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Description
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ToC Cover: Happily Ever After [Chely Wright & Lauren Blitzer] by Merryn Johns (p52); The Family Issue; Ani DiFranco: Choosing Sides by Dave Steinfeld (p30); Back to School by Lisa A. Eramo (p33); Sudden-Onset Parenthood by Janelle Sorenson (p37); Finding the One by Allison Steinberg (p40); Babylicious by Merryn Johns (p42); Pet Project by Rachel Shatto (p46); Cover Photo: Karolina Wojtasik.
See all items with this value
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issue
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3
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Date Issued
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April 2012
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Format
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PDF/A
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Publisher
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Frances Stevens
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Identifier
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Curve_Vol22_No3_April-2012_OCR_PDFa.pdf
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extracted text
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THE NAME YOU TRUST
FOR MEETING LESBIAN
SINGLES ONLINE
Find your soulmate,
she's here waiting
for you!
Try curve
Personals
FREE!
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Features
52
Happily Ever After
Out country music star Chely Wright found
lesbian activism and true love with Lauren
Blitzer. Now the happy couple invites us into
their wedded bliss. By Merryn Johns
30
APRIL2012
52
Ani Difranco: Choosing Sides
After a three year break, our favorite indie
A-lister is back with a new and important
album. By Dave Steinfeld
33
Back to School
If you're raising kids you need to know which
schools are LGBT-friendly. Here's our expert
advice on how to tell. By Lisa A. Eramo
TheFamilyIssue
It begins with finding your soulmate and
ends with lots of kids, both two- and fourlegged. This issue we celebrate our diversity.
37
Sudden-Onset Parenthood
Learn from lnstaMom and Real L Word
alumnus, Tracy Ryerson. By Janelle
Sorenson
40
Finding The One
Lesbians love romance, but does true
love last forever? By Allison Steinberg
42
Babylicious
Adorable outfits for gaybies, as designed by
lesbian moms. By Merryn Johns.
46
Pet Project
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How a lesbian photographer bridged the gap
between rescue dogs and pedigree pooches.
By Rachel Shatto
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COVER
PHOTO:
KAROLINA
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click away~
When you subscribe to our
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best of all, no more recycling.
Just download and click away!
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Departments
IN EVERY ISSUE
6
7
8
10
17
19
20
22
80
24
Contributors
26
This Is What a Lesbian Looks Like
72
The Two of Us
Our monthly profile of lesbian couples
who live, love and work together.
Out in Front
Scene
Relationship Advice
Lesbian sex guru Diana Cage shows
us how to make the most out of lovemaking.
Plus, 25 steamy tips for mind-blowing sex.
Letters
Editor's Letter
APRIL2012
28
Politics
Does the desire for a traditional family
conflict with our lesbian identities?
By Victoria A. Brownworth
Lesbofile
Lipstick & Dipstick
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Push Girls, inspires us.
Curvatures
Personalized one-of-a-kind wedding
bands and edgy, blingy baubles by a
lesbian fine jeweler.
Laugh Track
Funny lady Margaret Cho gets
serious about marriage equality
and the importance of family.
Film: Tiphany Adams, the lesbian star of
70
Music: The fabulous Fay Wolf on music,
race and kickstarting her career.
72
74
Tech: Helpful gadgets for moms and tots.
Food: We veg-out with Elllen and Portia's
personal chef. And how to pick wine on a dime.
76
Books: Vampires and fantasy for young
adults plus non-fiction tales of motherhood.
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curve
Win ~~~cation with Olivia
!
Enter for a Chance to WIN a
Trip for Two on Olivia's 40th
Anniversary Cruise
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Get ready for the vacation of a lifetime
on one of the world's largest lesbian
cruises! Olivia is talking two cruise ships,
4,200 lesbians, over 20 entertainers,
and three great ports: Aruba, Curacao
and a private island in the Bahamas.
Olivia Travel's 40th Anniversary
Southern Caribbean Cruises set sail
Jan. 27-Feb. 3, 20·13 and Feb. 3-·10,
2013 from Ft. Lauderdale, Fla. One
lucky curve reader (and her guest) will
travel in style on the Feb. 3-10, 2013
voyage. The entire ship will be filled with
lesbians-that's 2,100 new friends-so
you can be out and free. You'll enjoy
comics, musicians, DJs, theme parties,
incredible excursions like swimming
with dolphins and ATV rides, a singles'
program, a commitment ceremony
and much more. "This is the biggest
celebration Olivia has produced to
date. It will be a giant reunion, entertainment extravaganza and tropical
vacation all rolled into one," remarked
Tisha Floratos, Olivia's Vice President of
Travel. Visit olivia.com/curvecontest
for details and your chance to win; if
your name is drawn, you and your guest
will hop onboard Holland America's
luxurious Nieuw Amsterdam for this
dream vacation.
~
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Jenny Hits the High Seas
Want to know what cruising with Olivia
is really like? Read author and cruising
expert Jenny Block's seven-day blog on
Olivia's Western Caribbean cruise.
More Puppy Love
If, like us, your heart swelled to three
times its size looking at the gorgeous,
adorable photos by Kira Stackhouse on
page 45, well then good news, we've
got more of our heartwarming chat with
the premier pooch photographer at
curvemag.com.
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I5
LETTERS
Heather Matarazzo
Sandra Bernhard
Chaz Bono
Close Encounter
From Curve's
Facebook Wall
Thank you so much for the Glenn Close
issue [Vol. 22#1]. I have been a long time
reader of curve and I took this issue with
me on vacation. It was by far the best I have
read yet. I loved the cover story and also the
fashion spreads. I found the whole issue to be
rich and interesting.
-Susan E., Old Saybrook, Conn.
~
McCarville
breaks
silen
High Praise
What a refreshing read! I love that "Heart
and Soul" [Vol. 22#1] got included in the
January issue. Spirituality is something
that is, sadly, often overlooked. As an out
lesbian who has a (painfully) conservative
religious background, it has been a hard
thing to reconcile my beliefs and my love of
the ladies. Mandy Wilson's article is won~
derful in that it addresses these issues and
offers resources to help lesbians find a way
to keep Christ in their lives. This article
made my day.
-Sarah S., Pigeon Forge,Tenn.
How important is it
Po 11that
your girlfriend
loves your pet?
important.
57% Very
Mustlovedogs
important,
22% Somewhat
butit's nota dealbreaker
cares?
11% Who
I'm allergic
as obsessed
with
10% Ifmyshecatisn't
as I am,it's off
According
to a curvemag.com
poll
Couldn'tcontainmy excitementwhen
I sawTegan& Sarain my mailbox.
Thankscurve! -Heidi Jean
Toohot.I melt!-Tina Huang
Extremelyhot!!!thesegirls rock!!!
Wed-Locked
I imagine that you'll receive quite a bit of slack
for January's "Tying the Knot or a Noose:"'
[Vol 22#1]. I just wanted to say bravo to
Victoria Brownworth for truly telling it like
it is. In my 12 years of reading curve, I don't
think a more honest phrase than "We need
to grow up for marriage" has been written.
-Jennifer M., Northampton, Mass.
While I appreciate Ms. Brownworth's attempt
to open readers' minds about some of the
lesser~known ramifications of lesbians becom~
ing legally married, I find that she made a
number of gross ( and wrong) assumptions.
What bothered me the most, though, was
that the author has obviously been involved,
by her own admission, in a string of monoga~
mous relationships. She assumes that there
is more stigma attached to a divorcee label
than there is to a failed 12~year partnership.
I, however, applaud the lesbians who under~
stand that being their partner's next of kin,
gaining inheritance rights and property
rights (not to mention rights to their children)
are not matters that should belong exclusively
to heterosexuals.
-Janelle Greene, Pittsburgh, Penn.
Speaking Up
I love your magazine. I am currently incarcer~
ated and a friend of mine handed me curve
to read. I found your articles in~depth and
intriguing. There are many lesbians in prison
and I believe they can benefit from reading
some of the articles printed in curve. It
would be nice to let them know that there's
-CavShaz
Bestideaever/overdue.
13yearsin
the industry,theydeserveit andmore.
w• T&S-Kaitlyn Lamm
I reallylovedJill Sloane-Goldstein's
articleon buildingmuscle.I recently
startedworkingout,andthe article
reallyencouraged
meto keepgoing!I
appreciateherfitnessandworkouttips!
ThanksJill!!!:) -Sarah Gray
I'd liketo commendyouonyour
pieceaboutopenrelationships.
It
wasrefreshinglynon-judgmental.
The
assumption
that queerladiesareserial
monogamists
is sotiresome;it's about
time we wererecognized
asjust as
diverseas everyothergroup!
-Deb Jannerson
LJLike
a whole community of lesbians who are doing
positive things and overcoming obstacles.
Thank you for being our voice.
-Tammy, Texas
Welcome Aboard
I am a male to female in transition transsexual.
I have been living full time as a woman for
13 great months now. I am also a lesbian still
in the closet and I would like to come out to
your readers. I accept who I am.
-Gina Marie Frederickson,Logan, Utah
Correction:
The photographer for "The Strength
Within" [Vol. 22#2] is Elvina Beck.
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CONTRIBUTORS
AllisonSteinbergreserves a special place in her heart for
her home base in New York City, but there's no dot on
the globe that she isn't willing to visit at least once. It's
serendipitous that she landed at JetBlue, where she is a
spokesperson and authors the company blog, BlueTales,
and enjoys her travel benefits to the fullest. Allison has
written for just about every LGBT media outlet (and
some mainstream ones, too) covering a broad range of
topics. Her passion for new experiences is topped only by
that for her partner, Tracy, and their adorable life together.
This month she tackles the touchy subject of long~term
lesbian love on page 40.
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KarenLoftus,
or Lofty as she is known on the Global Road,
got her initial jump into media and entertainment as an
award winning playwright and performer, a Tennessee
Williams Fellow and international comedian. She's per~
formed in the U.S., Europe, Asia and the Middle East
entertaining execs, the troops and theater savvy audiences
at clubs, concerts and theaters across the globe. Lofty still
travels the world and tells stories. She now puts on the
page what she once put on stage. With 50 countries and
60 media outlets under her belt, you can follow Lofty and
her global adventures @LAKarenLoftus. Read her adven~
tures on the Orient Express on page 62.
Whether traveling the world, working on movies or
is a
harvesting bananas in her back yard, KristinFlickinger
hard~working adventurer. After years as a lawyer, political
organizer and fundraiser, Kristin left a life in the suburbs
for Italy. Two years and five countries later, she settled in
Los Angeles where she works on film crews and explores
L.A:s spa scene. Being raised without queer role models
in the small town of Ketchum, Idaho inspired Kristin to
share her life in an open and honest manner. For more,
visit her blogs at midleap.com, where she shares her
adventures in love and life, and askthegay.com where she
answers questions about all aspects of life in the queer
community. Her travel piece on Portland is on page 58.
JanelleSorenson
is a writer first and a wannabe everything
else second. She juggles writing, filmmaking and raising
two beautiful lnstaDaughters with her partner in every~
thing, fellow curve writer Melany Joy Beck. Bring It 2
Peter, their first documentary is currently on the festival
circuit, and a behind the scenes rock 'n' roll tour documen~
tary is currently in production. Building a community
with fellow instant parents is important to Sorenson, and
an online community for experts and lnstaMoms alike is
in the works. Read her interview with celesbian lnstaMom
Tracy Ryerson on page 37.
April 2012
I7
EDITOR'S
NOTE
curve
THE BEST-SELLING
WHAT
Does it start the moment we lock eyes and decide we'd make a
great couple? Is it when we agree we both want children (we'll
work out where to get the sperm and who gets to be pregnantsomehow ). Or is it when you and she try to make divergent
biological pasts work under one roof: You have a kid from a
previous relationship and she does her best to be an lnstaMom.
Lesbian couples are not fully legally or socially sanctioned,
and yet here we are, making and raising babies together. How
exactly does that work when there is still so much that's not
approved-and
I'm not even talking about
straights policing us: I'm talking about our
own proscriptive lesbian selves.
I was quite appalled by the outbursts
from our community over a statement the
actor and LGBT activist Cynthia Nixon
made to the New York Times in January.
Nixon explained that for her, lesbianism
is a choice. "I understand that for many
people it's not, but for me it's a choice, and
you don't get to define my gayness for me:•
Lesbian Facebook nearly exploded. Nixon
backpedalled in the Advocate: "The technically precise term for my orientation is
bisexual. I believe bisexuality is not a choice,
it is a fact. What I have 'chosen' is to be in a
gay relationship. As I said in the Times and
will say again here, I do, however, believe
that most members of our communityas well as the majority of heterosexualscannot and do not choose the gender of the
persons with whom they seek to have intimate relationships
because, unlike me, they are only attracted to one sex:•
I'm not sure it was necessary for her to clarify her statement,
and the pressure to smooth out her words seems to me to strike
a blow against diversity. Isn't it more powerful that Nixon could
be with a man, but choosesto be with a woman? Why is "preference'' a dirty word? Nixon and her partner, Christine Marinoni
(a butch who prefers men's cowboy boots over women's-oops,
there's that word again-and who choseto give birth to Nixon's
and her son-another
act of will) make a delightful lesbian
family, and a blended one too: They are raising two children
from Nixon's previous heterosexual relationship (not a marriage)
and are planning to get married to each other.
One thing is very dear to me: Let's embrace lesbian families
wherever they come from and whatever form they take.
Family
Values
~~
Merryn J
s
Editor-inief
merryn@curvemag.com
s I curve
LESBIAN
MAGAZINE
IS A LESBIAN
FAMILY?
When does it begin/
APRIL 2012
I VOLUME 22 NUMBER 3
Publisher Silke Bader
Founding Publisher Frances Stevens
EDITORIAL
Editor in Chief Merryn Johns
Managing Editor Rachel Shatto
Associate Editor Jillian Eugenios
Book Review Editor Rachel Pepper
Contributing Editors Victoria A. Brownworth, Gina Daggett,
Sheryl Kay, Stephanie Schroeder, Constance Parten
Copy Editor Katherine Wright
Editorial Assistants Emelina Minero, Rosanna Rios Spicer
OPERATIONS
Director of Operations Laura McConnell
ADVERTISING
National Sales
Rivendell Media (908)232-2021, info@rivendellmedia.com
East Coast Sales
Kristin R. Thomas (704)837-0171, kristin@curvemag.com
Robin Perron (910)795-0907, robin@curvemag.com
West Coast & Midwest Sales
Deidre Saddoris (303)242-5479, deidre@curvemag.com
Business Development
Sallyanne Monti (510) 545-4986, sallyanne@curvemag.com
ART/PRODUCTION
Art Director Stefanie Liang
Production Artist Kelly Nuti
CONTRIBUTING
WRITERS
Kathy Beige, Kelsy Chauvin, Lyndsey D'Arcangelo, Maria De La
0, Jill Goldstein, Lisa Gunther, Melany Joy Beck, Kristin Flickinger,
Gillian Kendall, Charlene Lichtenstein, Karen Loftus, Sassafras
Lowrey, Ariel Messman-Rucker, Constance Parten, Laurie K.
Schenden, Stephanie Schroeder, Lori Selke, Kristin Smith, Janelle
Sorenson, Allison Steinberg, Dave Steinfeld, Edie Stull, Yana
Tallon-Hicks, Tina Vasquez, Jocelyn Voo
CONTRIBUTING
ILLUSTRATORS
& PHOTOGRAPHERS
Erica Beckman, Meagan Cignoli, JD Disalvatore, Sophia Hantzes,
Syd London, Cheryl Mazak, Maggie Parker, Constance Parten,
Leslie Van Stelten, Katherine Streeter, Kina Williams
PO Box 467
New York, NY i 0034
Phone (415) 871-0569 Fax (510) 380-7487
Advertising Sales (415) 692-5420
Subscription Inquiries (800) 705-0070 (toll-free in us only)
(818) 286-31 02 (outside US)
Digital Edition Subscriptions zinio.com/digital.curvemag
Advertising Email advertising@curvemag.com
Editorial Email editor@curvemag.com
Letters to the Editor Email letters@curvemag.com
Volume 22 Issue 3 Curve (ISSN 1087-867X) is published monthly (except for bimonthly
January/February and July/August) by Avalon Media, LLC, PO Box 467, New York NY
10034. Subscription price: $59.90/year, $59.90 Canadian (U.S. funds only) and $89.95
international (U.S. funds only). Returned checks will be assessed a $25 surcharge. Periodicals
postage paid at San Francisco, CA 94114 and at additional mailing offices (USPS 0010-355).
Contents of Curve Magazine may not be reproduced in any manner, either whole or in part,
without written permission from the publisher. Publication of the name or photograph of any
persons or organizations appearing, advertising or listing in Curve may not be taken as an
indication of the sexual orientation of that individual or group unless specifically stated. Curve
welcomes letters, queries, unsolicited manuscripts and artwork. Include SASE for response.
Lack of any representation only signifies insufficient materials. Submissions cannot be
returned unless a self-addressed stamped envelope is included. No responsibility is assumed
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unless specifically stated. All magazines sent discreetly. Subscription Inquiries: Please write
to Curve, Avalon Media LLC., PO Box 467 New York NY 10034, email crvcs@magserv.com.
Canadian Agreement Number: 40793029. Postmaster:Send Canadianaddresschangesto crvcs@
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Curve, PO Box 17138, N. Hollywood,CA 91615-7138. Printedin the U.S.
curvemag.com
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Domestic partners have unique investment planning needs and challenges. You've worked hard to
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Singer-songwriter,
teacher, wife, mom
and all-round
community builder,
Julie Durden, is
spreading selfacceptance and
love through her
music and to
her students.
Imagine You & Me
Shouldn't there be a wedding ring that goes beyond the glam
and glitz, perhaps something unique and non-traditional
that helps in queering this most-traditional of traditions:'
Now there is, thanks to Patrick Laing's You & Me wedding
and eternity rings. These one-of-a-kind rings are the perfect
option for lesbian romantics, because both brides-to-be
become an integral part of their creation by lending their
imprints to the inside of their partner's wedding band.
Here's how it works: a casting of your partner's ring finger
(and vice-versa) is taken and used to mold your ring, so that
the interior of the finished band features an impression of
your partner's finger-which will encircle your finger for as
long as you wear the ring.
These singular bands are available in a variety of precious
metals (including gold, silver or platinum) as well as in a
variety of finishes and widths, which means your ring-like
your partner-can
be your perfect match.
While Laing is located in London, you needn't hop the
pond in order to have the cast done. Instead, request for
a specially designed impression kit to be mailed to you, so
you and your lady can make the casts together at home.
How romantic is that? (patricklaing.com) [EmelinaMinero]
Dream cast:
Creating the
impression
(left) and the
final product
April 2012
I 11
CURVATURES
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Industrial Design
Lesbian-owned Lyon Fine Jewelry supports equal rights in style. By Emelina Minero
So, you've found that special someone, and you've decided to pop
the question-now comes the tricky part: the ring! You can certainly
go the traditional route with a diamond solitaire set in gold but
if non~traditional, high fashion with plenty of edge is more your
speed then Lyon Fine Jewelry is just what you've been waiting for.
We deserve jewelry that matches our style, flair and commitment
to love and fortunately, Lauren Russell, the lesbian owner behind
Lyon Fine Jewelry has created just that.
Russell isn't just breaking the mold with her designs-she's also
using her jewelry to help lift the ban on gay marriage by launch~
ing her Equality Bracelet collection. Proceeds from the Equality
Bracelets go to Friendfactor, an organization that helps rally straight
allies and that helped pass the New York marriage law.
'J\ny gay person can rally for gay rights and it's like, Yeah, great,
gay rights for yourself, but if you get straight people involved, it
means something more. (It's] coming from someone else. (There
are] other people supporting it. That was something I wanted to
be a part of;' says Russell.
Although Russell receives many custom orders for wedding
and engagement rings, she also designs rings for every occasion, as
well as earrings, necklaces, bracelets and cuffiinks. A client favorite
is the La Nouvelle~Orleans ring, which has a chain draped over
hand~carved black jade with a rock 'n' roll chain band.
Russell's first collection was inspired by the street culture of
New York City. "I'd be walking around looking at graffiti and art
and what people were wearing," says Russell. "I try to make every~
thing really edgy and wearable, but at the same time really high~end
and classy and kind of a mix of both worlds:'
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1. Bedford bracelet
2. Sainte Helene ring
3. Provinciales ring
4. Bron-Yr-Aur necklace
5. Valencia ring, Thera ring
6. Hillerod ring
7. La Nouvelle-Orleans
8. Chamonix cufflinks
9. Mauritius earrings
10. Bowie ring
Russell's talent for creating wearable art that complements
both formal and casual attire has made her designs popular with
fashion~forward lesbians and celebrities including Sarah Michelle
Gellar and Nicole Ari Parker.
Her upcoming collection has a more unisex focus. "It's going to
stay industrial, even more modern industrial. I really want to create
pieces that you don't see anywhere and that you look at and say,
Wow, that's a piece of art:'
Whether you are looking for the perfect ring for your fiancee
or just want to bling up your own collection, you can't do better
than Russell's sophisticated and subversive take on fine jewelry.
(lyonfinejewelry.com)
■
CURVATURES
the rundown
The Fifth District Court of Appeal in Daytona
Beach,
Fla.handed down a decision
granting both lesbian (former) partners in an anonymous lesbian couple parental
rights to their daughter. This decision overturned an earlier ruling, which only
granted parental rights to the birth mother. The child was born via the donation of
an egg from one mother that was then carried and birthed
by the other. The case will now go to the FloridaSupreme
Court... TheLesbianHelplinerun by TheIndianCommunity
WelfareOrganisation
based in Chennai,
Indiais the nation's
first support line for lesbian women in the country and is
receiving on average more than one call a day from women
struggling with a variety of issues including arranged
marriage, suicidal feelings and harassment. In 2011 the
hotline received 400 calls, up from 150 the year before ...
MelissaGartnerand HeatherGartner,a married lesbian
couple in Iowa,sued the state after the Department of
Public Health refused to list both names on their daugh~
District
JudgeElizaOvrom
ter's birth certificate. PolkCounty
issued a ruling in favor of the couple relying on the state's Supreme Court
ruling on marriage equality for gay and lesbian couples in the state ... Two
men are standing trial for kidnapping, rape and hate crime enhancement of a
Calif.Police say the woman was gang raped by Humberto
lesbian in Richmond,
Salvador and Robert Ortiz on the street outside of her home, and then under
the stairs of her apartment complex where the men left her naked. A third man
Darrell Hodges pled guilty last month on charges connected to the crime ... Beit
Hasho'eva,
the last lesbian bar in TelAviv,Israel,has closed its doors after 14 years.
The bar, which had previously been known as the Minerva,burnt down, reopened
and was sold, reopening three years ago as Beit Hasho'eva. It was a gathering
Lowrey]
place and refuge for diverse groups of lesbians within the city. [Sassafras
The irony is three
levels deep on this
geektastic teeparodying the design
made popular by
nerd-kind for years.
Now it's finally getting
the gay treatment in
neon hues for homos
who howl at the moon
($20, dyketees.com)
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OUTINFRONT
Driving
Force
Education and service,
in the name of activism.
By Sheryl Kay
Stepping Up and Out
LeaGee-Tong
was only an eighth~grader when
she came out as queer to her family and
friends-and considers herself lucky that the
announcement was met with such love and
support. 'Tm the product of an accountant
and a sex educator;' says Gee~Tong, now 21.
"I grew up with gay family friends, and went
to progressive schools, and lived in a regional
area-the
Bay Area-that
mostly tolerates
and sometimes celebrates differences:'
But even in the gay~friendly Bay Area,
not all queer kids are as lucky as Gee~Tong.
She was also acquainted with several LGBT
youths who faced daily bullying at school and
were disowned by their parents. In response,
Gee~Tong decided to use her"privileged back~
ground" to further the movement.
Her activist career began in high school,
where she cofounded a Gay~Straight Alliance.
Three years later, she left for Stanford and
continued advocating for LGBT civil rights
as an officer in the activists' collective Stanford
Students for Queer Liberation and as a
coordinator of the Safe and Open Spaces at
Stanford project there.
Ever committed, Gee~Tong is now working
on the LGBT Health Stories Project through
the Stanford School of Medicine's LGBT
Medical Education Research Group, collecting
stories from patients about their positive and
negative experiences accessing health care.
She and her teammates hope to create edu~
cational materials, an anthology and a website
with these written and oral narratives from
LGBT patients.
"These stories are incredibly powerful,
and I hope they will be educational and help
motivate medical care professionals to aug~
ment their skills in order to provide excellent
care to their LGBT patients;' she says.
Although she does think that lesbians have
made great strides in achieving equal rights,
Gee~Tong says she is committed for the long
haul, because homophobia and transphobia
still exist in schools, religious communities,
neighborhoods and families. "Each of us can
do our share to create a safe space for other
queer women:'
Dynamic Dedication
AnatSalomonmight as well have been born
with a camera in her hand. From the time she
was a small child, and continuing through her
mandatory military service in Israel, either
a still or movie camera was always nearby.
Recalling her shyness in her early years she
says, "Having a twin sister made it a bit easier.
She dealt with all the social issues and I hid
behind a camera:'
The single lesbian mom wears several hats,
including that of producer for the Tel Aviv
International LGBT Film Festival, which
she has helped grow from 2,500 attendees
only three years ago, to more than 10,000
last year.
