and to teach them
empowerment and resilience. And she's
spent the last nine years as a core mem~
ber of the Dyke March in San Francisco.
"It's allowed me to grow as a lesbian, as
an activist and to struggle against those
who just can't stand the Dyke March," she
says.
Although she is not crazy about the
model of marriage adapted from the
hetero world, she did support the les~
bian community by educating others on
defeating Proposition 8.
"Ignorant people just don't want to see
that we are one people and we deserve the
same love and the same rights as any other
human being," Oliveras says. "Maybe the
government fears too many women will
be taking over property and having more
rights, which can destroy their white
patriarchy ... I hope so:' ■
LUCIE
BLUE
TREMBLAY
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KOCH
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SHAW
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WARD
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BEITENS
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MCKEOWN
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DESIONBY
STUMPDESION.C0II
lneft4ess
1/
I
\
--
/11,
1,
,
ASTROGRRL
High Flying or High Maintenance?
Find out if she's just right for you. By Charlene Lichtenstein
Aries(March21-April20)
Sex:She loves you. She loves you not. She loves you.
She loves you not. She is becoming high maintenance.
Move on. Career:
You become the one to see and be at
work. Become a stingingly adept queen bee while you
can get away with anything and everything.
Taurus
(April21-May21)
Sex:Do you declare your love or wait? A certain gal
pal catches your eye but the uncertainty of her feelings
for you causes a delay. Some things are worth waiting
for. Career:
Friends in high places help you out of a job
jam. Better yet, maybe they can fix you up in your own
business.
I
N
~
)N
Gemini(May22-June21}
Sex:A love affair at work can derail your career pros,
pects if you can't keep it under wraps. Loose lips may
KNOW YOUR ARIES be fun but tight ones get you bigger rewards. Career:
Changes continue on the job. One day you're in and the
Youcanalwaysspota sapphic
next day you're out. I suggest you get out and stay out.
Ramby herstrong,bold,
proudandforthrightappearance.Thereshestands,with Cancer(June22-July23)
shoulders
squaredandhands Sex:April brings you new adventure and a spicy ro,
on heramplehips,practically mance or three. How much can you devour before you
beggingfor a confrontation.
But get heart burn? You won't know unless you try and see.
thetruthis,sister,thatthese Career:
Make your best career moves as the month pro,
galsareusuallyjust as ready gresses. Sometimes these require finesse and sometimes
for a bearhugor something
a you just have to push hard. Choose your move.
bit warmerandwetter.They
havean immensecapacityfor Leo(July24-Aug.23)
loveandaffectionanda robust
Sex:Lionesses are not only in top sexual form, they have
sexualappetite,if youdecideto
extra dollops of passion. You might become too hot to
givethema taste.Don'tlettheir
aggressively
feistyappearance handle in April. And I hear that she likes it that way!
dissuade
you;theyarelambs Career:If the job is getting boring, consider a move.
between
thesheets... andon Global opportunities are there if you pay attention. Or,
the kitchentable... andonthe try and slide by until they pay you to leave.
beach... andevenona small
glasscoffeetable.Saya few Virgo(Aug.24-Sept23)
sweetwordsin herearandyou Sex:Relationships heat up to a sexy boil. If you are on
couldbefeastingon broiled the prowl, be open to new places to hunt. Before you
lambchopseverynightof the know it, your mild spring will become a sweaty sum,
week.- FromHerScopes: mer. Career:
How much effort do you want to expend
A GuidetoAstrology
for others? Make sure business partnerships meet your
for Lesbians
expectations. Otherwise, do the unexpected.
Libra(Sept24-0ct 23)
Sex:Virgins find love in the supply closet. Don't let
1slcurve
yourself get caught up amongst the file drawers unless
you qualify for overtime. Career:
Enlist the help of col,
leagues. They might be willing to help you if they think
you'll reciprocate. Make them believe that you will ...
eventually.
Scorpio
(Oct24-Nov.22)
Sex: Find creative ways to show your love. Find
new tricks that tickle her fancy or rely on some old
standards. Anything can be sexy except liverwurst.
Career:Too much work can create stress and strain.
Find any excuse to take time off. As if you needed
an excuse!
Sagittarius
(Nov.23-0ec.22)
Sex:Lovergrrls flock to your door if you set out the
welcome mat. Make your home a love nest. Forget the
twigs and sap, though. Career:
All things being equal,
you would rather work from home. You may be given
the chance this month. But will it be your choice?
Capricorn
(Dec.23-Jan.20)
Sex:You know just what to say to get her to do what
you want, when you want. Will you use this power
for good or for evil? Let's try to guess ... Career:Use
all your skills to cement your job position early in
April. By the summer you can rule the roost. Don't
be a chicken now.
Aquarius
(Jan.21-feb.19}
Sex:While you think money can buy you love, it prob,
ably won't in April. Of course, it can grease the wheels,
and that may be all you need right now. Career:
Decide
what is and is not important on the job. Delegate what
is not important and cash in on what is.
Pisces(Feb.20-March20)
Sex:You are charming and delightful for a change.
Hurry before your crowd of admirers overdoses
on all the sweetness. Or, just concentrate on their
cavities. Career:
Start new projects, plan new directions
and meet scads of new people. Now is the time to show
the world what you can do. ■
Astrologer Charlene Lichtenstein is the au,
thor of Herscopes: A Guide to Astrology for
Lesbians. Get moreat thestarryeye.com
orgo to
her blogat thestarryeye.typepad.com.
How are you feeling today?
Draw the face that fits your mood and record the number of hours you slept.
,
"'I
Mon
Tues
Wed
Thurs
Fri
Sat
Sun
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Hrs. Slept:
Hrs. Slept:
Hrs. Slept:
Hrs. Slept:
Hrs. Slept:
Hrs. Slept:
~
\...
Cranky
Sad
Stressed
Calm
Alert
Happy
Does sleep have an impact on how you feel during the day? Take our 7-day sleep
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you manage stress, improve your concentration and memory, and may even help
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ADVICE Lipstick & Dipstick
First Person Singular
Dear Lipstickand Dipstick:I'm headedback
to schoolsoon(I'm an adultstudent)and I'm
worriedmy relationship
isn't goingto makeit
throughthetransition.
I'vebeeninthisrelationshipfor abouta yearanda half,but I'm really
startingto feel indifferent
towardmygirlfriend.
Wehavelittlefightsaboutnothingall the time.
WhenI ask her what her deal is, or if we can
talk,shesays"I'm overit." I am startingto be
overher.I'm notas happyas I wasinthebeginningand with my new schoolprogram,we're
also movingto a new city.She'sexpectinga
jobtransferandmoremoney,butdoesn'tseem
to be movingfastenoughto makethesethings
happen.Meanwhile,I'm tryingto rent out our
house,findhousing
in thenextcityandprepare
to be a studentagain.I feel alonein my relationshipandhaveexpressed
this.Shefeelsthat
I'm tooanxiousandthat I worryunnecessarily.
I feelI maybebetteroffsingle.I doloveher,but
I don'tlovehermorethanI lovemyself.I thinkI
wantout.- Studying
UponSinglehood
Lipstick:
Then get out! You're bound to meet
a curie in your chemistry lab. Like the classes
you're about to take, you must also see life
as a learning experience. It doesn't sound like
she's "the one;' and it doesn't sound like she's
excited to relocate. What does that mean? It's
time for you to move on alone. Taking your
couch with you, along with lessons learned.
These are growing pains, so try to see this as
an opportunity to sprout new leaves. After
all, we're on this planet to not only learn in
the classroom, but also discover untapped
potential within ourselves and, of course, become fashion icons.
Dipstick:Lipstick is mostly right. This is the
perfect time to get out. If you can't stomach
"Once we stop having sex, lesbians
still live together for years, like sisters or
roommates. Then, when you finally do
meet another woman you're hot for, your
ex is just as excited for you as yo r be t
friend would be. She helps you
buy a new outfit for your first
date and sends you off
with safe sex supplies."
20
Icurve
a full-on breakup, then separate and reevaluate after the first semester. Besides, bringing
a girlfriend to college is like bringing a sandwich to a smorgasbord-or
another butch
to the sorority house. You're just going to
mess up your opportunity to meet new and
interesting people. Be bold and go your own
way. If you discover, that you're really meant
to be with your current GF, then rekindle on
Christmas break.
Dear Lipstickand Dipstick:Why do lesbians
feel the needto be friendswith their exes?
- Cautious
Current
Lipstick:Honey, is that you? How many
times have I told you that the ex and I aren't
sleeping together?
Dipstick:Really good question. Partially, I
think it's because lesbians don't know how
to break up. Once we stop having sex, we
still live together for years, like sisters or
roommates. Then, when you finally do meet
another woman you're hot for, your ex is just
as excited for you as your best friend would
be. She helps you buy a new outfit for your
first date and sends you off with safe sex supplies. When she finds someone new, the four
of you go off on an RV vacation together.
Makes perfect sense. What I want to know
is, why don't straight people do this?
Lipstick:Because heteros have rigid boundaries and cannot ride that very thin line between friend and lover the way the lezzies do.
We could all learn a thing or two from each
other. Breeders: It's OK to still be in touch
and care about an ex-boyfriend or an ex-husband, as long as it's aboveboard and there is
no funny business. Dykes: Boundaries, girls.
And no funny business!
WHYDOLESBIANS
FEELTHENEED
TOBEFRIENDS
WITHTHEIREXES?
Lesbiansare programmed
thisway,
for betteror worse
33%
Separation
anxietyis too intense
31%
They'restillsleepingtogether,
or at leastspooning.
16%
It's simple:PlanB
4%
Sharedcustodyof the dogor cat
6%
DearLipstickandDipstick:
I workin the medical fieldas an ultrasonographer.
I scana lot of
pregnant
bellies.
ButI alsodoa lotofvaginal
ultrasounds.
Afterdoingthisfor almostsix years,I
havegottenquitegrossed
outbyall thesmelly
anddisgusting
vaginasI havecomeacross.It
hasseriously
playeda hugepartin mysexlife
withmypartneroffouryears.I'mjustnotinterestedin goingdownon her,or hergoingdown
on me.I usedto lovethewayshesmelled.
And
now,I justdon'tevenwantto touchherunless
sheshowers
first.I toldherhowI felt aboutthe
wholesituation
andnowshesaysI'vegivenher
a complex.
I don'tknowhowto getbackto lovinghertasteandsmellthewayI usedto. I feel
like I've beenruinedby my occupation.
I love
beinga lesbian!Buthowdo I separatemyjob
frommysexlife?- Offended
Olfactory
Dipstick:In social work, we used to call this
vicarious trauma. After working with sex
abuse victims all day, it was hard to go home
and make love to your partner. There were
little tricks we did to help ourselves cope. For
example, I would imagine myself zipping on
a full body suit when I set off for work and
zipping out of it each evening when I came
home, leaving behind the bad juju. Riding
my bike to and from work also helped clear
my head and leave behind the stress of the
day. You might consider stopping at a gym
on your way home from work or going for
a quick jog. But do find someone to talk
to about this. If your job has an employee
assistance program, make an appointment
right away. It's just not acceptable for work to
Thismonth,Lipstick& Dipstickposedoneof
theirquestions
to the readersviatheirblog
(lipstickdipstick.blogspot.com).
Thisis what
youhadto sayto Cautious
Current.
ruin your sex life. If all else fails, see if you can
get a transfer to the prostate department.
Lipstick:One of my best friends is an OB/
GYN-I'll
call her Captain Clit-and
I
asked her about this. At work, Captain
Clit said (her headlamp on), you must only
allow yourself to think clinically and see your
patients as such. That means no fantasizing while on the clock ( no matter how hot
she is). Not about a co-worker or your best
friend or the woman you brushed shoulders
with on the train. Oh yeah, and wear a mask.
In the bedroom (or on the kitchen counter),
Lipstick encourages you to try to appreciate
how beautiful and appetizing your partner's
winklebeener* is, and that it's not one of
those "smelly ones:' This may be hard at first
because your sniffer is tainted (literally), so
make your partner's winkle into dessert. How
does a slice of"Hot Apple Pie" sound? Pick
up Cal Exotics flavored pussy enhancer and
don't forget to bring the whipped cream!
[* Lipstick's word for your cha-cha.] ■
Is your girlfreind a slob? Want to get back into
the dating scene? Watch
new episodes of The
Lipstick & Dipstick Show
at curvemag.com.
rs,
Is, pride
, taBT film fests,
ear-adventures & more!
Call for a free catalog
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ADVICE Relationships
Not the Same Old Sex Advice
Seven tips on how to find meaning between the sheets. By Heather Robinson
going to be able to be present for you. How
do you suggest we deal with this?" It might
sound silly at first, but it will get you laid a lot
more than nagging.
Hikingcanbehotterthanporn."A lot of women tell me that being in nature is extremely
sensuous, even sexual for them;' says Ogden.
"Whether it's walking in the woods ... or getting into the sky and the sunset, it can open
up incredibly sensuous, even erotic kind of
vistas in them:' If nature isn't your thing,
there are lots of other ways to get your sexual
energy flowing, from holding hands to having
a great conversation. "Genital sex is just one
way to move energy;' says Ogden.
Renowned sex therapist, researcher and author Gina Ogden's recent book, The Return
of Desire: A Guide to Reclaiming
Your Sexual Passion, explores
the connections between sex
and spirituality. She offers the
following lighter fluid to keep
your home fires burning bright.
Becomeyour own sex guru."We've learned
as kids to tamp down our natural high spirits and desire for sex with other women;'
says Ogden. One of the first things she asks
women who are struggling with desire issues
to consider is the often-damaging messages
that shaped their sexual development. Ogden
recommends consciously taking into account
what you learned about sex. This can often
lead to revelations about where you are now.
It is the first step to "acknowledging and really
letting loose with sexual desire:'
you have to acknowledge those things about
yourself;' she says. "Those who we love or hate
are really mirrors of ourselves:'
A timemachine
canbethebestsextoy.Ogden
discovered in her survey of almost 4,000
people from the age of 18 to 86 that sexual
satisfaction rose with every decade. She was
shocked to discover that women in their 50s,
60s and 70s were having more fun than those
in their 20s and 30s. "Older women were saying, 'It's not about how many times we stick
our fingers into each other or bring each other
to orgasm, it's more about the quality of our
relationship, our heart-to-heart connection:"
Recognize
thatsexis a lotmorethanwhathappensbetween
yourlegs."If you look at the latest brain research, sexual activity lights up the
whole brain-whether
it is the parts of our
brains that have to do with physical gratification, or the emotional centers of the brain
or the parts that are associated with spiritual
and religious ecstasy;' says Ogden, who has
created a four-part wheel to illustrate the
multifaceted nature of desire. "There are four
energies involved here, physical, emotional,
mental and then finally spiritual energy,
which is about making meaning;' she said. So
if you're not satisfied with your sex life, try
considering it from each kind of desire. The
results are often surprising and illuminating.
Areyoumakingloveor keepingtrack?It is no
secret that our culture's obsessed with freDon'ttake the dirtydishesintothe bedroom. quency, duration, number of partners and
The stresses and frustrations that accompany other measurable aspects of sex. In Ogden's
the daily grind can leave even a sex goddess opinion, that's not helpful to anyone. "What
feeling cranky. Ogden says navigating domes- is this thing about frequency? Frequency of
tic situations with love and fearless honesty is what? Is it frequency of loving each other?
the key to ensuring that the kitchen isn't the Frequency of touching each other, frequency
The mostimportantkind of self-lovedoesn't only place that's hot. She offers this sample of genital orgasm, frequency of what?" All this
needbatteries.Growing up female and lesbi- script for dealing positively with your partner:
counting, comparing and contrasting leaves
an in a misogynistic and homophobic society "Honey, I notice there are dirty dishes here. I us feeling inadequate. Ogden recommends
can put a whammy on your self-esteem. "To really love you and ifl do these dishes tonight
creating a love life that works for you and not
acknowledge that another women is beautiI'm going to feel resentful and we are not go- comparing what you do to what works for
ful, desirable, sexy and wonderful, I believe ing to be able to make love, because I'm not any other couples. ■
22
J
curve
How to Kiss a Girl
Quick kisses, bar kisses, sugar
kisses, wet kisses, French kisses,
long kisses, bathroom kisses,
bedroom kisses, morning kisses,
goodbye kisses, butterfly kisses,
fruity kisses, lip-sucking kisses,
neck-nibbling kisses, virtual kisses-with all the kinds of kisses
there are in the world, it can be
hard to keep them straight (not
that you'd want to, of course).
Most of us remember our first
kiss- mine came moments before
losing my virginity to a butch artist who pulled me close under the
covers. I remember being terrified that I would do something
wrong and she would never kiss me again.
That was many years ago, and I've learned a great deal
about kissing since that fateful spring night. Most importantly,
I've learned that all the tips that fill the pages of teen and
women's magazines make kissing out to be something way
more complicated than it actually is.
The key to kissing, and leaving your girl wanting more, is
confidence. Know what you want and don't be ashamed of it.
If you are confident in yourself and your intentions when your
lips lock, she's going to know it. I also recommend using your
lips for more than kissing. Talking about what turns you on,
and what makes you want to never kiss again, are good things
to share, even if it feels awkward at first. Ultimately, kissing is
supposed to be fun, and it should feel good.
Remember, no two girls are alike and there are no rules
about turn-ons. Part of the fun and the key to keeping them
wanting more is learning the little things that drive a specific
girl completely wild. For some it's a carefully placed hand on
the back of the neck, and for others it's letting your tongue slip
over their ears.
The only piece of advice that holds true pretty much no matter who you kiss should go without saying: Make your mouth a
place the girl wants to be. As a nonsmoker I can testify to the
fact that there are few things less sexy than a girl who leans in
after finishing a cigarette.
The key to keeping a girl coming back again and again is
not ever to let kissing get boring or routine. Kissing should be
different every time, even if you and your girl have been at it for
years. There is always something new to discover.
Unfortunately, kissing is not like learning how to drive a car.
You can't keep muttering "10 and 2" and be successful (although I've kissed more than my fair share of girls who clearly
haven't learned this). It might make things easier, but at the
end of the day good kissing can't be taught. It's something you
have to dive into. Greet her at the door tonight, and you might
find yourself with more than dinner plans. For those of you on
the prowl, find a cute girl and try something new. After all, practice makes perfect. [Sassafras
Lowry]
NOTSOSWEET
SUGAR
MAMA
Beware of getting burned by women who supposedly have it all. If they seem to be full of
hot air, with flashy smiles and charming ways,
they usually are. I fell into the clutches of one
such lady just a few months ago-she had
the Mercedes, the Botox, the fake tits, the $1
million pad and a curious interest in my career.
She wined and dined me and promised to finance my next record and an expensive music
video, fund a national Pride tour, even buy me
a face-lift. I ate at expensive restaurants and
sipped outrageously overpriced martinis on
her dime, er, plastic, but was perplexed when
she bought a life insurance policy on me. She
promised to buy a plane on which she would
paint our names (strictly business), all the
while furiously flirting with a plastic surgeon
who sent her pictures on her hi-tech phone.
It all started going downhill after she
hooked up with my friend the chiropractor,
who did more than crack her in the Jacuzzi
at her house after a business meeting. Her
check bounced a week after she hired me to
play a private party where her lawyer warned
me about her. Red flag. She spontaneously
bought a condo in mountainous Mammoth,
Calif., where she escaped out of cell service
to have endless sex with my friend and ignore
the palimony battle that had recently been
launched by her live-in ex of over 10 years.