She also helps produce the Gay Parade in
Tel Aviv, a city that was recently named the
gay capital of the Middle East.
And in her "spare'' time, Salomon sits on
the board of the Aguda, the Israeli National
LGBT task force, hoping to influence more
women to take part in the community and
help advance lesbian issues.
"It feels like women don't get enough recog~
nition in what they do;' observes Salomon. "It
all stays behind the scenes and I have joined
in order to change that:'
As a long~time active member in the com~
munity, Salomon takes issue with some of
the recent press suggesting that Israel does
not have a thriving gay community, but
rather pretends it does in an effort to appear
liberal and accepting and thereby deflect
any criticism for its perceived treatment
of Palestinians who live within its borders.
Salomon believes that is completely errone~
ous: Homophobia exists in Israel as much
as it does all over the world, and the LGBT
community is working on recognition and
education on a daily basis there.
Israel, she says, is one of the leading
countries in advancing LGBT rights. For
Palestinians, she notes, acceptance is elusive
in their own communities, so they often flock
to activities in the Israeli LGBT community.
"There's no political agenda attached to
the fact that it is hard to be a gay Palestinian;'
she says. "I don't think that Israel is trying to
show off as cool and liberal in the media in
regards to the LGBT community. These are
two separate issues:' ■
April 2012
I 17
LAUGH
TRACK
All in the Family
Funny lady Margaret Cho gets serious about family. By Jillian Eugenics
For stand-up comic extraordinaire Margaret Cho, comedy runs
in the family. "My mom is so hilarious that I can't help but feel it;'
says Cho. "I don't really even write about her. She just says stuff
that I just steal off her:' Family is important to Cho and she's tightknit with her parents, hubby and pets. A doting mother to her two
gorgeous dogs, the Drop Dead Diva star sat down to talk about her
musical inspiration, family life and marriage equality.
OnyourChoDependent
touryoucombinedmusicandcomedy.Will
youcontinue
to dothatin futureprojects?
Right now I'm super focused on stand-up comedy and that's where
my heart is, but I love playing music. It's something that is a part of
my life and I guess even my music is stand-up comedy to me. It's
only part of what I do but I'm a comic so that's always first.
Arethereanymusicians
you'despecially
loveto collaborate
with?
I love so many people. I'd love to do something with Linda Perry;
we've discussed that and I think she's just phenomenal. I'd love
to do something with JD Samson. I would love to do more with
Kathy Griffin, more with Fiona Apple, more with Ani DiFranco,
more with Tegan and Sara ... these people that I listen to and love.
I'm just so lucky.
That'sa greatline-upof queermusicians.
Yeah, they're all friends and they're all people that I really admire.
Whoarethefurrymembers
of yourfamilythesedays?
I have two dogs, a Chihuahua- Pomeranian mix, she's sort of everything, and her name is Gudrun. And there's Bronwyn who is my
Australian Cattle Dog mix and she's just wonderful. The connection between people and animals is so important and something
that needs to be written about and talked about more. I love that I
get to sing ["Hey Big Dog"] for my dog [who passed away]. I think
all animal lovers can really relate to the tight communication that you have with your animals and the love
that we have for each other. It's really remarkable.
What'sthe inspiration
behindthosenames?
Gudrun is the name of a Nordic goddess. I wanted to
name her a very fierce, cute but strong name because
she was small when I got her and I wanted something
that was protective. Bronwyn is an old Welsh name
that I'm really fond 0£ I think it's a really great, pretty
name and she's brown so it works.
You'vebeenmarried1Oyears.Hasthe experience
been
differentthanwhatyouimagined?
It is and it isn't. I think it made me realize that marriage
equality is very important. It made me realize that
when people are married they become a family and
that's absolutely essential for everyone. The fact that
gays and lesbians are not allowed to get married is just
sickening. It's really like you're creating this idea that
we're not allowed to have families and that we're not
worthy of families and that is the most awful thing
that anybody could think or say or do. Marriage is
very important to me and I feel like it's something that
we need in the queer community, not necessarily as a
symbol of relationships but as a symbol of equality.
How will we make marriageequalityhappenin this
country?
I think it's going to happen. It's about really discussing it and that it's not about marriage, it's about
equality. It's not about religion or this expression of
hatred in legislation. It's about making sure that we
have democracy and constantly emphasizing that.
( margaretcho.com)■
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Bi-coastal Connections Cynthia Nixon wows on stage
while dot429 networks in the city by the bay.
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In New York a bald, brave and beautiful Cynthia
Nixon wowed the audience of the opening night performance of the Pulitzer Prize-winning Wit at the
Samuel J.Friedman Theatre on Jan. 26. Nixon stars
as Vivian Bearing, a brilliant but unforgiving English
professor suffering from ovarian cancer. Sharing
the applause with Nixon were playwright Margaret
Edson and Manhattan Theater Club artistic director
Lynne Meadow.
San Francisco-based dot429, aligned with Wells
Fargo, hosts monthly networking LGBT get-togethers in N.Y.C., L.A., San Francisco and Miami.
Similar to a queer Linkedln, but with the benefit of
being"live" as well as online, dot429 offers a premium
professional networking resource for the LGBT
community and monthly gatherings featuring guest
speakers, cocktails and conversation. On Jan. 12 at
the Harlot in San Francisco the featured speaker was
Matthias Hollwich, principal of New York-based
Hollwich Kushner and the co-founder of Architizer,
an architect networking site and the brain behind
BOOM, a $250 million retirement community for
LGBT seniors in Palm Springs.
The friendly and vibey environment, not to mention
free-flowing vodka cocktails, made connections
between the business-minded attendees easy, who
entered to win a staycation at San Francisco's Hotel
Nikko and two tickets to the Symphony. ■
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I 19
LESBOFILE
Myth Busting Celesbianrumorsare put to rest this month.
By Jocelyn Voo
Cherthe Love
It couldn't last forever-or
at least that's
what the National Enquirer reports. The
much-publicized support Cher lavished on
her new son Chaz through his gender reassignment journey would lead one to think
that their relationship is the gold standard
for parents and their LGBT kids. However,
looks like that may have been more fiction
than fact.
After Chaz Bono's split from his muchpublicized relationship with Jennifer Elia,
the Burlesque star allegedly let loose over
the holidays about her true feelings for Elia,
telling Chaz that he'd wasted his time on
her, ending, "You make me sick-I never
want to see you again!"
The source explains, "She's just never
been able to bring herself to love Chaz as
a man:'
Whether their situation is more fairy
tale or soap opera, is this where we cue
the lyrics to "Believe"r
LesbianMarriageOlympics
Looks like Rosie's trying to set a new record
with the old joke about lesbians getting
coupled too fast. O'Donnell met Michelle
Rounds in a Starbucks, proposed a few
months later, and now the talk show host
is broadcasting to the world that Rounds is
trying to get pregnant.
Looks like shopping for bridal gowns
will be coupled with maternity clothes.
20
I curve
TheRealDeal
Yes, Demi Moore is doing a one-woman
show impersonating Britney or Lindsay or
any number of rising young starlets whose
lives spiraled into a mess of drugs and
paparazzi. However, in between whip-its
and rehab pleas from her loved ones, Moore
didn't have an affair with Real Housewives
of Beverly Hills' Brandi Glanville. While
the National Enquirer reports that the
two had a fling in March 2009 at Moore's
ex-husband Bruce Willis' island retreat on
Turks & Caicos, Glanville, however, says
that these reports are "100 percent false:•
CaseClosed
Even though starlet Evan Rachel Wood
announced her bisexuality last year, the
Ides of March actor ( and former fiancee
of shock-rocker Marilyn Manson) denies
having requested an open marriage with
current fiance Jamie Bell, as the National
Enquirer reported. Wood took to Twitter
to set the record, um, straight: "FYI the
national enquirer makes me sick. I do
not have an open marriage. They can
take their lies and shove it. Sorry ladies."
back in January, she replied, "I don't know.
We got to get through a year first. It's been
eight months. We're going on nine:•
Jezebel breaks down the numbers for us:
the twosome were spotted holding hands
in November last year, three months after
the Talk host broke up with Allison Adler,
her partner for nine years and mother of
her two kids. We're no rocket scientists,
but we'd say that kind of math adds up to
homewrecker.
Then again, all's fair in lezzie love and
war, right? ■
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Even if math wasn't your forte in school,
bear with us-it's worth it.
So music legend Linda Perry scooped
up actor Sara Gilbert not too long ago, and
when commenting on the pair's longevity
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She Said
April 2012
I 21
Closet Love Conundrum How have you managed to hold on to your sanity,
let alone your love, all these years? By Lipstick and Dipstick
Dear Lipstick and Dipstick: I've been in a relationship with a female for 13 years.
Dipstick:Right on, Lipstick!
And I've got news for you,
Wonderful-you
may think
some serious things now. Will I go to heaven? Will I ever have kids? Am I going
you've been hiding it from
to live the rest of my life feeling even more depressed about the life that I've
family and friends, but they all
know.Trust us on this one. And
created for myself? My girlfriend knows absolutely nothing about the way I've
even though you think you're
been feeling. I don't want to burden her, if this is just a phase. I am 31 years
protecting her, your girlfriend
old and she is 29. We have a wonderful life together, but for several months I
feels you pulling away, too, so
have been fighting with myself internally. I have no one to talk to because no
you need to fill her in. Since
part of this is a religious issue,
one knows about our relationship, and this includes my family, my coworkers
find a supportive person to talk
and my friends. I have never felt comfortable saying I'm in a relationship with a
to at a gay-friendly church and
girl. It bothers me to even say it out loud and I don't know why. I love her and
pray for clarity. You're wasting
would do anything for her! I can't talk to anyone, nor have I ever considered
so much energy by living in the
closet, making up lies and hideven asking for advice until today. -Wonderful, but Wondering
ing your true self, that you've
probably lost touch with the
real you. No wonder you don't
Lipstick:Thirteen years in the closet and be the best thing you've done in your 31 know what you want anymore.
neither of you are in a straight jacket?
years. We promise.
Congratulations, you've won a trophy for
Confront this head-on and come back DearLipstickandDipstick:
I am newlyout.I
the longest closeted relationship. How
to us if you need more help, off the page. meta womanonlinewhoseemedreallyinterhave you managed to hold on to your sanested.We'dbeenemailingbackandforthfor
We're here for you.
ity, let alone your love, all these years? The
closet typically kills both rather quickly.
I'm speaking the gospel here, Wonderer,
so listen carefully: The reason you're feeling this way is you have
major unresolved issues
around your sexuality.
This is the root of your
unhappiness and anxiety.
You need to go see an
LGBT-friendly therapist
right away and tease this
out. Facing and processing your fear is the only
way to exorcise the shame
and all the other negative emotions you have
around who you are.
Once you go from selfloathing to acceptance, it
will change everything for the better-within
yourself and in your relationships. It will
I love her with all my heart and cannot see living without her, but I'm questioning
22
I curve
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Lipstick & Dipstick ADVICE
weeks,but thenall of a suddenshesent
mea "DearJane"notewitha linktoa websiteonhowto makemoney.
Therewasonly
onelineintheemailandit said,"I'vefinally
reachedthe top. Goodbye."
I was blindsided.Therewas no mentionof incomein
ouremails,so thisone-linegoodbye
note
totallythrewmeoff.Whatkindof goodbye
wasthat?-NonplussedNewbie
Dipstick:
OMG, Newbie. You just crack
me up. Get in touch with the gal. I'm sure
her email was hacked by spam. Lipstick,
have you ever heard of such a thing? A
spambot breaking up a lesbian couple?
Lipstick:No, Dip, I haven't, but an email
my girlfriend sent me last week nearly
broke us up. She told me my penis had
some sort of dysfunction, so I should
try Viagra. Then, to make matters even
worse, she tried to sell me a Rolex at
a 60 percent discount! Newbie, Dip's
right. Sounds like you've been punked
by junkmaiL
DearLipstick
andDipstick:
I'vebeendating
a womanfor threeweeks.We are in our
late 3Os.We'vebeenseeingeach other
abouttwice a week and alwayshavea
greattime.At the end of the dates,she
seemseagerto see me again,andwe've
oftenplannedthe nextdate righton the
spot.OnethingI am worriedaboutis that
betweendatessheoftentakesa coupleof
daysto answermy emails(we bothhate
the phone).Waitingfor herto answermy
emailsisstressing
meout!Between
dates,
I startto wonderwhethershe'schanged
her mindaboutlikingme. It almostcancelsoutthe thrill I feel at finallymeeting
someone
I'mattractedto andenjoyspending time with. Howfrequentlyshouldwe
be emailing?Or,howcan I kill the stress
andjust enjoythe ride?-Tongue-tiedin
TinselTown
Lipstick:If I'm being honest-and
this
may well make things worse for you-I
don't think this woman is super~inter~
ested. Why? This totally goes against the
dyke dating grain, which typically mani~
fests into mutual obsession. Normally,
you'd be emailing each other back and
forth 10 times a day. That doesn't mean
she won't get to the point where she
sprints to her computer to see if you've
written (as I'm certain you do), but
it does mean that right now there's an
imbalance. Prepare your heart, cool your
jets, and take this piece of advice: Try
getting this obsession under control by
distracting yoursel£ Try meditating five
minutes a day, working out to get healthy,
and turning your tunnel vision backinward.
Set some boundaries around how you're
allowing yourself to act and feel, too.
Whether you know it or not, feeling
and behaving this way are choices you're
making. Refocus on yourself and things
should get back into balance.
Dipstick:Puh~leese, Lipstick. It sounds
to me like her lady friend is behaving in
a manner that's completely appropriate
for two adult women who have gone on
only a few dates. Dykes don't need to
obsess to show interest. And they don't
need to meditate to be in balance either.
Being insecure at the beginning of a
relationship is normal.
Tongue~tied, just relax. Maybe this
woman hates email as much as she hates
the phone and doesn't have the time or
the inclination to check it compulsively.
Either way, here is a simple solution:
Do not email her between dates. Make
your plans with her and then wait to see
her again in person. If you need to con~
firm, do so by text. When you're with
her, try to stay in the moment and enjoy
the connection. When you're apart, try
to stay in the moment and not obsess
about her. It will work out or it won'tdriving yourself crazy isn't going to
help. ■
Tune in to curvemag.com/
lipstickanddipstick
to watch
The Lipstick& Dipstick
Show.Or writeto tv@
lipstickdipstick.com.
ADVICESex
The Pleasure Principle
Hot Sex 101 is at your fingertips,
no matter how you identify. By Yana Tallon-Hicks
There's a reason why Diana Cage's
new book isn't called Mind-Blowing
Lesbian Sex. With her name on the
cover, however, you might think it
should be. Since she's a former editor
of the legendary lesbian sex magazine On Our Backs, and the author
of essential lesbian reads such as Girl
or 'they're bored going
down on me for 20 minutes: There are millions
of messages in your head
preventing you from paying attention to what's
actually going on. We
need to quiet the negative
messages and realize that
Meets Girl: A Dating Survival Guide
they're not useful and not
and Box Lunch: The Laypersons
doing us anyfavors:'Instead, Cage
Guide to Cunnilingus,it only makes
sense that Cage's latest book would be
urges us to "cultivate a sexy conabout sex for girl-loving girls. Instead,
sciousness;' which she describes
this famously one-step-ahead sexas "getting into our [own] heads
pert says that for all "female-bodied
in a sexual way" by giving ourpeople'' solving the problem of sexual
selves permission to figure out
desire begins by taking sexual and
what we find sexy, to embrace our
own eroticism, and to find out
gender identity out of the equation
what really turns us on. Without
altogether.
this kind of sexual mental clarDuring the three years that The
Diana CageShowaired on Sirius XM,
ity, Cage says, sex becomes all
Cage, already well into her career as an
about the body, and therefore
expert on lesbian sexuality, came to a
less interesting. Without mental
new realization. "Previously;' she says,
stimulus and eroticism, "you may
"I had always traveled in an urban
as well be brushing your hair;'
lesbian world-my
dating pool was
she laughs.
"When I read other sex books;'
always urban and lesbian. Suddenly
she says, "there's advice to 'culti[on the radio show], I'm talking to
vate your inner sex kitten: This
all kinds of lesbians-those
from
"Having good sex isn't about who
thinking is reductive. Good sex is
the Midwest, truckers-all kinds of
different people. And what I realyou're having sex with. You are the not about finding the cliche, but
is about getting in your head and
ized is that what we wanted from
key to having good sex. If you're a figuring out what actually makes
sex and didn't know about sex was
the same:•
female-bodied person, you have the you feel good and what makes you
crave somebody else. We, as people,
Whether you're lesbian-identified, transgender or cisgender, and same basic needs, regardless of the judge what we find hot. Not only
however your partners identify on
do you need to give yourself perkind of body your partner has."
mission to fantasize, but to also
the ever-blurring scale of modern
have an erotic experience:•
queer identities, if you're femaleWhile our physical commonalities may
When we get stuck in our sexual and
bodied, Cage says, your basic sexual needs
seem obvious to some, Cage reminds us
gender identities, we can also limit ourremain the same: 'Tm a dyke. The gender of
that sex, gender, sexuality, and identity are
selves to the types of sex, the fantasies,
my partner is hugely important to meso intertwined that we can actually forget
and the eroticism that we believe should
it's part of my culture and it's part of my
the importance of getting back to one of
properly be paired with those identitiesidentity. But, having good sex isn't about
the most crucial aspects of good sex-our
for example, all lesbians take turns having
who you're having sex with. You are the
key to having good sex. If you're a femaleminds. "You have to get your head in the
orgasms, all butch women are "stone;' trans
bodied person, you have the same basic
right place to even be able to feel the physical. guys never fantasize about X, Y or Z. To
needs, regardless of the kind of body your
We're so often distracted by work, by our
get these stereotypes and barriers out of
partner has:•
day, or by thoughts like Tm not attractive;
the way of our own "sexy consciousness;'
24
I curve
Cage asks us in the introduction to MindBlowing Sex: A Womans Guide to "forget
sexual orientation and sexual identity" and
return to a more self-focused kind of sexuality. 'Tm a femme lesbian who sleeps with
butch lesbians;' she says, "and my sexuality
is expressed in a way that is similar to
other women in butch/ femme relationships. However, my ability to enjoy sex and
my identity are not completely linked:'
From the beginning of female sexuality, she
25
Diana Cage's book is a wealth of hot hints on how to reignite or start
a superlative sex life. Here is a summary of some of our favorites:
2. Test-driveyour sexy.
Masturbatefrequently.
10. Makelists: things
youfind sexyin other
people;your hottestsexual
experiencesor memories.
4. Keepyour sexdrive alive
by engagingwith erotic
stimuli.There'snothing
wrongwith enjoyingerotica
and pornon yourterms.
11.Haveconversationsabout
sex regularly.Beawareof
the powerof words.
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12.Wearsomethingsexy.
Dressingfor sexcanturn on
bothyou and your lover.
16.Don'tbe shyaboutyour
body.Letyourloversee
younaked.
17.Touch,strokeand kiss
yourloverthe wayyouwould
like herto touchyou.
18.Takea bathtogether.
Washyourpartnerthoroughly,
payingspecialattentionto
the feel of herwet skin.
19. Use positive
reinforcementto
get what you want
during sex play.
13.Useflirting as foreplay.
Try glancingsuggestivelyat
your loverfrom acrossthe
table,then lookingaway.
20. Staypresent.Keep
yourmindfrom wandering
duringsex.
7. Behealthy.Thebestthing
you can do for yoursex life is
take goodcare of your body.
21.Thinkof orgasmsas a
14.If you are in a relationship likelywayto endsex,not a
necessaryone.
wherethe sex hasdropped
off, bring kissingback.
22. Considerexploringrole-
8. Exercisingcan helpyou
haveeasier,faster and
strongerorgasms.
15.Avoidcriticizingyour
partnerat all costs.It's a
sureway to ruin a sex life.
play,bondageanddiscipline,
dominanceandsubmission,
spanking.
6. Developan erotic fantasy
life and openyour mindto
new sexualexperience.
0
9. Stress killsyour
sex life.Make a pact
with yourselfto get off
the stress cycle.
3. Kill a dry spell. Buynew
toys.Thiswill get you
thinkingaboutsex.
5. Ditchyourjudgments
aboutyourselfand aboutthe
peoplearoundyou.
0
awry, and figure out what it looks like to
have a sexuality that's not tainted by all of
these outside messages: How can we be
sexual outside of a partner? What does
spontaneous desire really look like? Figure
out what you are, who you are, what you
want, and then add back everything else.
Once you have a better grasp on how to
find pleasure, then you can embrace your
identity with far more fervor than you ever
■
did before:' (dianacage.com)
Tips For Mind-Blowing Sex
1. Spendsomequality
time gettingto knowyour
genitals.
~
says, our sexual bodies have been categorized-MILF,
cougar, femme, butch. "So
much meaning is attached to our bodies
that there's barely any other expression of
who we are beyond our physical selves. The
female body is public domain. Our own
bodies are used to sell us things so often
that sometimes we forget we own them:'
In order to reach mind-blowing sex,
Cage says, "we need to go way back to the
beginning, where things just started to go
23. Three-waysare exciting.
Threepeoplecan do things
that two peoplecan't.
24. Sexpartiescan be loads
of fun. A sex party is a great
way to be sex-positiveand
expandyour network.
25. Explore your
sexualitywith
your lovers. In a
world full of shame
and ignorance,
being a sexually
happy woman is a
revolutionaryact.
~
Cl)
April 2012
I 25
THETWOOFUS
Ashley and Christin
LunaBella founders Ashley Kelly and Christin Brown on love and life in the beauty biz.
By Jillian Eugenics
seeing my lady upset and not happy so
I told her to quit her job in November
of 2008 and I said we're going to bring
LunaBella back. We're going to do it
and be big at it.
Why they work so well together
Christin:When we were in Arizona we
worked together at Starbucks. Ashley
was my supervisor and we did not get
along. That was horrible because we'd
be mad at each other at work and then
bring it home. With makeup and hair
it's different. I get to look across and
see her whenever she's doing makeup.
It's motivating.
Ashley:We get to work on the same
canvas at the same time and have a visual
of what the other person is going for
and we're able to create this magic
together. Whenever Christin is about
finished with her hairstyle she always
includes me in it and we fine~tune the
details, I give her my opinion and she
gives me hers, and we are able to have
this great dance.
How they met
Ashley:I was with someone but it was about to be over and
Christin walked into the Starbucks where I was working. I
looked at her and thought that if I could date someone else it
would be her. Two more visits in we really started flirting and
I gave her my phone number, broke up with my girlfriend and
two weeks later we moved in together. We've been together for
going on 10 years. We got married in 2008, just 28 days before it
became illegal in California.
Starting the business
Ashley:We started LunaBella in San Francisco and had it going
for six to eight months and then we decided to move to Arizona.
Christin wanted to pursue being a chef so she went to culinary
school and I went to business school. We both hated Arizona, but
she finished and got her AA in culinary. I moved to Santa Barbara
to pursue makeup artistry. Christin came to live with me in Santa
Barbara and I moved my way up the ladder at MAC. Christin was
working a corporate job and she hated it. I was just tired of
26
I curve
Keep an eye out for us because
we definitely plan on making a
bigger impact in our community
and being more in the forefront of
representing who we are, what
we are and what we can do.
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Ashley:We're trying to create something that is made for lesbians
by a lesbian couple. That's just a little hint to keep an eye out for
us because we definitely plan on making a bigger impact in our
community and being more in the forefront of representing who
we are, what we are and what we can do. (lunabellamakeupart.com)■
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POLITICS
Questioning the Status Quo
Are our biological urges compatible with our lesbian identities? By Victoria A. Brownworth
Just because we can do something doesn't
mean we should.
As the alphabet salad of LGBTQQI non,
heterosexual sexuality gets mainstreamed,
our societal options seem to narrow rather
than expand. There's little room for variance:
We've codified the "straight looking, straight
acting" dictate of personal ads from years
gone by into an often,untenable reality for
ourselves as a queer community. Gone are
the extreme butches and nelly queens of
yesteryear. Those people are now pretending
to be either less masculine women or less
feminine men.
Marriage is now something we all can
strive for, and so is parenthood. But is that
the route we all should take?
About a third to a half of all adult lesbians
come to their lesbian lives from hetero,
sexual relationships. The majority of these
2s
I curve
previously married women have children.
Lesbian custody issues have been a concern
in our community for decades. One of the
first lesbian pulp novels, The Price of Salt,
by Patricia Highsmith (writing as Claire
Morgan) dealt in part with this problem:
How do we keep our children while also
being true to our lesbian lives?
Highsmith's novel was written half a
century ago. Surely, things have changed, or
have they?
Not really. If anything, the mainstream,
ing of queer sexuality has restricted our
community, forcing it into a heterosexual
paradigm that has little if anything to do
with us. Our queer leadership-such
as it
is-has intoned since Stonewall that we are
'Just like heterosexuals" until we have come
to believe it ourselves.
It's political heresy to question a status
quo that delivers lines like this, or the now,
endemic "it gets better;' even if we aren't like
heterosexuals at all-and it rarely gets bet,
ter unless you are a rich white guy to begin
with, because the bigotry of homophobia,
sexism and racism never goes away. Some
of us just learn to supersede it. But not
everyone. We may all be able to try to make
a better life for ourselves, but thinking that
just hitting 21 will change everything is,
well, crazy.
It is also a little nuts to think that all of us
are ready to be married, or parents, or both.
Just because we can breed doesn't mean we
should. How many of us grew up in perfect
families? How many of us think we are
ready to be better parents than our parents
were, while also being queer and also pre,
paring our children for life in a homophobic,
sexist culture?
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I do not have children. I did try going the
parenthood route, but I suffered two miscarriages and a stillbirth. An ex-partner and
I went through the adoption of a queer and
very psychologically messed up teenager,
despite the advice of social worker friends.
They were right-it went badly. In real life,
it's not easy to reverse the damage done by
families of origin-not
as easy as it is in
the movies. Neither of us has spoken to
our former adopted child in years. It was
as painful as the loss of the children I had
hoped to give birth to-maybe more so.
This isn't something I like to discuss, but
it's part of the story of lesbians having children-the
side we don't discuss, the part
where things don't work out. I did want a
child, or children, for a significant part of
my life. At times, I miss not having a child.
At other times, I am grateful that I don't
have that responsibility.
Yet responsibility is the operative word.
And just the way many lesbians bring a
U -Haul to the second date, many lesbians also
leap into having children together, without
appreciating the "lifetime commitment with
the co-parent" aspect of that decision.
Many of my lesbian friends and acquaintances have children. Yet I don't know
any lesbian couples whose relationship to
parenthood has been smooth, and I know a
regrettable number whose liveshave been torn
apart by parenting with the wrong person.
One thing to know, before you decide to have
a child with a lesbian partner, is that samesex marriage is legal in only six U.S. states, as
well as Washington, D.C., and adoption by
lesbians is legal in only 12 states.
The non-biological mother has no rights
to her partner's child unless they are legally
married, or she has legally adopted the child
of her partner, or both. This is perhaps the
most important fact of lesbian parenting,
because lesbian relationships break up.
And when they do there is often another
woman involved, and she may not want the
non-biological mom to see the child. Ever.
Think it won't happen to you? It happens
all the time. Custody battles between lesbians have become as regrettably common
as custody battles between lesbians and
their ex-husbands. The National Center for
Lesbian Rights (NCLR) has been taking
these cases on for two decades.
The reality is, the court system has not
caught up to 21st century families-where
there can be a birth father, a birth mother
and a nonbiological mother, or simply a
birth mother and a nonbiological mother.
Not to mention what might happen if a
biological mother dies and her family of
origin swoops in to take her child .
When children are part of a breakup,
How many of us
thinkwe are ready
to be better parents
than our parents
were, whilealso
being queer and
also preparingour
childrenfor lifein
a homophobic,
sexistculture?
division of property becomes quite a different issue from just deciding whose CDs
are whose.
We need to ask ourselves serious questions when we consider parenting, yet few
of us do-having a child is a deeply emotional thing. But if we don't look at the cold
hard facts as well as the emotions, we can
get caught in a lifetime of heartache.
Do you want to spend the rest of your
life (as opposed to the more common two
to six years of the average lesbian relationship) with another woman? Because if she
is the co-parent of your child, you will be
interacting with her and your child as long
as you all will live.
Is your partner responsible? It seems
like a simple question, and yet the rigors
of parenting demand real responsibility. If
something should happen to you-whether
it's as simple as being caught in traflic on
your way home from the office, or as devastating as a serious illness-can your partner
be responsible for your child?
Is your partner solvent, financially, and
sober, personally? Children are expensive.
In 2011, the cost of raising a child was close
to $250,000. That includes food, clothes,
shelter, medical expenses, education and
incidentals from birth to age 18. If your
partner is still thinking about getting that
"real" job and still likes to get high several
nights a week and drunk on weekends, she's
not parenting material, no matter how cute
she is or how good in bed.
How flexible is your partner? Children
are wild cards. If you are lucky, everything
goes smoothly, but that rarely happens.
Children are demanding, get sick constantly, require unfathomable amounts of
time, energy and love, and may not give
you back what you need. Will your partner
be able to stand up to the rigors of giving,
giving and giving?
Have you decided how you will get pregnant? Known donors mean a third party
is in the parenting mix, whether you think
he will be or not. Plus, in every state, a
man who is the biological father of a child
has rights to that child. Sperm donors are
unknowns, but at least they won't come
knocking to be co-parents.
How much money are you willing to pay
to get pregnant? Two close friends of mine
spent four years and thousands of dollars
getting pregnant. It nearly destroyed their
relationship. The ideal time to get pregnant
is when you're in your 20s. But in the 21st
century, almost no one is ready for motherhood and a lifetime commitment in her 20s.
Yet the longer you wait, the harder it will be
to get pregnant.
When the baby finally comes, it is not just
yours. It's hers, too. If you feel all proprietary
about your pregnancy and the eventual baby,
then co-parenting is not for you. Having a
baby is a romantic notion with terrifying
responsibilities and consequences attached.
If you aren't ready, then it will be a disaster
for you-and, more importantly, for your
child. Choose your co-parent wisely. It's
the most momentous decision you will ever
make. In the quest to be just like straight
people, we really need to be sure we aren't
making the queer version of the mistakes
they have made. Children-all
childrendeserve better. ■
April 2012
I 29
For most musicians, three years between albums is nothing unusual.
Indeed, in the 21st century, when artists (at least major artists)
mount lengthy tours to promote their latest release and record labels
squeeze as many singles and videos as they can out of a CD, three
years is almost expected. But Ani DiFranco isn't most musicians. For
two decades, she has released a new album nearly every year. So
the fact that DiFranco released her new studio disc, Which Side Are
You On?, after three years of relative silence, is noteworthy. And even
though most in the music industry would consider her a major artist,
DiFranco still records on her own label, Righteous Babe Records,
and is still playing by her own rules. In an age of pop-tarts and
cookie-cutter acts, she remains a true individual.
So what has DiFranco been up to in the three years since
Red Letter Year, her last studio effort:' Being a mom, for one
thing. DiFranco's daughter, Petah, recently turned 5. "The
parenting thing has put me onto normal human time, in
terms of my productivity;' she admits. "But thank goodness
for that change. I feel like if I was guilty of anything over
the years, it was putting records out too quickly. I had very
little will to perfect and scrutinize and develop things. I was
much more focused on being out there in the real world,
playing music for real people. So the fact that my daughter
has slowed me down has been great for my records:'
The new album features a dozen songs: 11 originals and
a radically reworked version of the title track, which was
popularized by the still~amazing Pete Seeger close to 50
years ago. Seeger actually joins DiFranco on her rendition
of the song. In addition, Which Side Are You On? features
appearances from singer~songwriter Anais Mitchell and
Louisiana's legendary Neville Brothers, too. Stylistically,
Which Side Are You On? isn't drastically different from past
albums. The songs are guitar~based, the melodies simple;
the words-not so simple-address a range of sociopolitical
subjects. In this age of Occupy movements, and with the
gap between the haves and the have~nots only widening,
the title track seems entirely
appropriate, even though it
was written long ago. "I hear
[the song] as a call to action;'
DiFranco states. 'i\nd society
seems to be rising to meet that call. The times, they are
a~changing. There's finally this spirit of activism (and]
involvement that is bubbling over. Realistically, we are still
recovering from Bush and Cheney-and
Reagan before
them. I start the opening verses of 'Which Side' with the
words '30 years of digging got us in this hole: We have to
counteract the fallacy that this economy has anything to do
with Obama! The deregulation, the tax situation, the abso~
lute rampage of the financial sector has been going on for
decades now-and this is the result:'
At a time when Ronald Reagan is often remembered as
an American hero, it's refreshing to hear DiFranco provide
us with a reality check. "(His presidency was] the begin~
ning of huge political problems;' she says. "Including a sort
of cult of celebrity. Like, an actor as president:' Really:' Is
there nothing to that job of any merit:' You just need a face
up front to make people feel good or turn them on, and
then behind the scenes you [can] have this takeover of the
government by corporations. It's awful:'
Elsewhere on Which Side Are You On?, DiFranco turns
her gaze to topics like the environment and (as is her tradi~
tion) feminism. The album is loaded with references to
women, to children and to animals. On 'i\mendment;'
Ap 12012
I31
thing;' she admits. "But of course not only is [it] unlikely
that a superhero is going to swoop down and save us, but
it's absolutely impossible if he is surrounded by people
who are unwilling to participate in the democratic process.
People have asked me a lot to comment on Obama. My will
is to keep shifting focus to the real disease in Washington,
or the main purveyors of this disease, which I think is a
Congress that is just riddled with corporate servants who
openly state that their only mission is to stop Obama and
anything he tries to do:'
But Difranco adds, "I think one of the most hopeful
things about Obama's election is how many people voted.
And it's not even an impressive amount, just a reasonable
amount. Usually, in the United States we have the lowest
voter participation of any developed nation:' The struggle to
retain some sort of optimism in challenging times is something else Difranco addresses on the new album. Witness
this passage from yet another track, called simply"J:'
You'd have thought we'd have come more far somehow
Since the changing of the guard and all,
I mean, dude could be FDR right now
And instead he's just shifting his weight.
... Don't let the poison get the best of me.
which is the second song from the last, she tackles the
idea of giving women the right to choose, once and for all.
'J\mendment" contains one of Dif ranco's best lines:
If men can kill and be decorated
Instead of blamed
Then a woman called upon to mother
Can choose to refrain.
Interestingly, in the midst of what is otherwise a very
political album, Difranco has included a couple of straightforward love songs, one of which is 'J\lbacore:' In a sense, it
stands out because of how understated it is-not to mention how personal. "I think if I'd have made this record
in a year, instead of three years, it would have been titled
J\lbacore;" she reveals. "That's one of my favorite songs of
this new group. It's very dear to me because it's sort of a
wedding song, a marriage song. When I set out making this
record, the heart of the record was love and commitmentand then as [it] evolved, a lot of other shit happened!"
Obviously, most of that "other shit" was not so much
personal as national-or
even global. When Obama was
elected president, Difranco (like many) thought he would
undo the horrors of the last eight years in short order. "I
had the na'ive idea that he would come in and fix every-
32
I curve
Not long after Petah was born, I asked Difranco how
she planned to instill a sense of optimism in her young
daughter, since the world was in such a precarious place. "I
think we're born with optimism;' she replied at the time.'J\
kid is happy unless otherwise instructed or bombarded or
affected. So I think it's the other way around, in that she is
instructing me in that area. Before she was born, I remember
having these sensations of, 'How can I bring a child into
this world of environmental doom and political crisis?' And
her response-without
words-is, 'What, are you kidding
mer This is a world of breezes and grass and sun and a cat!'
Suddenly, I have this very Zen perspective that accompanies me through her, and it makes all that insanity seem just
a little further away:'
Looking ahead to the remainder of 2012, Difranco
plans to spend a lot of this year on the road, supporting
Which Side Are You On? "[There will be] more touring than
in the last few years;' she confirms. "It's a good time to get
out there and get back to work. I've been sort of working as
little as possible for as long as possible, just to hang out with
my kid. So I think I'll get back to work in earnest [this year].
I think this is a good time for political activism, so I have
some things brewing in that department-in
association
with Occupy Washington, D.C., and other people. I was
just over in London last week, and I met a lot of amazing
people. It's so exciting to feel this energy brewing, not just in
the United States but all over the planet! It's a very hopeful
time, and I just want to be as energetic as I can and lend my
body and my voice to the cause:' (righteoushahe.com) ■
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BACK
TO SCHOOL
How to choose an LGBT-positive school for your child.
By Lisa A. Eramo
ll
"If children get messages from
the school community saying
[their] family isn't valued or
[their] family isn't welcomed,
then those children are going to
segment themselves and only
bring part of themselves to
school every day;' she says, adding that in such nonwelcoming
environments those students are
more likely to be judged and criticized.
Research supports this. Forty percent of students reported
that they had been verbally harassed in school because of
their LGBT family, according to the study Involved,Invisible,
Ignored: The Experiences of Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and
TransgenderParentsand Their Childrenin Our Nation's K-12
Schools.In this study, published in 2008 by the Gay, Lesbian
and Straight Education Network (GLSEN) in partnership with COLAGE and the Family Equality Council,
22 percent of students reported that a teacher, principal
or other staff member had discouraged them from talking
about their LGBT parents or family at school.
So how can LGBT parents choose a school wisely to
ensure that their children don't become one of these unfortunate statistics:'
s any parent knows, choosing a school for your child
is daunting at best. For LGBT parents, this important
decision is further complicated by the need to assess
whether the environment is LGBT-affirming, too. Will the
school accept and embrace my family? Will the school
ensure the safety of my child? These are just two of the
questions that LGBT parents need to ask.
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For JoAnn Halbig-Sanchez, 38, and her partner, Juanita
Halbig-Sanchez, 46, of Toledo, Ohio, acceptance and inclusion were prerequisites when they were searching for a school
for their two 5-year-old children.
"We expected nothing less than our kids being able to be
completely free about their family and having two moms;'
says JoAnn, adding that they know they've been "lucky to
have good experiences;' after having been out as a couple
since the onset of their search.
The reality, however, is that many LGBT parents continue
to face an uphill battle in schools nationwide, says Elizabeth J.
Meyer, PhD, the author of Gender,Bullying,and Harassment:
Strategiesto End Sexism and Homophobia in Schools.
"There are definitely some schools in some pockets that
have done some amazing things, but if we're talking nationwide, I think there are some serious gaps for (LGBT]
families and LGBT youth;' says Meyer, who is a professor of
education at California Polytechnic State University at San
Luis Obispo.
Those serious gaps can be harmful to both LGBT parents
and their children if they result in feelings of inferiority or
powerlessness, says Meyer.
'DOYOURffO~EWORK
Voice your questions and concerns while touring different
schools-something that not every LGBT parent is willing
or able to do, says Eliza Byard, PhD, the executive director
ofGLSEN.
"The vast majority of schools in the United States have not
April 2012
I 33
yet had an LGBT parent walk through their doors and say,
'Here I am, this is my family, how well are you prepared to
educate my child with the care and respect that every member
of every family deserves:"'' she says. Organizations such as
GLSEN, the Family Equality Council, and others may be
able to assist with this process.
At the elementary-school level, ask how teachers discuss
different family configurations, including same-sex families.
Do books in the library represent all types of families? Are
these books also available in the classroom? Although 89
percent of elementary-school teachers say that they include
representations of different families when the topic of families
comes up in their classrooms, only 21 percent of teachers
~tl'DWEST
Fll~ILYEQUIILlryCONFERENCE
The Family Equality Council is hosting the Midwest
Family EqualityConference,April 27-28. Now in its
17th year, this is the longest-running gathering
of the LGBT family community in the region. The
conference presents a full weekend of educational
and social events, and features activities and
sessions that allow LGBT families to learn more
about the topics that matter to them, to build on
their own community of support, to share their
stories to open hearts and minds, and to raise
their voices to create social justice.
(fam ilyeq ual ity.org/ conference)
34
I curve
report any representation of LGBT parents, according to
Playgrounds and Prejudice: Elementary School Climate in
the United States, a report published by GLSEN in 2012.
At the middle- and high-school levels, take a closer look
at the curriculum. School curriculums vary significantly in
terms of how they cover LGBT topics. Less than a third
of both parents and students reported that the school curriculum included representations of LGBT people, history
or events in the past school year, according to the 2008
GLSEN study.
LGBT topics-and particularly sexual orientation-are
typically included in a school's health curriculum, says Meyer.
"But it's not just a health issue. It's about identity and connections to community and culture;' she says.
California has recently taken a step toward a more inclusive discussion ofLGBT topics. The Fair, Accurate, Inclusive
and Respectful (FAIR) Education Act, SB48, ensures that
all students in California are taught about the contributions that LGBT people have made to society. The FAIR
Education Act requires schools to incorporate factual information about social movements, current events and a history
of LGBT people into existing social studies lessons. It
also prevents the State Board of Education from adopting
instructional materials that discriminate against them.
LGBT parents should inquire about how a school intends
to incorporate this information into classroom discussionseven if you live in a state where the dissemination of this
information isn't yet required by law, says Meyer.
LGBT parents should also consider talking directly with
a school's principal. "The personal beliefs and leadership style
of the principal have a huge impact on the climate and the
context of the school;' says Meyer.
One of the easiest ways to gauge a school's acceptance of
LGBT families is to inquire about whether a gay~straight
alliance (GSA) exists, says Andra Oshinsky, program events
associate for the Family Equality Council. "GSAs tend to
be a really good barometer for a certain level of safety and
acceptance within middle and high schools;' she says.
BRIIINSTO~ QUESTIONS
IN #l'l>V#INCE
When you visit a school, don't bombard staff members with
a laundry list of questions; rather, prioritize a list of must~
know information. Experts say these questions are crucial:
□ Doesthe schoolhavea nondiscrimination
policy
that includesperceived
or actualsexualorientation
and
genderidentity/expression?
D Doestheschoolhaveananti-bullying/anti-harass-
mentpolicythat includesperceived
or actualsexual
orientation
andgenderidentity/expression?
Thewebsite
glsen.orgprovidesa listof stateswithsafe-school
laws
designed
to reduceratesof bias-related
bullying,harassmentandviolencein K-12schools.However,
evenif a
statedoesnothavean anti-bullying/anti-harassment
policywrittenintolaw,individualschoolscanandshould
takethe necessary
stepsto improvethe schoolclimate
for studentsof LGBTfamilies,saysElizaByard.
D Doschoolformsspecify"parent/guardian"
rather
than"mother/father"?
□ Haveteachers
andotherstaffmembersreceived
trainingin anti-bullying
tactics?Havetheyreceived
trainingonfamilydiversitythat includesLGBTparents?
□ Areanyteachers
out?
□
Doesthe schooladdresstopicsof diversityin
general?If so,how?Doteachersdiscussdifferences
in ethnicity,religion,disability,sexualorientation
and
genderidentity/expression
on anongoingbasis?
□
Doestheschooladdresstopicsrelatedto genderin
general?
If so,how?"Research
hasshownthatpeople
whoholdmoretraditional,
stereotypical
understandings
of genderrolesaremorelikelyto behomophobic,"
says
Meyer."So,if theschooldealswithgenderequityand
diversityas partof theircurriculum
andas partof their
approach,
they'realsoprobablygoingto bemoreopento
beingopento LGBT-headed
families."
Howdoestheschooladdressissuesof gender
diversity?
Arethereanygender-nonconforming
children
in the school?Doestheschoolencourage
or support
gender-diverse
expressions
andplay?
□
''ICflllLLENGE
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Inquire whether the school has any
LGBT families that you could speak
with about their experiences, says
Byard. If a school isn't aware of any
such families, or declines to assist you
in speaking with them, this may be a
red flag indicating a nonwelcoming
environment, she adds. Also, consider
connecting with one of a multitude of
LGBT parent groups nationwide.
Sometimes, simply listening-rather
than asking questions-can
be helpful, says JoAnn Halbig~
Sanchez, adding that she and her partner eliminated a school
after hearing a teacher make a covert reference to a differ~
ently ab led community. "If a person shows signs of prejudice
toward a group of people, chances are they have issues with
other diverse people and families;' she adds.
TfllNK BIG-PICTURE
"Often, parents choose schools that are inclusive and affirming
of LGBT people, but the child may or may not identify that
way, and may need a community that reflects their identity
too;' says Elizabeth Castellana, national program director
forCOLAGE.
For example, a teenage male of color who has been adopted
by white lesbian moms may want to go to a school where he
isn't an ethnic minority. These factors change in significance
as the child ages, and parents must constantly communicate
with their children, Castellana says-adding that the most
important question for LGBT parents to consider is whether
the environment is one that they want for themselves, as
parents, or one that their child needs.
"Hopefully, the answer can often be that it's both, as the
role of the parent in a child's academic life is invaluable;' she
says."I challenge parents, especially as their children get older
and more independent, to ask their children what they want,
and to have open and honest conversations about where
there may be differences:'
1>0N'TGIVEII P#ISS-F#IILGRll'l>E
LGBT families shouldn't necessarily reject a school if it
doesn't meet all their criteria in terms of being an affirmative,
positive place, says Oshinsky.
"LGBT families aren't one~dimensional;' she says. "There
are all of these other factors to consider ... and LGBT families
may have to choose a school that isn't perfect in terms of
LGBT affirmation. That's why the largest part of our focus is
how our families can help make these schools better:'
Most families, particularly those in rural areas, might not
even have a choice about where their children go to school, so
it's helpful to focus on strategies for how to make the school
work for you and your family, says Oshinsky. "More often
than not, our parents end up in the situation of having to
move the school forward, rather than having the luxury of
picking a school that's perfect to begin with;' she says. ■
April 2012
I 35
36
I curve
TheRealL Words
TracyRyersonshares
the storyof her
blendedfamily.
ByJanelle Sorenson
Sudden-OnsetParenthood
I was touring with a well-known, Sapphically inclined rock band when I first met my partner. I fell in love
with her beauty, charm and wit, all of which she has in abundance. It also happens that she has two
daughters. So, in a matter of months, I got a crash course in sudden-onset parenting. Life went from
late-night parties to early-morning diaper changes and parent-teacher conferences. I fell in love not only
with a girl, but with a whole new life. After a fruitless search for information on sudden-onset parenthood
and how to navigate a relationship that extends beyond the romance between two adults and into the
sometimes daunting role of new parent, I turned to the only other lnstaMom on my radar screen: Tracy
Ryerson, one of the stars of The Real L Word. With her help and the advice of two psychotherapists,
Katie Harrold, LMFT, and Connie Studer, LMFT, I am exploring this unique relationship and how to
healthily navigate the transition from single gal to instant parent.
Anyone who watched season one of the titillating Showtime
hit The Real L Word has caught a glimpse into the lives of
a group of lesbians living and loving in Los Angeles. In
contrast to Ilene Chaiken's firstborn, the glossy hit The L
Word, The Real L Word follows the day~to~day reality of
each character's life as she navigates her own challenges and
triumphs. A standout on the show is the striking Tracy
Ryerson. At the time the first season was shot, Ryerson was
a television exec, balancing a new romance, a strained rela~
tionship with her mother, and perhaps most importantly, a
new role in life. Not only did Ryerson fall in love with the
beautiful and talented Stamie Karakasidis, she became a
self~proclaimed InstaMom to Karakasidis' children, 4~year~
old twins Nikos and Dautry and 6~year~old Jagger.
Overnight, Ryerson became the poster girl for InstaMoms
everywhere. "You fall into this role where everything you
do is what a mom does;' says Ryerson from her home in
Los Angeles. 'Tm so protective of them, I would jump in
front of a car for them. It's interesting-it's
hard. Being an
InstaMom, I'm learning how to be a mom overnight,
without having given birth to them:'
According to Studer, this new role can come easily to some.
"Women nurture from a loving space. The best way to ease
the transition is to maintain a calm, secure, loving relationship
with your partner;' she says. On the other hand, the ex and
sometimes the children have a hard time accepting the new
partnership. "The person coming into the relationship can
be seen as the villain;' Studer continues. "This can happen if
April 2012
I 37
one parent is talking negatively about the other parent. It's
important to communicate clearly with your children, and
never speak badly about the other parents:'
Long after America watched the relationship between
Ryerson and Karakasidis unfold on television, the two
of them made the move to start living under one roof. "I
do the anti-lesbian thing. I would never think of moving
in, because of the kids;' says Ryerson. In fact, she waited
for the kids to ask her to move in. But before Ryerson got
the OK, they went to great, and often hilarious, lengths
to keep their overnights private. "When I would sleep over
and she had the kids, I would wake up and sneak out of
the house before they got up;' she says. "I would throw my
outside and he locked me out. He was waiting for my reaction-and
I thought it was funny! From that day on, he's
been my buddy:'
When children are involved, many things, from daily
schedules to grocery lists, change dramatically. With no
more late nights and no more mornings after, life takes a
turn for the calm, and an evening in with the family will
suddenly trump the wildest nights out. "My lifestyle has
completely changed, and for the better. It's more calming
and peaceful to me;' Ryerson says."My life changed the second
I turned 30. I became a mom overnight:'
Adding to the challenges of blending the family that will
live under the same roof is the continuing presence of the
TV programslikeTheBradyBunchintroducednotionsof instantfamily
and instantlove.Thesesimplistic
visionsof 'one big happyfamily'can be
hazardousto remarriagebecause theycan create unrealistically
high
expectations,resultinginfrustrationand disappointment.
coat over my pajamas and come up to the front door like
I was just getting there. It's not so much the waking up in
their mom's bed, but more so who is coming in and out of
the house, and them wondering who is going to stay. They
caught on to it, but they liked it when I was over. I let them
lead the way:'
Perhaps Ryerson's instinct to take it slow was the best
thing for this new and developing family. Katie Harrold
notes that it is important to keep expectations manageable
when you are actively working on blending families. "TV
programs like The Brady Bunch introduced notions of instant
family and instant love. These simplistic visions of 'one big
happy family' can be hazardous to remarriage because they
can create unrealistically high expectations, resulting in
frustration and disappointment;' Harrold says.
Being an instant parent is challenging in and of itsel£
and owing to a remarkable lack of available information, it
can often feel lonely. Many women wonder how much of a
role they should take in the children's lives, and Studer says
that it really depends on both the ages of the children and
the comfort level of all the adults involved. "The important
thing to remember is that it's not about you;' Studer says.
"It's about the attachment bonds that the children have.
It's children figuring out where they fit in the hierarchy of
the family:'
Ryerson took just that tack as she eased into her relationship with each of the Karakasidis kids. "It took a long
time to win Nikos over. He put me through the ringer;'
Ryerson says of the challenging task of gaining his trust.