The plot thickened. My calls went unanswered
for the next few months and I haven't heard
from her since. I cancelled the life insurance,
funded my own record and am now funding
my own tour. My friend is still boinking her. I'm
glad to be back on the ground. She promised
me a plane, but all I got was a hot air balloon
ride. [JenniferCorday]
April 2009
I 23
ADVICE Money
30o/o
Same-sex couples with children
in California who have a median
household income of $35,000,
according to a study released
by UCLA's Williams Institute.
$434,000
The amount lesbians lose, on
average, over the course of their
lifetime due to the career wage
gap between men and
women, according to the
Center for American
Progress Action Fund.
ADVICEHealth
FindYourselfFast
Yes, it's still all about the economy, as unemployment hit over 7 percent recently and analysts
predict another 3 million Americans will lose their
jobs in 2009. Enter the grandmother of career
advice books, What Color Is Your Parachute
(Ten Speed Press), which offers a 2009 edition
focused on job hunting in hard times. First published 39 years ago, Parachute has not only been
a practical manual for job hunters and
career changers, but also the best kind of selfhelp tome, meant to help you find a career that
offers meaning and purpose. No wonder that in
1995, the Library of Congress selected it as one
of 25 Books That Have Shaped Readers' Lives,
and more than 10 million people have bought it
in the last three decades. The Workbook section
helps you clarify your mission in life, while the
other sections offer up real, substantive direction
on getting the job you want. The latest edition is equally relevant to lesbians
today as it was when I read it in 1986. And it's perfect for lesbians who are job
seeking with or without a safety net, offering up advice on what to do if the job
hunt takes longer than expected (most will take over 27 weeks, author Richard
Nelson Bolles says), how to get health insurance when you're on your own,
what industries are seeing growth and how you can figure out what you really
want to do with your life-no matter what age you are. [DianeAnderson-Minshall]
Five Ways to Shape Up Your Brain
After interviewing numerous experts, Sondra Kornblatt, author of A BetterBrain at Any Age,
discovered how to combat the challenges of modern life's brain~overload. We got the skinny
on how lesbians can keep their noggins in tip~top shape. [Fernanda
Silva]
MakeYourBrainStronger:
Challenge
yourself to try new things. Do
crossword puzzles or sudoku.
Learn a new language, then take a
trip to a faraway country and give
yourself a chance to indulge in a
completely different culture. Use
your other hand. Take a different
route home. Lose yourself in a
new experience.
!
24lcurve
BoostYourEnergy:
Yank your ears,
scratch your scalp, be aware of
your posture and realign your
body. Let your breath flow.
ReduceStress:Turn off electronics
and give your brain a break-let it be
quiet and let your thoughts run wild.
Exercise by having an active hobby like
gardening. Get some nookie.
FeelAlive:Go outside
after you wake up, let
yourself be around
nature, practice
affirmations, change
negative thoughts to
positive ones, and
clear your life of
clutter.
EatWell:Feed your
body what you
would want to feed
your brain-nutri~
ents, antioxidants,
healthy fats and wa~
ter are goodies that
your brain loves.
ITRIED
IT
Her Dance of lndeQendence
One lesbian connects to the long heritage of an ancient martial art. By Janet Arelis Quezada
~
~
~
~
rl:i
~
~
~
5
i
ffi
In the middle of a circle of capoeira students, I
face a tall woman with a wide smile and begin
to dance. My armada de costa is a kick from
the side to the right that she ducks in an esquiva, bending down to the floor with her elbow
up to block the move. Seated musicians play
the berimbau (a taut wire attached to a curved
piece of wood held by a gourd) and a wooden
drum as the students sing and clap, following
the lead of the mestre (master teacher) who
reminds us that we are to engage in free play
and that there is to be no contact-which
is
not always the case. But that's to be expected
from a class of beginners.
This is only my sixth class. I concentrate
on executing some of the moves that we
learned during the first sessions. My muscles
are offering resistance as they adapt to the
positions of this Afro-Brazilian dance and
martial art form. At the beginning of class
we stand in a line, repeating words of respect
for our teacher. After we are done with the
roda (a time to improvise and play together,
challenging each other with our knowledge
of the steps in this dance), we will line up
and repeat these words again.
I had taken some dance classes over the
years, but had never done martial arts. I was
always too intimidated by the idea of sparring with strangers. I also never thought that
I was athletic enough to move my weight
around the way that capoeiristas do, wheeling in the air, kicking their legs, balancing
on their heads-all
to a rhythm and often
with a speed and precision that is inspiring
to watch. I have to relax. I also have to watch
the person playing with me in the roda. It is
important to connect with the other person
enough to be able to anticipate where a kick
might come from in order to react and then
kick back.
Watching others play from the circle, I enjoy the experienced capoeiristas who move
into each other's spaces. They trade air back
and forth as they react to each other's moves
in an unbroken chain, hardly straying from
the tight circle they form at its center.
There is beauty in this circle. We move
together, pushing ourselves to fight, safe in
the knowledge that we will not intentionally hurt one another. We test our strength
and determination within the safety of the
game's rules.
We move to ancient music that signals
the beginning and end of each match; its
sounds harken back to the centuries-long
development of capoeira in Brazil, when
slaves practiced capoeira, waiting for an opportunity to rise up against exploitation and
captivity. The dance was practiced by cimar-
The music also calls out to the progressive,
modern-day struggles of Afro-Brazilians who
are working to fight poverty and the damages
done by multinational companies that have
destroyed the environment and disempowered low-income workers.
The circle in capoeira follows certain protocols: Capoeiristas enter, acknowledge the
instruments and the singers, obey the call to
end their match and walk respectfully outside
the circle to await their next turn. The watchers comment on the ongoing matches in the
rones (escaped slaves) in Palmares-a 17thcentury colony established in what is now an
autonomous state within Alagoas, Brazilwho fought and won the right to keep their
independence.
Capoeira historians write that it all started
with the charade of a dance. To others looking on, it seemed that the enslaved peoples of
Yoruba, Kongo and other tribal origins were
simply dancing to the drums. And they were,
but those dances included kicks, strikes and
other moves that could help them express
their rage and, in the future, defend their liberty if they were to rebel.
middle when a quick or expert exchange
occurs or when a foot or elbow comes too
close to hurting someone.
The songs bring the rivers of Bahia to mind
as I stand in the Culver City, Calif., studio, a
busy boulevard buzzing outside. I feel the
presence of celebrated leaders of Palmares,
former mestres who each developed different
styles of capoeira, saints who have protected
practitioners for hundreds of years-all are
present to observe us as we circle in the roda.
It is important to acknowledge their presence
as I, an outsider, seek to absorb the beauty
and wisdom they have passed on. ■
April 2009
I25
I
POLITICS
Waitin to Wed
What happens when the political gets personal. By Victoria A. Brownworth
marry legally in Pennsylvania, but that they
could "marry later in Europe" or "drive up to
Connecticut:'
I've been watching Bianca for a long time,
now-since the summer of 2000 when the
then-high school student shattered her mother's dreams by coming out. Over the past
eight years I have developed a deep fondness
for Bianca. I want her to be happy. Bianca is
sweet and tender and has never wavered in
her lesbianism-unlike so many lesbians on
TV who have turned to men, as if their lesbianism were just a phase.
Bianca and Reese belong together. They
deserve happiness at least as much as the
other characters on the show, who jump into
matrimony with nary a thought. Bianca's own
mother has been married 11 times.
As is true of so many lesbians, Reese's
parents disowned her when she came out to
them. She was crushed, but she didn't look
back, bravely telling Bianca, "You are my family now:'
Bianca, Reese and their daughters are,
of course, fictional. It's not the same for the
Soap operas are a guilty pleasure of mine.
Many people take an elitist view of them,
but the soaps o&en address social issues long
before prime-time TV does. Because soaps
breed an affinity between character and viewer, due in part to the intimacy of the format
and also to its regularity (daily as opposed
to weekly), viewers are drawn into these social issues in much the same way they would
be if the character were a friend or a family
member.
Last December, when the LGBT community was mourning and organizing around
the Proposition 8 vote in California, Bianca
Montgomery and Reese Williams, the lesbian couple on ABC's All My Children,got
engaged.
The characters had previously lived together in Paris, but had come back to Pine Valley,
Penn., to see Bianca's family because she was
about to deliver the couple's baby, Gabrielle.
When Reese proposed to the mother of
26lcurve
"I haven't reallychanged my mind about
marriage in the socio-politicalabstract...but I
do think that Bianca and Reese should be able
to get married. And I do think I too should have
the option, if I want to go down that aisle again,
this time with a woman."
her child, it was at least as romantic as every
straight proposal I've ever seen on TV. Reese
got down on one knee. She took Bianca's
hand and touched her cheek. She said in tensely sweet things about never having loved
anyone like this before. She kissed her. She
gave her a beautiful, one-of-a-kind ring she'd
bought in a little shop in Paris. It was beautiful and dreamy and tear-jerkingly romantic.
Reality set in a few scenes later when
Bianca noted that they wouldn't be able to
18,000 legally married Biancas and Reeses
(or Brians and Ryans) who face having their
marriages annulled as the fight against Prop.
8 continues. Nor is it the same for all the
thousands more Biancas and Reeses who had
planned to get married in California before
the vote that changed everything.
I got married to a man when I was just out
of high school. It seemed like the right thing
at the time, because I'd been told repeatedly
that there was no future in being a lesbian. I
thought it was a really good idea right up until
the point when I looked out over the church
and saw all my friends-who
were mostly
queer-and
walked back down the aisle as
part of something called "man and wife:'
I wasn't one of those girls who grew up
dreaming of my wedding day. I'm sure I
thought about it. Most girls of my generation
did. But I didn't play-act it as a child and I
didn't think about it much before I actually
did it. I wasn't as excited as I should have
been, wasn't as thrilled by the white dress
and the lace and the flowers in my long blond
hair.
I had a fight with my mother at the bridal
shower. She thought she was being very hip
and cool to get me address labels that read"Ms.
Victoria B. Last-Name-of-My-Husband:'
It
was 197 4 and "Ms:' was a brand-new moniker then, used only by feminists.
But I blurted out, "It's the wrong name.
I'm not changing my last name:'
My husband-to-be came from a big family
of Polish immigrants. All the women from his
side of the family gasped in unison. Not taking his name! My mother was angry, as were
my soon-to-be mother-in-law, her mother,
her sisters, her daughters-in-law, her cousins.
It was a scandal.
The real scandal, of course, was that I was
getting married to a man at all, not that I
was holding on to my personal identityalthough it was a nifty little metaphor for the
whole misguided debacle.
I've written a lot about marriage over the
years. I used to be vehemently opposed to
the whole concept on feminist grounds and
found the LGBT embrace of marriage to
be counterintuitive, since marriage is a patriarchal institution that oppresses women
worldwide.
I haven't really changed my mind about
marriage in the socio-political abstract or with
regard to how women are oppressed by men.
But I do think that Bianca and Reese should
be able to get married. And I do think I too
should have the option, if I want to go down
that aisle again, this time with a woman.
I've been seriously ill in recent years, in and
out of hospitals a lot. If my partner were a
man, I would never have to explain who he is.
But my partner of a decade is a woman, so I
do have to explain who she is-and then wait
for the reaction, the dismissal or the message that "no one" can come into the ER or
examination room or wherever with me,
when I know that any stranger I just grabbed
off the street, and said was my husband could
be in that intimate space with me.
That's heterosexual privilege.
Most people who parse same-sex marriage
don't get that it's not about approval, and it's
not about special rights, and it's not about
what is or is not in the Bible, the Talmud
or the Book of Mormon. It's about the civil
right-and I use the term in both the legal
sense and the sense of courtesy-not to have
to answer the prying questions of others,
ever.
Same-sex marriage is about having choices.
I got married right out of high school because
I thought I didn't have another choice. Today,
I might choose marriage because I want more
choices, including the choice to never again •
have to explain who that woman over there·
is. She's my wife.
Marriage is viewed as a public proclamation, and in many ways it is. But it is also the
lock on the door and the do-not-disturb sign.
It's a protection, a magic wand, a talisman that
says, "These two are sacrosanct. They deserve
your respect. Don't screw with them."
I hope Reese's father doesn't break the
couple up. I hope Prop. 8 is overturned. And
I hope that if I decide to get married again, I
won't have to drive all the way to Connecticut
to do it. ■
Lesbians Who Rock the Vote
Inthe2008elections
theGay
andLesbian
VictoryFund-a
political
nonprofit-supported
111candidates,
80 ofwhom
wereelected.
Thesearejusta
sampling
ofthequeerwomen
makingchangein politics
today:
Representatives
andisone-half
ofthefirstgay
coupleto bemarriedinthestate.
LupeValdez
wasreelected
as
thefirstfemale
KateBrownisthe
sheriffof Dallas.
second-highest
Notonlydidshe
ranking
electedofbreakthegender
ficialin Oregon
and
barrier,
she's
thehighest-ranking
bisexual
politician
in alsothefirstLatinaandthefirst
lesbian
to holdthepost.
thecountry.
Trulya
trailblazer.
RebeccaKaplanof California
is
a recently
converted
Democrat
BethByeisamongsixopenly
gaymembers
oftheConnecticut (fromtheGreenParty)andthe
firstlesbian
to serveonthe
General
Assembly.
Shewas
Oakland
CityCouncil.
reelected
to theHouseof
JeanetteMott-Oxford
wasreelectedto theMissouri
Houseof
Representatives.
Shealsohas
a masters
in
divinity
from
EdenTheological
Seminary.
Kyrsten
Sinemaopposed
Proposition
102,Arizona's
antigaymarriage
ballotmeasure.
Unfortunately,
it passed
in
November
2008,butArizona
reelected
Sinema,
whois
openlybisexual,
to theHouseof
Representatives.
JackieBiskupsi
dealtwith
opposition
whensheranasthe
firstopenlylesbianmember
oftheUtahState
Legislature.
But
thatdidn'tstopher frombeingreelectedto theHouseof
Representatives
fivetimes.She's
currently
serving
asa representativeof Utah'sDistrict
30.
KathyWebbis
thefirstlesbian
to beelectedto
a stateofficein
Arkansas.
She's
alsoa restaurantownerand
ranunopposed,
currently
serving
as Majority
WhipandViceChairoftheJoint
Budget
Committee.
April 2009 j 2?
DYKE
DRAMA
A CasualEncounter
Our plucky guru lays down the rules for one night stands. By Michele Fisher
"Does it always have to be about sext That is
what a reader recently asked me.
Yes, yes it does. Sex is the fun part about
being a lesbian. When I was a baby dyke, I
didn't dream of nesting, I dreamt of fucking.
Relationships are complicated; sex is simple.
You might wait your whole life to find the
one you love, but thanks to the Internet, gay
papers and vodka you can find someone to
sleep with whenever you want.
28
Icurve
If you are with someone then I hope you
two are getting all you can, and if you are
single, go out and get some.
To reduce your dyke drama, just keep a
few things in mind. Although the rules for
anonymous or almost anonymous sex are
fewer and simpler than those for dating,
there are still rules. Several years ago I had
to leave a woman's house at an ungodly hour
(and unsatisfied) because I wasn't thrilled
with her sexual selections for the evening. I
thought it was rude of her to wait until we
were naked to start throwing me around the
room like a rag doll. If I had picked her up
at an S&M club or a bondage seminar, then
I wouldn't have been offended by her aggres~
sive actions, but I had just met her at a dance
club. I think the assumption that two people
who meet over a cocktail while out dancing at
a regular dyke watering hole are going home
to have vanilla sex is a reasonable one. My
thrill was sleeping with a stranger, not being
manhandled by one. My date, however, did
not share my point of view. According to her,
a woman has to be down for anything when
she goes home with a stranger. She was of
fended that I was offended and let me know
that I was the first unsatisfied customer she
had encountered. When I suggested that the
other women were just hoping to escape with
their lives, she encouraged me to do the same.
(What really made me mad was that she
assumed I was a bottom.)
Along those same lines, ifl took a girl home
and found a penis where her vagina was sup~
posed to be, I would be more than bummed
out. I totally support trans lesbians, just give
me the heads up ahead of time, because when
I order a taco, I want a taco; getting a burrito
just won't make me happy. I don't care if the
burrito wants to be a taco-I still don't want
it. Once you have the surgery, then it is up to
you when or if you want to talk about your
past and its parts. In my mind, once you buy
it, you own it and if I can't tell, then you don't
need to tell me either, unless you want to.
And by the way, being into body fluids or
electricity are also things you don't want to
spring on a woman during a chance encoun~
ter. If you want to wear a furry costume or
eat out of a dog bowl during sex, better you
should take out an ad somewhere, so you can
find other gals who share your proclivities.
How about amputations, or medical
devices? Hey, if all you have to do is snap an
arm or a leg off and on, then who cares? But if
you are going to need me to hold something
heavy aloft for long periods of time or empty
a bag every hour, then you'd better let me
know before we privatize our party.
If you are committed to someone else,
should you tell a girl before you roll around
with her? Are you nuts? If you are even thinking of telling some woman you are trying to
lure into a tryst that you already have a partner, then part of you knows you should not
be doing it. Listen to that part of yourself.
What if she is married to a man? That isn't
the same thing, is it? If you know that the
woman you are about to get intimate with
is with anybody, you've got to go. Karma is
karma-it doesn't matter whether were talking
about innies or outies.
If you think dyke drama is bad, turn on
Lifetime. Hetero drama involves gunplay,
pickup trucks and creepy best friends named
Chuck who do all the dirty work. It's hard
to resist being the "first;' for a woman who is
"trapped" in a hetero situation, but chances
are, you ain't the first and she ain't trapped.
And goddess forbid you are actually the first,
because she might turn into a Klingon. In
her mind, once she has given you the greatest
gift a human can bestow on another, you will
have to pay for it the rest of your life.
And by the way, I have had one of those
one-night-stands-who-cried-after-sex-because-she-couldn't-stand-the-guilt-aboutall-the-terrible-things-she'd-done lovers and
it was the opposite of fun. That experience
put me off Catholic girls for years.
What about that hot girl who keeps asking you to go home with her, but she is really
drunk or high? I dunno-drunks
and druggies are always more trouble than they're
worth. They always want to urinate when
and where they are not supposed to, they are
too loud and their hygiene is often lacking.
But, if she is really hot ...
What if you are on your period? This one
caused a lot of debate in my circle of friends.
Some ladies thought it was disgusting to take
somebody home and then spring the redrum
on her. Others thought it was no big deal because, heck, we all bleed. I guess it depends
on what you plan on doing in the sack and
how you deal with Aunt Flo. Ultimately,
we decided that it was worth an honorable
mention.
Don't invite a girl to your place unless you
have your own place. If you have four roommates and your "place' is a futon in the living
room, which is, incidentally, also the only
way to access the bathroom, then you don't
really have your own place. If you have enough
critters at your house to start a petting zoo,
then you should probably mention that before
taking anyone to the Wild Kingdom that is
yours. People have allergies and fears, you
know. And, for the last time, litter boxes
don't belong in the bedroom.
So much for getting in. As for getting out,
the sooner the better. Remember, this isn't a
date. You don't need to ask her out again. It
isn't necessary to make up a story about why
you have to leave-just go. You don't have
to cook her breakfast or ask for her hand
in marriage. Oh heck, I got you this far, just
do your best. Once again, Dear Reader, it is
about lesbian sex. May it always be so. ■
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April 2009
I29
Stephanie
Rowe
Positive decision making, honesty and
respect for all people are among the lessons that Stephanie Rowe has taught her
students during her 16 years as a health
education teacher in Eau Claire, Wis. Rowe
eventually decided "it was time to model living totally authentically" by stating, "I am gay" to her seventh-grade students.
Knowing her actions would impact the entire school, Rowe
forewarned her colleagues about the lesson and invited an
administrator to observe the class. "I create a very safe and
respectful classroom climate;' she explains, "and as I shared my
sexual orientation with the students, it seemed as if it was not
big news to them:' It became big news when a small group
of parents complained. "I had done nothing wrong and no
discipline could be taken;' reflects Rowe. She advises other
teachers in similar situations to involve the administration,
establish a support network, be open to the unexpected and
"live brave and authentically, in your timing:'
These K-12 teachers use their roles
as educators to inspire students
and peers, and they also provide
their communities with the tools for
tolerance needed to foster a safe and
inclusive school environment.
By Kyra Thomson
AnnBancroft
Few women have met and shattered barriers and limitations with as much passion as
educator and polar explorer Ann Bancroft.
Despite the challenges of being dyslexic,
Bancroft became a successful physical
education and special education teacher in Minneapolis; a
coach; and an instructor for an outdoor education organization called Wilderness Inquiry. Bancroft left her teaching post
in 1986 to become the first woman to reach the North Pole,
but she never stopped teaching. She frequently conveys her
message of perseverance and environmental activism, and the
excitement of her explorations, such as leading the American
Women's Expedition to the South Pole, to eager students. The
Internet has allowed 3 million students around the world to
follow Bancroft's Arctic expeditions with her co-explorer, Liv
Arnesen. With a goal of encouraging others, Bancroft began
the Ann Bancroft Foundation in 1996, to "inspire courage,
risk-taking, integrity and individuality in girls and women:'
Dr.Virginia
Uribe
Dr. Virginia Uribe, a Fairfax High School
teacher and counselor for 42 years, founded Project 10 in 1984 after witnessing the
unmet needs of LGBT students in the
public educational system. Aimed at lowering the high
dropout, suicide and substance abuse rates among sexual
minority youth, as well as in-school harassment, Project
10 was the nation's first on-site public school support
program specifically dedicated to these issues. Uribe
began the program on her own, without significant
support, but Project 10 has grown and become a model for
similar programs around the country. In a 1989 video, Uribe
declared, ''.As long as I have a breath in me, I will continue
to fight for the rights of gay and lesbian students;' and
indeed she has. Although she retired in 1998 and appointed
1
her partner, Gail Rol£ as the education director of Project
10, Uribe continues to work as the executive director and as
a fundraiser for Friends of Project 10, Inc.
GailRolf
Before becoming the education director of
Project 10 in 1998, Gail Rol£ who began
teaching health education in 1969, chaired
the Gay and Lesbian Issues Committee for
the United Teachers of Los Angeles, was a commissioner on
the Los Angeles Unified School District's (LAUSD) Gay and
Lesbian Education Commission, and has been on the Board
of Directors for Friends of Project 10 since 1989. In her role at
Project 10, Rolf has expanded the program to all LAUSD high
schools and several middle schools. In addition, she continues
to provide outreach to staff and students, and consults with
district offices to implement policies and curriculum changes.
Bonnie
Augusta
Bonnie Augusta, a special education teacher and administrator in the Madison Metropolitan School District since 1976,
is currently the district's GLBTQ resource teacher. Hers
is the first such position to be created in
Wisconsin. Augusta has always advocated
LGBT issues, such as including domestic
partner coverage in the district's employee
health insurance program and teacher training
on sexual orientation issues. By exceeding
expectations in her role as resource teacher, she proves that
the position is imperative to all districts.
DawnMurray
Despite having been a biology teacher in
San Diego's Oceanside Unified School
District since 1983 and winning numerous teaching awards, Dawn Murray was
denied a promotion in 1993 because
the hiring committee had heard she was a lesbian. She also
became the target of severe harassment, endured false
rumors and obscene graffiti and was blatantly shunned by
other staff members. Her complaints to school officials were
first ignored, then met with threats of disciplinary action. The
discrimination lawsuit she filed in 1996 was finally resolved
in 2002 when the district was ordered to compensate Murray
and to provide annual sexual-orientation sensitivity training
to its employees. Murray's case was unique because her troubles were staff generated and because she had the courage to
continue teaching throughout the lengthy legal proceedings.
Johanna
Eager
Johanna Eager taught high school-level language arts for 10 years, holds a Master of
Science degree in diversity education and
has been extensively involved with equality issues in K-12 education since 1993.
She has worked as an administrator for the Intercultural
Development Inventory, as a facilitator for the SEED
(Seeking Educational Equity and Diversity) program and as
a consultant to many school districts. Eager is currently the
coordinator of the Office of Equality and Integration for the
Roseville Area Schools in Minnesota.
LauraMatanah
When Laura Matanah and her wife, Sarah,
witnessed how excited their daughter became after spotting a tiny photo of two
mommies in a magazine, they realized that children of LGBT
parents need to see images that represent their families.
Utilizing her 12 years of teaching experience Matanah created
RainbowRumpus.org, a monthly online magazine for kids of
LGBT parents and their friends, and an informative tool for
teachers. As a parent, she recommends informing the school
about what your children call you, so everyone can use the same
language. As an educator, Matanah stresses the importance of
introducing the terms heterosexual, lesbian, gay, bisexual and
transgender co children as simply some of the many words that
might describe the members of our diverse community.
KimWestheimer
After years of working closely with
teachers, administrators
and students
as an employee of the Massachusetts
Department
of Education
to create
tolerant and inclusive public schools,
Kim Westheimer, together with Jeff Perrotti, developed the
Safe Schools Program and co-authored the handbook When
the Drama Club Is Not Enough: Lessons from the Safe Schools
Program for Gay and Lesbian Students. She is now an educational consultant for the Human Rights Campaign's Family
Project, the Welcoming Schools Initiative and she continues
to write and.conduct workshops related to LGBT youth.
JimmieBeall
Jimmie Beall had no idea that a public school teacher in Ohio
could be fired for being gay. At home, she lives an "authentic and transparent" life with her partner and children, but
she had never come out to her high school
students. However, despite receiving a stellar evaluation and a contract renewal offer, Beall was fired for showing her class
a PowerPoint presentation about, and
participating in, the Day of Silence, the
national youth-run effort to elimmate LGBT discrimination
and name-calling. Beall's federal lawsuit against the London
School District was settled out of court, awarding her compensation and, most importantly, policy changes to prohibit
sexual-orientation discriminarion. She is now a counselor for
the Columbus City Schools, and is completing a doctorate m
educational administration, and promoting this new legislation as an Equality Ohio advocate. "As teachers and parents;'
she says, "We do our best to live as examples to others-we
are willing to be the change we want to see in the world:' ■
April 2009
I 31
isse
But did we like itP
she admits. Mimicking the techniques of other famous artists-and tween girls worldwide-Katy Perry wrote the nowinfamous chorus to her summer smash, "I Kissed a Girl;' in
her bedside journal after she dreamed it up. A year and a half
later, and with the help of three other writers, Perry recorded
the song on her 2008 album, One of the Boys,and had no clue
that her little ditty would become such an international hitand raise such a stink.
But lyrics like "I kissed a girl and I liked it; the taste of her
cherry Chapstick; I kissed a girl just to try it; I hope my boyfriend don't mind it;' have caused some lesbians and bisexual
women to cry foul over trivializing their experiences, while
some conservatives have demonized Perry as a bad example to
young girls everywhere.
A Google search of Perry's song brings up a slew of bloggers and reporters out to rip her apart or sing her praises. For
example, the Washington Blade'sRebecca Armendariz took
her to task for her songs, pointing out that "Ur So Gay" is
"a song that delivers no enjoyment, only confusion as to how
anyone could be so shortsighted about its connotative meaning:' This publication even received criticism from readers last
summer when we gave Perry's hit song a thumbs up.
Perry, however, takes it in stride, and says there's nothing mean-spirited about her songs. She repeatedly says that
most people 'get the gist of the joke;' when it comes to "I
Kissed a Girl" and see that she's only having fun. "Well I hope
that they, you know, really understand the kind of tongue-incheek behind it;' she said. "That's what happens with songs, is
everybody has their kind of idea of what it was. And you know
when I wrote this song, it was never like a girls-gone-wild
anthem. It was definitely about my curiosity about the schoolgirl
crush I had. And so I'm sure that a lot of women will probably
relate to that schoolgirl crush, and hopefully they'll sing along.
I'm hoping so. But I think that that's maybe why it did kind of
have a worldwide (audience] is because it was almost like every
32lcurve
modern girl's unspoken spoken:'
Perry, born Katheryn Elizabeth Hudson, grew up in Santa
Barbara, Cali£, in a nondenominational Christian household
(both her parents are ministers). She grew up singing gospel
music but has been most influenced by the band Queen.
Always one with a big personality, Perry has come a long
way from her Christian beginnings to dominate the pop charts
worldwide. The 24-year-old singer reflected, "I was always the
kid at the dinner table who, if there was a line you shouldn't
cross, I took a big leap over it ... there's never really been, like,
an edit button on my keyboard of life:'
And she moved into her career in a big way, settling in Los
Angeles in 2003 at 18. There she figured out how to deal with
fame and the media by learning from her friends' experiences.
"The whole world is a big, fat kitchen with a gazillion cooks.
And everybody is always commenting, and stuff like that, so
you have to definitely be strong or learn how to sift in the good
and keep out the bad;' she said. "I mean, I definitely prepared
myself for this. And living in Hollywood for eight years; man,
that will prepare you whether you like it or not. Because I kind
of had the luxury of watching other people get famous ... and
then, you know, I'd sit back and take notes and say, OK, I'm
not going to do that if I ever have the opportunity:'
Her crossover from Christian music into pop (she began
performing under the name Katy Hudson, but changed it
so as not to be confused with Kate Hudson;-Perry
is her
mother's maiden name) didn't shock her parents so much,
and, yes, they are supportive. She attributes their support to
the fact that they are a different breed of Christian. "My dad
has four tattoos. I mean, they all happen to say 'Jesus' but he's
just-like, he's kind of like a modern, almost like a modern
rock 'n' roll pastor himself;' she says. "I definitely think that
we agree to disagree on some things, but I don't think that is
unusual with a kid and their parents' relationship. So they're
very, very supportive, and they are always telling me they're
praying for me, and I appreciate it:'
Dinah's headliner just
wants us to lighten up.
By Katie Peoples
Photography by Michael Elins
"When I wrote this song, it was never like a girls-gone-wild anthem.
It was definitely about my curiosity about the schoolgirl crush I had.
And so I'm sure that a lot of women will probably relate to that
school irl crush
ho ull the 'll sing along. I'm hoping so:'
She's been meeting success everywhere. She has the No. 1
song in 20 countries, and has been nominated for a Grammy
for Best Female Pop Vocal Performance, performed at the
MTV Video Music Awards and received accolades from
around the globe. But with all her success and acceptance in
the mainstream media, Perry has become a symbol of controversy in the LGBT community: After all, there is a difference
between what is just a joke and what is seriously offensive. Is
her song a sign that LGBT people have become so accepted in
America that they should lighten up about a lighthearted song
like"I Kissed a Girlt Or is Katy Perry just a shiny wrapper for
homophobic statements?
Perry defends herself and her music. 'J\nd I think specifically I realized that, you know, when I moved out of my home
and I started meeting lots of different types of people-all
kinds of different people, it doesn't matter ... what their sexual
orientation was-I started meeting them and I kind of started to be more open about these people I met, even though I
was raised to say these people aren't good, you can't be friends
with them. It doesn't matter if they were gay or straight;' she
says.'Tve always been a very open-minded person. I definitely
believe in equality:'
And she's been hailed as a gay men's icon, despite being
called antigay and antiman by some critics for her song "Ur
So GaY:' She's performed on stage with drag queens in San
Francisco, and Out magazine even put her (and three men) on
the cover of its People of the Year issue-making her one of
only four women to grace the cover of the LGBT magazine in
2008. An honor AfterEllen took issue with, however, stating
in an open letter to Out written by blogger Dorothy Snarker:
"Yes, I know she is joking. She really loves the gays even if
34
Icurve
she has never actually kissed a girl or anything truly gay like
that ... No, what I really have a problem with is that there were
plenty of actual gay women in the world, let alone on your Out
100 list ... who would have made better, more representative
cover girls:'
Snarker later commented on Perry as a headliner at Dinah
Shore. "While it has an inescapably catchy beat and you can
dance to it, 'I Kissed a Girl' is in no way representative of
the lesbian community;' she says. "In fact, it feeds into one of
our biggest dreads: that a girl we like and end up kissing will
really only view us as an 'experimental game; all the while hoping that her'boyfriend don't mind it:"
What is so irksome to some lesbians is that Perry's song,
intentionally or not, smacks of the kind of exploitative girl-ongirl kissing, followed by a quick retreat back to heteroville that
is Hollywood's go-to publicity stunt whenever it's time to up
the ratings or boost album sales or rake in box office profits.
So to glorify that kind of entertainment at a weekend meant
to celebrate girls who actually do more than just kiss girls is, at
best, carelessly absurd and, at worst, unimaginably insulting.
Of course, Perry's a bit of an enigma. "Yes,everybody, I have
kissed a girl;' she admits, though despite famously saying that
she'd like to kiss Scarlett Johansson, she's stopped speculating
on girl-girl puckers. "I really kind of stopped telling everybody
who I thought was hot because it becomes [the] next day's
news of like, holy shit, she wants to make out with Scarlett
Johansson, and I'm like, well, not really. I was just kind of
answering their question because she is hot and we all know ....
It takes a certain beautiful, I guess, mermaid:'
As Perry heads off on tour this spring, she's making a crosscountry detour to headline the Club Skirts Dinah Shore
Weekend, one of the biggest lesbian parties of the year, and
it's not just for sensationalism. Perry was one of the top-10
requested artists to play at the Dinah by Dinah fans and
has received praise from fellow Dinah performer and comic
Suzanne Westenhoefer. There she'll be working alongside
some of dykedom's favorite performers, like the Indigo Girls
and Exes and Ohs' Jill Bennett, not to mention other favorite
musical acts like Uh-Huh Her and God-des and She (whose
instructional lesbian anthem "Lick It" is the polar opposite of
"I Kissed a Girl").
"The Dinah Shore event is going to be an amazing event;'
Perry gushes, like the schoolgirl she sounds like in her songs.
'Tm going to be in Palm Springs. It's going to be beautiful.
They just came to me and asked me to play and I felt very
happy about that, playing for a group of beautiful women:'
The booking is further proof that Perry has plenty of
She Kissed a Girl continued on page 63
A i'tera year
andahalfofworkingonher
I
soon~to~be~released new al~
bum, Macy Gray has emerged from the studio ready to play.
First stop: Girl Bar Dinah Shore Week, as a headliner for
their event, "Jungle Fever:' Gray first burst onto the scene in
1999 with her hit single "I Try;' for which she won a Grammy
for Best Female Pop Vocal Performance and an MTV Video
Music Award for Best New Artist. She subsequently released
four albums that brought her modest success, but now she's
poised for a comeback, starting over with a new alter ego,
Nemesis Jaxson and a viral hit, "Slap a Bitch:' The video, which
has created substantial buzz on the Internet is positively
chock~a~block with slappy goodness and even some celebrity
face smackin' (Beware: Bjork is not to be toyed with).
~
So,howdidyouendupheadlining
at GirlBarDinahShore?
[My friend] Nick Chavez, the hairdresser, is really close with
the owner of the bar and he texted me and kind of talked me
into it ... I haven't played in a very long time. That's another rea~
son that I wanted to do it. I did a show in Russia [in] October.
So it's been a [while] for me, so I'm really excited to play. I'd
probably play for a bunch of elephants, if you asked me to.
Whathaveyoubeenupto lately?
Mainly, I've just been working on my album; I've been in this
cave working on [it] for the past year and a hal£
Whatcanyoutell usaboutyournewalbum?
It's like something you've never heard before. It's amazing. I say
that, all modesty aside. I took a long time to figure out what I
wanted to do and where I wanted to come from this time.
Whenwill it beavailable?
Probably this summer, like, late summer, early fall. There's a
song out in Australia called "Can't Hold Back'' that I did with
[Australian artist] Kaz James.
"Slapa Bitch,"was releasedunderthe nameof youralterego,
Nemesis
Jaxson.
Whatcanyoutell usabouther?
Nemesis Jaxson is just like a hot, sexy bitch, you know. Like
a Cleopatra Jones type, a music superhero. All my friends tell
me I have, like, five personalities, so I thought I'd give them
all a name. She's one of them. And I've always liked the name
"Nemesis;' I know it has a negative thing attached to it, but
if you just listen to the word, it's really pretty. And I just put
Jaxson on the back.
Anychancewe'regoingto getto seesomeofyourotherpersonalitiesin thefuture?
[Laughs]I don't know. I just might have to keep those to mysel£
Arethereanyplansfora tourto goalongwiththenewalbum?
Yeah, we're talking about going to Australia in March. I usu~
ally go overseas first and then I come here. So hopefully, by the
end of fall I'll be doing shows here in the States.
You'vealsobeingdoingsomecharityworktoo,right?
Yeal1,I do a lot actually. [Laughs]I always had a special spot in
my heart for kids. I have three kids of my own, and my mom
was a teacher, so I've always been around kids. So anything
having to do with [them], I am down for. I'm [also] really fo~
cused on this thing in Darfur, and I've been going to D.C. to
visit the wounded soldiers in the hospitals. I've really been try~
ing to reach out and do what I can for other people.
Andyouwerealsooneof 0bama'searliestsupporters?
Well, I saw him on television at the [2004 Democratic] con~
vention ... and he gave this amazing speech, and I remember
the things that he said were so inspiring and moving. And I
thought, "You know, that's the guy who should be president:'
[Hurricane] Katrina happened just a little bit after that, and I
Shades of Gray continued on page 63
April 2009
I35
{ToHaveandto Hold}
There Goes the Bride
Coming
outis hard.Coming
outafteryou'vemarrieda manis eventougher.
I REALIZED
I WASGAY
just a few months before I was to walk down the
aisle-with a man. For me, coming out was in two parts. Round one:
explaining that the wedding was off. Round two: explaining why.
The reason was simple. I met a girl. In the two nights I spent with
her, I felt more myself and more understood than I had in my entire
relationship with my fiance. The decision to not go through with
the marriage was the hardest choice I've ever made. I sold my dress
on eBay, fell in love with a woman and told my family I was gayall within a year. I also spent a chunk of my mid 20s throwing up
at home, at work and in various bathrooms and bars. Apparently,
accepting who I was made me sick.
My story is not so unique. Some estimates put the number of gays
and lesbians who have ever been married at around 2 million nation~
wide; some spouses come out after decades of marriage. In most cases,
says Amity Pierce Buxton, whose book, The Other Side of the Closet,
examines the phenomenon, spouses are usually shocked by the revela~
tion. (So was my fiance.) But, in about a third of these marriages, wives
or husbands sense that their partner is somehow struggling.
Experts say chat as homosexuality becomes more socially accepted,
an increasing number of spouses will be coming out. The subject
even made headlines in 2004 when Gov. James E. McGreevey of
New Jersey came out via press conference, his wife at his side, as well
as when WNBA superstar Sheryl Swoopes went public with her
love for her former coach, Alisa Scott, whom she met while she was
married to a man.