"The way I realized I finally won him over was when I went
38
I curve
ex, who still plays the role of co-parent and can put pressure and stress on a new relationship. ''At first, it's best for
the new parent to express thoughts and concerns to her
partner, who will bring it to the other parent. Eventually,
it moves toward four parents sitting around the table, but,
depending on the situation, it's important to move slowly;'
Studer says.
"The biggest thing is, everybody is giving the same amount
of love, the same amount of money, even;' Ryerson reflects.
"I do consider them mine, but I do also know where I stand
in relationship to their other moms. The kids have four
moms now:'
Having four parents is becoming more common, and it's
not just a gay issue. In response to the massive amount
of attention she's received since she's come out as an
lnstaMom, and after seeing her straight friends facing
the same challenges, Ryerson is working on a book, The
EveryGirl's Guide to Being an InstaMom. "I started writing
it last year and have been working on it more and more.
Two of my friends and I would come together and they're
both dating guys with kids and now they're lnstaMoms
too;' says Ryerson. "You find yourself asking each other
what the best brand of diaper is. So many first-time-mom
questions, and in this instance you need to take into account
you're raising someone else's children. You make that decision
and you have to make it with someone else:'
It is no easy feat to reconcile the fact that the new parent
is often equally as involved in raising the children, but just as
often is not accorded the same parental rights and benefits as
the biological or adoptive parents. "The uncertain status of
any nonbiological, nonadoptive parents in a family can feel
like legal and social limbo, if they are rarely viewed as 'real'
or legitimate parents by outsiders or by the children. Yet in
reality, these instant parents assume many, if not all of, the
real parental obligations, and the lack of recognition by others in and outside the family can produce some feelings of
underappreciation, sadness, confusion and exclusion;' says
Harrold. If an instant parent is experiencing those feelings,
it is important to communicate them to her partner.
When asked if she wants a child of her own someday,
Ryerson wryly states, "I have a plan. It's always a funny conversation with Stamie, though. She's like, 'What? We have
three kids already! Add a fourth and we'll need a minivan:"
As it is in any relationship, finding a balance is a challenge when you add caring for children to an already busy
schedule that threatens to eat up any personal time. "We're
both so grateful for each other. People always ask how we
work, and part of me is like, I don't even want to know. I
don't even want to pick it apart. The biggest thing is, we're
both honest;' she says.
However unromantic, the secret to making a relationship strong for partners who are also parents is making
mandatory time for each other. Scheduling alone time,
and even making time for sex, is a major key to keeping
the intimacy alive in a busy partnership. "If you want to
see your partner, you have to say 'Sunday afternoon we're
having a date. Turn your cell phone off That's the biggest
hurdle to get through-to
make sure we're paying enough
attention to each other;' Ryerson says.
"You have to realize that taking care of yourself and
your relationship is really important to the kids as well.
However, I've spent so much time trying to seek a balance, I've learned that sometimes things are just going to
be imbalanced:'
When asked what she uniquely brings to the family,
Ryerson thinks for a moment before replying, "I bring a lot
to the family. I'm dating a comedian, and sometimes it feels
like I have four kids. I bring the structure. Having them do
the same thing every day, or laying out their clothes at the
end of the day, or having reward systems:•
For every lnstaFamily, including my own, the future
will look different. The important thing is to communicate,
and when in doubt, therapy can prove to be a positive solution for working through conflict. Every voice is valuable
and everyone deserves to be heard. These unique voices
make up the fabric of each wonderful family. Above all, it's
important to remember that at the end of the day it's all
about the kids. ■
~New
England
\JNEl~c
1
REPRODUCTIVE
SPECIALISTS
SINCE
1971
www.necryogenic.com
800-991-4999
April 2012
I 39
You head to the local girl bar on a Friday night (or dating site,
knitting class or wherever you go to meet girls) looking for
"the one:• Maybe you settle for the one,night stand or a three,
month pseudo,relationship, after which you realize that crazy
doesn't match your new spring coat. But in the back of your
mind lives the question "When will I meet hert
When will you find the one who rocks your world and is
everything you ever wanted and then some-the one who
makes dinners and babies and vacations and gray hair with
you for the rest of your lovely lesbian life?
This hope mounts every time you commit to someone
and start to plan for the future, and each time things don't
work out you question why you've chosen the wrong partner
and whether you'll ever find the right one. Beneath that hope
rests a deep uncertainty, a question we're often too afraid to
ask: What if there's no such person?
We live in a world where we no longer choose one job to
work at for our entire lives; on average, people change careers
three to five times during their lifetime, according to the U.S.
Department of Labor. Long,form news is out; we get our
glimpse of the world from sound bites, Tweets, CNN ticker
updates and Facebook posts. Is it possible that the same is
true of lovers? Are the days of searching for "the one" com,
pletely passer Are we wasting our time mourning the failed
relationships that didn't last "to death do us part;' when
maybe we should be celebrating the ones that last three to
five years?
Evenif you'vefound
her,istogetherforever
reallya good idea?
By Allison Steinberg
e
40
I curve
The history of coupledom offers some perspective on
our notions of commitment. Finding a partner has always
been tightly tied to the socioeconomic times, and now may
be simply unnecessary. Plato, that ancient Greek philoso,
pher, first introduced the "finding your other half" theory
in his Symposium, but was he just a hopeless romantic? The
Apostle Paul promoted marriage in early Christianity, laying
the groundwork for our modern heterosexual norms. (Some
scholars argue, however, that Paul's hyper,focus on setting
seed,spilling boundaries was an overcompensation for his
own fledging homosexuality.) Preindustrial families-until
mass production and factories replaced hands-were
busi,
ness units. Choosing a life partner and having children with
one spouse was a way of keeping money within a clearly
identifiable bloodline. (But forming a lifelong partnership
in agrarian society is today's equivalent of choosingjust one
bank for all your financial needs.) Fast,forward to post,
WWII. Women were encouraged to marry and stay at home,
causing unemployment levels to rise just when servicemen
were returning from the war. (In this instance, it was govern,
ment propaganda, not love, religion or philosophy, that led to
people marrying for life.)
What happened when the conservative half of the 20th
century gave way to new and different ways of thinking?
Divorce rates skyrocketed, more than doubling from the
1950s to the 1980s, according to the
CDC's National Center for Vital
Statistics. We might still feel the urge
to merge for life, but is that intrinsic or
just an expired hand,me,down notion
from times past? Does our current sit,
uation warrant a new way of looking
at partnership?
For the more than 700 lesbian couples
surveyed in 1988 by Partners Magazine
for Gay & Lesbian Couples and Out/
Look, two LGBT publications no longer
in existence, the average relationship
lasted five years. The majority of the
women surveyed also reported that
more than 40 percent of their previous
relationships had lasted between three
and five years.
In our own poll, at curvemag.com,
in which 725 women participated, the
majority of those surveyed reported
having had two or more serious rela,
tionships; several had as many as six
or seven, and a few had more than 10
in their lifetime. More than 85 percent
of those surveyed said they believed in
"finding the one;' though only about 50
percent reported that they had at one
point or another met"her" (fair to guess
that number is generous; who knows
how many girlfriends were peeking
over their lovers' shoulders when they
filled out the poll!). Though some said
they had relationships lasting a decade
or longer, more than two,thirds of
those who responded said their averagerela,
tionship lasted anywhere from one to
five years.
Megan Phelan, 29, from Denver,
Colo., says that her relationships have
lasted anywhere from two weeks to
two years. "I used to despise monog,
amy, believing it to be for old, ugly
people who'd given up:' As she's gotten
older, though, her belief in "the one" has
evolved. "Over time, I've been exposed
to a lot more loving, healthy, adult rela,
tionships and changed my tune. Either
that or I've gotten old and ugly. But I
know for sure I haven't given up:'
Housing trends are telling. Homes
with two master bedrooms are gaining in
popularity, marriage rates are down year
over year, and legal businesses more than
ever cater specifically to divorce services.
As if this news weren't depressing
enough, the American Association of
Retired Persons (AARP) recently cited
the fact that today more married couples
over the age of 50 are living separately
than in previous years. And while this
may be due in large part to financial
necessity, the article posited that these
couples are "finding that having their
own space and time to themselves can
be freeing:'
"It's an alluring fantasy to imagine
there is one special person for us;' says
therapist and continuing education
provider Lisa Maurel, who counsels on
issues of LGBT mental health. "While
our romantic culture often cultivates
this narrative, it's not a realistic approach
to creating partnership. Healthy and
enduring partnerships are cultivated
most successfully when adults are fully
able to embrace responsibility for their
own happiness and well,being, rather
than seeking to find happiness in 'the
one: When we approach a relation,
ship as two whole people, we have a
much better chance to create a com,
plimentary relationship in which both
can thrive:'
What are we searching for, then, in
trying to satisfy the insatiable urge for
that perfect someone? And are we fore,
ing ourselves to endure in relationships
that no longer function because we
somehow believe longevity equals sue,
cess? We could instead be expending
our energy on getting a better under,
standing of the world we now live in,
and enjoying the current abridged rela,
tionship paradigm. Is it sad that you'll
be bringing a different lover home for
Thanksgiving next year?
"I don't necessarily believe there is
one person out there for us. Different
people come into our lives at different
times to give us different things and to
help us grow in different ways;' says
curve advice columnist Kathy Belge,
aka Dipstick. "I think hoping for 'the
one' puts too much pressure on that
person and that relationship:'
To be fair to your current relation,
ship and to honor your past and future
ones, it's time to readjust your expecta,
tions and get with the times. ■
8192X!t98.US
ByMerrynJohns• Photosby AmandaWilliams
When Arrin Turnmire, 31, and Mary Robinett, 33, first met in a high
school algebra class, it was because Mary passed Arrin a note suggesting
that they should get together and "hang out:' At the time, neither of them
had any idea that this friendly gesture would blossom into love, business
and babies. Or perhaps Mary did: During soccer practice, she'd spied Arrin
watching the team from the sidelines. "I knew I wanted to be with her, and
she didn't even know my name!"
Today, Arrin, a high school art teacher, and Mary, a process server, live in
"a cozy brick ranch with a woodstove that burns all winter long, in the abso~
lute middle of nowhere;' says Arrin. The middle of nowhere happens to be
New Madison, Ohio, by the way, but their remote location didn't stop them
from pursuing their dreams, one of which was to have children together.
April 2012
I 43
Arrin says that after months of trying unsuccessfully to
conceive, she'd gotten tired of looking at negative results
and handed her latest pregnancy test to Mary to read.
"She looked at me with tears in her eyes and I knew it
was positive! We went to the doctor for an ultrasound,
and everyone said I looked really big for only being a few
months along, so I asked the doctor, J\re there two:" He
said, 'Give me a minute ... well, there are two in there!'
Mary dropped to her knees, white as a ghost, my mom
was crying tears of joy and so was Mary's mom, and I said,
'OK, we can do this!' Now we are the proud mommies of
2-year-old twin boys!"
The boys, Finn and Graham, keep their mommies on
their toes and enchant them with their antics. "Those
boys can light up a room, just like their mother!" says
Mary. They also provided the light bulb moment for their
mommies' clothing line, Little Figs. "We figured that life
is short, so why not do what you love while being with the
people that you love?" says Mary. (The name Little Figs
is a combination of the boys' names, Finn and Graham.)
The mission of the label is to make quality children's
clothing that is both unique and affordable. The one-ofa-kind designs are manufactured in the USA, and most
of the pieces are made of 100 percent organic cotton."We
care about the clothing being made here, we care about
the environment, which is why we use environmentally
friendly inks, and we care about the lesbian-designed
images we put on the one-pieces and T-shirts. We really
take pride in our designs and the whole process;' says Mary.
Among the challenges they met in establishing the
business-a sideline to their full-time jobs-was how to
harmoniously combine home and work under one roof,
which meant providing the boys with a safe place to play.
"It is actually a real perk to have a slide and a train table in
your studio-it really keeps the boys busy;' says Arrin.
For this couple, who are celebrating the 16th year of
their storybook love, Little Figs represents more than just
cute T-shirts for gaybies; it's a story of family, created and
chosen, and they're grateful to the lesbian friends who've
helped them along the way-offering
everything from
professional photography to the use of their precious
offspring as models.
'J\t the beginning of our relationship, we had to endure
very difficult circumstances to be together, just as many
of your readers have;' Arrin tells me. 'J\ll we ever wanted
to do was spend every second together, even if it meant
sneaking out in the middle of the night. After years of
soul-searching, random jobs and college educations, we
have settled into a simple yet very full life. We realize how
lucky we are to have our families and friends as our
■
biggest and best support system:' (little.figs.com)
44
I curve
100 percent organic cotton one-pieces, T-shirts, cardigans,
hats and bibs in lesbian-created designs and printed using
environmentally-friendly inks
Lesbian photographer
Kira Stackhouse on her
new book Project DOG.
By Rachel Shatto
If there's one thing
,
we know about lesbians, it's that they' re crazy about their
dogs. Don't believe it? Just check out your local dog park;
you can't throw a slobber-coated Frisbee without hitting a
Sapphic sister. So, it's little surprise that Kira Stackhouse,
the woman behind the lens of the extraordinary new
picture book Project DOG, is family.
46
I curve
tackhouse, a San Francisco photographer by
way of Pennsylvania, first discovered her love for pooch~
kind when she adopted her first dog in 2009-and
it was
love at first lick. "I got my first dog ... a bouncing baby boy
named Harley and I dove quickly into the 'dog world: It was
a world that I never knew existed, and a place where I was
so excited to be. I started volunteering and going to dog~
related events;' she recounts.
Along the way, she began meeting other volunteers,
many who were deeply involved in the animal rescue scene
and who gave the photographer grief about how Harley
came into her life. "Unfortunately, because Harley is from
a breeder, I was given the guilt trip by many people who
questioned my integrity since I did not choose to rescue.
The idea of having to defend myself and my dog while volun~
teering enraged me to the point where I was determined
to someday figure out a way to make people look at things
differently;' she says. It was this desire that was the impetus
behind Project DOG.
Stackhouse explains: "One day it hit me. I needed to not
only find all of the dog breeds, but I needed to find two
of each breed-a dog who came from a breeder, and a dog
who was rescued. This way, both dogs would be viewed on
equal ground, and in many cases, the rescued dog would
be purebred. When I realized the possible impact of what
I had just thought up, it made me cringe with fear and gave
me a sense of questionable doubt. [But] I knew my idea
was great:'
April 2012
I 47
While Stackhouse had confidence in her concept, finding
and photographing two of every breed was a formidable
task. So she did what any enterprising entrepreneur would
do today: she turned to social media for help. "ProjectDOG
wouldn't exist without social media. It was designed around
social media, which was the primary vehicle for its success;'
she says. "I launched the Project DOG Facebook and
Twitter accounts in July 2010 ... within a week I had more
than 500 supporters, and the numbers continued to grow. I
started campaigning for responsible dog ownership, asking
online users to submit their dog's photo and story for con~
sideration in the book. This became viral, and within eight
months, I received more than 4,000 submissions from dogs
all over the country and the world, including rescued dogs
that represented over 550 rescues and shelters in 44 U.S.
states and 12 countries. It was neat to have a community of
people supporting the project-and
me-throughout
this
whole journey:'
Despite all the challenges, which included tracking
down subjects, early morning photo shoots, plenty of dog
wrangling and delayed deadlines, the end result has been
48
I curve
incredibly satisfying for Stackhouse. "It has been especially
rewarding to know that, because of all of the wonderfully
positive stories, many readers are questioning their own
ideas of what it means to be a responsible dog owner and
what it means to be a rescued dog," she says. "One of the
goals of this book was to promote the idea of breed~specific
rescue, especially for those people who believe that rescue
dogs are all mutts, or that something is wrong with them.
I love hearing stories about people who, before seeing the
book, didn't know about breed rescue, and now they are
helping to spread the word:'
In addition to meeting wonderful people, Stackhouse
met several dogs that touched her on a personal level. "I
loved meeting dogs whose lives were truly transformed by
the people who rescued and adopted them. Coco the Saluki
is one of my favorites. Coco went from living an abused
life in the Middle East-she
even has a bullet wound in
her leg-to living it up in the Bay Area. She now lounges
around on her very own day bed ... rides around town in a
Bentley and snacks on fresh baguettes. What a life!"
While Project DOG may have begun when Stackhouse
w
(/)
:::J
0
I
~
u
~
(/)
<(
a:
S2
went from living an abused life in
the Middle East-she even has a bullet
wound in her leg-to
living it up in the Bay
Area. She now lounges around on her
very own day bed ... rides around town in
a Bentley and snacks on fresh baguettes.
Feelinginspiredby KiraStackhouse's
stunningpetportraits?
Thengetreadyto beextrasnap-happy
with herfour
photography
tipsfor takingyourpetphotosfromamateur
to amazing.
adopted Harley, her devotion to animals has been a lifelong
love affair. Growing up gay in a conservative community and
attending a conservative college (Stackhouse received a B.A. in
Art from Lafayette College) she found solace in her relation~
ships with her pets. "There wasn't really an active, open LGBT
community. I was one of less than five openly gay students in
my college, and found myself taking the bus into N.Y.C.
every weekend to hang out with gay people. At the time, I had
grown a small family of two cats-who I still have-a hamster
and a turtle, all living with me in my tiny studio apartment.
I couldn't have gotten through college without them. Besides
being complete morale boosters, they were and are my best
friends;' Stackhouse says.
This is a familiar story for many queer women who share a
deep bond with their furry family members. Stackhouse has a
theory on why lesbians love their pets so deeply and why they
make great owners: "I think one of the reasons in particular
why lesbians are notorious for having strong animal bonds is
due in part to the inherent nurturing nature of most women,
the idea of having unconditional love and the unwavering,
unquestionable loyalty that pets offer. (projectdog.net)■
1. Getonthesameeyelevelasthem.If youhaveto squat
down,bendoveror laycompletely
ontheground,do it.
2. Bringtreatsandprops.I broughttastytreatsanda little
squeaker
to everyphotoshoot,aswellasa spareretractable
leash,whichcouldbeeasilyhiddenif thedogneededto
stayon-leash.
3. Planahead.Manyof the shotsin the bookI hadenvisionedbeforeI hadthe photoshoot.I thoughtlongandhard
abouteachlocation,choosingbackgrounds
andlandmarks
specificfor eachdog.
4.Alwayslookat thecolorsof yourbackground.
Evenif the
buildingyou'restandingnearis far away,youwill still see
thecolorof it-or thestonewall,or the house,or garden.
Matchingcolorsto yoursubjectmatterwill alsohelpcreate
morevibrant,interesting
images.
April 2012
I 49
Pet& PeopleServices
PetSitting& ReikiPractitioner
DebbieMercyJean
Salem,Ore.
(petandpeop/eservices.com)
HotDiggity!DogWalking
+ PetSitting,Inc.
DogWalking& PetSitting
AprilSunrise
Denver,
Colo.,LasVegas,Nev.,
Portland,Ore.,Austin,Texas& Seattle
(hotdiggitypetsitting.com)
Highlighting a nation of lesbian
animal lovers, who turned
passion into profit.
By Emelina Minero
Lesbians are notorious
for being a friend to
animal nation, but some
lucky lezzie ladies
have turned their pet
passion into profession
by starting businesses
that allow them to work
alongside their furry
friends. We take a look
at some of the petrepreneurs who have
founded animal-friendly
companies-everything
from in-home pet care
to pet photography, and
even canine assisted
rehabilitation with
the elderly.
TheMilo Foundation
DomesticAnimalSanctuary
LynneTingle
SanRafael,Calif.
(milofoundation.ord)
FullPawtentialDogTraining
DogTraining
MeganHonaker
Denver,Colo.
(fullpawtential.com)
Paws& Claws
NaturalPetFoodStore
& GroomingSpa
DianePfile& RuthVillasenor
Oakland,Calif.
(pawsandclawsoakland.com
Carabee'sCritters
In-HomePetSitting
CarlaMcBee
LasVegas,NV
(carabeescritters.com)
WhiskersBarkery
PetSupplies& DaytimeSitting
CharlotteandDonna
Prescott& Sedona,Ariz.
(whiskersbarkery.com)
CityTails
DogWalking& PetSitting
LaurenLangfordandReneeTeeley
SanFrancisco
(sfcitytails.com)
TheAnimalNanny
DogWalking&
PetSittingMarna
SanFrancisco& BayArea
(theanimalnanny.com)
MuttvilleSeniorDogRescue
SeniorDogRescue&
AdoptionShelter
SherriFranklin
SanFrancisco
(muttville.ord)
Pickof the Litter
PetCare& Sitting
Stephanie& Carie
SanFrancisco
(pickofthelitterpetcare.com)
so I curve
NorthernCaliforniaFamilyDogRescue
DogRescueandAdoptionShelter
AngelaPadilla
NorthernCalifornia
(norcalfamilydogrescue.ord)
NinjaDogConcepts
MissingAnimalDetective
SarahSypniewskiandKimRodgers
SantaMonica,Calif.
(ninjadogconcepts.com)
BarkPetPhotography
DogPhotography
KimRodgersandSarahSypniewski
SantaMonica,Calif.
(barkpetphotography.com)
SouthBarkDogWash& SouthBark
Professional
PetProducts
DogWashing& Supplies
DonnaWalker& LisaVella
SanDiego,Calif.
(southbark.com)
TheRightSpotPetMassage
Therapeutic& Rehabilitative
Massagefor Pets
KatieMehrtens
Chicago
(therightspotforpets.com)
HopeVeterinaryClinic
VeterinaryClinic
Dr.KristineYoung& Juliet
Sternberg
Brooklyn,N.Y.
(hopevet.com)
4LegsPetInc.
PetSupplies
DoriGananandLeslieCorral
Chicago
(4/egspet.com)
TheCottageSmall
SmallDogTraining& B
JaneBrydon
GlenMills,Penn.
(thecottagedogdaycar,
Hoof,Paw& Claw
AnimalReiki,Communication
andMuscleTherapy
AileenD'Angelo
Northborough,
Mass.
(reikiforcritters.
com)
Bloomington
PetPals
In-HomePetSitting& DogWalking
AnnWesley& DianeStuercke
Bloomington,
Ind.
(bloomingtonpetpals.com)
C.A.R.E.Inc
CanineAssistedRehabilitation
for the Elderly
Or.JulianneDavis
Raleigh,N.C.
(carencinc.org)
OldeTownePetResort
PetResort
DixieEng& EllenHaynes
Springfield& Sterling,Va.
(o/detownepetresort.com)
RainbowPetSittingServices
PetSitting
Ms.RonnieKahn
Charlottesville,
Va.
(rainbowpetsitting.com)
Halo,Purelyfor Pets
HolisticPetCareProducts
EllenDeGeneres
co-owner
Tampa,Fla.
(halopets.com)
CanineComfortPet Massage
PetMassage
JulieAshlock
TampaBay,Fla.
(caninecomfortpetmassage.com)
Did we miss
your favorite
lesbianowned pet
business? Tell
us about them
at letters@
curvemag.com
CREDITS: Sarah Sypniewski (Bark Pet), Celeste Clancy (Canine Comfort), Kelly Bryan (Carabees), Jo Murphy
(C.A.R.E.), Amandaism Art/stockxchng (hoof paw & claw), Marico Fayre (Hot Diggity), Kira Stackhouse (Muttville),
Kim Rodgers (Ninja), Carie Guevara (pick of the litter), Chris McClay (South Bark), Mark Rogers (Animal Nanny),
Kirsten Berg (Milo), Norie Knezetic (right spots), Winnie Lee/stockxchng (sweater)
When country
music star Chely
Wright came out,
she may have lost
some fans but she
gained true love.
a
e
n Johns
By Merry
. Wojtasik
by Karolma
Photos
er
n May 10, 2010, Nashville darling Chely Wright came out in a blaze
of publicity fueled by the publication of her memoir, Like Me. To her,
coming out was an orchestrated rejection of a self-destructive life in
the closet, and the beginning of an authentic life as a lesbian activist.
And true to the Law of Attraction (a belief that like attracts like), only two
weeks after coming out, Wright met the woman who would become her
wife. Wright was introduced to Lauren Blitzer at an event for GLSEN, the
Gay, Lesbian, and Straight Education Network. Blitzer, the co-author of Same
Sex in the City: So Your Prince Charming Is Really a Cinderella, a savvy and sincere
advice book for young lesbians in New York City, was also an LGBT activist. "I think that
connected us in the first place," says Blitzer. "She was actively doing the same sort of
work that I was, so that was really neat that we saw eye to eye from the get-go."
But Cupid's arrow did not immediately find its mark.
The night of the event, Blitzer had a case of strep throat and
Wright was preoccupied with a myriad of details regarding
the upcoming tour for both her book and her album, Lifted
Off the Ground.That evening they acknowledged each other
as "nice, and pretty, but there was not a love connection;'
says Wright.
But as often happens in the movies-especially those set
in Manhattan-when
the two met again six weeks later,
they were enchanted. "We ended up standing on the sidewalk outside of the Time Warner Center up near Columbus
Circle;' says Wright. "It was the hottest day of the year and
we couldn't pull ourselves away from one another. We
couldn't stop talking on this 106-degree sidewalk:'
When they decided to get engaged, they returned to that
spot to put rings on each other's fingers. The couple wed in
Connecticut, with their families and friends in attendance,
on August 20, but they were also married in New York State
on July 24, the first day that same-sex marriage became legal
there. In hindsight, it seems pre-ordained and somewhat
bountiful to have a storybook wedding in rural Connecticut
and to be part of American history by having a wedding that
celebrates marriage equality in New York. Their wedding
bands are engraved with the dates of both marriages.