Still, information on the subject can be scarce, particularly when
it comes to women. "Married women are a very clandestine group,"
explains Carren Strock, author of the 1998 book Married Women
Who Love Women. The book, which is in its second edition, is based
on interviews Strock conducted with more than 100 women who
ByJamieWetherbe
came out in the context of a heterosexual marriage.
"Some were in therapy for many years without ever telling their
therapists they were gay;' Strock continues. "There is a lot at stake for a
married woman who comes out: possible loss 0£ or estrangement from
children; the loss of family life as she knows it; loss of security, financial
and health; disapproval of family and friends; fear of a new world:'
Strock knows these struggles firsthand. In 1988, after 25 years
of marriage to a man, Strock fell in love with a woman. Although
her affections were unrequited, Strock went on a quest to find out
i£ indeed, she was a lesbian. "There was no reading material and I
began to talk to other women to see how they were making their lives
work," she recalls.
Strock's research prompted her to write Married Women Who
Love Women. "Since the first edition came out, much has changed as
far as us hearing about gays and lesbians," says Strock. "While there
is more acceptance of same~gender relationships, today's women coming
out are still going through the same traumas as their sisters of earlier
years:'
Strock says that finding that same~gender passion for the first time
is often like going through adolescence and that regardless of their
background, "some women come out immediately with little thought
to the consequences. I caution women to take their time-once you
put those words out, they can never be taken back:'
Buxton, also the founder of the Straight Spouse Network, agrees.
"Wives seem to leave their marriages or relationships more quickly
after they come out than do husbands. I usually advise wives to
proceed slowly after they come out, so that their husbands can get
through the shock stage," she says. "Decisions about divorce and
custody made when one spouse feels liberated and the other is still
confused and angry are not likely to be the most rational or fair for
everyone affected:'
As far as the fate of her marriage, what a woman might expect
and what really happens can be quite different. "For some women
determined to divorce once they came out, dialogue with their spouses
became easier and they remained in redefined marriages; other women
who had hoped to remain in their marriages wound up leaving,"
Strock says. "Often the response of a husband or family is totally
unexpected. Spousal feelings can vacillate from supportive to furious
and back again. Women should think about the time it has taken
them to become comfortable with who and what they are and give
family members the chance to do the same:'
I never came out to my former~fiance. Instead he went through
my things while I was away and found out about the other woman.
It's been four years since we've spoken, and his last words to me were
mostly of anger. He was the first person to call me a lesbian. It took
me three years to do the same. And in that time, much of my life
unraveled. But with great loss, came greater abundance. For the first
time, in a long time, I feel complete. And I feel well. ■
~
()
~
~
i
~
~
11 NuptiaNo-Nos
Morethingsto avoidwhenplanningyourbig,fat lesbianwedding.
SO,THEFLOODGATES
HAVEOPENED,
the rush to marry in Connecticut
has begun and you're ready to pick out china. Or maybe you don't
feel the need to travel out of state to seal the deal, but you do want to
hire a florist and proclaim your love for your woman in front of the
people who mean the most to you.
As you plan your wedding/ commitment ceremony/ civil union/
commitzvah/whatever
you're calling it, here are 11 mistakes to
avoid:
► Skipping
the registryprocess.
As it happens with so many happy
events, people are going to want to give you presents. So head to
some stores you love and register for items across a broad price range.
Don't think registries are just for china patterns. Dyke-friendly stores
like REI and Home Depot have registries, too. You never knowsomeone may really want to buy you that circular saw you've had
your eye on. While you may need to relegate one of you to "groom''
status, some stores-such
as the ever popular Macy's-list"partner"
or offer "commitment ceremony" and "celebration" registry options
that are more flexible.
► Mimickingeverythingabouta heterosexual
ceremony.
You may
want to "prove" to your family that your relationship is exactly the
ByRobinMiner-Swartz
same as your brother's hetero marriage, but your relationship is dir
ferent. Celebrate that. Work with your officiant to craft the words to
help you say so in the ceremony.
► Excluding
children.Include them if only for this reason: For the
rest of their lives, they'll be able to tell the story about the first lesbian
wedding they ever attended. Plus, kids love to dance with the bride
at weddings-imagine
how much fun they'll have with two brides.
► Lettingfamilypressureinfluencethe guestlist. No matter how
shiny and happy your universe is, there may be some people who
just aren't all that thrilled about the notion of a same-sex ceremony.
Fine. Your wedding is not the time to convert them. The world will
not come to an end if you don't invite Aunt Marge.
► Hiringsomeone
to dothejobjustbecauseshe'sa lesbian.Yes, "we
are family;' and all that, but don't create stress for yourselves by hiring your best friend's new DJ girlfriend, who wants to throw you
"totally the most rockin' party ever!" then ignores your wishes. You
need to meet with your vendors ahead of time and clearly outline
what you're looking for from their services. Because no matter how
much the DJ likes the song, "Goldigger" probably isn't a great choice
during dinner.
► Assuming
the staff knowswhatyourceremonyis andthat they'll
be fine with it. Asking if everyone working your event knows what
"kind" it is should prevent a situation where a server walks in the
door only to discover he totally disagrees with what you're doing.
► Nothavinga maidof honor.At the very least, you have to have one
or two trusted friends or family members at your beck and call on
the big day. That way, when you're supposed to be getting dressed
and you notice the sound guy hasn't arrived and the table you asked
for under the canopy isn't there, someone else can make sure that job
gets done. And order that person a corsage or a boutonniere to make
them feel special.
► Buyingsomething
becauseit's in "wedding"
packaging.
Ask yourself: Do I really need to pay $60 for a white baseball cap with a veil
attached to it, or can I make my own with a $3 cap, a $4 piece of tulle
and a glue gun?
► Gettingreallydrunkat thereception.
After all your hard work (and
money spent), you're going to want to have great memories of this
day. Or even just memories, period. So ease up on the booze.
► Inviting
yourex(ora tablefulofexes).This could get dicey, especially
if you run in one of those circles that engage in square-dance dating
(everyone's taken a spin with everyone else). So give each other veto
power over former lovers. Then respect each other's decisions.
► Expecting
perfection.
You'll find this tip in any wedding guide, but
it bears repeating: Stuff will go wrong. And probably no one else will
notice. Once the ball starts rolling, all that really matters is, you're
there, your partner's there and you're ready to commit to each other
in front of a room full of people who love you. What could be more
perfect than that? ■
ByKyraThomson
"INEVER
SHOULD
HAVE
LETYOUGOTOENGLAND,"
sobbed my mother
when I returned to Canada after a year abroad and declared my love
for a British woman. It seems irrational to reproach an entire nation
when your daughter comes out of the closet, but it's hardly unreasonable to cast blame on a country when its immigration policy is denying
her the right to live with the person she loves.
When I decided to complete my third year of university overseas, I had no intention of becoming one-half of a binational couple.
However, when Sam knocked on my door to welcome me and introduce hersel£ butterflies erupted in my stomach and I knew right away
my determination to avoid a long-distance relationship was going to
be challenged.
Our love was deepening just as the world was coming to accept
same-sex relationships. Marriage became legal throughout Canada in
2005. And after we both had spent five years traveling back and forth
on a variety of visas, the Canadian government granted Sam permanent residency. She became a landed immigrant (what Canadians call
a permanent resident) on my birthday, and the fact that we will never
be separated again was the greatest possible gift, but it was a bittersweet victory considering that other binational same-sex couples still
lack the basic right to be together.
Although 19 countries now permit legal residents to sponsor their
same-sex partners for residency, the United States is not among them.
According to Immigration Equality, an estimated 35,820 same-sex
binational couples were counted in the 2000 U.S. census, but it is
assumed that these figures miscalculate the reality. Without hope
of gaining recognition under U.S. immigration law, many couples
have been forced either to seek refuge in a more receptive country, to
spend their savings traveling between countries or to remain in the
United States illegally.
"I thank the happy demons of visa fortune every day for not getting Yvette and me into sucha situation;' professes Ursula Schmidt*, a
German author now living in San Francisco with her American partner Yvette Torres.* After meeting online in 1999 through a newsgroup
for lesbians with disabilities, and then in person in 2001, Schmidt and
Torres decided to pursue living together. Rather than find a company
willing to sponsor Schmidt for an Hl work permit, she decided to
apply for the O 1 special ability visa for artists. Both visas expire after
three years, but if you can prove your talent is unique, it is easier to
obtain a green card through the 01 visa.
Since Schmidt had already published three lesbian mysteries in
Germany, her lawyer created the .unique category, lesbian mystery
writer, to improve Schmidt's chances, although an American publisher
still had to petition with her for the visa application. In the mean-
*Somenameswerechanged
uponrequest.
38lcurve
time, Schmidt could stay on a tourist visa for 12-week periods, risking
Partnership Act would have waived the two-year cohabitation
refusal of entry with each visit. In the spring of 2004, as they were
requirement.
about to submit their O 1 visa application, Schmidt unexpectedly won
'i\ccept that it isn't going to be an easy process, especially if one
a slot in the diversity green card lottery, which is a luck-of the-draw
of the couple is a U.S. citizen;' advises Hunter. "You have to really
system awarding 55,000 green cards to
be sure of what you are doing and
some 6 million applicants each year.
totally committed to each other, beSchmidt and Torres beat the odds in
ing patient with each other when the
One way of getting in:
their pursuit of immigration happiness,
hard times hit-and they do:'
Green card lottery. It's a
but for many binational couples, living toHunter also stresses that it is
luck-of-the-draw system,
gether in the States is simply not an option.
important not to give up and to
When Tammy Sullivan, a Texas resident,
explore multiple ways to immigrate.
awarding 55,000 green
first met her British partner, Sally Hunter,
Sullivan and Hunter proactively
cards to some 6 million
through an online support group in April
appealed for changes to immigration
2003, they were both unhappily married
policy, appeared in the documentary
applicants each year.
with children. The couple knew their
ThroughThickand Thin and had their
developing relationship was worth pursustory presented before Congress in
ing, so, after leaving their husbands and finally meeting in England,
support of the Uniting American Families Act. If passed, the UAFA
bill would change the word "spouse" to "permanent partner" in the
they decided to find a way to be together permanently.
Since Hunter's four children were all under 10 years old,
U.S. Immigration and Nationality Act, and allow U.S. citizens and
legal residents in same-sex relationships to sponsor their partners for
Sullivan applied for a UK visa. The UK Civil Partnership
immigration purposes. Although it has not been easy, Sullivan and
Act, which ensures that registered same-sex couples are leHunter are finally living together in Manchester, England, and
gally recognized as equal to married couples, would not
Hunter insists it was well worth the struggle. "I live with my best
come into effect until December 2005. Since they had
friend and soul mate. I have the love and the partner that I have
not yet lived together for the required two years, Sullivan
always dreamt of. Life is harder in many ways, but it is happier:'
applied for a visa through the Highly Skilled Migrant Programme.
I couldn't have said it better myself and, in spite of what my family
Her first application was rejected, but her second application was
thinks, England was the best thing that ever happened to me. ■
approved in the summer of 2005, just months before the Civil
Attorney Oree Callopy, of the Washington, D.C.-based firm Maggio
& Kattar, works with gays and lesbians on immigration cases
concerning asylum (her most recent case involved immigrating a
Brazilian lesbian who was threatened by her ex-boyfriend) and immigration through marriage. But with some states legalizing samesex marriage and COMA still in existence, things can get mighty
complicated. Callopy helps us clear up some issues. [KatiePeoples]
It comesto immigration?
Therearea lotof provisions
wheretheytry to
preventmarriage
fraud,soyouhaveto provethat
you'rea legitimate
coupleandthatyoulivetoyou'vecombined
yourassets,
thatyoufile
Massachusetts
andtheymarrytheirforeign- gether,
Whatkindsof roadblocks
dogaycouples
your
taxes
together,
both
your
names
areonyour
national
partner
and
then
try
to
bring
them
faceIn Immigration
thatare differentfrom
property,
on
either
car
titles
or
mortgages,
leases
to
Massachusetts,
then
immigration
would
the onesstraightcouplesface?
for property,
thosesortsof things.So,yes,every
recognize
it?
Well,for instance,
for marriage-based
benefitshasto beverywelldocumented,
with
Youneverknowwithimmigration,
unfortunately, relationship
immigration
benefits-if a U.S.citizenmarries
photos,
as
well
as
correspondence.
what
they
are
going
to
do.
That's
a
big
challenge
somebody,
a foreignnational,
usuallythebenefits
Whatwill Improvegaycouples'chancesof
in ourjob,butI wouldguessthatit would-that
areonlyallowedor available
to coupleswhocan
to the UnitedStates?
couldbefiledandtheywouldgenerate bringingtheirspouses
provethattheyarelegallymarried.
So,obviously, petitions
I thinkmoreandmorelegislation
needsto be
caselawandcontroversy.
thatbenefitis notavailable
to gayandlesbian
passed,
and
I
think
right
now
the
push
shouldbe...
Does
It
help
to
have
these
sorts
of
relacouples,
astheirmarriages
in moststatesarenot
lobbying
Congress
and
trying
to
get
discrimination
tlonshlps
documented-like
a
domestic
seenaslegalin theUnitedStates.
partnership,
clvilunionor marriage-when againstthesegroupseliminated.
ButIf somebody
Is a residentIn
April 2009 I 39
{ToHaveandto Hold}
WeddingMarch
-1i6QWJll1Wi■•iiiillii•llii!l•l1i•Wliliiliffllt ByAlisonWalkley
I
ON OCT.10, 2008, the Connecticut Supreme
Court voted 4 to 3 in favor of the plaintiffs
in Kerrigan and Mock v. Connecticut Dept.
of Public Health. Beth Kerrigan and Jodie
Mock (right) of West Hartford brought their
case for marriage equality against the state's
Department of Public Health in 2004. The
decision solidifies Connecticut as the second
state ( third if you count California, see page
43) in the nation, after Massachusetts, to
legalize same-sex marriage.
Kerrigan and Mock were one of eight couples in the state to file the lawsuit with the help
of Gay & Lesbian Advocates & Defenders, the
legal group responsible for the lawsuits that led to marriage equality
in Massachusetts in 2004 and civil unions in Vermont in 2000.
"It was a mutual decision, quick and easy;' Kerrigan said of becoming involved in the case. "We re ecstatic to be a part of such a landmark
decision. Of course, we didn't know we'd win at first, but even being a
part of it is a privilege:'
Though the couples involved each had different reasons for fighting
for equality, Kerrigan said, "We wanted our kids to feel as included in
society as any child. Civil unions gave us the rights we deserved, but
they weren't inclusive. It was divisive as well. We say that marriage is
just a word, but if it was just a word, they'd give it to us:'
On the morning of the decision, Kerrigan remembers, "It was overwhelming. I don't think we had realized how much the whole thing
was weighing on us. Ir was so emotional. Jody and I were on the
Internet trying to read the decision, getting through the legal terms
and everything. I was calling our lawyer when the Associated Press
called for our reaction. They said, 'You've won!' and I asked, J\re you
sure?' Our attorneys said, 'Yes, we won; and we tearfully embraced.
There were a lot of tears:'
According to the majority opinion in the case, written by Justice
Richard N. Palmer, "Interpreting our state constitutional provisions
in accordance with firmly established equal protection principles leads
inevitably to the conclusion that gay persons are entitled to marry
the otherwise qualified same sex partner of their choice. To decide
otherwise would require us to apply one set of constitutional principles to gay persons and another to all ochers. The guarantee of equal
protection under the law, and our obligation to uphold chat command,
forbids us from doing so:'
One of the organizations with a direct hand in the achievement is Love
MakesaFamily(LMAF),anoffshootofthenationalEqualityFederation,
which was formed in the fall of 2000 to fight for second-parent
adoption in Connecticut.
"We have to keep fighting to protect it;' Anne Stanback, LMAF's
executive director, said of the state's decision. "We're not taking any40
I curve
thing for granted:'
To be sure, after the court decision
conservative groups like the Family
Institute of Connecticut raised their voices loud enough to get a question onto the
Nov. 4 ballot regarding a constitutional
convention to amend the state constitution. Luckily, Connecticut citizens voted
resoundingly against it.
"I feel fortunate to be living in a state
chat recognizes our right to marry;'
Kerrigan said. "I couldn't believe I would
see this is my lifetime, after living in the
closet for so long:' Kerrigan and Mock
applied for their marriage license the first day that same-sex couples
were allowed to do so in Connecticut, Nov. 12.
For everyone else in the nation still awaiting their marriage victories, Kerrigan said, "I look at some states and wonder if I'll see them
legalize marriage in my lifetime. Some places are just intolerant. Hang
in there and fight with love as opposed to anger:' ■
You want the day you commit
the rest of your life to your partner to be green, but the caterer
is killing you on the dinnerware
charges-what to do? Check
out 100 percent renewable plant
material dinnerware by Verterra.
It biodegrades in two to six
months, but before it does it'll
impress the in-laws. Fair trade,
simple and compostable-sure
beats using paper plates, which
end up in landfills. ($8 and up,
verterra.com)
If you want a special way to say
"thank you," try sending a message in a bottle. Urbanity has
come up with a way to send the
bottle through the regular mail. You print your personalized note on the paper, roll it into a scroll and secure it
with a ribbon. Then fill out the cute mailing label, affix
a stamp and it's ready to go. The messages are a great
way to invite people to your wedding, too. ($4 and up,
urbanity-studios.com) [RachelBeebeand HeatherGilligan]
The Case
Against
Proposition
8
IN SEPTEMBER
2008, Christina Amini and Elspeth Stowell stood
side-by-side under the carved rotunda in San Francisco's City Hall.
Amini wore a glistening white dress, Stowell a gray suit. Friends and
family listened as a judge proclaimed, "By the power vested in me by
the State of California, I now pronounce you ... spouses for life:'
"When he said those words, I realized how much weight
the ceremony actually had;' says Amini. "I didn't expect to be
moved, but it was really meaningful to be there in City Hall:'
fn
~ This was their second ceremony, but their first to be recognized
Cl)
e. by the state. Amini and Stowell are just one of 18,000 same; sex couples who are legally wed in California. But with the
~ passage of Proposition 8 the legality of their marriage, and the
Cl)
ti! future of same-sex marriages in California, is uncertain. Prop. 8,
0
8 which redefined the state constitution to include the words "Only
w
F marriage between a man and a woman is valid or recognized in
' California;' won by a 5 percent margin, shocking many residents
who thought it unlikely that a conservative measure would pass
~ in their liberal-leaning state, especially with opponents like the
California NAACP, the United Farm Workers, the California
ffi Teachers Association and dozens of congregations. With the
~
~ exception of the 2008 presidential race, more money was spent on
~ the Prop. 8 campaigns than on any other political objective nation~ wide. And the costly and lengthy battle continues. Those fighting
to reinstate our right to marry are focusing their attention on three
§.
i
[l_
i
~
aspects of the case:
~
w
~ ► TheMinorityvs.theMajority
!
One tenet of the constitution is to protect the rights of the minority from the will of the majority. Opponents of Prop. 8-which
ti include the ACLU, Lambda Legal and the National Center for
a:
~ Lesbian Rights (NCLR)-filed
a petition on Nov. 5, challenging
~ Prop. 8 on the grounds that it violated "the constitution's core
~ commitment to equality for all by eliminating a fundamental right
15 from just one group:' Shannon Minter, legal director of the NCLR,
explains it this way: "If a majority can strip away fundamental
rights from a minority, then there would be no point to having a
~ constitution in the first place:' And it's not just civil rights groups
~ who agree. Last December, Attorney General Jerry Brown, who
~ was expected to uphold Prop. 8, suggested it be overturned on the
gw
i
!
grounds that it allowed the majority to take away our "inalienable"
constitutional rights.
► A Revision
vs.anAmendment
Those fighting Prop. 8 believe it never should have been on the
ballot in the first place. The argument: Prop. 8 is a radical change
to the constitution and should be considered a revision, rather than
a simple amendment; a revision requires a 4-3 majority within the
state legislature and cannot be decided by the voters. "In a nutshell,
what we are arguing is that the supporters of 8 didn't go about this
in the right way;' says Jason Howe, senior public information officer
for Lambda Legal. "Revising the constitution is a bigger job than just
amending it:'
► Grandfathered
In?
Beyond confronting the constitutionality of the initiative, a decision
needs to be made regarding same-sex marriages performed before
Nov. 4. Will Stowell and Amini still be recognized as "spouses for lifet
Proponents of Prop. 8 say no. They believe the language of the amendment ("is valid" instead of "will be valid") implies that all same-sex
marriages, past or future, will not be recognized by the state. In a brief
filed by the Yeson 8 campaign, the group stated that the initiative's"plain
language encompasses both pre-existing and later-created same-sex
(and polygamous) marriages, whether performed in California or elsewhere. With crystal clarity, it declares that they are not valid or recognized in California:' But Howe disagrees. "We think they are valid;' he
says.''A law has to explicitly state that it is retroactive. This one doesn't.
You can't tell someone something they did is illegal after the fact:'
► What'sNext?
The California Supreme Court agreed to hear oral arguments on
both sides and a decision about reinstating marriage for all could
come this spring or summer. Both the NCLR and Lambda Legal are
optimistic that Prop. 8 will be overturned. "Our arguments are pretty
strong;' says Howe. "We're very hopeful the court will strike down
Prop. 8 and restore the freedom to marry for same-sex couples;' adds
Minter. And when our right to marry is reinstated, Amini says that
if it's necessary, she and Stowell will happily make their make way to
the steps of City Hall again. ■
April 2009
I41
{ToHaveandto Hold}
Hostie Territory
ByMarcieBianco
WHILEHEADWAY
IS BEINGMADEin the struggle towards marriage
equality for ordinary gays and lesbians, the fate of marriage equality
for queers serving in the armed forces has often been overlooked.
Regardless of the success of marriage equality initiatives in several states, both the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy and the Uniform
Code of Military Justice-specifically Article 125 on sodomy, which
states that a person can be discharged for "unnatural carnal copulation with a person of the same or opposite sex" -render
gay
marriage for military service personnel legally impossible. Indeed,
the success of marriage equality only complicates matters for LGBT
service members.
Even if Congress passes federal legislation in favor of marriage
equality, the third proviso of"Don't Ask, Don't Tell" ("that the member has married or attempted to marry a person known to be of
the same biological sex") would still deny a lesbian service member's
right to marry-·or"attempt
to marry" (whatever that means)-her
partner.
Currently, the Subcommittee on Military Personnel in the
House of Representatives is considering "The Military Readiness
Enhancement Act" (HR 1246), which was proposed by former
Congressman Marty Meehan (D-Mass.) to repeal"Don't Ask, Don't
Tell:' However, the act does not explicitly address the issue of gay
partnership or marriage, nor does it address the UCMJ's article on
sodomy. Its only objective is to allow LGBT members to serve "openly" in verbal terms. As the Servicemembers Legal Defense Network
explains on its website, "The Military Readiness Enhancement Act
42
Icurve
would not create a right to benefits for same-sex
partners or spouses, because under current federal law such benefits would violate the federal
Defense of Marriage Act:'
What the Readiness Act effectively means
is that a service member can say that she is a
lesbian, but she cannot claim her partner as her
spouse. Consequently, her partner is not entitled
to any of the benefits afforded to heterosexual
servicemembers' spouses that help them acclimate to and to assist them in their military life
(aside from the 1,138 benefits of marriage listed
in the U.S. Government Accountability Office
report).
For readers unfamiliar with the military, just
imagine a military base as a commune in which
all basic needs are made available at low or no
cost. As outlined by the Department of Defense,
military service members and their dependents
who live on-base or off-base are privy to many
benefits like housing, healthcare, child care,
groceries, college classes and travel. And the
military issues identification cards, or Common Access Cards, to
spouses in order to gain access to buildings on base. For instance,
you need to present your CAC at checkout when shopping at the
commissary, simply to purchase goods.
Since LGBT servicemembers cannot officially list their partners
as their spouses under "Don't Ask, Don't Tell;' they are unable to
take advantage of these benefits, which, viewed collectively, have a
large financial effect on LGBT military families.
In the Readiness Act lies a subtle echo of that infuriatingly
paradoxical Christian doxa, "hate the sin, but love the sinner:'
Verbally identifying as a lesbian is deemed satisfactory because
claiming an identity is a nonsexual act. Any suggestion of being
sexually active, however-such
as having a partner-is
considered
too threatening.
The continued neglect of the real lives of LGBT servicemembers
is debilitating to servicemembers and their partners.
Critics say ignorance of both the symbolic and the material
consequences of inequality has resulted in a lackadaisical and
indifferent approach to LGBT issues by politicians. They argue
that those in the LGBT community need to emphasize that legal
equality is more than a symbolic gesture; Otherwise, the government will continue to fail us.
Regardless of how many states legalize same-sex marriage,
DOMA and "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" function in tandem with one
another, and without the full repeal of both, LGBT service members
will continue to be forced into the closet. ■
~
~
~
0
0
I
X
a:
Hotdesigners
createweddingcouture,lesbianstyle.
ByStephanie
Schroeder
LEATHER
AND LACEare popping up in bridal wear this year-and
it's not just about leather for butches and lace for femmes. Lesbianfriendly designers like AlphaChix and Birnbaum & Bullock are
making bold statements with everything from traditional Chantilly
gowns to biker babe leather bustiers.
When AlphaChix founder Christi Kapp entered the biker world
§' in 2005, she decided to create a wedding concept around leather and
~ lace. Kapp designed two special leather garments-a cream leather
::)
~ bustier with cream lace and a black leather tuxedo. Shortly thereaf
~ ter, she created brands for both men's and women's leather apparel.
<I'.
~ AlphaChix is, says Kapp, "for the strong, successful, sexy woman:'
1B. Kapp's garments are based on the original leather tuxedo, but re~
w
visioned for women-in fact,
a:
~
the leather vests and bustiers
~
she recently introduced were
Cl)
~
modeled in a fashion shoot by
a:
j
her queer friends in Florida.
~
The vests, she says, are com>a:
a:
fortable to inhabit as bridal
~
~
wear, for bartending or just for
I
CJ
<I'.
fun. The tails are made to be
I
~
zipped off for not-so-formal
'.!,
0..
0..
occasions and can be dressed
~
up with a camisole or worn
ci
with a formal tuxedo shirt.
~
cc
I
For something a little lacier,
CJ
we love Steven Birnbaum and Robert Bullock-gay men who design
bridal wear for their label, Birnbaum & Bullock in New York City.
Their 2008-'09 collection features Chantilly, a delicate single-layer
sheer lace. (Most commercial lace you see today is Alern;on lace, an
applique of one lace over another.) And while their designs are feminine they are far from cookie-cutter and heteronormative.
"These days, it's about being inclusive and embracing diversity;'
says Birnbaum. "It's very important to take weddings and bridal wear
out of the realm of an exclusive club and transform marriage into a
celebration between two people, no matter who they are. We need
to take gay people out of the specialty realm and integrate them into
everyday life:'
Their collection ranges from modest designs, for women who
desire less revealing outfits, for religious reasons, to short bubble
skirts and form-fitting mermaid styles. And their alternative sizing
recognizes a range of female sizes and shapes, believing a size 0 is just
as alternative as a size 20. They also use a diverse mix of models in
their shows and ad campaigns.
These two designers are perfect for the lesbian couple starting
their married lives and going off into the sunset. ■
The Tune "Leather and Lace" by Stevie Nicks and Don
Henley hit No. 6 on the U.S. pop charts in January 1982.
What song will you play at your wedding? Send your
playlistto letters@curvemag.com.
April 2009
I43
Girl Toy or Boy Toy?
One lesbian mom struggles to teach her kids that gender is a spectrum,
despite the best efforts of America's toymakers. By Beren deMotier
I was having a "mood" recently-my
wife was out of
town, the Oregon monsoon
season had kept the kids and
me cooped up and cooking for
them in that state seemed like
a really bad idea, something
that could end with me going out for beer and cigarettes
and never coming back. So
we went to Burger King instead. Not the best nutritional
choice, but less damaging than
reckless abandonment. When
I'd spit out my order, including the kid's meal for the
6-year-old, the voice from the
drive-through speaker asked,
"Would you like the girl toy
or the boy toyt
I couldn't
swear (because there were kids in the car), but I might have
launched into an oration on the dual-gender system,
stereotyping and compulsory heterosexuality, if it had
just been the teenagers with me. They've heard it all
before. So I asked for the truck instead of the doll, refusing
to assign a gender to a toy.
It's been like that lately-I've encountered a barrage of toybased bias while searching for our little guy's birthday presents online. I've been shopping at Amazon instead of Target
because searching by gender is only one of dozens of ways to
find a toy on Amazon's site, while at Target.com, boy versus
girl is first on the list. But even at Amazon I saw pink-bucket
Tinker Toys and Legos labeled "designed especially for girls;'
and realized the world hasn't changed as much as I hoped.
I'd been so oblivious-living in our liberal bubble, shopping
at independent toy stores that wouldn't dare assign gender to
a toy for fear of being mobbed by tattooed vegans carrying
pitch forks and flaming tiki torches. I'm part of a community
whose parents brag about schools where boys feel free to wear
pink and two-mom families are as common as dirt. And it
seemed like our older kids came out of the womb shunning
stereotypes, suspicious of commercials and questioning authority. They think gender stereotyping is stupid.
Our daughter is particularly livid on this issue, probably
because she was deluged with dolls between the ages of 1 and
4, when she discreetly disavowed any interest in humanlike
playthings and shoved the offending toys into a plastic bin
under her bed. She was also the reluctant recipient of three
tea sets, two doll strollers, several Barbies and a boatload of
ice cream-colored plastic food, which later became a popular
item to pelt other kids with.
Instructions Not Included
THE
PERFECT
BABY
HANDBOOK
A G111drfor fattrfflttl)'
MollNUJ ,.,nu
~.,.,,
i
...._ ..... "--"~f--...
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,1 .. r-~
,._,._,.......,,.,._Ull,
Siftingthroughthestacksof bookson
conception,
pregnancy
andparentingto findtheonesthatareactually
worththeirpriceonAmazon
is damn
nearimpossible-especially
for a
familywithtwo mommies.
Thereare
enoughguidebooks
outthereto keep
youbusywellpasttheagewhenyour
eggsareviable,butthese
twocaughtoureye.The
PerfectBabyHandbook:
,..,.,
A guideforExcessively
Motivated
Parents
byDale
Hrabi(Harper
Collins)
is
justwhatyouneedwhen
thecrushing
senseof
..
te4•-'di
(_.wr1i..11t!)
responsibility
youfeelwhencreating
a lifegetsyoudown.Thisspoofon
traditional
babyguidebooks
(anda
certainkindof overprotective,
affluent
parent)offersadviceoneverything
from
"Thethinlinebetween
'cute'and'cruel'
babyhats"to "Howto readyourbaby's
thoughtsbyscrutinizing
herobsessively,"notto mentionhelpfulsections
on
naming,baby-proofing
andco-pooping.
A moderate
heterosexual
bias(diagrams
thatfeatureDaddyandMommy)
is offsetbythefactthatit'll makeyoulaugh
outloudbypage5. TheRookie
Mom's
Handbook
bysupermoms
Heather
Gibbs
FlettandWhitney
Moss(QuirkBooks)
is a moreearnest,
morepastelattempt
to givefirst-timemothers
adviceon
keeping
themselves
healthy.
Organized
bymonth(beginning
withbirth),this
guidesuggests
250activities
thatwill
keepyouandyourbabycontentthrough
maternity
leaveandbeyond.
Whilesome
suggestions,
likeNo.23 (master
some
one-handed
tasks),mightbeuseful
others,likeNo.17(pretend
you'rein
Paris),
justseemsilly.Allin all,the
presumption
thebookmakes-thatall
newmothers
needhelpbeinghappyis a littlecondescending
andalsoa little
frightening
to thispotential
rookiemom.
[RAcHa
BEEBE]
g
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a:
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0
0
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44
I curve
Our older son suffered the usual tunnel vision of the
adults around him with good grace, never really that into
the cars, sports equipment or various aggressive action figures that showed up on birthdays or Christmas. To be fair,
he wasn't all that into the dolls we gave him when he was
little either, and he never"played house"-he was too busy
constructing life-size rainforests out of cut paper to worry
about domestic chores.
But it was obvious to us before any of them were born
that most store-bought toys are sociological tools-my
wife's disappointment when her little brother got the Big
Wheel she'd been begging for is imbedded permanently
in her brain. Toys are intended to cement traditional gender roles and homogenize American youth. My wife and I
try not to be rude about this at birthday parties, skipping
speeches on stereotypes or pointing the finger of blame
at anyone for supporting gender polarity. We taught our
kids that it's the thought that counts ( the one about pleasing the recipient, not the one chanting "conform, conform,
conform'') and that exchanging later is OK.
Because parents are the main influence on how much
impact gendered toys have on kids, the real question is, do
the parents talk about who can play with a toy and how
it is played with? Not surprisingly, in my experience the
only discernible difference between kids raised by samesex parents and heterosexual parents is that one group is
more open-minded about lifestyles, blamed by some on
our refusal to buy gender-specified toys or insist on "gender-appropriate" play. (Who knew open-mindedness was
such a bad thing?)
Our literal, littlest boy is prey to any and all clever
commercials. He is one of the reasons we are so glad we
turned off the TV years ago. At Grandma's house, he sees
advertisements persuading him that every boy needs an
all-terrain RC and camouflage commando gear to make
his life complete. We must detox him after every visit and
dispute the stereotypes he comes home spouting, assuring
him that girls like Bob the Builder, too, and boys do play
dress-up.
But only a cruel person continues to supply unwanted
playthings in an effort to influence a child, and there are
toys in our house I never thought we'd see--:-our nontruck-craving, rainforest boy has become a Nerf-gun toting, violent-videogame player who wants world peace, and
my Internet searches that rainy day were for Lego robotic
warriors wielding laser swords to add to our little guy's
~
~
~
collection.
Hopefully, by the time our three kids are socially conscious adult consumers, gender will be acknowledged as
a wide spectrum, and toys will be available in a variety of
colors for kids to choose from, without having to buy in to
sickly-sweet or testosterone-fueled visions of childhood,
~
~ or drink the Kool-Aid, to get t he toy. ■
(/)
Buildinga Family
Lesbians, it seems, can be tenacious when it comes to creating families of
their own choosing. But, regardless of what we see on television, creating-or adopting-children
isn't easy. Which is why Victoria Ferrara, a
family and divorce lawyer in Fairfield, Conn., founded Creating Families,
LLC, in early 2008. A surrogacy matching agency, Creating Families
provides legal representation
and counseling in the legal
areas of family planning and
building, including surrogacy,
assisted reproductive technology and both domestic and
international adoption. Ferrara
now helps queers and straight
folks from around the globe to
start families.
Whydid you decideto focuson
reproductive
law?
I think because of my own personal experience. Being gay and
having a baby through invitro
[fertilization] with my partner made me see the process couples go through firsthand. Our second baby we adopted, which was a
whole different experience. I've always made myself available to the gay
community, since I began my law firm. It made sense to couple that interest with my legal work.
Whyis it importantthatserviceslikeyoursareavailableto lesbians?
It facilitates our being able to create families and have children that we
wouldn't be able to otherwise. It means that there are all of these wanted
children who are so loved and able to be brought up in the world.
Whatadvicewouldyougivea couplewhoarethinkingaboutstartinga familythroughsurrogacy?
I'd suggest they talk to other couples that have gone through similar
experiences. Gather as much information as possible from the Internet
and converse with a lawyer who specializes in the field. Make sure you
get the right advice from a clinic or good professionals. We want to make
sure you have a good surrogacy journey and a positive experience.
Doyouhavemorequeerclientsthanheterosexual
clients?
It's pretty balanced. At the beginning, I saw more same-sex couples because that's how I became known in the field. But it's equally important
for straight couples where the woman can't carry a baby or doesn't have
an egg available.
Withsame-sexmarriageslowlybecoming
legalized,
howdoyouexpectyour
business
to be affected?
I think it will be positively affected. More gay couples are looking for
advice on getting married. I've already had some questions about the difference between civil unions and marriage and how to turn one into the
other. Unfortunately, this also means that there will be more same-sex
divorces as well. [AlisonWalkley]
April 2009
I45
PregoInterrupted
Andrea Askowitz, author of My Miserable Lonely Lesbian Pregnancy, sounds off
about the 1O things she didn't expect while expecting.
Ifit'sa boy
1'111
ton, betwee"the"a111es
Sebastia"
a"dRafael.
starring
6ffi'il1JMlillflfil!.i!il
ffllmmrno~· - - • • -•
ThatI wouldhatebeingpregnant.
No one told me pregnancy
was miserable. I didn't even know misery was an option. My
gynecologist told me that about 20 percent of all pregnant
women experience depression. When she said, "The fetus is
the ultimate parasite;' I fell in love with her.
ThatI wouldhavea bionicsenseofsmell.My sense of smell was
so strong, I could tell what deodorant people were wearing.
My best friend wore Tom's of Maine. So natural, it smelled
like rotting carrots. This was a talent I wished I didn't have.
Thatit wouldbesohardto getlaid.My friend Ravi told me that
people kill to have sex with pregnant women. For the first seven months, I didn't want to, but once the hormones kicked in,
I was turned on like never before. And I didn't discriminate:
The woman who made rice-art on the beach, my yoga teacher,
the male photographer who worked upstairs-anyone would
do. No one complied.
ThatI wouldhatemyfriends.
Just lost
my taste for them.
Thatstrangers
wouldthinkI wasstraight
and how that wouldpissme off. It
makes sense, in retrospect. I was pregnant, after all, and I know that most
people get that way through manwoman coitus. Still, I didn't want anyone misunderstanding me.
A woman at a dinner party asked
me about my husband. I said, 'Tm a
lesbian:'
"Sorry for assuming;' she said. "Is
46 Icurve
your partner here?"
"I don't have a partner:'
A woman at a single-lesbian mixer looked up from my belly
and said, "Excuse me, this is a lesbian parry:'
I said, "I know:'
She said, "Well, who's the father?"
"Donor number 3342;' I said.
ThatI wouldpeein mypants.I was holding grocery bags, one
in each hand, when I sneezed. I'm not talking a little squirt on
my underwear, I'm saying a huge circle that soaked through
my pants.
Thattherewassucha thingasa mucusplug.This is a cork-like
substance that protects the uterus from the outside world. I'd
never heard of it. Then, during labor, my midwife leaned me
over to give me an enema. I stood up and a brown blob of
slime came out of my body and landed on the bathroom floor.