At this they are overjoyed, but not at the fact that in the
United States gay marriage is still not federally recognized,
and that the slow and uncertain state-by-state progress of
marriage equality does little to protect gay couples.
"As proud as we are to be living in the greatest city in
the world, and as proud as we are to be New Yorkers who
54
I curve
are legally married, we were recently made painfully aware
that our marriage is still different than a straight couple's,"
says Wright.
Ironically, they came to this realization when they were
returning from their honeymoon and going through U.S.
Customs. As queer couples who travel together may already
know, domestic re-entry is not a time when we are accorded
the same rights as heterosexual travelers. Wright and Blitzer,
as newlyweds, had made the mistake of filling out only one
Customs form, which is standard for couples whose marriage
makes them a family.
"So ... we got in the line to come back through;' recalls
Wright, "and [the Customs agent] said, 'How are you related?'
and I said, 'She's my wife: And he said, 'Oh no-no, no, noyou go to a differentline: Everyone standing around us saw
it and was uncomfortable. The Customs agent became very
agitated. We didn't know if he was disgusted with us, or what
it was. Later, I asked him to explain what had happened and
what the rule was. He got his supervisor and the supervisor
basically said, 'You don't have a federal marriage, you have
a state marriage, and this is a federal agency, and we can't
acknowledge it: It was a shocking reminder that separate is
never equal. How many times do we have to say that?"
Even as a Christian country music star who unapologetically entertained the troops in the Middle East (her song
"Bumper of my SUV" teases out some of the complexities
of why supporting them is not wrong), Wright has always
considered herself a free-thinking American who keeps up
on all the issues. But the bigotry behind the current presidential debates has shocked even this Kansas City native
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and former Music Row favorite. "GOP
candidates are race baiting and anti,gay
baiting. They know which buttons to push
to get their base to come out and be fired
up to vote. Unfortunately, people like me and
Lauren are the card they play. A 15,year,old kid
in Tennessee, when he hears a candidate say,'Gays are
evil; he doesn't know that that's a political ploy;' she says,
before adding, "except if you're Rick Santorum. Then it's not
a political ploy: He really believes it:'
The dark side of American faith is yet another topic on
which she and her wife see eye to eye. Blitzer is the develop,
ment director of the nonprofit Faith in America, and Wright
is a dedicated board member.
"Faith in America touches on a subject that nobody else
does;' says Blitzer. "Why is (bigotry] still happening:' What's
happening in people's minds that they still think that gay
is wrong? It really is all about people's interpretation of the
Bible. This is what their deep,rooted traditional beliefs are
telling them, and this is what they're passing on to their chil,
dren:' While Wright was raised as a Midwestern Christian
by folks who struggled to accept her sexual identity, Blitzer
grew up in Manhattan in a liberal Jewish household. "There
was a lesbian rabbi on the Upper West Side when I was
growing up. Bigotry and discrimination weren't a part of my
ReformJewish upbringing:'
In fact, Blitzer believes that being a lesbian in New York
56
I curve
City is in some way responsible for her charmed existence.
"Being a lesbian has given me a lot of opportunities that I
would not have if I were straight:' They both relish their
existence as a lesbian couple living in such a diverse and tol,
erant place as New York City; nevertheless, as high,profile
lesbians and activists, and with technology connecting
them to approximately 30 red states, criticism and bigotry
are never far away."I got called a dyke on Twitter yesterday;'
says Blitzer. ''And it was by a guy who couldn't spell;' notes
Wright. But Blitzer takes it all in stride, saying that such
slings and arrows of hostility "keep the fire going under,
neath us:' In fact, Blitzer is totally comfortable being in the
spotlight with her more famous wife. "I have over 5,000
people following me on Twitter, and I know it's because I
married Chely. I understand that people now pay attention
to me because they want to know who she married, which
is fine by me because I know the message that I am putting
out there is one of tolerance and advocacy... ! love the fact
that we are able to provide positive role models for people:'
"We feel lucky to have the tools and the opportunities to
use our voice;' says Wright. "If we get beat up on Twitter or
Facebook or a nasty blog, and sometimes it does get to be
too much, we just log off and we watch an episode of Law
and Order:'
But hiding or running away is not an option, says Wright.
Especially not now. ''I've been on the other side. My life now
is a miracle to me. I know what it's like to be uncomfortable
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in hiding. I'd rather be occasionally uncomfortable out in
the open. And we chose this-we chose being public, vocal
activists-and it's an honor:'
While planning her very public coming out, Wright
anticipated that coming out might create enemies. But she
also hoped that it would attract openness and equanimity on
a personal level. "I knew that the prospects of living openly
might reveal a hopefully healthy relationship with someone.
I just had no idea that I would find her so quickly. Not only
did I meet Lauren, but she was ready for me as well. And I
think that's significant:'
Blitzer agrees. "I felt like everybody does: When you stop
looking or thinking about that whole forever part, it just hits
you in the face. I was surprised, but we all wait for the right
person and when it happens we just know:'
But that whole forever part comes with some political
baggage, even in our own community. Some gays and lesbians
do not believe in marriage as an institution and wonder why
we seek marriage equality at all. Wright, however, firmly
believes in the institution-and
the terminology and the
rituals. She calls Blitzer her wife.
While Blitzer had initially been opposed to wearing her
engagement and wedding rings on her left hand, wanting to
claim something that was separate from traditional marriage,
Wright's position differed. "What I wanted was for my mar,
riage and my wedding and my family to someday be viewed
as traditional. Therefore, I wanted my ring on my left hand.
I didn't want to have to adapt or change, to do something
different just because straight people did it. I think that's the
separate water fountain thing. I want traditional marriage
to include gay marriage. I want to be under that wonderful
umbrella of tradition. I like the word 'wife: I like being
Lauren's wife. I have so much love and respect for her, the
word' wife' feels great to me:'
Now Blitzer agrees. "We walked out with a marriage cer,
tificate and I've got it in our file cabinet, and when we go
into the Social Security office to change our names legally
on all our documents, that's what we'll bring, because she's
my wife. 'Partner' doesn't quite explain what we're doing
here;' she says.
Marriage rituals aside, both women agree on the
importance of family. "I think one of the things that first
connected me to Lauren, and made me think that she might
be my'forever; was that we both wanted a traditional family;'
says Wright. 'J\nd I would argue with the GOP and these
family,values groups that claim that I don't have family
values. Lauren and I do. We spend a lot of time with our
respective families, and we want that, and going into that
requires a whole lot of discussion and maturity and love and
stability and commitment. Straight couples and gay couples
alike have had kids and not been prepared for it, but we're
doing our best to prepare ourselves, and having a family is
something that we both really, really want:'
All this preparation is welcome news to the Blitzers, who
have already been asking for grandkids. "Literally, the day
after we got married, they're like, 'So?' I'm like, 'OK, can I
have a minute?'" laughs Blitzer.
So what are those plans?"We're going to try what we can
to have a child biologically, and if that doesn't work for us, we
will try our best to provide a home for a child who needs a
home;' says Wright.
"The extent you have to go to, to conceive a child, when
you're two women-you
have to do things to make this
happen-this
is such a loving place, this is not an accident. I
cannot imagine a better place for a child to be;' says Blitzer.
Even Wright's tight,knit family is supportive of the new
family unit. "I have so much support from my core family,
and they love Lauren, and they love that I'm happy;' says
Wright, who took Blitzer back to Kansas for Christmas.
That holiday involved sitting around for five slow,paced
days, playing cards with the older folks and games and with
grandkids. Wright had to pinch hersel£ 'J\ couple of times
I took inventory of the room and thought, I am here with
my wife, and they know she's my wife, and they are asking us
about babies and home, and they hug Lauren and they say,'I
love you' and they mean it. It's a real blessing:'
Blitzer and Wright may look like characters in a lesbian
fairytale, especially in this photo spread, but even a cursory
examination of their books reveals the different and chal,
lenging trajectories experienced by women all over the
country who decide to come out. Both books are invaluable
reading for lesbians today. And Wright has plenty of advice
for any gay people wanting to take that step and come out
to their families. Her coming out was no picnic-not with
her biological family, not with her music industry family.
And not with her family of fans. She gained some and lost
some. "Some fans wrote me letters and said, Tm done with
you: And I had fans who read my book and said,Tm hanging
in there with you:"
Time has passed since her coming out, and though
Wright's attitude has mellowed, she is strong and confident
in her point of view on the process. Here is her advice for
those who are still facing their own unveiling.
'J\ssess your environment before coming out. If you do
happen to sit down and have a coming,out conversation
with your family, choose the time and place. Share it with
them as a bit of beautiful news about your life. Tell them
you're coming out to them because you want them to know
you better. Be patient with them. This doesn't mean you have
to tolerate abuse from your family, and it doesn't mean that if
your mom cries things aren't going to be OK. But know that
it's a big bit of information. I think ultimately every family
wants every family member to be OK and happy, and I think
the best way to assure them of that is to be OK and happy.
And eventually, hopefully, your family will see that you are
just happier being who you are:'
And you know that's possible because Chely Wright is,
and she's right behind you. ■
April 2012
I 57
PORTLANDIA
In spite of the changing times, you can still play and stay gay in Portland, Oregon.
By Kristin Flickinger
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PORTLAND,
ORE.,is one of the great playgrounds for lesbian
travelers, appealing especially to outdoorsy types- Portland
is sublimely situated between the Pacific Ocean and the
Cascade Range, home to spectacular mountains like Mt.
Hood and Mt. St. Helens. It even boasts of the the largest
public parks within a U.S. city.
For those more apt to focus on culture, be assured that
amid the bike lanes there is of course the symphony, the
ballet and the opera; there are restaurants, theaters and
museums. Portland also has wonderful mass transit and a
thriving food cart scene. And rain. It has lots of rain.
Like many big cities, Portland also has neighborhoods
known for gay bars, gay~owned restaurants and gay~friend~
liness in general. One of them is Stark Street ... or, I should
say, was Stark Street.
Back in the day (and as recently as the early 2000s), the
street known as "Vaseline Alley" was the place to go for gay
entertainment, with its variety of bars, dance dubs, cabarets
and even a deliciously seedy bathhouse. It was downtown,
but on the edge, not far from the Warehouse District, and
rough enough that people didn't wander in by mistake. At
least, that was my perception as an undergrad in the '90s.
But when the Warehouse District experienced a renaissance
at the turn of the millennium, and was reborn as the Pearl
District, Stark Street found itself smack in between some
fancy new lofts and Portland's downtown. Slowly-but as
surely as hipsters like their coffee and skinny jeans-bars
became delis, and refined little shops selling handicrafts
moved closer and closer to Portland's last gay bastion.
While other parts of the city have experienced gentrifi~
cation, shifting racially and socio~economically, Portland's
traditionally gay districts are facing what some people have
called 'genderfication:' Across town, Portland's only lesbian
bar faced the same fate. In 2010, after 15 years, the Egyptian
Club, voted "Best Lesbian Bar in the Country" by GayCities.
com, closed its doors. Citing a tough economic climate and
declining attendance, the owner, Kim Davis, turned the club
into Weird Bar, a "normaUriendly" dub. (Weird Bar closed
a year later.)
Back on Stark Street, after a 30~year run, the iconic bath~
house called Club Portland closed in 2007. Word went out
that the great four~story triangular building would become
a boutique hotel run by McMenamins, an Oregon company
known for its funky restoration of historic buildings. I was
working downtown, just a few blocks from the building,
when I found out. I had a fit. As someone who had come of
age in Portland, I saw the bathhouse perched on the edge of
the city's swankiest district as a powerful statement of how
tolerant Portland was. Losing the monochromatic tangerine
fa;:ade with its boarded~up windows and fire~door entrance
meant that I would no longer see smiling men in leather
walking arm~in~arm past businessmen headed to Whole
Foods for lunch. It displeased me mightily.
The Ace Hotel
Lobby (clockwise from left):
quirky Ace Hotel
decor; the classic
Crystal Hotel
April 2012
I 59
So the last time I visited Portland, I thought I would try
to put my misgivings aside and give the new Stark Street a
chance, and I booked a couple of nights in hotels that had
once been part of the gay scene.
I spent the first night at the Ace Hotel. The Ace, built
in 1912, sits within the renovated Clyde Hotel. The film
Drugstore Cowboywas shot in the Clyde, and gay bars once
inhabited the surrounding storefronts. Today, the building
has an appealingly retro feel, with bright hallways and tall
ceilings. The hotel offers both European~style rooms (shared
bathrooms) and American~style rooms and suites-some
featuring claw~footed tubs and record players.
The Ace is Portland~chic. Its lobby (which sports a photo
booth!) is dominated by a set of L~shaped sofas around
an enormous coffee table that looks like it used to be part
of a metal roo£ The sofas are always packed with hipsters
drinking coffee from the venerable Stumptown Coffee Shop,
which is connected to the lobby (Stumptown is widely rec~
ognized as the best coffee in the city). The succulent Clyde
Common, the hotel's restaurant, provides excellent nosh, as
well as room service (try the fried chickpeas).
Next to the elevators is a bank of bikes for rent. The elevator
itself displays this message embroidered in needlepoint: "If
you took the stairs, you'd be there already:' It's true.
Peering down onto Stark Street from my room I had
a view of the bar where, years ago, dressed in Mardi Gras
drag, I lost a fake ID to an angry bouncer while a group of
queens-my escorts for the evening-looked on.
Next on my list was the Crystal Hotel-on
the site of the
old Club Portland bathhouse.
Simply put, it was beautiful. The large windows, once
blinded by plywood, had been wonderfully restored, giving
the property a glittering feel on rainy nights. McMenamins'
restorations really are quite something. The company retains
the history of a place, whether it used to be the state poor~
60
I curve
house, an elementary school or a gay bathhouse, while making
it magical to visit.
The European~style room I stayed in at the Crystal was
dark but comfortable and well appointed, with a sink, no
television and the key to bathrooms that were only a couple
of yards away. Like each room in the hotel, mine had
a mural painted to represent a song sung at the legendary
Crystal Ballroom-another
McMenamins property-just
across the street. The angled hallways of the triangular
building are lined with colorful paintings and murals
depicting the building's history. As with all McMenamins
hotels, the Crystal has a number of great public spaces. The
Zeus Cafe has a wide range of menu options, while Al's Den
offers cocktails and live music. Steps away, down a hallway
lined with pictures from building's gay cabaret and bath~
house days, is a large, beautiful, saltwater soaking pool.
As I nestled into my comfortable queen~size bed, I heard
the sounds of the street below (for a quieter room, request
one on the Stark Street side). The club goers are a mixed
group nowadays. There are still gay bars on the street, but
now they are frequented by curious heterosexuals, and the
closing of the city's lesbian bar has made Stark a refuge for
queer women as well as men. As I looked down the street,
there weren't any guys in leather, but I was comforted to
see the windows of the massive adult shop, Spartacus, still
gleaming in the night. ■
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FORTHOSE
WITHA LOVE
of all things vintage or a with a taste
for luxurious travel, E&O's, Eastern & Oriental Express is just
the ticket. Grab a one way ticket from Singapore to Butterworth
where you can disembark and explore Penang or go further for
the full ride to Chiang Mai in the north of Thailand. Whatever
the destination you are sure to enjoy the journey.
Board the elegant E&O in Singapore, where most trains
start or end their journey. Singapore's Art Deco station
designed by Swan and Maclaren, leading architects during
colonial times, is sure to set the bygone tone.
Grab a cocktail or a good book and hit the open air
Observation Deck with your girl to enjoy the lush green
backdrop as it leisurely passes you by. Locals, young and old
will run alongside the train or eagerly wave and warmly smile
as you float by.
Once settled in, make your way to the dining car where a
succulent lunch awaits. Afternoons are then spent in an old
fashion and sexy manner with books, naps, tropical fruit
presentations and psychic palm and card readings. Step back
to a simpler time, where time appears to stand still.
64
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Whatever decadent direction you head in, alert your
personal cabin steward of your need for a wake up call and
an afternoon tea as you and your girl are sure to be lulled to
sleep late afternoon. The local Malay pastries and silver tray
service will make you feel properly spoiled. Savor the moment's
richness and simplicity. The rest of the day you can reflect out
the window or romantically rendezvous as the experience is
begging for romance.
After you cross the Johor Causeway late in the day, you'll
make a quick stop for a city view from the station in Kuala
Lumpur. Then it's back in the dining car for a romantic dinner
where those attending dress to impress. The food is excellent and appropriate for the elegant surroundings. Enjoy an
amuse-houche, warm scallop and cheese souffie with lobster
bisque and medallions of beef in fragrant vindaloo sauce.
The apres-dinner cocktail, vibrant conversation, long standing
staff and live entertainment in the lush lounge cabin is the
perfect aperiti£
Once you retire to your Pullman or State compartment or
perhaps your more expansive Presidential suite, your room
will be ready for sweet dreaming. The turn down service and
E&O robes awaits, as your cabin steward is one step ahead
of your every want and need. After being rocked to sleep like
a travel baby by the train on the tracks, he'll wake the two of
you as you cross Bukit Merah Lake. The continental breakfast served in bed as you watch the sun seductively rise is a
once in a life slice of travel heaven that you can only hope to
relive again and again. (orient-express.com) ■
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MANYBRIDES-TO-BE
around the country wait with bated
breath as the move toward marriage equality makes slow
and steady progress. On February 8, the Washington
state legislature approved a bill to grant same~sex couples
the freedom to marry. The day before, the federal Court
of Appeals for the Ninth Circuit ruled that Prop. 8, the
California constitutional amendment approved by voters in
2008 to roll back the right of same~sex couples to marry, is
unconstitutional. This is the first time in U.S. history that
a federal appeals court has struck down a statewide ban
on marriage for same~sex couples. Hope burns eternal for
California's committed lesbian lovers, and the welcome mat
is especially prominent at the LGBT~friendly Kimpton
chain of hotels. Their support of lesbians who choose to
check in goes back to the 1980s and they were the very first
hotel company to score 100 percent on the HRC Corporate
Equality index, but it's worth taking note of their genuine
hospitality once more.
In San Francisco, the state's flagship city of diversity
and one of its biggest tourist draws, the Prescott Hotel, a
Kimpton property, extends an invitation to lesbian brides.
The Prescott, conveniently located in San Francisco's
Union Square, offers the perfect sophisticated wedding
venue, and Postrio, the award~winning restaurant located
within the hotel is a gorgeous and available setting for your
event. The on~site management offers assistance planning
G LDEN
GATE
GLAMOUR
San Francisco's Prescott Hotel welcomes
brides-and their four-legged family.
By Georgia Krokus
your big day and the chef~inspired menus aim to "wow"
your wedding guests.
And the Kimpton approach to hos~pet~ality means that
all members of your rainbow family will feel included. Born of
a love and respect for all living creatures, the KimptonPets
program goes beyond simply allowing your pet to stay;
Kimpton includes fun amenities and services, including
cozy beds, dining bowls and treats, to ensure that pet guests
also have a satisfying stay. Any number of pets are welcome
regardless of size, weight, kind or breed-free
of charge.
At the Prescott, as at many Kimpton hotels, you will find a
director of pet relations who offers advice to visiting canine
friends; and pet sitting is available should you become
too busy with your own plans to pay your precious pooch
the attention it is used to at home. Now that's hospetality
■
unleashed. (kimptonhotels.com)
April 2012
I 65
WHEN
YOU'RE
LOOKING
FORquality real estate, the watchword
is "location, location, location:' The same can be said of any
hotel, especially in New York City. Manhattan is one of the
world's great cities precisely because its identity is so closely
linked to its architectural landmarks and scenic qualities,
which, no matter how urban, evoke a sense of charm and
romance rivaled only by Paris or London. When it comes
to location in Manhattan, the pearl in the oyster is Central
Park. And the prime end of that artful oasis is Central
Park South.
Upscale Art Deco accommodation
in the Big Apple. By Merryn Johns
CENTRAL
PARK
Central Park South is a parade of attractions, from
Columbus Circle at Eighth Avenue on the west, to Grand
Army Plaza and the Plaza Hotel at Fifth Avenue on the east.
In between is a procession of horse~drawn carriages and
yellow cabs, and four lovely entrances to the park, where the
loops and drives take you through lush vegetation and past
granite outcrops. The Pond provides a picturesque respite
(one of seven bodies of water designed by Frederick Law
Olmsted and Calvert Vaux as part of their pastoral fantasy).
With its quaint stone bridge and wooded nature sanctuary,
the Pond may be just steps from high~end shopping on Fifth
Avenue, but at its shores you can find peace and solitude,
watch the ducks, and wonder, like Holden Caulfield, where
they go in the winter. The ducks stay within the ecosystem
of the park, but perhaps the lucky ones venture across the
road to the luxurious Jumeirah Essex House!
In a city full of iconic structures, Jumeirah Essex House,
which shares the same vintage as the Chrysler Building and
the Empire State, was one of New York City's first land~
mark hotels when it opened, 44 stories high, in 1931. Now,
though, it has become one of the city's last-the
nearby
Plaza Hotel, capitulating to market forces, was redeveloped
for hotel condos in 2005. The Essex House remains
strictly a luxury hotel: Its gorgeous original gilded facade
still welcomes weary travelers from around the world; its
guest rooms have been tastefully updated (most recently
in 2007 with a $90 million renovation), but the exemplary
Art Deco lobby has been immaculately preserved; and
the distinctive, six-story, 1930s-style red rooftop sign still
proudly crowns the stepped structure. It is, thankfully, a
National Trust Historic Hotel, and its Art Deco aesthetic
is what makes Jumeirah Essex House a destination hotel.
The metropolis blossomed around it in the pre-war era, and
many of its public masterpieces belong to that time. Today,
you can still soak up that atmosphere by ordering afternoon
tea in the lobby or having an opulent Sunday brunch, just as
Central Park strollers did back then.
The hotel is a favorite with world leaders and celebrities
(recently, I passed Morgan Freeman, a celebrity who has
played world leaders, on the way to the elevators), and there
is a feeling of exclusivity when you check in and receive an
escort to your well-appointed room (with perhaps a breathtaking bird's-eye view of the foliage in Central Park). Your
room may look like a set from a Jean Harlow movie, but
it comes with high-speed Internet and premium-channel
cable television.
With 20,000 restaurants to choose from in the five
boroughs of New York City, it may seem odd to dine at the
hotel, but the food and wine at South Gate are worth staying
in for. The cuisine by chef Kerry Heffernan (formerly of
Danny Meyer's Eleven Madison Park) is simple-yet-elegant
modern American; the cocktails are delicious; and the
international wine selection, featuring 1,200 bottles, covers
all price points and palates (you also get to make your
selection from nifty iPad menus).
To burn those calories, visit the fitness center, with
its state-of-the-art cardiovascular and strangth-training
equipment. For those who want to indulge their senses, the
in-house spa has an inspired selection of massage treatments
(including the best deep-tissue massage experience I've ever
had). I especially liked it that they feature Australian-based
Sodashi products, which are available in New York only at
Jumeirah Essex House.
Because this is a luxury hotel, you might be checking in
for a special occasion, and the hotel can provide you with all
the amenities for your own fairytale lesbian wedding (not
to mention proximity to the park for a photo shoot). For
a union themed on classic glamour, you could have your
reception in the Grand Salon, the embodiment of BeauxArts opulence, with its gold-leaf-accented ceiling, crystal
chandeliers and hand-painted murals of French gardens.
The adjacent Petit Salon provides a more intimate venue,
and both salons are accessible at street level, with their own
private entrance from Central Park South. The wedding
team can assist you in creating the perfect day, sharing over
40 years of expertise in etiquette and event flow.
And if you can't bear to leave your four-legged babies at
home while you enjoy your nights away, bring them with
you. Jumeirah Essex House is delighted to offer them an
equally luxurious stay, thanks to the Canine Turndown
Program's in-room pet amenities, including a Wagwear
dog bed with plush blanket, homemade dog treats created
by the hotel's executive pastry chef, food and water bowls
with matching placemats, and stylish Wagwear collars and
leashes, so you can leave all your own pet accessories at
home. vumeirah.com) ■
April 2012
I 67
REVIEWSSapphic Screen
How She Rolls
Meet Tiphany Adams, the lesbian star of Push Girls. By Rachel Shatto
Tiphany Adams was a 17 ,year,old high
school senior who dreamed of becoming a
model when a drunk driver going 130 mph
crashed head,on into the car she and two of
her friends were in. Both of her friends were
killed in the collision and Adams barely sur,
vived (initially, doctors gave her a 5 percent
chance of survival), suffering trauma to her
spinal cord that left her paralyzed from the
waist down.
However, never one to be kept down for
long, the remarkable Adams returned to
school six months later, actually graduated
with her class and went on to successfully
pursue a career in modeling and acting.
Now, she and Angela Rockwood, Auti
Angel and Mia Schaikewitz-all of whom
are also paralyzed-are the subjects of the
Sundance Channel docu,series Push Girls,
premiering this spring.
The series, which is being touted as an
68
I curve
moved to Los Angeles. A friend invited me
to lunch at her friend's house, and it hap,
pened to be Angela's. We decided to go out
later and that same night I met Auti and
Mia. We really connected and have been
friends ever since.
Whatmisconceptions
doyouhopeto dispel
fortheaudience?