My midwife said it was probably the mucus plug and wiped
it up with toilet paper. She smelled it to make sure. It was the
mucus plug.
Thatlaborwouldhurtthatbad.I mean, come on!
Thatdepression
is realandserious.
It didn't matter that I had
enough money, loving friends and a supportive family, or that
I got pregnant on the second try and that pregnancy was all I
ever wanted-I could complain indefatigably.
Thatbeinga singlemomdoesnotmeanneverhavinga partner
again.Turns out lesbians are not afraid of a woman with a
baby. Walking around with a baby in tow is even better than
a puppy. ■
Uncovering Hawaii's
hidden gay history.
By Carlie Partridge
H
~
~
5
~
g;
~
AWAIi IS, without a doubt, a cultural crazy-quilt,
a patchwork of immigrants stitched together by
tourism. The fabled Hawaiian hospitality is alive
and well, although often contorted by the overpolished marketing schemes of hotels, resorts and other establishments
poised to profit from it. Aloha is a mega-industry, and it sells
everything from hula-girl lighters and coconut monkeys to
helicopter rides and honeymoons. The legendary paradise
of Hawaii is known in every corner of the world, conveyed
through tiki coasters, mai tais and images of technicolor
sunsets. And the tourism doesn't thrive on nothing: Hawaii
is a place of wonder, fantasy and glaring paradox. Of course,
"Come relax in our sand and encounter glaring paradox" is not
fodder for brochures, but if you stay long enough-or look
honestly enough-you're bound to find it.
The main islands of the Hawaiian archipelago ( there are
seven inhabited ones), are a place where gays, lesbians and
transgender individuals have a long history of acceptance
and integration (not just tolerance). This started long before
1993, when Hawaii almost became the first state to legalize same-sex marriage. Historically, indigenous Hawaiian
culture did not stigmatize same-sex relationships. Like the
people of other Pacific Islander cultures, t h e pre-missionary
Hawaiians accepted lesbian partnerships as well gay male
partnerships and mahus (trans women). In face, the famed
King Kamehameha of the Kingdom of Hawaii famously
had an ai-kane-a male lover. Gay women, as well as married women with gay lovers, were free from kapus (taboos)
on sex and free from cultural shame-much to the chagrin
of the zealous Christian missionaries who arrived in around
1820, armed with their gospels of salvation and their gender
anxiety.
Here lies the first whiff of paradox. The incoming
Christians were met with that now-famous Hawaiian hospitality, that come-hither sincerity and charm, and managed to
apply some of their internalized homophobia co the islander
culture, which found itself in a sudden clash of values:
The missionaries left their mark on Hawaiian culture, and
to this day the social dislocation they caused casts its shadow.
While there is still acceptance among native Hawaiians, the
acceptance is enmeshed in a broader culture that has been
influenced by immigrants. East Asians constitute over 60 percent of Hawaii's population-they
represent cultures where
a generally more conservative atmosphere toward the expression of sexual identity prevails. There is a shyness about public
intimacy in general, let alone gay snuggling. Even within the
city limits of Honolulu, a metropolis of 900,000 people, it is
unusual to see openly gay couples in most neighborhoods.
There is a subtle but permeating atmosphere of restraint.
Thankfully, there are sparkling exceptions. Waikiki is a
restraint-free zone. Lip-locked ladies are a dime a dozen, and
there's no shortage of lesbian-run surf schools, boat rides and
dive shops. Waikiki is the Vegas of the South Pacific, with
its strip of hotels and parallel strip of drug dealers and other
riff-raff. Its throbbing nightclubs and its ritzy shopping malls
are indistinguishable from those on
Rodeo Drive. Sin, sex and sand circulate
through Waikiki, where hotels are consistently at capacity. Like the hula girl
and her beckoning hips, Waikiki is altogether alluring and undeniably sensual.
The weather is perfect, the vibe is a mischievous reggae-house music fusion and
women look amazing when sun-kissed
and sea-tossed. Not to mention enveloped in that thin, scrumptious layer of
salt after an afternoon in the ocean.
Waikiki is the epicenter of gay nightlife, boasting several clubs. The most
famous is Hula's Bar and Lei Stand-a
nice place to "get buzzed or get lei'd," as
the locals say. Hula's is a laid-back mixture of locals and tourists, with a consistent lesbian clientele. After a buzz at
Stephanie Lay and
Cathy Hurley,regulars Hula's, many head to Angles, which offers an open-air lanai
at Honolulu'sroving and dance floor, taking advantage of Honolulu's year-round
lesbian club night,
DowneTowne 82-degree weather. There are drag shows of all kinds at
Fusion, and booze-cruises on the lesbian-owned Rainbow
Charters, which depart not far from Hula's. It's a compact and
friendly scene, low on brooding hipsters and high on conversation and fruity rum drinks. Ladies-only bars are few, however, several having popped on and off the gaydar in the past
several years. The Black Garter Cafe is still in business, but is
relocating. It also supports a production company promoting
lesbian events.
Waikiki blazes brightly against the majesty of Diamond
Head, a long-dormant volcano and a testament to the raw,
natural power of Hawaii's volcanic landforms. "Pele Is
Coming," reads a popular bumper sticker, referring to the
creator-destroyer goddess of fire, whose legendary hair created the land itsel£ And Pele is everywhere, even in Waikiki,
as touristy torches line the streets and orchestrated fire-dancers blaze along the beaches. Pele always promises her guests
excitement, which is rampant in Waikiki, as well as in other
neighborhoods.
Honolulu's Chinatown is an up-and-coming urban enclave
of underground art and fashion and a rising counter-cultural
flow, all nestled in the belly of a bustling fish market. By day,
the markets of Chinatown offer a flurry of fresh fruits, vegetables and herbal cure-alls, including all manner of virility
talismans (rats, lizards, etc.). By night, Chinatown features
some trendy nightclubs, frequented more by locals than by
tourists. A thriving lesbian arts community shows its colors
once a month during the First Friday Chinatown Art Walks,
48
Icurve
as well as at the poetry-slam and open-mic scene. The Sunday
night open-mic gathering at Ong King Arts Center aims to
bring fringe groups of local actors, poets, musicians and artists together to create a local urban culture.
But, for those looking for something less urban, there's a
convenient handful of other islands to explore. Pele's House,
for example, is on the island of Hawaii-called the Big Island
so as not to confuse it with the state. Pele lives in a caldera near
the snow-capped Mauna Kea peak, on the island that boasts
over 25 microclimates, given its large expanse and a variety of
elevations. The land is alive on the Big Island-visitors can
literally watch the island grow as molten lava steams its way
into the sea.
For more of a hippie vibe, the island of Maui offers several gay nights in towns from Kihei to Lahaina, though it
has a much smaller sampling of bars than Waikiki. There is a
closer-knit yet inviting lesbian community here. Maui also offers several charming gay bed-and-breakfast options. Be sure
to check out Maui's upcountry region, an unlikely fusion of
cowboy-cowgirl culture and island attitude, where "howdy"
and "hang loose'' are uttered in the same sentence.
Dotted with sleepy resort towns, Kauai, the Garden Isle, is
the oldest, and therefore the most verdant of the main islands.
This is the place for romance, instrospection and healing. This
is where you go to hold hands as the sun sets, birds sing and
whales dance. Kauai also features what many world travelers
have called the most beautiful place on the planet-the Na
Pali cliffs.
The other three inhabited islands are small and, of those,
only Molokai and Lanai are accessible by plane ( the tiny
Ni'ihau has a population ofless than 300 and visitors are prohibited). Today, Lanai is a popular scuba destination but long
ago it was home to the leper colony where Father Damien
lived. Molokai is considered a "last bastion" of the authentic
native Hawaiian lifestyle, and its website promises that you'll
"see riotous rainbows and nature's bounty:'
The strange paradox of the modern lesbian community
in Hawaii brings to mind a Hawaiian proverb: "No rain, no
rainbows:' It's not perfect, but it's pretty. It's a relaxed, safe and
beautiful place to be gay. It's laid-back and a little uptight, it's
slow and it's fast, it's cheerful and it's serious. It's sunny and
rainy, and there are rainbows everywhere. ■
OVERCOMING
JETLAG
In four decadesof travelingoverseas,
I've learnedall aboutjetlag.Thebestcureis this:Soonafterlandingin a newtime zone,
immerseyourselfin waterandhavean orgasm.(Note:you
don'thaveto do bothat the sametime.)Theimmersion-in a
hottub,in the ocean,in the hotelpoolor evenin a bathtub-rehydratesyourskinandyoursoulfromthe long,dry flight from
home.Theorgasmjolts yourbodyclockandit cheersyouup.
Thenext-bestcurefor jetlagwhenyoutravelto Hawaiiis
a water massagefrom DennisMillerof SpaPurein Waikiki.
Doneoutdoorsin the WylandHotel'swarm,privatepool,the
treatmentis a yin-yangswirl massage,
very looseandloosen-
MAUI ANDHappiness is cavorting with wild
dolphins and flying down the side
of a volcano. By Gillian Kendall
WE NEVER EXPECTED to swim with wild dolphins.
Although, like a lot of lesbians, my partner and I feel connected to our marine-mammal cousins, and although she
once paid good money to swim with a captive-despite my
hearty disapproval-we actually went to Maui for the bike
ride. My athletic beloved had discovered a 29-mile downhill
cruise from the top of Haleakala Crater. There is no huffing
out of breath-not
even any pedaling down this active volcano-and afterward, they take you to a historic winery for
lunch. This was a bike trip even I could enjoy.
Unfortunately, as we planned our trip, we heard that the
wonderful ride had been cancelled for "security reasons;'
which I supposed meant that someone had died. I was only
partly right: In fact, three people had died on the crater, one
in the state park. So these days, Maui Downhill starts the ride
lower, outside the park gates-but you still get 19 miles of
freewheeling freedom.
We were picked up at our hotel lobby at 7:15 a.m. by an
exuberant, gap-toothed dude who introduced himself as
"Uncle Russ" and bragged that he'd already done 19 miles
that morning-"ring-a-dingin'"
down the slope that we were
heading for. As he drove us through the dawn, he reeled out
the rules. No. 1: "Don't ride on each other's butts!" He'd assign our places and we would stick to them, and keep 30 feet
apart. No. 2: "Monkey see, monkey do!" If Russ pulled over,
we pulled over. No. 3: "Right before left-always:' That meant
that we had to use the rear brake, on the right side, before
touching the front brake-otherwise, Uncle Russ explained,
we'd tumble ass over handlebars down the mountain.
I started getting nervous. I'd expected a quiet, relaxing ride
with my partner through the misty mountains, at our own
pace. Instead, I was going to be riding in formation and brak-
ing. Faceup in the water,I was gentlypulledandpushedby
Dennis,his movementsas fluid andcomfortingas waves.All I
hadto do was float,follow andrelax.
I felt like an otter playingin the surf.I was Soulof Otter.No,
no,I thought,not Otter!I wasjellyfish,at onewith the motion
of the waves.No,notjellyfish! I wasthe longstrandsof kelp
in the ocean,waving.No!I wasthe oceanitself,my body,the
water,swellingup anddown,my breath,the air,swooshing
in and out. I was waterandair,I wasthe goddess-interface
betweenthe oceanandsky,I wasthe rippleson the water,the
sparkleson the ripples... I daydreamedlike this until I faded
andtwinkledin languid,sloshingbliss.It wasthe perfect
introductionto Hawaii.[GillianKendall]
ing with my nondominant hand at the command of a madman.
I knew I needed to lag behind. When we
got out of the van, I slunk into my raingear
and Grand-Prix style helmet, whining that I
didn't want to hold everyone up. I'm not very
athletic, I told Uncle Russ. I never use my
bike at home, and I have poor coordination.
The last time I'd visited the mountains in
Hawaii, I'd broken my leg, and that was just walking. Please, I
begged, let me ride at the back of the group; I'd meet them at
the bottom. "We're putting you first;' he roared. "Right behind
me. That way, if you screw up, I might be able save you:'
Stuck in front of the other riders, I had to set the pace.
Everyone else had to stay behind me or get"vanned" by Uncle
Russ-they'd be riding down in the sag wagon. Grimly, I
started downhill, aiming to go as fast as I could stand, and
anticipating disaster.
We cruised down a few easy switchbacks. My breath came
back, and then got taken away again by the views-Irelandgreen slopes overlaid with a soft mist, and in the distance the
Pacific hugging the figure-eight valley between Maui's mountains. I suffered serious house-lust, looking at the driftwoodand-artwork front porches where the beautiful people spend
their summers. Enraptured by the sights, I forgot to worry
about braking, and just sailed along until Uncle Russ-who
rode while turned completely backward on his seat in order to
watch us-signaled to the right and pulled over.
Monkey see, monkey do, I remembered, and pulled up next
to him. "You go second;' he told me, and called another rider
up front, to the loser's place. I was so proud to drop behind.
I felt the joy of being not-the-worst rider combined with the
thrill of effortless motion: We were going only about 20 miles
an hour, but I was flying down those hills, and it was like falling in love.
Besides doing the ride and going wine-tasting, we beachcombed and snorkeled, watched eye-candy hula girls and
boys, body-surfed nude at a party on Baby Beach and ate gorgeous local cuisine at the Pineapple Grill and "plate meals" at
roadside stands. The Lahaina Grill became my new favorite
April 2009
I49
restaurant for its Cosmopolitan margarita (rimmed with
purple dried-plum powder) and "reconstructed" California
roll. In between, we did relaxation yoga (i.e., sitting down,
sleeping) at the Outrigger Napili Shores, where we met another lesbian couple within minutes of hitting the hot tub.
Accommodations in Hawaii vary from the feasible to the
outlandish. I've camped on the beach, crashed with friends,
slept at a Holiday Inn, bed-and-breakfasted, and relished
luscious Sheraton resorts like the Royal Hawaiian. But I
think the best value for the money, and the most suitable
for folks with kids, is a self-contained unit like the ones
at the Outrigger, ResortQuests or the Napili Kai Beach
Resort. Having a kitchenette saved us money on dining,
and the extra living space and verandah gave us breathing
room. After a day of flying downhill or cavorting with wild
dolphins, you need a little space.
About those dolphins: With only 13 passengers, the
Trilogy catamaran sail from Maui to Lanai had a very
high crew-to-passenger ratio. The sailors made Kana coffee and served breakfast, while a naturalist pointed out the
first humpbacks of the season. After docking us near the
Hulopoe Bay Marine Sanctuary, Captain Patty flipped her
ponytail and pointed south, down the half-moon beach.
"That's a great coral reef;' she said. "You'll see lots of
tropical fish:' Then she squinted north, into the sun. "Up
there is where the dolphins hang out:' So there was no
decision to be made about where I wanted to snorkel. When I turned to see if my partner agreed, she was
already wearing her mask, carrying her flippers, and trotting north, dolphin-ward.
I splashed in after her and when I caught up she said,
"You can hear them!" As soon as I put my mask in the
water, I heard squeals and whistles and then saw my first
spinner dolphin family: two adults and a baby, swimming
serenely towards us. They looked at us in passing, and came
so close we could almost touch them; we could see the scars
on their smooth, soft skin.
Soon others came, in groups of two or five, and then 20
or 30 rushed around us. We swam out deep, intersecting
the dolphins' paths, but the water was so clear we could see
every ripple on the sand 60 feet below.
We dove down to swim between them, or we hovered
on the surface and heard their damp exhales when they
came up to breathe. The small dolphins leapt into the air,
and under water some of the adults played something like
touch football, passing off large, soft yellow leaves like a
ball. Imitating their sounds, I squeaked back, and several
dolphins came to check me out; one circled me and made
eye contact for several minutes until she left to find swifter,
more interesting playmates.
Over the morning, one by one my human companions
headed into the beach to eat lunch, or to check out the ree£
until I was alone with the dolphins and a long way from
land. In my four decades of extensive travel, in a lifetime of
loving animals and playing in the ocean, it is the best thing
I've ever done. ■
50
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GREAT INNS FOR GAY GIRLS
Ten lesbian-owned bed-and-breakfasts from
Florida to New England. By Jodi Helmer
Admitit, girls,youneeda vacation.Whetheryourideaof the perfectholidayis a
romanticgetawaywith yoursweetie,a soloretreatin a gay-friendlytownor a party
weekendwith yourbestgalpals,findingthe rightplaceto stayis important.Togetyou
started,we'vecompileda list of 10greatlesbian-owned
innseastof the Mississippi.
Gettysburg
Battlefield
Bed-and-Breakfast
Stepbackin time at this CivilWar-era
inn in Gettysburg,
Penn.Innkeeper
Florence
Tarboxpurchased
the property
in 1993and
turnedit into
a bed-andbreakfast
for history buffs.The
farmhouse
wasbuilt in
1809and
offerseightguestrooms-two standard
roomsandfoursuites-set on 30 acres
adjacentto Gettysburg
NationalMilitary
Park.Beforetuckingintoa gourmet
breakfast,guestscanattenda CivilWar
historyprogramthat canincludetrying
on authenticuniformsor firing a black
powdermusket.Ghoststoriesaretold
by candlelighteveryFridaynight.($175
andup,gettysburgbattlefield.com)
Lavender
SeaBed-and-Breakfast
Fragrant
lavenderbusheslinethewalk
leadingto thefrontdoorof the Lavender
SeaBed-and-Breakfast
in Williamsburg,
Va.Thisone-roominnwasbuiltin 1938
andis locatedwithinwalkingdistanceof
Colonial
Williamsburg.
In2001,partners
HeidiTresterandChrisMorinpurchased
theinnandhavefilledthe upstairs
bedroom
andmainfloorsittingroomwith
antiquesandartwork.Thegroundsfeaturea secludedpatiowitha romanticfire
pit.($75andup,lavenderseabandb.com)
Highlands
Inn
TheHighlandsInnin Bethlehem
is the
onlylesbian-exclusive
resortin New
Hampshire.
It hasbeenoperatingas an
innfor 125yearsandincludesa main
housewith 13 rooms,a farmhousewith
five roomsanda secluded
cottage.The107acres
of groundsfeaturehiking
trails,an outdoorpooland
two hottubs.Thecommon
MountainLaurelBed-and-Breakfast areasincludea cozyliving
Nestledin the mountainsof North
roomwith a fireplaceanda librarywith
Carolina,
the MountainLaurelBed-and- an extensivecollectionof booksand
Breakfastcaters gayandlesbianDVDs.($11Oandup,
specificallyto
highlandsinn-nh.com)
gayandlesbiantravelers.
BywaterBed-and-Breakfast
Innkeeper
Lyssa Innkeepers
MartiBurtandBetty-Carol
Crossbuiltthe
Sellenprovethat it is possibleto find
three-roominn
a privateretreatin the heartof the Big
in 1989.The13-acrepropertyis located Easy.TheBywaterBed-and-Breakfast
in
in a secludedcovewith spectacular
NewOrleansis a doubleshotgun-style
viewsof the surroundingmountains.
homein a historicresidentialdistrict
Spendthe afternoonwanderingthrough popularwith queers,just a milefrom
the shopsandgalleriesin Asheville
the FrenchQuarter.Eachof the four
andthe eveningsoakingin the hot
roomshasa differenttheme.TheMardi
tub beneaththe stars.TheMountain
Grasroomis decoratedwith beadsand
LaurelBed-and-Breakfast
is knownfor
MardiGrasfigureswhileSam'sRoomis
its gourmetbreakfasts,
whichinclude
filledwith workby NorthCarolinaartist
favoriteslike blueberrypancakes,
eggs
SamMcMillan.Theentirehouse,includBenedictandpecanwaffles.($80and
ingthe commonrooms,is filled with
up,mountainlaurelbnb.com)
antiqueandfolk art fromthroughoutthe
Just Between GirlzSouth.Thedoublefrontparlorhasa comfortablesittingareafilledwith booksaboutNew
OrleansandCDsof Louisianamusic.Onthe
backporch,a swingbeckonsgueststo relaxa
whilebeforeventuringintothe city.($65and
up,bywaterbnb.com)
Innat CookStreet
TheInnat CookStreethas
a colorfulpast,andoneof
its claimsto fameis that
the PulitzerPrize-winning
authorMichaelCunningham
reputedlyfinishedhis
celebratednovelHomeat the Endof the World
whilestayingat the inn.The1836Greek
Revivalin Provincetown,
Mass.,hasbeen
lovinglyrestoredandfilledwith a combination of antiquesandcontemporary
piecesby
innkeepersLisaFeistelandDoreenBirdsell.It
hasfour guestroomsin the mainhouse,two
two-bedroomapartmentsandtwo cottages,
all set amongprivategardens.($115andup,
innatcookstreet.com)
SeaWitchManorInnand
Spa,Bewitched
B&Band
BEDazzled
B&B
Popculturefanswill love
this trio of propertiesin
Rehoboth
Beach,Del.
TheSeaWitchManor
Inn,BewitchedB&BandBEDazzled
B&Bare
locatedside-by-side,
just blocksfromthe
ocean.PartnersInezConover
andKathleen
Baileypurchased
the SeaWitchManorInn,a
7,000-square-foot
bed-and-breakfast
with five
rooms,in 2000.Oneyearlater,theypurchased
Bewitched,
a seven-bedroom
innwith eachof
the roomsdecoratedfor a specificcharacter
in theTVseries.Thecouplealsopurchased
BEDazzled
in 2001,decoratingeachof its
five roomsto reflecta Hollywood
legendlike
MarilynMonroeandBetteDavis.($99andup,
seawitchmanor.com)
NewnhamSuncatcher
Inn
TheNewnham
Suncatcher
Innhasearned
a reputationas oneof the premierinnsfor
same-sexfamilieswith children.Innkeepers
CannaCounbyInn Bed-and-Breakfast
BarbWishonandNancyParkerpurchased
the inn,whichwasbuiltin the early1900s,
In the 1840s,the classicSweitzerbarnthat
almosttwo decadesagoandturnedit into
housesthe CannaCountryInnBed-andMich.
Breakfastwasusedas a provisionalresidence a family-friendlyoasisin Saugatuck,
Theclapboardhousehascharminggingerfor Franciscan
friars.Thehistoricstoneand
breaddetailsanda largewraparound
porch
woodbuildinglocatedin Etters,Penn.,was
with a porchswing.Inside,the inn haseight
convertedto a bed-and-breakfast
in 1985.
Innkeepers
JuneFisherandStephanie
Snyder roomsandsuites,as well as a two-bedroom
cottage,eachfilled with whimsicaltouches
havetransformedit intoa rusticgetawayset
areas
onthreepartiallywoodedacres.Thebed-and- likestuffedanimalsandtoys.Common
likethe sittingroomandcountrykitchenoffer
breakfasthasfive bedroomsanda twoadditionalplacesfor familiesto gather.Located
bedroomsuite.Theoversizelivinganddining
roomsarepopulargatheringspacesfor guests just blocksfromthe banksof LakeMichigan
andthe shopsandrestaurants
in downtown
andincludefeatureslike exposedbeams,a
Saugatuck,
the Newnham
Suncatcher
Innalso
massivefireplaceandmodernamenitieslike
a TV,DVDplayerandInternetaccess.($69and offersa secludedbackyardwith a swimming
pool,a spaandplentyof chaiseloungesfor
up,cannainnbandb.com)
relaxing.($85andup,suncatcherinn.com)
Pearl'sRainbow
A formercigarfactoryhasbecomethe hottest
lesbian-only
resortin KeyWest,Fla.Pearl's
Rainbowopenedin 2000andfeatures38
roomsthat rangefromcozyattic roomswith
slopedceilingsto an oversizetwo-bedroom
apartment.
Theresorthastwo poolsandtwo
hottubsas well as largesundeckswhere
clothingis optional.AnonsitepatiobarPearl'sPatio-is the onlywomen-onlybarin
KeyWest.Thepropertyis alsojust stepsfrom
the oceanandthe maincommercialstreetin
KeyWest.($99andup,pearlsrainbow.com)
TRY FOR FREE!
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CODE 1508
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North America's Lesbian Chatline
lavenderline.net
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A
Sin City isn't
just for singles.
ByJennifer Corday
newlyweds' getaway with an 8-foot rotating bed, a mirrored
ceiling, a stripper pole and shadow dancer projector. The
I II I Palms offers a spectacular view from the Ghostbar on the
1111111 55th floor-its open-air deck gives you an amazing 180-degree look at the neon lights of the strip. The resort's dining
UHH! options are equally extraordinary but my favorite thing about
·: :: :: ::
the Palms is its in-house tattoo parlor, Hart & Huntington
Tattoo Company. Stop in with your woman and get some ink
to commemorate your nuptials. The rooms are huge, with
giant TVs, and the pools are outstanding. The Stratosphere
is older but I like to visit the Top of the World for dinner or
drinks. The restaurant is located at the top of the building,
more than 800 feet above the city, and rotates 360 degrees
once every hour and 20 minutes, giving you a slow panoramWELCOME TO THE proud capital of drinking, gambling, stripping and delicious debauchery. But don't be too
ic view of all the twinkling lights.
quick to stereotype Sin City. In fact, for lesbian couples, Las
Spend your days shopping, sightseeing or sunning at
one of the many incredible hotel pools. Mandalay Bay has
Vegas is one of the most romantic honeymoon places in the
world. With over 93,000 marriage licenses issued last year in a beach-like wave machine, and the Golden Nugget "tank"
the metro area, Vegas is one of the highest-ranking romance
lets you swim with the sharks. Shop till you drop at huge
indoor malls inside Caesar's, Bellagio and the Wynn. Or if
destinations in the United States-and that doesn't include
the scores of non-legal lesbian unions. With an overwhelmyou'd like to get away from it all, take a scenic drive through
ing number of hotels, restaurants, shops, casinos and shows,
the Valley of Fire State Park and Red Rock Canyon-two
you can plan the perfect action-packed honeymoon.
extraordinary sites akin to the Grand Canyon in majesty. You
High-rolling honeymooners should consider the Paris,
can make the drive yourself or hire a limo to drive you out
Bellagio or Venetian. Brand new at the Venetian is the
through the ranger's gate.
Palazzo, its third hotel and a top-notch choice for sure.
When you're ready for some nightlife, you have a myriThe Venetian looks like Venice inside, and you can stroll
ad of choices, including a fabulous Vegas show. Cirque du
through the corridors to shop, or take a romantic gondola
Soleil's Zumanity gets rave reviews and is guaranteed to wow
ride through the canals. My gondoliers were gay-friendly and
you with some Sapphic spectacle. Or check out MGM's
encouraged kissing under the bridges. They even sang to us. Crazy Horse Paris, billed as "a celebration of the artistry
The Bellagio is equally upscale-the fountains, are synchroof the nude:' The cabaret features beautiful female dancers
nized to music and go on every few hours. Inside the Bellagio, whose near-nude bodies become canvases upon which colenjoy a walk through the conservatory, holding hands to view ored lights and images are projected. LeReve at the Wynn is
rare and beautiful plants, trees and flowers. If you are ready
another show to consider-live music accompanies provocafor dessert, bring your girl to the chocolate shop and see the
tive acrobatics in an "intimate aqua theater-in-the-round:'
chocolate waterfalls.
After the shows, it's time to hit the clubs and bars. Think
Nothing, however, is more romantic than kissing in Paris. of it as a belated bachelorette party-for
two. The young
Take her to the Eiffel Tower (modeled to scale after the real and beautiful love the Pussycat Dolls Lounge at Caesar's, the
one) for a kiss, or enjoy dinner at the restaurant halfway up, Playboy Club at the Palms and the Voodoo Lounge at the
which has a great view of the Bellagio fountains. Or better yet, top of the Rio. You will have to mingle with the straight folks,
make it all the way to the top for your Vegas nuptials, a popular
though, so if you'd like to be exclusive, head to CandyBar on
place for lesbians to take the plunge. Inside Paris, a cobblestone
a Saturday night. Hosted by sexy DJ Lisa Pittman at Krave,
street scene offers up a great bistro, a steak house, boutiques
this is the hottest lesbian dance party around. Things start
and the must-visit Mandara Spa (where many a newlywed has hopping at around 11 p.m. when the go-go dancers take the
bonded over the Paris is for Lovers treatment).
stage. You will be pleased, trust me.
The Palms has a younger, hipper, MTV vibe and has beVegas never closes, so you can party all night or get back to
come a celebrity hotspot. The 40-story Fantasy Tower offers your suite for some one-on-one entertainment in your own
gorgeous Fantasy Suites, including the Erotic Suite, a real rotating bed. Viva Las Vegas! ■
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52 I curve
Anunexpectedgetawaywill
light your fire. By Aefa Mulholland
YUKON GOLD
VISUALIZE THE northern lights dancing across
the sky, spectacular scenery all around and so much
space that it feels like there are only the two of you
in the world, then consider making Yukon your thrillingly romantic, and off beat honeymoon destination.
Yukon, or the Yukon Territory as it used to be known, is
perched at the top-left-hand corner of Canada: a vast area
considerably bigger than California with a tiny population of
less than 34,000. There's a small but active lesbian and gay
community in the capital, Whitehorse, the town where gender-bending writer Ivan E. Coyote, author of Bow Grip and
contributor to anthologies such as BoysLike Her, hails from.
It's hard to imagine that only 100 years ago fortune hunters
stampeded all over the area during the Klondike Gold Rush.
If YOUGO
BombayPeggy'sInn& Pub:LGBTwelcoming,woman-run,smoke-free
B&Bsituatedin a formerbrothelin
centralDawsonCity.($79andup,
bombaypeggys.com)
Casey'sB&B:LGBT-welcoming,
woman-run,three-roomB&Bwith a
hot tub and greatfood in downtown
Whitehorse.($88and up,caseybandb.com)
Whitehouse
Cabins:Sevenrooms
in historicbuildingsoverlookingthe
YukonRiverin downtownDawsonCity.
LGBT-friendly.
($99andup,whitehousecabins.com)
YukonForestCabins:LGBTfriendlycabins,20 minutessouthof
Whitehorse.
($145andup,yukonforestcabins.com)
54
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DawsonMusicFestival:Mid-July
in DawsonCity(dcmf.com)
YukonInternational
Storytelling
Festival:Octoberin Whitehorse
(storytelling.
yk.net)
FrostbiteMusicFestival:MidFebruaryin Whitehorse
(frostbitefest.ca)
NorthernLightsCentre:InWatson
Lake(northernlightscentre.ca)
TakhiniHotSprings:In Whitehorse
(takhinihotsprings.com)
YukonWildlifePreserve:
In
Whitehorse(yukonwildlife.ca)
YukonPrideAdventure
Tours:
InWhitehorse
(yukonpride.com)
Now, the pristine wilderness is the prime draw in the Land
of the Midnight Sun. Whether you want to hike, canoe, wander
through forests, watch wildlife or cozy up in a cabin and know
that you're miles away from everything, Canada's second-leastpopulated territory (in human terms) is an ideal destination.
Some of Yukon's most spectacular scenery is protected in
its three National Parks: Kluane National Park and Reserve,
Vuntut National Park and lvvavik National Park. Kluane, in
the southwestern corner of the territory, is a United Nations
World Heritage Site and the site of Canada's highest peak,
Mount Logan. At nearly 20,000 feet, Logan towers above glaciers and the world's largest nonpolar ice fields. In Vuntut and
lvvavik, porcupine caribou herds have their calving grounds
and over half a million migratory birds flock to the wetlands.
These two parks are just as stunning as Kluane, but much
more remote.
If you really want those heady honeymoon days to never
end, plan your postnuptial adventures for a Yukon summer,
when daylight is almost continuous for three months and
temperatures average in the mid 60s. Winters in this subarctic wonderland are long and dark, with almost three months
when the sun doesn't get much of a chance to shine and temperatures can drop to -60° F.Although temperatures drop to
these shocking depths, there's a reason people choose to brave
the snow and ice: The long cold months are the best ones to
see the aurora borealis. If you're determined to see the lights at
their brightest, plan to visit during the new moon, between late
August and mid-April. In the summer, skies are too bright to
see the lights, even at times when solar wind activity, the phenomenon that creates the light show, is strong. It's a good idea
to stay for as many days as possible to have the best chance
of seeing the northern lights. Sightings are not guaranteed.
Once there, you can check aurora activity forecasts.
If that all sounds a bit too chilly,Yukon also has some warmer attractions, the most famous being Takhini Hot Springs.
The natural, odorless pools are 20 miles north of Whitehorse,
with a campground, walking and equestrian trails, a climbing wall and a zip line for those times when you aren't in the
mood for a dip. Nearby, the Yukon Wildlife Preserve offers
up close encounters with local creatures including elk, wood
bison, musk oxen, mule deer, mountain goats, woodland caribou, moose and mountain sheep, all in their natural habitat.
Plenty of outfitters and guides cater to outdoor enthusiasts, whether your passion is canoeing, kayaking, hiking,
snowmobiling, ice climbing or dog sledding, but for a lesbianspecific trip, Whitehorse's Yukon Pride offers an enticing slew
of packages. Its custom adventures range over the whole territory, from aurora borealis viewing and dog sledding out of i
Whitehorse in the south, to rugged odysseys to the far, far
north, above the 60th parallel.
ffi
Whichever part of the territory appeals to you, Yukon is a ~
:::E
thrilling place to start an adventurous life together. ■
a.:
i
REASON
By Karen
Loftus
CANADA IS still the go,to country for affordable getaways,
with plenty to offer-from resorts to Rockies-and several
cosmopolitan cities where Pride can be celebrated on a daily
basis, not just at a festival. Here's a sneak peek at 10 blissful ways
to spend your day in our favorite Canadian oasis, Toronto.
1. It's Easy.Toronto was the first place in Canada where gay
marriage was legalized. It's a historic spot to honeymoon or
do the big I Do. It's as easy as obtaining a marriage license,
which will cost you a mere $106. If you want someone to hold
your hand while you hold your soon,co,be spouse's, the gay
wedding planner I Do Toronto will take care of all the details,
from the photog, to the stylist, the champagne and reception,
even your attire.
2.Greatgayborhoods.
The
Gay Village, Canada's
largest gay commu,
nity, is centered in the
Church and Wellesley
District (where Queeras Folkwas filmed). The Village has an
array of gay-owned restaurants, bars and gay,themed shops,
and is home to Toronto's Pride. Queen Street West is a trendy
strip filled with funky shops, eclectic cafes, clubs and home de,
cor stores, while Leslieville shares Queen Street's urban edge,
with its many new restos, cafes and greasy spoons.
3. Youcangetold-school
artsy.The city is teaming with great
galleries and museums. Take a break from the bedroom in
order to visit the Royal Ontario Museum. With over 6 mil,
lion objects, it's a world,cultural gallery that can transport you
almost anywhere on the planet.
4. Occasions
abound.If you're saving cash and want to make
the 'moon a two,for, Canada is known for its bevy of fests.
Toronto's International Film Festival is one of the world's
top three, alongside Cannes and Venice. For the musically in,
dined, there is the summer jazz fest, and for those in search of
theatrics,June's annual Luminato is a must. One of Toronto's
biggest arts and cultural fests and one of the biggest Pride
(/) celebrations worldwide, Toronto Pride is another great two,
~ for-a 10,day fest full of parties, panels, and a parade.
zw
a:
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5. Exquisite,
exoticedibles.From simple to sublime, Toronto
has great restaurants. There are several neighborhoods where
the cuisine reflects the culture, from Little Italy to Chinatown
and Greektown, and inspired spots citywide. A few of my
faves include famed chef Jamie Kennedy's Wine Bar, which
has small plates with big tastes. Try the charcuterie plate of
terrine and pate or the flatbreads with three dips-insanely
good. One Restaurant at the Hazelton Hotel in Yorkville is
elegantly sexy and makes a perfect mojito. Try the burrata
cheese with summer truffles, garlic and balsamic.
6.Youcanpophercork,inmorethanoneway. It's a quick trip to
Ontario's wine country, especially Niagara on the Lake's Pellar
Estate, where the scenery is stunning. You can go on a wine
tour, have a tasting in the shop or enjoy a leisurely lunch in the
award-winning restaurant, where each
course is brilliantly paired.
7. Youcan buyher something
sexyfor
the weddingnight.There are a ton
of chic boutiques, but if she's into
' vintage your best bet is Kensington
Market. Courage My Love is the star
of the street-the owner's a local his,
torian and quite the character-where prices cant be beat.
Pack an extra case. It's well worth the extra baggage fees.
8. Thereare options,if youreallydo wantto sleep.There are
plenty of places to get bed head in Toronto, including the
effortlessly stylish Four Seasons in Yorkeville, popular with
the celeb set, or the boutique Cosmopolitan Toronto Hotel
(their Shizen Spa is a great place to slip away for the day).
The Soho Cosmopolitan has the Senses Restaurant, which
specializes in local ingredients, and Queen Street West boasts
the Drake-a great place to get, and feel, lucky.
9. It'sthenewTribeca.
The Distillery district is a national his,
toric site dating back to 1832. Modern muscle and money
were recently pumped in, so today it has an Old,meets,New
,world feel. This warehouse district,like neighborhood has
several galleries, coffee shops and restaurants. Pure Spirits
Oyster House and Grill has a great brunch and hot staff. At
Mill Street Brew Pub you can dine with your canine. Finish
up with a decadent treat from Soma, a chocolate maker, then
wash it all down with a coffee at the super,sexy Balzac's cafe.
10. It's tradition,too. Niagara Falls-the place your grand,
parents went to wed-is less than two hours away from
Toronto. Don.'t leave town without seeing it. Hop on Maids
in the Mist, a boat ride that takes you right up to the falls
and supplies you with a giant, condom,like trash bag to keep
you dry. Bring a camera to capture your girl in the moment.
It'll be love at first splash. ■
REVIEWSMusic Watch
AcousticAlchem
Go indie and down home with this month's picks. By Margaret Coble
BentCircuit,WhenGirls
Collide{CrushRecords):
Psychobilly
is a hardgenre
to define.Is it pop?Folk?
lndierockat its weirdest?
LCMessinger
of WhenGirls
Collidehasbeensmashing
soundstogethersinceher
dayswith Unknown
Gender,
andhermusicalprowesshas
progressed
impressively
since
the mid-'80s.If forcedto
describeWhenGirlsCollide's
sound,onemightimagine
robotsat a hoedown,
or,more
specifically,
girl robotsdoing
a do-si-do.BentCircuitis the
auralequivalent
of Hunter
S.Thompson's
Fearand
Loathingin LasVegas.
Songs
like"Die"boastaddictive
electronicbeatssetto a country swagger,
andMessinger's
hauntingly
seductive
vocals
seepintoyoureardrums,
leavingyourheadbobbing.