I hope to shatter stereotypes and let the
world know that through all the tragedies
that fill you with despair you can triumph.
I believe in prayer and meditation-ask
and you shall receive. I choose to make an
impact through love. With love you can
connect with everyone beyond the facade
of the exterior.
Doyoufeelextrapressure
to represent
forthe
LGBT
community?
No, more than anything I am thankful to be
HowdidyoumeetyourPushGirlscastmates? able to be a part of such a loving community
I met Angela [four years ago], after I that supports peace, love and equality.
unfiltered and unsentimental look at the
lives of these women, promises to be an
eye,opening experience, and Adams assures
us that the series will depict the broad
spectrum of her life, from the familiar
territory of L.A:s lesbian dating scene to
her close friendships with her inspiring
castmates, and will even follow her back
to her Northern California hometown to
attend a high school reunion as well as
visit-for the first time-the
scene of her
near,fatal car accident.
While there is no shortage of reality TV
series these days, Push Girls offers us a fas,
cinating insight into a misunderstood and
underrepresented group that has been in
need of a spokesperson-and
the inspiring
and lovely Adams is just the lesbian to do it.
Didyouhaveanyconcerns
aboutcomingout
onTV?
No, and yes. I was slightly hesitant because
I do have nieces and nephews who are from
a small town, and I don't want them to be
outcasts due to my sexual orientation. But
at the end of the day I have to be me, and I
know I am an amazing aunt and my family
loves me, regardless.
Isyourromantic
lifesomething
theseries
explores?
Yes, romantic excursions may be on the
horizon. I am dating.
So,asidefromyourromantic
life,whatother
aspects
ofyourlifeareportrayed
intheseries?
I revisit the accident scene for the first time
ever. I'm exploring different depths of mysel£
following my career paths and my love for
health and fitness.
Whatwasthemostchallenging
partof having
yourlifeoncamera?
Nothing is too challenging when you believe
anything is possible, as long as you have
faith. I guess the only bump in the road
would be with labels. People put too much
emphasis in categorizing individuals. I am
full of love. I will not label my sexual orientation or allow people to put me in a box. I
enjoy and love people for who they are on a
soul-to-soul level and not [because of] their
race or gender.
Whathasbeenthemostrewarding
part?
The most rewarding part is that it has been
liberating to let the world see my true colors.
I am thankful that I get the opportunity to
share my journey with people. We all go
through similar experiences, but we each
respond differently. The beauty is that I get
to share how I deal with life in general.
Doyouhavea personal
motto?
My motto is to be the light to those in darkness and the hope to those lost in despair. ■
Condoleeua Rice, PhD
=:~i~=~
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HitSoHard
{WellGo}
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Inthe late'90s,Hole,theCourtney
Love-fronted
grungeband,
seemedunstoppable.
Neitherthe
patriarchy
of the musicscene
normultiplefataldrugoverdoses
couldstopthefascination
and
furyaroundthisrawandrevered
group.Butallthatcameto an
endwhen,duringthe recording
of Celebrity
Skif}-the followup
to the band'sbreak-outhit record
LiveThrough
This-fiery-haired
lesbiandrummerPattySchemel
wasforcedoutof the recording
sessionandinturnquitthe band.
Whatwesawinthetabloidsand
on MTVNewsdidn'tbeginto tell
thefull storyof Schemel's
descent
downthe pathof destruction
and
herneardemise.
Toldthrough
footageandinterviews
with
family,formerbandmatesand
'90srockcontemporaries,
HitSo
Hardripsbackthecurtainonthe
pain,pleasure
andpuregenius
of HoleandScheme!.
Utterly
mesmerizing,
powerful,brutaland
ultimatelyhopeful,HitSoHardis
anabsolutemust-see.
MissRepresentation
{VirgilFilmsand
Entertainment}
Gameof Thrones:
TheComplete
FirstSeason
{HBOStudios}
Prepare
to getjustifiablyangry
whilewatchingthe inspiring
documentary
MissRepresentation,
whichhighlights
thewaysin
whichthe media'sportrayal
of
womensystematically
disenfranchisesthem.Thefilm featuresa
numberof illuminating
interviews
withwomenpoliticians,
celebrities
andmediastrategists,
including
Condoleezza
Rice,Margaret
Cho,RachelMaddowandMalkia
AmalaCyril.Thedoceffectively
portrayshoweverything
from
thederegulation
of the media,
to Photoshopped
images,
to
hypersexualized
advertising,
to thefat-shaming,
celebrityobsessed
coverage
of women
inthe newsmediaall contribute
to thisepidemicof degrading
representations.
It'sa compelling
andimportant
film,whosetagline
remindsus"Youcan'tbewhat
youcan'tsee."Showit to your
daughters,
sisters,girlfriends
and
anyonewhohaseversaidwe live
in a post-feminist
world.
Thinkfantasyis notyourthing?
WellGameof Thrones
is likely
to changeyourmindbecause
there'sa littlesomething
for
everyone
inthissweeping
epic:
intrigue,humor,violence-andfor
usladyloversthereis Daenerys
Targaryen,
the heteroflexible
fairhairedprincessin exile,aswellas
thealwayslovelylezziefaveLena
Headey,
whostarsasthevillainousmatriarchCerseiLannister.
Theseriesis setonthecusp
of winterin thefictionalSeven
Kingdoms
of Westerns,
where
seasonslastfor yearsandeveryoneis plottingto achievegreater
power,eitherthroughviolenceor
(equallydeadly)scheming.
Game
of Thrones
is witty,heart-rending,
frequently
shockingandwildly
entertaining-itbelongsat the
verytopof yourmust-watch
list.
Andwithseasontwo all setto
premiere
thismonth,it's the
perfecttimeto getcaughtup,
soyoucanstartcrushingon
Daenerys
alongwiththerestof us.
Spark
{Entertainment
One}
Sparkis a wonderfully
strange
movie.It'sa subversive
takeon
thecinematic
formulathatgoes
asfollows:anoutcastmakes
goodwitha dancenumber.
It's
thequeeranswerto Napoleon
Dynamite
in thatit seemsto occur
outsideof time,in a mishmash
of popcultureandfashionsfrom
the lastthreedecades.
Sporkis
a frizzy-haired,
female-identified
intersexwho,tormented
byher
classmates,
pinsherhopesfor
happiness
onwinningtheschool
talentshow.However,
Sparkhas
a lot moreto sayundertheguise
of thisformulaicveneer.
Whereas
its mainstream
counterparts
oversimplify
thingsdownto mere
socioeconomic
differences,
Spark
introduces
ideasabouthow
gender,
sexuality
andraceplay
a rolein theschoolyard
social
structurebycreating:meangirls,
bulliesandtheirvictims.Yet,
despiteits heavysubjectmatter,
thefilm stayslightthanksto its
quirkysensibilities
andupbeat
andnostalgic
soundtrack.
April 2012
I 69
REVIEWSMusic Watch
Who's Afraid of Fay Wolf?
The talented musicianfinds her voice. By Dave Steinfeld
Fairfield, Conn., is not a town that turns out
a lot of biracial, bisexual singer,songwriters.
Trust me, I grew up one town over. For
the most part, Fairfield is wealthy, white
bread, conservative New England. The best,
known musician it has produced to date is
probably John Mayer. But it also happens
to be where Fay Wolf-a biracial, bisexual
singer,songwriter-grew
up. Raised by a
black mother and a white, Jewish father,
Wolf focused on acting first. She joined
theater groups as a kid and spent her 20s
appearing in TV shows that ranged from
All My Children to Chappelle'sShow to
NCIS: Los Angeles.Then, a few years ago,
she began writing songs. After she released
an EP called Blanketsin 2010, her fantastic
full,length debut, Spiders, appeared this
past November.
Spiders contains 11 original songs and
is heavy on lush, sad piano ballads; indeed,
70
I curve
her motto is "Fay Wolf will make you cry:'
But if the album is melancholy, it isn't
monotonous. Songs like "Mine" channel
Tori Amos, while "See Monkey" leans more
toward Suzanne Vega. The album's closer,
"Backstage Girl;' could have come from a
musical. But the standout, to these ears at
least, is a breathtaking song called simply
"Was:' Wolf says, "It's a true love song
[and it's] one of the songs that was written
pretty quickly. I'm happy with the way it
turned out:'
Then there's "Black People;' which is
jazzier and a bit less serious than most of
the tunes on Spiders."[It's] one of the first
songs I ever wrote;' says Wol£ "It's obviously
about my racial identity and my confusion
about that. But as far as the specifics of what
it means-I don't know!" she laughs. She
adds, "I enjoy telling people the title [of that
song] during live performance. Whenever I
say 'This is called 'Black People' and when,
ever I say 'This is called Dead Dads and
Sad Moms; there's uncomfortable laughter!"
Onstage, Wolf is a natural, perhaps because
of her background in theater.
There'sa bisexualfight
going on that unfortunately
is sometimesagainstour
own community.
When it came time to record her album,
Wolf -like an increasing number of artists
these days-went
about raising money
through the website Kickstarter.com. As it
turns out, she surpassed her goal of rais,
ing $15,000. "I was hesitant at first about
essentially asking people for money;' she
admits. "But then I saw so many musicians
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and artists and inventors describing
really beautiful experiences. You know,
it's not just people throwing down
money-it's
people who care about
the specific projects and want to be
involved at this grassroots level. And,
working backwards, I'll say that send~
ing the updates after the fact has been
really exciting for people. I get lots of
responses from my backers and my
friends when I send out the updates.
They're just so excited to be a part of
it. So it's this lovely experiment that
I tried and that worked out. I really
needed the money to finish it and get it
out there, and I literally could not have
[done that] without the campaign:'
Wolf is nothing if not uncategoriz~
able.Not only is she biracialand bisexual,
even her musical influences run the
gamut. On the one hand, she cites Amos,
Ani DiFranco and the Indigo Girls as
some of her favorites. But on the other
hand, Wolf is an unabashed fan of
hair metal and grunge. Surprisingly,
she lists '80s MTV acts like Skid Row
and Warrant as bands that she loves,
as well as Seattle mainstays from the
'90s like Soundgarden, Pearl Jam and
Screaming Trees. Admittedly, it's hard
to hear the influence of Skid Row in
her music!
Being difficult to define can be a
blessing and a curse, though. Wolf tells
me, "Growing up in Connecticut, and
basically growing up in a white world,
the little flak I got was from the black
community. It's tough. Because my skin
is essentially white, I found that I got
more flak from the black kids than the
white kids. I was getting called Oreo by
the black kids.
'Tve had this experience in the
bisexual world as well;' she adds."There's
a bisexual fight going on that unfortu~
nately is sometimes against our own
community. Sort of what I was touching
on earlier, about being able to pass and
being made fun of for having feet in
two different worlds. From my stand~
point, it'sjust one world-which is me:'
(faywolfmusic.com)■
AmyRay
lung of love
(Daemon
Records)
WhileAmyRay
maybebestknown
for herpartnership
in the iconicduo
the IndigoGirls,
shealsohasa
stunningbodyof
workas a solo
artist.Herlatest
offering,Lung
of Love,marks
Ray'ssixthsolo
album,andit may
be herbestyet.
Thiscollectionof
longsongsstrays
from,but never
fully abandons,
her
folk roots.Rather,
it gentlysteers
moretowardrock
andblueswith the
occasional
foray
intopop,country
andpunk.Album
highlights
include
the opener"When
You'reGone,You're
Gone"whichis
a languidbluesy
trackthat calls
to mindthe best
of SherylCrow,
but with more
edge;andthe title
track"Lungof
Love"is a poppy
andmelodically
invitingodeto
amourthat's like
an audiblebalmfor
heartache.
MeshellNdegeocello PatricePike
Jessica6
Seethelight
Weather
andFriends
(Peacefrog
Records) (Na"ive
Records)
live and Then
Some:Volume
2
ThisBrooklynListeningto the
(ZainWayne)
basedtrio fronted
seductively
haunting
bytranssuperstar
Weather,
it's hard
Livealbumscan
NomiRuizhas
to imaginethatthis
berisky.Formany
albumcamefrom
corneredthe
artists,theycan
marketon languid
the sameperson
exposeweaknesses
whoputoutthe
discobeats.Their
thata studiocan
debutalbum,See
smack-talking
1993
compensate
for,but,
theLight,is a
hit "If That'sYour
ontheotherhand,
13-tracktestament
Boyfriend(HeWasn't
therearesomemusito latenightslooking
LastNight),"but it's
ciansthatshinein
for andfindinglove
just a testamentto
a livesetting.Queer
intheclub.With
the ongoingsonic
songstress
and
tracksrangingin
evolution
of a singuformerSister7 frontinfluencefrom
larartist.All formula
womanPatricePike,
houseandcontemandgimmickshave
withhersoulfulclear
poraryR&Bto Latin
beentossedaside
andsoaringvocals,
music(bywayof
onthis moody,
is thankfullyoneof
Miami),theycreate
unpredictable
and
the latter.Recorded
a surrealistmixture
experimental
set
in an intimatevenue
of thefamiliarand
list."RapidFire"is a
in the blink-andthe exotic.While
whisperyspokenyou'll-miss-it
town
the songstend
wordpiecesetto
of Murphys,
Calif.,
a drivingbeatwith
towardthe dance
Pikeandaccomfloor-friendly,
there
just a touchof the
panyingbandhave
is somethingintrinpsychedelic
about
whatamountsto a
sicallymelancholy
it; "CrazyAndWild"
stunning13-song
aboutthe album,
is a stellarduetwith
jamsessionthat
fromits leisurely
ChrisConnolly
that
feelslesslikea
tempoto lyrics
callsto mindSade
performance
than
filledwith longing
andLeonardCohen
a celebration
of the
andbroughtto life
in equalmeasure;
pleasure
of creating
by Ruiz'saching
and"Weather"is
music.Hersoundis
anoddlypleasant,
vocals.Standout
contemporary
rock
tracksinclude
discordantmarriage
butborrowsheavily
"WhiteHorse,"
of R&Bandcountry
fromthe improvi"Prisonerof Love"
thatopensthe
sationalspiritof
and"Freakthe
album,hintingat
Jazz,andPikeeven
Night,"onan album
the musical
indulgesin some
that'sall divafrom
surprisesthat await
impressively
skillful
openingbeatto
adventurous
scatsinging.
closingnote.
listeners.
April 2012
I 71
REVIEWSTech Girl
Techfor Tykes
10 great gadgets for moms and tots. By Rachel Shatto
Whether you're a new mom (or an InstaMom) with a kiddo
in a cradle, or a rug-rat who is up and running around, these
are the gadgets to help you keep an eye on them or keep
them entertained-and
you sane.
I. Mini Mobile
These days even the littlest kids can get use out of a cell phone, whether
they are keeping in touch with family members or, heaven forbid, they
need to be able to call for an emergency. But most phones are overly
complex and not really up to the wear and tear kids can put on them.
Enter the Firefly,a phone designed especially for kids, with large buttons,
simple menus and handy features such as games, an MP3 player and a
one-touch emergency button. They're easy on mom's pocket too, starting at $50 and with prepaid plans so you can keep a handle on costs.
($50, firefiymobile.com)
2. Rockin' Cotton
Is your little one eager to unleash their inner Melissa Etheridge, Kaki
King or Anne McCue:' Then the Electric Rock Guitar tee from Think
Geek will have them strumming with joy. This shirt, which doubles
as an instrument, features an easy but fully playable guitar which
includes all the major chords. Simply wave the magnetic pick above
the strings and commence rocking out. It also comes with a matching
mini guitar amp that clips to a belt and can be dialed up to, you guessed
it, 11. ($20, thinkgeek.com)
3. Age-Appropriate Aperture
Kids love taking pictures, but handing over the family camera is a risky
and potentially pricey proposition, which is why Crayola's digital camera
just for kids is so fantastic. This tough as nails and simple to use camera
makes taking pictures with little hands a snap, plus the dual side
handgrips seriously up the odds that your petite photographer will be
able to keep a hold of it. ($70, hammacher.com)
•
•
•
()
4. Tablet for Tykes
Help your kids get a jump on their education with
Leap Frog's LeapPad, a tablet built just for them. Like
a traditional tablet, the LeapPad has a built in camera,
touch screen and apps. It comes with over 100 books,
games and videos that are both educational and entertaining. Built to be resilient to the bumps and drops of little
ones, the Leap Pad features content designed to help with all
aspects of your child's learning, encouraging their imagination and creativity. ($99, leapfrog.com)
5. Tracking Trifecta
While a baby monitor may help you keep a close ear on your
gayby, Angelcare's 3-in- 1 digital video, sound and movement
baby monitor takes it to a whole other level. The two-way monitor
allows you to not only hear but soothe your little one with the
sound of your voice. The camera provides a live feed transmission
that is crystal clear and transitions easily into the dark with night
vision. But what makes this package truly stand out is the underthe-mattress sensor that monitors baby's movements and will
notify you when they wake up before they even have a chance to
cry. ($300, angelcare-monitor.com)
6. Bottle Rocket
For the mombian on the go, the Yoomi is a lifesaver. If you've
ever had to deal with a hungry baby you know that time is of the
essence, because they go from cranky to meltdown fast. Fortunately,
this self- heating bottle and warmer safely heats a toddler's tipple
to breast temperature in just 60 seconds. Yoomi means no more
hunting down a hot cup of water when the clock starts ticking
down on that hungry kiddo bomb. ($33, yoomi.com)
7. Bright Idea
Up until now, pacifiers have pretty much doubled as kootie factories.
How often have you seen this move: pacifier is in the mouth, falls
on the floor, kid grabs it and pops it back in their mouth. Gross,
but true. However, there is hope for pacifier-kind: the Pipila. This
baseball-sized gadget
can sanitize the grimiest of pacifiers in just three
minutes thanks to its built
in germ-busting UV light.
Hooray! ($35, pipilausa.com)
8. Galaxy Grub
Make dinnertime flashy and fun
for your little geeklet with the Star
Trek Enterprise light up feeding system. This adorable and easy to clean motion controlled bib and spoon helps keep
fussy eaters' attention with flashing lights which 'guide" the spoon
in for a landing. Which means all you have to do is set course for
pureed carrots and ... engage. ($18, thinkgeek.com)
4. Star Gazer
Want to give your kid the Sun, Moon and stars? Well, good
news: now you can with Star Theater Pro Home Planetarium.
This top-of-the-line projector offers viewers a window into the
wonders of astronomy and can be set to slowly rotate to offer that
authentic feeling of gazing into the night sky, but with creature
comforts like climate control. It also has an auto shutoff function,
so feel free to fall asleep without fear of any unnecessary wear and
tear on our planet. ($170, thinkgeek.com)
10. Your Secret Sleepy Weapon
So you've finally got baby to sleep and schlepped your way back to
bed, only to hear the warning cry of a cranky and very awake kid.
Well, good news, there's a new secret weapon in the battle of the
bedtime: the Voice Activated Crib Light with womb sounds. At
the first sign of a wakeful child the two-pronged soothing attack
begins. First a colored light begins cycling in a calming pattern, then
the womb sounds kick in and barn, it's lights-out for the little one.
You're welcome. ($15, thinkgeek.com) ■
..l!/11111
............
.
April 2012
I 73
Vegan clam chowder at
Lakeside {left) and dim sum
at Wazuzu
Vegan Las Vegas
Ellenand Portia's personal chef brings culinary kindnessto Sin City. By Constance Parten
Celebrated vegan chef and cookbook
author Tal Ronnen (also known as Ellen
and Portia's personal chef) has collaborated
with chefs at Las Vegas' Wynn and Encore
resorts to create innovative new vegan
menus that will please even the fussiest
eater. The first resort on the Las Vegas
Strip to offer an extensive vegan culinary
program (Steve Wynn is himself vegan),
every restaurant-that's
22 food outlets,
from casual to fine dining, even room
service-at Wynn Las Vegas and Encore
offers a change from the rich and animal
protein~heavy fare normally associated with
the burgeoning Vegas dining scene.
The author of The New York Times
best~selling cookbook The Conscious Cook:
Delicious Meatless Recipes That Will Change
the Way You Eat, Ronnen is a vegan expert:
he created a 21 ~day vegan cleanse for Oprah
Winfrey and has worked in the country's top
vegan restaurants including VegiTerranean
74
I curve
restaurant, a collaboration with rocker and
animal activist Chrissie Hynde.
Once a meat eater, Ronnen made it his
life's work to be a vegan che£ His influ~
ences lie in his family: his sisters were both
vegetarian from an early age, and while
his parents were adventurous foodies who
enjoyed international cuisine, a family his~
tory of cancer and heart disease, and a
concern for animals and the environment,
made Ronnen switch to a vegan diet. It is,
he believes, something we should make an
effort to consider, even part~time. "It's the
first powerful way to do something posi~
tive for the environment-even
more so
than riding a bicycle or driving a Prius; if
Americans ate even two plant~based meals
a week it would have a huge impact on the
environment:'
If you think a vegan meal is bland and
underwhelming, consider Ronnen's vegan
"Clam Chowder" with cashew cream base
and smoked oyster mushrooms; or tuck into
his Truffied Wild Mushroom Napoleon
with garlic and herb roasted potato, arug~
ula, truffied wild mushrooms, and sundried
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Food & Wine REVIEWS
tomato. If you have simpler tastes, he makes a vegan
burger that tastes just like a burger. Sweet tooth?
Try his Chocolate Almond Brownie with raspberry
sorbet, bittersweet chocolate sauce. Whatever your
palate, there's no need to feel like an inconvenience
when dining with non~vegan company in Vegas;
and if you're a die~hard carnivore or even a pes~
catarian, maybe this is the time and place to give
yourself a break.
It's taken him a year to pull all the menus together.
"The variety is incredible. There's nowhere in the
world where you can get this much vegan food
under one roof;' Ronnen says. Take, for instance, the
"crab" cakes he created for the seafood restaurant,
Lakeside. Hearts of palm from Hawaii reminded
him of the texture of crab, so he poached the palm
in seaweed and went about creating a vegan crab
cake that would trick even the most discerning
crustacean lover.
Ronnen is inspired to make vegan food exemplary
largely because when non~meat eaters dine out
they are short~changed, often served vegetable side
dishes instead of creative main courses. "That really
motivated me to learn how to cook professionally.
I wanted to learn how to cook traditionally and
because I did that I am able to adapt what I learned
to create what I think is appealing to non~vegetarians:'
With culinary school techniques, Ronnen adapts
classic (and tasty) techniques to vegan ingredients.
Once thought of as a culinary outsider, "the weirdo
chef;' Ronnen anticipated the current shift in the
food movement. "Now everyone is interested in it.
People realize that eating the way we're eating is
not sustainable:'
And those people include Oprah and Ellen and
Portia. What's it like cooking for them? "The most
amazing experience. These are people who want to
make a difference in the world. That is what I'm
about:' Unfortunately, Ronnen signs NDAs for
his clients so he can't spill the beans on exactly
what they eat. But he delights in the experience of
having worked for them. Oprah, he says, is "a great
ambassador for eating better:' That Ellen and Portia's
vegan wedding feast generated so much intense
media speculation amuses him. "There were so many
paparazzi at the wedding that somebody got a shot
of a pizza that we had ordered for the staff and
Us magazine reported that we served pizza at the
wedding;' he laughs.
So if you really want to eat like a celesbian with
a personal vegan chef, just head to Wynn Las Vegas
and Encore and ask for the vegan menu at any one of
their dining establishments. ( wynnlasvegas.com)■
LUSH LIFE
Natalie MacLean's smart and savvy Unquenchable: A
Tipsy Quest for the World's Best Bargain Wines makes
that most mystified alcoholic beverage accessible to
all-especially those of us with slim wallets. This book
opens with a brave bouquet as Maclean declares her
quest to follow her nose for a bargain. "Can you recommend a great wine that costs less than $5?" she is
asked. "Not unless all you want is a wet tongue," she
answers. Nevertheless, she sets about sourcing approximately 147 of the best bargain international tipples and
leaves you longing to taste them. An added pleasure is
that this book reads like a tantalizing travelogue. From
Australia's iconic shiraz to Germany's riesling resurgence
to Provence's back-in-vogue rose; eight chapters take
readers traipsing through the world's top wine terrains.
Maclean shares what she knows about wine that is
good but inexpensive, and ends each chapter with her
"Fieldnotes from a Wine Cheapskate" along with tasting
menus and wine and food pairings. You meet top wine
producers and experience must-visit wineries-all from
the comfort of your armchair-and when you're done
you'll be wiser about wine than when you cracked the
spine of this nifty book. Maclean, an accredited sommelier,
is the only person to have won both the M.F.K. Fisher
Distinguished Writing Award from the James Beard
Foundation and the M.F.K. Fisher Award for Excellence
in Culinary Writing from Les Dames d'Escoffier
International. (nataliemaclean.com) [MerrynJohns]
April 2012
I 75
REVIEWSIn The Stacks
Q+A Sara Toshiko Hasu
The Megume and the Treesauthor is working to end the silence around depression in LGBT teens.
By RosannaRios Spicer
With the alarmingly high depression and
suicide rates among the LGBT community
a new young adult novel, Megume and
the Trees, offers a mirror into the lonely
landscape of depression and the hopeful
possibility of overcoming it. Written by
lesbian author Sarah Toshiko Hasu, it is
rich with cultural symbolism and a plot that
is as magical as it is darkly realistic. Megume
finds herself lost in a strange forest where
she must confront her past decisions, decide
her future and find her truth all while trying
to escape from the melancholy labyrinth of
trees and mystery. Hasu doesn't skirt the
difficult and complex topic of depression
and suicide, instead offering a map and hope
for those of us who've ever been lost in our
own thick of trees.
Whois Megumeandwhatinspiredher?
Megume is a 15~year~old girl who is lost
76
I curve
I wrote a novel that was very much about being
stuck. Because you are stuck, you have no rights
or autonomy and you may genuinely know what's
best for yourself but it doesn't matter in terms of
other people getting to make those choices.
in a metaphoricaL.and
in a very literal
sense as well. The book, which is told from
her point of view, is about how she figures
herself out in the circumstances of own
her making.
Inthenovel,Megumefinds
another
lostwoman
namedKatandtheyseemto builda strong,
evenromanticrelationship.
Whatis Kat'srole
in thestory?
Megume falling for Kat is key to finding
her truth. It's not so much that she falls in
love with a woman, it's the act of falling in
love and being in love and having someone
you care about there. Finding Kat is how
Megume sort of shakes herself out of it in
a sense. That is and that wakes her up to
realize "Oh, there were other people I cared
about and who cared about me too" that ties
her to some sense of survival.
Megumeandthe Treesdealswithsomevery
heavytopicsthat peopleof all ages can
relateto. Whydid youchooseto write the
bookfor youngadults?
I didn't specifically choose to write a book
for young adults but I've always been very aware
of how I felt when I was younger. I spent a lot of
time around adults who spent a lot of time talking
about what was best for children and young adults
without considering the individual and that always
upset me.
Megume being 15 and the story being told in her
voice, that's what makes it young adult. But I wrote a
novel that was very much about being stuck. Because
you are stuck, you have no rights or autonomy and
you may genuinely know what's best for yourself but
it doesn't matter in terms of other people getting to
make those choices. We have to set up laws to protect
young people but at the same time if you don't give
them any rights or any voice then you end up being
in a scary situation.
Is anypartof thestoryinspiredbyreallife?
I was suicidal. I was from the time I was 8 until I was
24 and you look back and say how did anyone not
notice? And part of that is, we hid it very well. We
didn't want to be interfered with. Two of the people
the book is dedicated to did commit suicide. And
that's why I couldn't take a preachy tone or make it
all be magically better in the end.
It was a moment of a reflection of my 20s that
[made me realize that] there was so much that
they missed and there was so much that I would've
missed between 8 and 24. I didn't even know I was
gay until I was 19, I could've died and not even have
known myself
What messageare you sendingin this bookabout
dealingwithdepression
andloss?
The message I would like to send is that, you're
not alone in it. But you don't know that when
you're in that place, especially when you're young.
I just wanted to write a book where if you don't
know anyone else who has struggled with this or
you don't know who you can talk to then there's
Megume. And there are definitely places you can
turn and people you can talk to.
DoyoufeelthatbeingLGBTmakesit moredifficultto
reachoutfor help?
If you feel different from your family and friends,
that's much harder. It might make it harder to think
you can find help. We live in a very heterosexual
mainstream world so we don't necessarily know
that the Trevor Project is there and it falls to these
organizations to make themselves known. It's difli~
cult to learn that you do have to save yourself. You
are the only one who decides whether you live or die.
(sarahtoshikohasu.com)■
1WILIGHTWHO?
Immortallongings
DianeDeKelb-Rittenhouse
(TinySatchelPress)
Youngadultfiction is hot right
now,thanksto wildly popular
booksserieslike TheHunger
Games,HarryPotterandthe
ubiquitousTwilight.Whileall of
thesebookshavetheir merits
andcanoffer an entertaining
read,they aren't reallyfor us;
nonefeaturequeercharactersor
reflectour comingof agestories
and,in the caseof Twilight,
offer a troubling,anti-feminist
protagonist.Fortunately,
all that is
aboutto changethanksto author
DianeDekelb-Rittenhouse's
new
lesbianyoungadultvampirenovel
ImmortalLongings.
Whenit comesto writing about
the vampiremythos,DeKelbRittenhouseis an old hand,having
previouslywritten extensivelyon
the subjectwith essaysincluding
"Sexandthe SingleVampire:The
Evolutionof the VampireLothario
andits Representation
in Buffy"
as well as adultvampirefiction
that hasbeenincludedin several
anthologiessuchas NightBites:
VampireStoriesBy Womenand
NightShade:GothicTalesby
Women.Nowsheturnsthat expertise to a youngeraudiencewith
the youngadultlesbianvampire
novel,ImmortalLonging~a first
of its kind.
As the bookopens,Laurenand
her bestfriend(with whomshe
is secretly,madlyin love),the
beautifulandtalentedbiracial
(andbisexual)Kayla,are leaving
a playwhenthey stumbleacross
a newlyopenedvintagestorerun
by a mysteriousandseductive
womannamedElizabeth.As you
mayhaveguessed,Elizabethhas
a darksanguinesecret.Soonthe
duofind themselvescaughtup
in the treacherousworld of the
undeadwhereit's up to Lauren
to protectthe girl she loves,and
maybeevenmakeher realize
they'remeantto be.
Babydykes(andgrownup
dykesfor that matter)who long
for their own Twilightwill be
delightedwith ImmortalLongings,
which hasall the romanceand
thrills of that blockbusterseries
but with a Sapphictwist. However,
despitethe easycomparison
betweenthe books,Immortal
Longingsis no carboncopyof
StephanieMeyer'sseries,as the
mythology,settingandoverall
vibe is distinctlydifferent.Plus,
the writing as a wholeis stronger,
the charactersmuchmorefully
realized-particularlythat of our
lead,Lauren,who unlikeBellais
a fully formedand multifaceted
character.Andthis is the other
way in which ImmortalLongings
differsfrom its mainstream
counterpart:Laurenis not simply
our narrator,she is our heroine.
Shedoesn'tsit by passively
observingthe action;sheplays
an activerole.Havinga female
characterwith this kind of agency
is in manywaysjust as important
for youngqueerreadersas it is to
havetheir sexualityrepresented.
Overall,ImmortalLongingsa great
readfor youngqueerwomenand
queerwomenwho are youngat
heart.[RachelShatto]
April 2012
I 77
REVIEWSIn The Stacks
Mama Drama
Two lesbian memoirs tackle the complicated lives of mothers and daughters. By Rachel Pepper
RidingFuryHome:A Memoir,ChanaWilson
(SealPress)andHowto Geta GirlPregnant,
KarleenPendletonJimenez(ZuritaBooks):
A successful memoir captures meaningful
moments and important periods in the
writer's life, so that the reader can find
commonality with it, in all its tragedies
and triumphs. Such is the case with both
Riding Fury Home, by Chana Wilson, and
Karleen Pendleton Jimenez's How to Get a
Girl Pregnant.
The more substantial of the two books,
Riding Fury Home, begins when Chana is
a young girl of 7 in 1958, and her mother
attempts to commit suicide by putting a
gun to her head. Except the gun doesn't go
off. Her mother is then taken to the first
of many mental hospitals, and eventually
given electroshock therapy.
Experimental at the time and controversial even now, these treatments did nothing
to solve her mother's depression or its
underlying cause, the fact that her mother
was gay. Gay and unhappily married to
78
I curve
Chana's father. Gay at a time when this was
something shameful something to be kept
secret, a pathology that needed "fixing:'
Because this is Chana's tale, however, these
years resonate with a child's helplessness in
the face of her mother's mental illness, and
then with a child's determination to both
care for her mother in her father's absence
and to develop her own sense of strength
to survive.
"There is a phrase I clearly remember
telling myself in my childhood, repeating
it like a mantra, a vow, a motto;' writes
Wilson. "I am so strong, I can get through
anything ... The alternative, to not cope,
to possibly let my mother die, was too
terrifying:'
However, Riding Fury Home is not just
the story of a mother's illness. After both
Wilson and her mother do indeed survive
this harrowing time, the memoir sweeps
us up into more hopeful landscapes. These
include Chana's awakening as a student
activist at Grinnell College and then her
exc1tmg years m San Francisco during
the lesbian feminist movement of the
1970s. Highlights from this time in her
life include living in a commune, dealing
with FBI surveillance, heated political
activism, sexual liberation, helping to
pioneer lesbian public radio, a return
to school to become a therapist, and her
mother's coming out in a blaze of longoverdue glory.
Wilson very accurately captures both the
vulnerable but steely-willed child of long
ago and the successful women that both
she and her mother eventually become.
This lovely memoir is a welcome resource
for those with mental illness in their families,
especially if they have to cope, as Wilson
did, with caring for a difficult but muchloved parent.
In How to Get a Girl Pregnant, Karleen
Pendleton Jimenez's journey to motherhood is traced from desire to delivery-of
sperm. Although she does eventually conceive, this memoir is less a baby tale than
the story of how she got the goods to allow
conception to occur. Paralleling so many
lesbians' journeys on the path to parenthood, Pendleton Jimenez rides a roller
coaster of optimistically planned inseminations and crushed hopes as her credit card
bill mounts and her periods keep coming.
With humor, humility, and unflinching
honesty, How to Get a Girl Pregnant also
details a butch woman's insights gained
and lessons learned-about
wishing to
conceive, anxiously waiting out a potential donor's indecision as the fertility clock
ticks, grappling with inhumane fertility
procedures and the absurd costs of frozen
sperm, turning to anonymous straight sex
as a potential solution, and eventually
networking to find a known donor who is
willing to help her and her partner, Hilary,
produce a child. An academic who also
writes LGBT-themed material including
the children's picture book Are You a Boy
or a Girl? Pendleton Jimenez knows how to
tell a story, including her own. ■
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April 2012
I 79
STARS
April Temptations
You may be led astray this month by enticing distractions.
By Charlene Lichtenstein
Aries(March21-April 20)
Turn up your charm to full blast and send it into the
cosmos. Lambda Rams find various opportunities
to meet and greet and sweep certain ladies off their
feet. You know just what to say to get just what you
want. But once having gotten it, don't rush through
the meal. Let your hot dish simmer, stew and savor
before you serve her.
Libra(Sept.24-0ct. 23)
April sends you on a long and fun vacation. And
not a moment too soon! You need to escape from
all the background static and work mumbo jumbo.
Co~workers are restless and workplace machinations
are creating roadblocks in your professional primrose
path. So plan an escape to someplace warm, wet
and "wilde:'
Taurus(April21-May 21)
Life becomes very hectic and frenetic all through
April. Not only is your presence demanded at every
top party, your dance card fills up to overflowing with
assorted admirers and hangers on. Soon this leads to
many scandalous rumors and scuttlebutt. How can
you handle so much action:'
Scorpio(Oct.24-Nov.22)
You are a hot number who knows how to add things
up. Ladies gravitate to you and you are caught up in a
whirlwind of sex and intense sensuality. But there is
more to life than just endless nights of lust. Promise
yourself that you will seek commitment, friendship
and domesticity ... eventually.
Gemini(May 22-June 21)
Take a look at yourself in the mirror. You will like
BecauseAries is the who you see. But don't let all these good looks wither
ruler of the first houseof on the vine. Grab some bosom buddies and see what
new beginningsandfirst the social scene offers in terms of delightful diversions.
impressions,SapphicRams Possibly expand your social circle by joining new
are happiestin careers groups and organizations.
Sagittarius(Nov.23-Dec. 22)
You may inadvertently take on too much responsibility
at work and find yourself just another rat in the rat
race. The secret to your success is to find ways to delegate
the more time consuming and distasteful tasks to
underlings or co~workers, if possible. Ask nicely.
Aries(March21-April 20)
wherethey can be fire
starters,getting projectsoff
the groundwith a rousing,
passionatestart. With all
this independentenergy,it
is understandable
that they
are not particularlygoodat
taking ordersandwill give a
fiery mouthto any imbecile
who tries to orderthem
around.Forthat reason,
expectyourArianwomanto
be self-employedor working
in a situationwhereshe
doesn'thavea direct boss.
Cancer(June22-July 23)
People are saying nice things about you behind
your back. Don't be oblivious to the opportunities,
especially at work. You don't even have to say or do
anything to get ahead. In fact, taking any direct action
may not be in your best interests at this time. Cool
your jets now and soar to the heights this summer.
Leo(July 24-Aug. 23)
How can you hang around your girlfriends and not
spend a bundle of money:' It may be difficult but try
to spend within your means without being mean.
Proud Lionesses can be generous to a fault. Maybe
you should prowl around and snag a well~endowed
benefactress to help you fill your bathtub with sweet,
bubbling champagne.
Virgo(Aug.24-Sept. 23)
It is time to make a big career move. You delight those
Charlene
Lichtenstein
is
theauthorofHerScopes: in charge and have the personal oomph to make big
things happen in any long~term goals. So what are
A GuidetoAstrology
you
waiting for:' You may feel a lack of confidence but
for Lesbians
(Simon&
this is temporary. Carefully plan your next move and
Schuster)
(tinyurl.com/HerScopes).
Nowavailableasan ebook.
wait for the right time to take action.
so I curve
Capricorn(Dec.23-Jan. 20)
Travel plans may go awry but that doesn't mean you
should stay home and look at the walls. In fact,
family and gal pals may come to your rescue and offer
you pleasant pastimes and calming, stress reducing
escapes. Put your itinerary on the backburner and
embrace the cosmos with massages, meditation and
mellowness.
Aquarius(Jan.21-Feb. 19)
Love and the pursuit of it could wind up costing you
more than you think. You may become blinded by
lust and want to give her everything and anything
you can. How about focusing on simple pleasures
like a walk in the park or a cozy night at home with
an early bird special:'
Pisces(Feb.20-March 20)
First impressions can be lasting impressions so think
carefully before you reach out to someone who you
do not know well. Even better, hang around those ><
0
who know you well and who appreciate you for who ~
you are. Entertain more at home and give relation~ ~
~
ships more time and space to develop. You will be the @
big fish in the pond by the summer, Guppie. ■
~
TRACYCHAPMAN/ KIRSTENVANGSNESS / SANDRABERNHARD/
JODIE FOSTER/ ANI DIFRANCO/ MELISSAETHERIDGE/TAMMYLYNN
MICHAELS/ ALEXANDRAHEDISON/ LILYTOMLIN/ KELLYMCGILLIS/
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LYNCH/ K,D, LANG / JACKIEWARNER/ ANNE HECHE/ MEREDITH
BAXTER/ JANIS IAN/ WE GOT THEM COVERED / ANGELINAJOLIE/
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Features
52
Happily Ever After
Out country music star Chely Wright found
lesbian activism and true love with Lauren
Blitzer. Now the happy couple invites us into
their wedded bliss. By Merryn Johns
30
APRIL2012
52
Ani Difranco: Choosing Sides
After a three year break, our favorite indie
A-lister is back with a new and important
album. By Dave Steinfeld
33
Back to School
If you're raising kids you need to know which
schools are LGBT-friendly. Here's our expert
advice on how to tell. By Lisa A. Eramo
TheFamilyIssue
It begins with finding your soulmate and
ends with lots of kids, both two- and fourlegged. This issue we celebrate our diversity.
37
Sudden-Onset Parenthood
Learn from lnstaMom and Real L Word
alumnus, Tracy Ryerson. By Janelle
Sorenson
40
Finding The One
Lesbians love romance, but does true
love last forever? By Allison Steinberg
42
Babylicious
Adorable outfits for gaybies, as designed by
lesbian moms. By Merryn Johns.
46
Pet Project
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How a lesbian photographer bridged the gap
between rescue dogs and pedigree pooches.
By Rachel Shatto
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COVER
PHOTO:
KAROLINA
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click away~
When you subscribe to our
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Departments
IN EVERY ISSUE
6
7
8
10
17
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20
22
80
24
Contributors
26
This Is What a Lesbian Looks Like
72
The Two of Us
Our monthly profile of lesbian couples
who live, love and work together.
Out in Front
Scene
Relationship Advice
Lesbian sex guru Diana Cage shows
us how to make the most out of lovemaking.
Plus, 25 steamy tips for mind-blowing sex.
Letters
Editor's Letter
APRIL2012
28
Politics
Does the desire for a traditional family
conflict with our lesbian identities?
By Victoria A. Brownworth
Lesbofile
Lipstick & Dipstick
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Push Girls, inspires us.
Curvatures
Personalized one-of-a-kind wedding
bands and edgy, blingy baubles by a
lesbian fine jeweler.
Laugh Track
Funny lady Margaret Cho gets
serious about marriage equality
and the importance of family.
Film: Tiphany Adams, the lesbian star of
70
Music: The fabulous Fay Wolf on music,
race and kickstarting her career.
72
74
Tech: Helpful gadgets for moms and tots.
Food: We veg-out with Elllen and Portia's
personal chef. And how to pick wine on a dime.
76
Books: Vampires and fantasy for young
adults plus non-fiction tales of motherhood.
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Win ~~~cation with Olivia
!
Enter for a Chance to WIN a
Trip for Two on Olivia's 40th
Anniversary Cruise
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Get ready for the vacation of a lifetime
on one of the world's largest lesbian
cruises! Olivia is talking two cruise ships,
4,200 lesbians, over 20 entertainers,
and three great ports: Aruba, Curacao
and a private island in the Bahamas.
Olivia Travel's 40th Anniversary
Southern Caribbean Cruises set sail
Jan. 27-Feb. 3, 20·13 and Feb. 3-·10,
2013 from Ft. Lauderdale, Fla. One
lucky curve reader (and her guest) will
travel in style on the Feb. 3-10, 2013
voyage. The entire ship will be filled with
lesbians-that's 2,100 new friends-so
you can be out and free. You'll enjoy
comics, musicians, DJs, theme parties,
incredible excursions like swimming
with dolphins and ATV rides, a singles'
program, a commitment ceremony
and much more. "This is the biggest
celebration Olivia has produced to
date. It will be a giant reunion, entertainment extravaganza and tropical
vacation all rolled into one," remarked
Tisha Floratos, Olivia's Vice President of
Travel. Visit olivia.com/curvecontest
for details and your chance to win; if
your name is drawn, you and your guest
will hop onboard Holland America's
luxurious Nieuw Amsterdam for this
dream vacation.
~
-
Jenny Hits the High Seas
Want to know what cruising with Olivia
is really like? Read author and cruising
expert Jenny Block's seven-day blog on
Olivia's Western Caribbean cruise.
More Puppy Love
If, like us, your heart swelled to three
times its size looking at the gorgeous,
adorable photos by Kira Stackhouse on
page 45, well then good news, we've
got more of our heartwarming chat with
the premier pooch photographer at
curvemag.com.
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I5
LETTERS
Heather Matarazzo
Sandra Bernhard
Chaz Bono
Close Encounter
From Curve's
Facebook Wall
Thank you so much for the Glenn Close
issue [Vol. 22#1]. I have been a long time
reader of curve and I took this issue with
me on vacation. It was by far the best I have
read yet. I loved the cover story and also the
fashion spreads. I found the whole issue to be
rich and interesting.
-Susan E., Old Saybrook, Conn.
~
McCarville
breaks
silen
High Praise
What a refreshing read! I love that "Heart
and Soul" [Vol. 22#1] got included in the
January issue. Spirituality is something
that is, sadly, often overlooked. As an out
lesbian who has a (painfully) conservative
religious background, it has been a hard
thing to reconcile my beliefs and my love of
the ladies. Mandy Wilson's article is won~
derful in that it addresses these issues and
offers resources to help lesbians find a way
to keep Christ in their lives. This article
made my day.
-Sarah S., Pigeon Forge,Tenn.
How important is it
Po 11that
your girlfriend
loves your pet?
important.
57% Very
Mustlovedogs
important,
22% Somewhat
butit's nota dealbreaker
cares?
11% Who
I'm allergic
as obsessed
with
10% Ifmyshecatisn't
as I am,it's off
According
to a curvemag.com
poll
Couldn'tcontainmy excitementwhen
I sawTegan& Sarain my mailbox.
Thankscurve! -Heidi Jean
Toohot.I melt!-Tina Huang
Extremelyhot!!!thesegirls rock!!!
Wed-Locked
I imagine that you'll receive quite a bit of slack
for January's "Tying the Knot or a Noose:"'
[Vol 22#1]. I just wanted to say bravo to
Victoria Brownworth for truly telling it like
it is. In my 12 years of reading curve, I don't
think a more honest phrase than "We need
to grow up for marriage" has been written.
-Jennifer M., Northampton, Mass.
While I appreciate Ms. Brownworth's attempt
to open readers' minds about some of the
lesser~known ramifications of lesbians becom~
ing legally married, I find that she made a
number of gross ( and wrong) assumptions.
What bothered me the most, though, was
that the author has obviously been involved,
by her own admission, in a string of monoga~
mous relationships. She assumes that there
is more stigma attached to a divorcee label
than there is to a failed 12~year partnership.
I, however, applaud the lesbians who under~
stand that being their partner's next of kin,
gaining inheritance rights and property
rights (not to mention rights to their children)
are not matters that should belong exclusively
to heterosexuals.
-Janelle Greene, Pittsburgh, Penn.
Speaking Up
I love your magazine. I am currently incarcer~
ated and a friend of mine handed me curve
to read. I found your articles in~depth and
intriguing. There are many lesbians in prison
and I believe they can benefit from reading
some of the articles printed in curve. It
would be nice to let them know that there's
-CavShaz
Bestideaever/overdue.
13yearsin
the industry,theydeserveit andmore.
w• T&S-Kaitlyn Lamm
I reallylovedJill Sloane-Goldstein's
articleon buildingmuscle.I recently
startedworkingout,andthe article
reallyencouraged
meto keepgoing!I
appreciateherfitnessandworkouttips!
ThanksJill!!!:) -Sarah Gray
I'd liketo commendyouonyour
pieceaboutopenrelationships.
It
wasrefreshinglynon-judgmental.
The
assumption
that queerladiesareserial
monogamists
is sotiresome;it's about
time we wererecognized
asjust as
diverseas everyothergroup!
-Deb Jannerson
LJLike
a whole community of lesbians who are doing
positive things and overcoming obstacles.
Thank you for being our voice.
-Tammy, Texas
Welcome Aboard
I am a male to female in transition transsexual.
I have been living full time as a woman for
13 great months now. I am also a lesbian still
in the closet and I would like to come out to
your readers. I accept who I am.
-Gina Marie Frederickson,Logan, Utah
Correction:
The photographer for "The Strength
Within" [Vol. 22#2] is Elvina Beck.
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CONTRIBUTORS
AllisonSteinbergreserves a special place in her heart for
her home base in New York City, but there's no dot on
the globe that she isn't willing to visit at least once. It's
serendipitous that she landed at JetBlue, where she is a
spokesperson and authors the company blog, BlueTales,
and enjoys her travel benefits to the fullest. Allison has
written for just about every LGBT media outlet (and
some mainstream ones, too) covering a broad range of
topics. Her passion for new experiences is topped only by
that for her partner, Tracy, and their adorable life together.
This month she tackles the touchy subject of long~term
lesbian love on page 40.
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KarenLoftus,
or Lofty as she is known on the Global Road,
got her initial jump into media and entertainment as an
award winning playwright and performer, a Tennessee
Williams Fellow and international comedian. She's per~
formed in the U.S., Europe, Asia and the Middle East
entertaining execs, the troops and theater savvy audiences
at clubs, concerts and theaters across the globe. Lofty still
travels the world and tells stories. She now puts on the
page what she once put on stage. With 50 countries and
60 media outlets under her belt, you can follow Lofty and
her global adventures @LAKarenLoftus. Read her adven~
tures on the Orient Express on page 62.
Whether traveling the world, working on movies or
is a
harvesting bananas in her back yard, KristinFlickinger
hard~working adventurer. After years as a lawyer, political
organizer and fundraiser, Kristin left a life in the suburbs
for Italy. Two years and five countries later, she settled in
Los Angeles where she works on film crews and explores
L.A:s spa scene. Being raised without queer role models
in the small town of Ketchum, Idaho inspired Kristin to
share her life in an open and honest manner. For more,
visit her blogs at midleap.com, where she shares her
adventures in love and life, and askthegay.com where she
answers questions about all aspects of life in the queer
community. Her travel piece on Portland is on page 58.
JanelleSorenson
is a writer first and a wannabe everything
else second. She juggles writing, filmmaking and raising
two beautiful lnstaDaughters with her partner in every~
thing, fellow curve writer Melany Joy Beck. Bring It 2
Peter, their first documentary is currently on the festival
circuit, and a behind the scenes rock 'n' roll tour documen~
tary is currently in production. Building a community
with fellow instant parents is important to Sorenson, and
an online community for experts and lnstaMoms alike is
in the works. Read her interview with celesbian lnstaMom
Tracy Ryerson on page 37.
April 2012
I7
EDITOR'S
NOTE
curve
THE BEST-SELLING
WHAT
Does it start the moment we lock eyes and decide we'd make a
great couple? Is it when we agree we both want children (we'll
work out where to get the sperm and who gets to be pregnantsomehow ). Or is it when you and she try to make divergent
biological pasts work under one roof: You have a kid from a
previous relationship and she does her best to be an lnstaMom.
Lesbian couples are not fully legally or socially sanctioned,
and yet here we are, making and raising babies together. How
exactly does that work when there is still so much that's not
approved-and
I'm not even talking about
straights policing us: I'm talking about our
own proscriptive lesbian selves.
I was quite appalled by the outbursts
from our community over a statement the
actor and LGBT activist Cynthia Nixon
made to the New York Times in January.