Anincredible
albumfroma
veteranmusician,BentCircuit
embodies
the lyricsof itsthird
track,"Lady":"Timemoves
on/people
change."At least
in thiscase,changeis a good
thing.[Ainsley
Drew]
56
Icurve
Whether it has six members, three or two, an acoustic-based group like the Figs, Po' Girl or Indigo Girls
represents the special connection between women
who collaborate musically.
Deerin theNight,Po'Girl(selfreleased):Recorded in Austin,
Texas, this fifth album by the
eternally touring Canadian urban
roots troubadours Allison Russell
WhatKeepsMeUpatNight,TheFigs(self-released):and Awna Teixeira exhibits an
exquisit maturity that exceeds
Sounding more like they hail from the Appalachians
than from Acadiana, this female sextet from Lafayette, their past efforts. Their hypnotic blend of front-porch blues,
La., featuring Claire Caffery, Sarah Gray, Caroline
Helm, Jillian Johnson, Paige Pemberton and Melissa Western twang, foot-shuffiingjazz, Acadian folk and
Stevenson, plays thoroughly modern old-timey music traditional country and bluegrass is distilled into a
timeless, melancholy soundscape to accompany their
that is a blend of folk, country, bluegrass, Americana,
rockabilly,jazz and blues with sweet vocal harmonies
rich, at times ethereal, harmonies. From the bicycle
and infectious melodies. This sophomore CD will bell ringing in the tide track to the Eastern-flavored
hook you instantly if the roots spectrum of music is accordion and clarinet combo in "Gandy Dancer;'
your thing-from the lilting, twangy "The Letter" to their textured sound is an instrumental smorgasbord,
the more rollicking "So It Goes" and the more tradi- providing the perfect backdrop for Russell's distinctional bluegrass wailer"Ruby Don't CrY:'My favorites tive enunciation and soulful vocals. Despite assistance
include the finger-pickin' and vocal fun of'Fly Around
from multi-instrumentalist Benny Sidelinger-the
My Pretty Little Miss"-an interesting reworking of new third member of the band-and a whole host of
a Built to Spill song-and the tongue-in-cheek, har- special guests on this album, the magic of Po' Girl lies
monica-filled country ballad "Guns:' If you ever have in Russell and Teixeira, two kindred spirits and true
the chance, go see them live. They're a lot of fun.
musical gypsies.
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Q+A
Laura Lee Schultz
Down the Lees is the most recent musical project of Laura Lee ("LL') Schultz, the
Vancouver-based musician, singer-songwriter, and producer. Previously, Schultis
all-female band Queazy pierced national success with their first album, Hurk, while her
shows with the Skinjobs defined the term
"queercore" to many who would never forget
it. An alt-folk-punk standby for more than
a decade, Schultz pulls off wearing all these
hats at once to great effect in Down the Lees'
newest, The Guest Room. Her secret: great
knob twiddling.
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twiddler. [Laughs]
Howareyounavigating
beinga queer
musician?
You'veexplored
a lotof musicalgenres.
Howhasyoursoundevolvedsincethe
early'90s?
Poseidonand the Bitter Bug, Indigo
Girls(IGNanguard):
Coming full circle
Other Licks
I came up with it a long time ago. My friends
call me LL. And it's kind of a running joke.
LL CoolJ .. .ladies love LL.
~
I can really screw with
it. Make it feel like it's
part of me-so it's not
just something in a
box. And twiddle the
knobs-I love to twiddle knobs. I'm a knob
So, [being in the Skinjobs] was, like, a complete 180 from what I was doing in previous
bands where it wasn't talked about at all. I
How doesthe electronicelementmesh mean, that was the mid-'90s and, you know,
withtheD.I.Y.soundyourmusichas?
being gay wasn't as cool as it is now. [Laughs]
I think the D.I.Y. aesthetic is, for me ... the
I will not shy away from questions, but I don't
actual songwriting and the lyric writing. And
want to use my music ... as a political platform
because I'm an emotional writer, I feel that's, because it's all about my heart and my relationlike, the core of what it is, and then [I add]
ships. I know there are a lot of people who say
the electronic aspect to it after. I learned how
the political is personal, the personal is politito actually build synthesizers-not
hardcal. But for me, it's the music. It's always been
ware, but software synthesizers. So it's, like, the music. [Andrea
Millar]
It's a greatnameforthestage.Anyother
meanings
there?
~
Well, since I'm taking the
helm. I find that I have been
putting a lot more emphasis on the engineering of it.
So ... it's getting to be a little
bit more electronic, whereas,
[with] my previous bands,
the Skinjobs and Queazy, it was all, you know,
bass, guitar, drums. So, I just decided to bring
in the electronic elements and it seems to fit
more to my personality .. .it's more me, in that
there's so many different aspects of me. That's
why it kind of sounds like a mix tape.
since their 1987 debut self-released album Strange Fire, Indigo Girls Amy Ray
and Emily Saliers are indie again, all the
way. Dropped by their last major label,
Hollywood Records, the girls offer up a
double-disc set this time around on their
own imprint, IG Recordings-the
first,
a full-band version of the album, and the
second, an acoustic version that includes
one new song, "Salty South:' Personally,
I prefer the acoustic set, not just because
of the simplicity of its sound and production, but also because of the song orderit just seems to flow better. But the fullband set is also delightful to listen to, with
crisp, not-too-heavyhanded production
on hallmarks like Saliers' "Love of Our
Lives" and Ray's "Sugar Tongue;' though
I prefer Ray's solo treatment of "Driver
Education'' better than the one featured
here. As always, their guitar interplay is
captivating, and their vocal harmonies still
give me goosebumps. Amy and Emily have
outlasted many of their peers in the music
industry, and relevant-as-ever 11th studio
album proves why. ■
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SafeTripHome
Dido
{Arista)
Metamorphosis
Maysa
{Shanachie)
Thethirdstudiodisc
fromthe BritishSOUi-'
popdivais anelegant
collectionof mostly
sadsongsthemed
aroundthe 2006death
of herfather.Whilenot
musicallyadventurous,it's still a pleasant
listen,impeccably
produced
andpaced,
withthesingle"Don't
Believein Love"
alreadya hit.(didomusic.com)
Underground
multigenrequeenMaysa
shinesonthis solo
effortthatthrusts
heruniquevocals
to theforefrontover
hip-swaying
rhythms.
TheBrazilian-flavored
"Simpatico"
andthe
epic"Let'sFigureIt Out
(Songfor Bluey)"catch
myearthe most,
whilethe scat-fest"A
Conversation
Withthe
Universe"
provesshe's
notafraidto takerisks.
(maysa.com)
LookBothWays
BeforeYouDie
TeamSmileandNod
{Thinkroot)
Re:Generations
NatKingColeand
VariousArtists
{Capitol/EM
I)
Inthe longlistof
It'shardto resist
remixprojectstackling
something
billedas
this
"lesbian-fronted
electro oldermaterial,
onestandsout.New
anti-folk,"isn'tit?The
of Cole's
interesting
combination interpreters
velvetyclassicsinclude
of politically
charged
Gee-Lo,
Will.I.Am,
Cut
vocalswithdanceChemist,
Brazilian
Girls,
ableelectronic
beats
theRootsandlV onthe
offeredupbytheduo
KaraSherman
andRich Radio.Michaelangelo
Ratvasky
worksparL'Acqua's
bossanova
ticularlywellonclubby treatmentof "Brazilian
cutslike"StillStuck,"
LoveSong"featuring
works
andhumorous
diatribes BebelGilberto
like"Consumer
Whore." for me.(natking(teamsmileandnod.com)
cole.com)
April 2009
I 57
REVIEWSIn The Stacks
Thrillin Reads
Crank up the passion and the mystery this month. By Rachel Pepper
TheFirstPerson
andOther
Stories,
Ali Smith(Pantheon
Books):WhenI discovered
outScottishauthorAliSmith
I wasflooredbythewayshe
usedlanguage
so preciselyhersentences
wererazor
sharp,cuttingtheirmeaning
outexactlyassheintended.
Herlatestbookof stories
hasallthesameprecision,
butgoesmuchdeeper.
Few
writerscanslipinsidethe
reader'smindandtell stories
thatseemsofamiliar,they're
likememories.
In TheFirst
Person,
Smithdoesthisin a
waythatseemseffortless.
Thestoriesareincredibly
selfconscious,
asthetitle story
suggests,
butSmithwrites
themwitha playfulspirit,so
thereis noneof thetedium
yougetin otherself-reflective
postmodern
works.These
storiesareawareof their
ownformandthoughtfulin a
good-natured
way.Theyare
compelling
because
theyoffer
a hintof behind-the-scenes
actionwithoutstrayingtoofar
awayfromnarrative.
Through
it all,Smith'scharacters
pull
youin andmakeyouwonder
howyoucouldhavethought
anythingdifferent.
[RachelBeebe]
ss Icurve
Placement of Modifiers;' with its haughty, naughty
Professor Chalkdust, a character readers will surely
want to see more of in the future. Well-schooled in
the art of discipline, Professor Chalkdust implores
BestLesbianErotica2009,ed. TristanTaormino, her newest private student to consider this: "There is
selectedby JoanLarkin(CleisPress):It's the end a grammar of physical experience just as there is a
of an era as Tristan Taormino wraps up her stint as grammar of language, Bernie. Giving and accepting
editor of the Best Lesbian Erotica series, which she the right sensation at the right time is as fine an art as
premiered back in 1995. Since the time of its humble
the effective placement of a modifier beside the word
beginnings, this series has spawned many imitators
it serves ... If you take your discipline well, you'll love
and spinoffs, and Taormino has emerged as one of the reward ... " Other standouts include "The Virgin
our country's experts in all things sexual. She's now of G;' by Jean Casse, where a woman has a vision of
ready to hand this series off to Kathleen Warnock,
the Virgin of Guadalupe in her lover's vagina, and
who will coordinate it with a rotating band of story Zaedryn Meade's sexy pickup story, "The Diner on
selectors. This year, the poet Joan Larkin selected the the Corner:'
stories; writers in past years have included Cheryl
Clarke, Emma Donoghue and Michelle Tea. With
Generation
Loss,Elizabeth
Hand
13 volumes of this series published, it's been inter(HarcourtHarvest):Eschewing
esting over the years to see how trends in sex writ- the ordinary Gothic mysticism
ing come and go, and also what delightful surprises
and science fiction-fantasy elepop up in each year's collection. This year, the trend
ments of many of her earlier
seems to be toward stories involving academic confer- books, like the James Tiptree Jr.
ences, or at least academics, as well as mistresses and Award-winning Waking the Moon,
submissives and, in some cases, academic mistresses
Elizabeth Hand nevertheless ereand their submissives. The best of this lot, and also ates a dark, moody fable in Generation Loss. Told by
the collection's funniest story, is Jean Roberta's "The bisexual photographer Cass Neary, a tattooed punkReaders will find excitement aplenty in the latest
annual offering of erotica and an atmospheric thriller
featuring a bisexual photographer.
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era holdout and alcoholic drug addict best
known for her collection of photos of dead
junkies, GenerationLoss picks Cass up from
the squalid comforts of the East Village in
New York City and tosses her onto an island
off the coast of Maine with just her wits to
defend hersel£ There, sent on a magazine assignment to interview the aged and elusive
photographer Aphrodite Kamestos, Neary
befriends the begrudging locals, falls for the
craggy, wind-swept wilderness, contemplates
addiction and art and cunningly investigates
a longstanding island mystery. Redemption
comes to Cass in strange, small ways and, after tracking a predator and freeing his teenage captive, she realizes that a rough-edged
mis.fit like her could possibly find a home
on the island. Hand is a skilled writer and
a well-practiced one, and her atmospheric
descriptions of photography, the New York
City art world and the desolate northern island Cass visits are all spot on. If you're not
already familiar with Elizabeth Hand, and
her many award-winning novels, short stories and TV series, GenerationLoss is a good
way to acquaint yourself with this talented
LGBT-leaning author. ■
~ THECONCUBINE
OF
SHANGHAI,
HongYing
(marionboyars.co.uk):
Eroticameetssexualslavery.
MoveoverAmyTan.
~ IN THEBLOOD,
RickReed(regalcrest.
biz):Horrificvisions.Lesbian
vampires.
What'snotto love?
~ COOPER'S
DEAL,Kl Thompson
(bold-
strokebooks.com):
Spacecraft
debris,
Russian
brides,lesbianlovers?Ohmy.
~ THEGLASS
DEVIL,HeleneTursten
(sohopress.com):
Threemurders,
possibleSatanists
anda femaledetective.
~ BESTDATEEVER,
ed.Linda
Cu
(.)
Date.
e,4!,\
): lirue C\3t.bL
Alvarez(aIyson.com
m, """'
lesbianstories.'Nuffsaid.
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BEHIND
THEMASK,
LesleyDavis(boldstrokesbooks.com):
Intergalactic
lesbiansdefyauthorityin out
of thisworldlovestory.[DianeAndersonMinshall& AinsleyDrew]
Q+A
Cooper Lawrence
Cooper Lawrence isn't just an overachiever,
she writes about overachieving, too. The
sensational and scintillating radio host,
television mainstay and author has penned
five renowned books, including The Cult of
Peifectionand her most recent, The Cult of
Celebrity,which tackles pop culture obsession. When she's not hosting The Cooper
Lawrence Show on Dial Global or guesting
on VHl's Confessionsof a Teen Idol, she's
gearing up to spearhead her own TV show.
success and power as a result of what they
look like, so there is a risk they will start to
believe that having that perfect body is the
Whichcamefirst,yourinterestin psyonly way to get all those desirable things.
chology
or yourinterestin popculture? Just be aware of this and think about how
I first became interested in psychology in you feel after you see these images.
college at the University of Maryland, since
Howdoesthelesbian"cultof celebrity,"
they have such a strong psych program, but
as cultivated
byshowslike TheL Word,
professionally I was in radio for many, many
andrelationships
likeEllenDeGeneres
years and writing for CosmoGirlmagazine
andPortiade Rossi's,
affectlesbian
before I even entertained the idea of going culture,orAmerican
culturein general?
back to school to get a Ph.D.
The fact that stars as big as Ellen and Portia
Howdidyoufigureoutthatunitingthe
have publicly donned the moniker "lesbian"
twowouldworksowell?
not only softens public attitudes, it also
I was working at a radio station with a reflects how public attitudes are softening.
large young female audience in New York Not too long ago a star would be in great
and when I spoke with our listeners ...
fear that coming out would threaten their
the questions ranged from body image to
career, relationships with their families and
celebrity worship, and the girls seemed
their fans.
depressed. This led me to believe [that]
WhataboutLindsay
Lohanand
if they were coming to a radio DJ to talk
Samantha
Ronson?
Aretabloid-frenzied
about this kind of stuff, then they didn't
same-sex
couplings
a positive
or negahave anywhere to turn, and why was that?
tivethingfortheLGBTcommunity?
Positive [in] that it's being covered as
The theme also seemed to be celebritydriven: "I want a body like so-and-so but
opposed to being ignored. Wasn't this
Harvey Milk's whole point? That commy parents won't let me get surgery; how
do I convince them?" Shocking questions
ing out publicly is the duty of the LGBT
like that. I thought that if I knew what was population to show the fear mongers and
the homophobes that gays and lesbians
really going on with these girls, I could help
are all around them and deserve to be
them, not as a DJ but maybe as a psycholotreated equally?
gist. My specialty in grad school was adoa portionof thesales
lescent girls and the influence media has on You'redonating
fromTheCultof Celebrityto Angelona
their self-worth.
Howshouldyoungpeople-especially
women-handlethecelebrityworship
thatcomeswithtabloidcultureand
realityTV?
I talk about this extensively in my book,
explaining that girls who are constantly presented with celebrity-perfect bodies in the
media, on TV and elsewhere see that those
women receive love, admiration, glamour,
Leash.Tellmeaboutthat.
Angel on a Leash is a charity of the
Westminster Kennel Club that champions working with therapy dogs in healthcare facilities. When you see firsthand how
a therapy dog can change a sick child's
life, you realize that a dog has the power
to help simplify a complicated situation.
[Ainsley
Drew]
~
April 2009
I59
REVIEWSSapphic Screen
Unhin
Closets
Community takes center stage this month. By Candace Moore
MOTHER
KNOWS
BEST
Thetwofunniestqueerfilms
outrightnowaren'texactly
whatyou'dcalllesbian,butno
doubtmanydykes-especially moms-will loveReady?
OK!(nowon DVDat Wolfe
Video)andBreakfast
With
Scot(playingon here!TV).In
Ready?,
singlemomAndreais
struggling
to understand
her
preteensonJosh'sobsessionwithdolls,dressesand
cheerleading.
Josh(played
bytheadorable
LuriePoston)
is finewithwhoheis,and In these two touching films, queer heroes improve
Mom(withhelpfroma gay their communities, themselves and others.
neighbor)
hasto learnhowto
letJoshbreakallthegender Milk (Focus/Universal):
Gus Van Sant's biopic of
rulestheworldhasin store San Francisco's slain supervisor Harvey Milk interfor him.In BreakfastWith sperses a hand-held, grainy look with televised
Scot,Eric(apitch-perfect
role
footage and a meditative steadicam. This mixing of
forTomCavanagh
fromEli
aesthetics works to evocatively capture Milk's private
Stone),
a gaybutoh-so-butch
life and public speeches, along with the elan of queer
formerhockeyplayer,andhis
parties, the righteous anger of civil rights marches
partnerbecameparentsto a
veryflamboyant
youngboy and the macho violence of police brutality in the
andstruggle-in thefunniest Castro district of 1970s San Francisco. Offering a
waypossible-to"straighten" nostalgic elegy to the first gay man elected to public
himout.Inthe process,
Eric office, Van Sant ends his film with documents of the
learnsa lotabouthimself.
real Harvey Milk and his team of activists. These
Bothmoviesarehilariously
serve as proof of Van Sant's own meticulousness in
heartwarming,
feel-goodcommatching the spirit of the characters and the times.
ediesthataresweetbut
The
film focuses on Milk's rise to power, his optineversaccharine.
[Diane
Anderson-Minshall] mism and political fervor and his assassination. The
cast is superb: Sean Penn transforms into sparklyeyed Milk, Emile Hirsch makes an adorable Cleve
Jones and we sense Dan White's slow-rising boil,
expertly channeled through Josh Brolin. Admittedly,
Milk congratulates itself a bit for its own project.
60
Icurve
Without taking the film literally as history, we need
to constantly educate ourselves about the past and
archive our own lives as they happen. Every queer
person worth her salt should see this film at least
once.
The WorldUnseen(RegentReleasing):
Shamim
Sarif's '50s period piece reflects on the impossibility of heterosexuals, as well as lesbians, of different
ethnicities loving openly in apartheid-era South
Africa. When Miriam (Lisa Ray), her traditionally
minded husband and their children move to a plot
of land near Cape Town, they encounter Amina
(Sheetal Sheth), an iconoclast who prefers trousers
to dresses. Amina runs the Location Cafe, where
she serves blacks, whites and Indians equally, to the
local authorities' chagrin; the cops constantly come
by to smash something, bully somebody or try to
shut her business down. While Miriam's husband
is out cheating on her, Amina teaches her how to
drive, and how to refuse her husband's domination
without fear. A rich exploration of bigotry of all
kinds, this film puts characters of different belief systerns into dialogue with one another. Sarif' s second
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Q+A
Margaux Towne-Colley
After their son Grayson's birth, Margaux
Towne~Colley and her partner Donna
searched for children's stories reflecting their
family's lifestyle. They found s