Nixon explained that for her, lesbianism
is a choice. "I understand that for many
people it's not, but for me it's a choice, and
you don't get to define my gayness for me:•
Lesbian Facebook nearly exploded. Nixon
backpedalled in the Advocate: "The technically precise term for my orientation is
bisexual. I believe bisexuality is not a choice,
it is a fact. What I have 'chosen' is to be in a
gay relationship. As I said in the Times and
will say again here, I do, however, believe
that most members of our communityas well as the majority of heterosexualscannot and do not choose the gender of the
persons with whom they seek to have intimate relationships
because, unlike me, they are only attracted to one sex:•
I'm not sure it was necessary for her to clarify her statement,
and the pressure to smooth out her words seems to me to strike
a blow against diversity. Isn't it more powerful that Nixon could
be with a man, but choosesto be with a woman? Why is "preference'' a dirty word? Nixon and her partner, Christine Marinoni
(a butch who prefers men's cowboy boots over women's-oops,
there's that word again-and who choseto give birth to Nixon's
and her son-another
act of will) make a delightful lesbian
family, and a blended one too: They are raising two children
from Nixon's previous heterosexual relationship (not a marriage)
and are planning to get married to each other.
One thing is very dear to me: Let's embrace lesbian families
wherever they come from and whatever form they take.
Family
Values
~~
Merryn J
s
Editor-inief
merryn@curvemag.com
s I curve
LESBIAN
MAGAZINE
IS A LESBIAN
FAMILY?
When does it begin/
APRIL 2012
I VOLUME 22 NUMBER 3
Publisher Silke Bader
Founding Publisher Frances Stevens
EDITORIAL
Editor in Chief Merryn Johns
Managing Editor Rachel Shatto
Associate Editor Jillian Eugenios
Book Review Editor Rachel Pepper
Contributing Editors Victoria A. Brownworth, Gina Daggett,
Sheryl Kay, Stephanie Schroeder, Constance Parten
Copy Editor Katherine Wright
Editorial Assistants Emelina Minero, Rosanna Rios Spicer
OPERATIONS
Director of Operations Laura McConnell
ADVERTISING
National Sales
Rivendell Media (908)232-2021, info@rivendellmedia.com
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Kristin R. Thomas (704)837-0171, kristin@curvemag.com
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West Coast & Midwest Sales
Deidre Saddoris (303)242-5479, deidre@curvemag.com
Business Development
Sallyanne Monti (510) 545-4986, sallyanne@curvemag.com
ART/PRODUCTION
Art Director Stefanie Liang
Production Artist Kelly Nuti
CONTRIBUTING
WRITERS
Kathy Beige, Kelsy Chauvin, Lyndsey D'Arcangelo, Maria De La
0, Jill Goldstein, Lisa Gunther, Melany Joy Beck, Kristin Flickinger,
Gillian Kendall, Charlene Lichtenstein, Karen Loftus, Sassafras
Lowrey, Ariel Messman-Rucker, Constance Parten, Laurie K.
Schenden, Stephanie Schroeder, Lori Selke, Kristin Smith, Janelle
Sorenson, Allison Steinberg, Dave Steinfeld, Edie Stull, Yana
Tallon-Hicks, Tina Vasquez, Jocelyn Voo
CONTRIBUTING
ILLUSTRATORS
& PHOTOGRAPHERS
Erica Beckman, Meagan Cignoli, JD Disalvatore, Sophia Hantzes,
Syd London, Cheryl Mazak, Maggie Parker, Constance Parten,
Leslie Van Stelten, Katherine Streeter, Kina Williams
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Digital Edition Subscriptions zinio.com/digital.curvemag
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Volume 22 Issue 3 Curve (ISSN 1087-867X) is published monthly (except for bimonthly
January/February and July/August) by Avalon Media, LLC, PO Box 467, New York NY
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Contents of Curve Magazine may not be reproduced in any manner, either whole or in part,
without written permission from the publisher. Publication of the name or photograph of any
persons or organizations appearing, advertising or listing in Curve may not be taken as an
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Domestic partners have unique investment planning needs and challenges. You've worked hard to
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Singer-songwriter,
teacher, wife, mom
and all-round
community builder,
Julie Durden, is
spreading selfacceptance and
love through her
music and to
her students.
Imagine You & Me
Shouldn't there be a wedding ring that goes beyond the glam
and glitz, perhaps something unique and non-traditional
that helps in queering this most-traditional of traditions:'
Now there is, thanks to Patrick Laing's You & Me wedding
and eternity rings. These one-of-a-kind rings are the perfect
option for lesbian romantics, because both brides-to-be
become an integral part of their creation by lending their
imprints to the inside of their partner's wedding band.
Here's how it works: a casting of your partner's ring finger
(and vice-versa) is taken and used to mold your ring, so that
the interior of the finished band features an impression of
your partner's finger-which will encircle your finger for as
long as you wear the ring.
These singular bands are available in a variety of precious
metals (including gold, silver or platinum) as well as in a
variety of finishes and widths, which means your ring-like
your partner-can
be your perfect match.
While Laing is located in London, you needn't hop the
pond in order to have the cast done. Instead, request for
a specially designed impression kit to be mailed to you, so
you and your lady can make the casts together at home.
How romantic is that? (patricklaing.com) [EmelinaMinero]
Dream cast:
Creating the
impression
(left) and the
final product
April 2012
I 11
CURVATURES
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Industrial Design
Lesbian-owned Lyon Fine Jewelry supports equal rights in style. By Emelina Minero
So, you've found that special someone, and you've decided to pop
the question-now comes the tricky part: the ring! You can certainly
go the traditional route with a diamond solitaire set in gold but
if non~traditional, high fashion with plenty of edge is more your
speed then Lyon Fine Jewelry is just what you've been waiting for.
We deserve jewelry that matches our style, flair and commitment
to love and fortunately, Lauren Russell, the lesbian owner behind
Lyon Fine Jewelry has created just that.
Russell isn't just breaking the mold with her designs-she's also
using her jewelry to help lift the ban on gay marriage by launch~
ing her Equality Bracelet collection. Proceeds from the Equality
Bracelets go to Friendfactor, an organization that helps rally straight
allies and that helped pass the New York marriage law.
'J\ny gay person can rally for gay rights and it's like, Yeah, great,
gay rights for yourself, but if you get straight people involved, it
means something more. (It's] coming from someone else. (There
are] other people supporting it. That was something I wanted to
be a part of;' says Russell.
Although Russell receives many custom orders for wedding
and engagement rings, she also designs rings for every occasion, as
well as earrings, necklaces, bracelets and cuffiinks. A client favorite
is the La Nouvelle~Orleans ring, which has a chain draped over
hand~carved black jade with a rock 'n' roll chain band.
Russell's first collection was inspired by the street culture of
New York City. "I'd be walking around looking at graffiti and art
and what people were wearing," says Russell. "I try to make every~
thing really edgy and wearable, but at the same time really high~end
and classy and kind of a mix of both worlds:'
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1. Bedford bracelet
2. Sainte Helene ring
3. Provinciales ring
4. Bron-Yr-Aur necklace
5. Valencia ring, Thera ring
6. Hillerod ring
7. La Nouvelle-Orleans
8. Chamonix cufflinks
9. Mauritius earrings
10. Bowie ring
Russell's talent for creating wearable art that complements
both formal and casual attire has made her designs popular with
fashion~forward lesbians and celebrities including Sarah Michelle
Gellar and Nicole Ari Parker.
Her upcoming collection has a more unisex focus. "It's going to
stay industrial, even more modern industrial. I really want to create
pieces that you don't see anywhere and that you look at and say,
Wow, that's a piece of art:'
Whether you are looking for the perfect ring for your fiancee
or just want to bling up your own collection, you can't do better
than Russell's sophisticated and subversive take on fine jewelry.
(lyonfinejewelry.com)
■
CURVATURES
the rundown
The Fifth District Court of Appeal in Daytona
Beach,
Fla.handed down a decision
granting both lesbian (former) partners in an anonymous lesbian couple parental
rights to their daughter. This decision overturned an earlier ruling, which only
granted parental rights to the birth mother. The child was born via the donation of
an egg from one mother that was then carried and birthed
by the other. The case will now go to the FloridaSupreme
Court... TheLesbianHelplinerun by TheIndianCommunity
WelfareOrganisation
based in Chennai,
Indiais the nation's
first support line for lesbian women in the country and is
receiving on average more than one call a day from women
struggling with a variety of issues including arranged
marriage, suicidal feelings and harassment. In 2011 the
hotline received 400 calls, up from 150 the year before ...
MelissaGartnerand HeatherGartner,a married lesbian
couple in Iowa,sued the state after the Department of
Public Health refused to list both names on their daugh~
District
JudgeElizaOvrom
ter's birth certificate. PolkCounty
issued a ruling in favor of the couple relying on the state's Supreme Court
ruling on marriage equality for gay and lesbian couples in the state ... Two
men are standing trial for kidnapping, rape and hate crime enhancement of a
Calif.Police say the woman was gang raped by Humberto
lesbian in Richmond,
Salvador and Robert Ortiz on the street outside of her home, and then under
the stairs of her apartment complex where the men left her naked. A third man
Darrell Hodges pled guilty last month on charges connected to the crime ... Beit
Hasho'eva,
the last lesbian bar in TelAviv,Israel,has closed its doors after 14 years.
The bar, which had previously been known as the Minerva,burnt down, reopened
and was sold, reopening three years ago as Beit Hasho'eva. It was a gathering
Lowrey]
place and refuge for diverse groups of lesbians within the city. [Sassafras
The irony is three
levels deep on this
geektastic teeparodying the design
made popular by
nerd-kind for years.
Now it's finally getting
the gay treatment in
neon hues for homos
who howl at the moon
($20, dyketees.com)
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OUTINFRONT
Driving
Force
Education and service,
in the name of activism.
By Sheryl Kay
Stepping Up and Out
LeaGee-Tong
was only an eighth~grader when
she came out as queer to her family and
friends-and considers herself lucky that the
announcement was met with such love and
support. 'Tm the product of an accountant
and a sex educator;' says Gee~Tong, now 21.
"I grew up with gay family friends, and went
to progressive schools, and lived in a regional
area-the
Bay Area-that
mostly tolerates
and sometimes celebrates differences:'
But even in the gay~friendly Bay Area,
not all queer kids are as lucky as Gee~Tong.
She was also acquainted with several LGBT
youths who faced daily bullying at school and
were disowned by their parents. In response,
Gee~Tong decided to use her"privileged back~
ground" to further the movement.
Her activist career began in high school,
where she cofounded a Gay~Straight Alliance.
Three years later, she left for Stanford and
continued advocating for LGBT civil rights
as an officer in the activists' collective Stanford
Students for Queer Liberation and as a
coordinator of the Safe and Open Spaces at
Stanford project there.
Ever committed, Gee~Tong is now working
on the LGBT Health Stories Project through
the Stanford School of Medicine's LGBT
Medical Education Research Group, collecting
stories from patients about their positive and
negative experiences accessing health care.
She and her teammates hope to create edu~
cational materials, an anthology and a website
with these written and oral narratives from
LGBT patients.
"These stories are incredibly powerful,
and I hope they will be educational and help
motivate medical care professionals to aug~
ment their skills in order to provide excellent
care to their LGBT patients;' she says.
Although she does think that lesbians have
made great strides in achieving equal rights,
Gee~Tong says she is committed for the long
haul, because homophobia and transphobia
still exist in schools, religious communities,
neighborhoods and families. "Each of us can
do our share to create a safe space for other
queer women:'
Dynamic Dedication
AnatSalomonmight as well have been born
with a camera in her hand. From the time she
was a small child, and continuing through her
mandatory military service in Israel, either
a still or movie camera was always nearby.
Recalling her shyness in her early years she
says, "Having a twin sister made it a bit easier.
She dealt with all the social issues and I hid
behind a camera:'
The single lesbian mom wears several hats,
including that of producer for the Tel Aviv
International LGBT Film Festival, which
she has helped grow from 2,500 attendees
only three years ago, to more than 10,000
last year.
She also helps produce the Gay Parade in
Tel Aviv, a city that was recently named the
gay capital of the Middle East.
And in her "spare'' time, Salomon sits on
the board of the Aguda, the Israeli National
LGBT task force, hoping to influence more
women to take part in the community and
help advance lesbian issues.
"It feels like women don't get enough recog~
nition in what they do;' observes Salomon. "It
all stays behind the scenes and I have joined
in order to change that:'
As a long~time active member in the com~
munity, Salomon takes issue with some of
the recent press suggesting that Israel does
not have a thriving gay community, but
rather pretends it does in an effort to appear
liberal and accepting and thereby deflect
any criticism for its perceived treatment
of Palestinians who live within its borders.
Salomon believes that is completely errone~
ous: Homophobia exists in Israel as much
as it does all over the world, and the LGBT
community is working on recognition and
education on a daily basis there.
Israel, she says, is one of the leading
countries in advancing LGBT rights. For
Palestinians, she notes, acceptance is elusive
in their own communities, so they often flock
to activities in the Israeli LGBT community.
"There's no political agenda attached to
the fact that it is hard to be a gay Palestinian;'
she says. "I don't think that Israel is trying to
show off as cool and liberal in the media in
regards to the LGBT community. These are
two separate issues:' ■
April 2012
I 17
LAUGH
TRACK
All in the Family
Funny lady Margaret Cho gets serious about family. By Jillian Eugenics
For stand-up comic extraordinaire Margaret Cho, comedy runs
in the family. "My mom is so hilarious that I can't help but feel it;'
says Cho. "I don't really even write about her. She just says stuff
that I just steal off her:' Family is important to Cho and she's tightknit with her parents, hubby and pets. A doting mother to her two
gorgeous dogs, the Drop Dead Diva star sat down to talk about her
musical inspiration, family life and marriage equality.
OnyourChoDependent
touryoucombinedmusicandcomedy.Will
youcontinue
to dothatin futureprojects?
Right now I'm super focused on stand-up comedy and that's where
my heart is, but I love playing music. It's something that is a part of
my life and I guess even my music is stand-up comedy to me. It's
only part of what I do but I'm a comic so that's always first.
Arethereanymusicians
you'despecially
loveto collaborate
with?
I love so many people. I'd love to do something with Linda Perry;
we've discussed that and I think she's just phenomenal. I'd love
to do something with JD Samson. I would love to do more with
Kathy Griffin, more with Fiona Apple, more with Ani DiFranco,
more with Tegan and Sara ... these people that I listen to and love.
I'm just so lucky.
That'sa greatline-upof queermusicians.
Yeah, they're all friends and they're all people that I really admire.
Whoarethefurrymembers
of yourfamilythesedays?
I have two dogs, a Chihuahua- Pomeranian mix, she's sort of everything, and her name is Gudrun. And there's Bronwyn who is my
Australian Cattle Dog mix and she's just wonderful. The connection between people and animals is so important and something
that needs to be written about and talked about more. I love that I
get to sing ["Hey Big Dog"] for my dog [who passed away]. I think
all animal lovers can really relate to the tight communication that you have with your animals and the love
that we have for each other. It's really remarkable.
What'sthe inspiration
behindthosenames?
Gudrun is the name of a Nordic goddess. I wanted to
name her a very fierce, cute but strong name because
she was small when I got her and I wanted something
that was protective. Bronwyn is an old Welsh name
that I'm really fond 0£ I think it's a really great, pretty
name and she's brown so it works.
You'vebeenmarried1Oyears.Hasthe experience
been
differentthanwhatyouimagined?
It is and it isn't. I think it made me realize that marriage
equality is very important. It made me realize that
when people are married they become a family and
that's absolutely essential for everyone. The fact that
gays and lesbians are not allowed to get married is just
sickening. It's really like you're creating this idea that
we're not allowed to have families and that we're not
worthy of families and that is the most awful thing
that anybody could think or say or do. Marriage is
very important to me and I feel like it's something that
we need in the queer community, not necessarily as a
symbol of relationships but as a symbol of equality.
How will we make marriageequalityhappenin this
country?
I think it's going to happen. It's about really discussing it and that it's not about marriage, it's about
equality. It's not about religion or this expression of
hatred in legislation. It's about making sure that we
have democracy and constantly emphasizing that.
( margaretcho.com)■
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Bi-coastal Connections Cynthia Nixon wows on stage
while dot429 networks in the city by the bay.
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In New York a bald, brave and beautiful Cynthia
Nixon wowed the audience of the opening night performance of the Pulitzer Prize-winning Wit at the
Samuel J.Friedman Theatre on Jan. 26. Nixon stars
as Vivian Bearing, a brilliant but unforgiving English
professor suffering from ovarian cancer. Sharing
the applause with Nixon were playwright Margaret
Edson and Manhattan Theater Club artistic director
Lynne Meadow.
San Francisco-based dot429, aligned with Wells
Fargo, hosts monthly networking LGBT get-togethers in N.Y.C., L.A., San Francisco and Miami.
Similar to a queer Linkedln, but with the benefit of
being"live" as well as online, dot429 offers a premium
professional networking resource for the LGBT
community and monthly gatherings featuring guest
speakers, cocktails and conversation. On Jan. 12 at
the Harlot in San Francisco the featured speaker was
Matthias Hollwich, principal of New York-based
Hollwich Kushner and the co-founder of Architizer,
an architect networking site and the brain behind
BOOM, a $250 million retirement community for
LGBT seniors in Palm Springs.
The friendly and vibey environment, not to mention
free-flowing vodka cocktails, made connections
between the business-minded attendees easy, who
entered to win a staycation at San Francisco's Hotel
Nikko and two tickets to the Symphony. ■
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I 19
LESBOFILE
Myth Busting Celesbianrumorsare put to rest this month.
By Jocelyn Voo
Cherthe Love
It couldn't last forever-or
at least that's
what the National Enquirer reports. The
much-publicized support Cher lavished on
her new son Chaz through his gender reassignment journey would lead one to think
that their relationship is the gold standard
for parents and their LGBT kids. However,
looks like that may have been more fiction
than fact.
After Chaz Bono's split from his muchpublicized relationship with Jennifer Elia,
the Burlesque star allegedly let loose over
the holidays about her true feelings for Elia,
telling Chaz that he'd wasted his time on
her, ending, "You make me sick-I never
want to see you again!"
The source explains, "She's just never
been able to bring herself to love Chaz as
a man:'
Whether their situation is more fairy
tale or soap opera, is this where we cue
the lyrics to "Believe"r
LesbianMarriageOlympics
Looks like Rosie's trying to set a new record
with the old joke about lesbians getting
coupled too fast. O'Donnell met Michelle
Rounds in a Starbucks, proposed a few
months later, and now the talk show host
is broadcasting to the world that Rounds is
trying to get pregnant.
Looks like shopping for bridal gowns
will be coupled with maternity clothes.
20
I curve
TheRealDeal
Yes, Demi Moore is doing a one-woman
show impersonating Britney or Lindsay or
any number of rising young starlets whose
lives spiraled into a mess of drugs and
paparazzi. However, in between whip-its
and rehab pleas from her loved ones, Moore
didn't have an affair with Real Housewives
of Beverly Hills' Brandi Glanville. While
the National Enquirer reports that the
two had a fling in March 2009 at Moore's
ex-husband Bruce Willis' island retreat on
Turks & Caicos, Glanville, however, says
that these reports are "100 percent false:•
CaseClosed
Even though starlet Evan Rachel Wood
announced her bisexuality last year, the
Ides of March actor ( and former fiancee
of shock-rocker Marilyn Manson) denies
having requested an open marriage with
current fiance Jamie Bell, as the National
Enquirer reported. Wood took to Twitter
to set the record, um, straight: "FYI the
national enquirer makes me sick. I do
not have an open marriage. They can
take their lies and shove it. Sorry ladies."
back in January, she replied, "I don't know.
We got to get through a year first. It's been
eight months. We're going on nine:•
Jezebel breaks down the numbers for us:
the twosome were spotted holding hands
in November last year, three months after
the Talk host broke up with Allison Adler,
her partner for nine years and mother of
her two kids. We're no rocket scientists,
but we'd say that kind of math adds up to
homewrecker.
Then again, all's fair in lezzie love and
war, right? ■
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Loveby Numbers
Even if math wasn't your forte in school,
bear with us-it's worth it.
So music legend Linda Perry scooped
up actor Sara Gilbert not too long ago, and
when commenting on the pair's longevity
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April 2012
I 21
Closet Love Conundrum How have you managed to hold on to your sanity,
let alone your love, all these years? By Lipstick and Dipstick
Dear Lipstick and Dipstick: I've been in a relationship with a female for 13 years.
Dipstick:Right on, Lipstick!
And I've got news for you,
Wonderful-you
may think
some serious things now. Will I go to heaven? Will I ever have kids? Am I going
you've been hiding it from
to live the rest of my life feeling even more depressed about the life that I've
family and friends, but they all
know.Trust us on this one. And
created for myself? My girlfriend knows absolutely nothing about the way I've
even though you think you're
been feeling. I don't want to burden her, if this is just a phase. I am 31 years
protecting her, your girlfriend
old and she is 29. We have a wonderful life together, but for several months I
feels you pulling away, too, so
have been fighting with myself internally. I have no one to talk to because no
you need to fill her in. Since
part of this is a religious issue,
one knows about our relationship, and this includes my family, my coworkers
find a supportive person to talk
and my friends. I have never felt comfortable saying I'm in a relationship with a
to at a gay-friendly church and
girl. It bothers me to even say it out loud and I don't know why. I love her and
pray for clarity. You're wasting
would do anything for her! I can't talk to anyone, nor have I ever considered
so much energy by living in the
closet, making up lies and hideven asking for advice until today. -Wonderful, but Wondering
ing your true self, that you've
probably lost touch with the
real you. No wonder you don't
Lipstick:Thirteen years in the closet and be the best thing you've done in your 31 know what you want anymore.
neither of you are in a straight jacket?
years. We promise.
Congratulations, you've won a trophy for
Confront this head-on and come back DearLipstickandDipstick:
I am newlyout.I
the longest closeted relationship. How
to us if you need more help, off the page. meta womanonlinewhoseemedreallyinterhave you managed to hold on to your sanested.We'dbeenemailingbackandforthfor
We're here for you.
ity, let alone your love, all these years? The
closet typically kills both rather quickly.
I'm speaking the gospel here, Wonderer,
so listen carefully: The reason you're feeling this way is you have
major unresolved issues
around your sexuality.
This is the root of your
unhappiness and anxiety.
You need to go see an
LGBT-friendly therapist
right away and tease this
out. Facing and processing your fear is the only
way to exorcise the shame
and all the other negative emotions you have
around who you are.
Once you go from selfloathing to acceptance, it
will change everything for the better-within
yourself and in your relationships. It will
I love her with all my heart and cannot see living without her, but I'm questioning
22
I curve
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Lipstick & Dipstick ADVICE
weeks,but thenall of a suddenshesent
mea "DearJane"notewitha linktoa websiteonhowto makemoney.
Therewasonly
onelineintheemailandit said,"I'vefinally
reachedthe top. Goodbye."
I was blindsided.Therewas no mentionof incomein
ouremails,so thisone-linegoodbye
note
totallythrewmeoff.Whatkindof goodbye
wasthat?-NonplussedNewbie
Dipstick:
OMG, Newbie. You just crack
me up. Get in touch with the gal. I'm sure
her email was hacked by spam. Lipstick,
have you ever heard of such a thing? A
spambot breaking up a lesbian couple?
Lipstick:No, Dip, I haven't, but an email
my girlfriend sent me last week nearly
broke us up. She told me my penis had
some sort of dysfunction, so I should
try Viagra. Then, to make matters even
worse, she tried to sell me a Rolex at
a 60 percent discount! Newbie, Dip's
right. Sounds like you've been punked
by junkmaiL
DearLipstick
andDipstick:
I'vebeendating
a womanfor threeweeks.We are in our
late 3Os.We'vebeenseeingeach other
abouttwice a week and alwayshavea
greattime.At the end of the dates,she
seemseagerto see me again,andwe've
oftenplannedthe nextdate righton the
spot.OnethingI am worriedaboutis that
betweendatessheoftentakesa coupleof
daysto answermy emails(we bothhate
the phone).Waitingfor herto answermy
emailsisstressing
meout!Between
dates,
I startto wonderwhethershe'schanged
her mindaboutlikingme. It almostcancelsoutthe thrill I feel at finallymeeting
someone
I'mattractedto andenjoyspending time with. Howfrequentlyshouldwe
be emailing?Or,howcan I kill the stress
andjust enjoythe ride?-Tongue-tiedin
TinselTown
Lipstick:If I'm being honest-and
this
may well make things worse for you-I
don't think this woman is super~inter~
ested. Why? This totally goes against the
dyke dating grain, which typically mani~
fests into mutual obsession. Normally,
you'd be emailing each other back and
forth 10 times a day. That doesn't mean
she won't get to the point where she
sprints to her computer to see if you've
written (as I'm certain you do), but
it does mean that right now there's an
imbalance. Prepare your heart, cool your
jets, and take this piece of advice: Try
getting this obsession under control by
distracting yoursel£ Try meditating five
minutes a day, working out to get healthy,
and turning your tunnel vision backinward.
Set some boundaries around how you're
allowing yourself to act and feel, too.
Whether you know it or not, feeling
and behaving this way are choices you're
making. Refocus on yourself and things
should get back into balance.
Dipstick:Puh~leese, Lipstick. It sounds
to me like her lady friend is behaving in
a manner that's completely appropriate
for two adult women who have gone on
only a few dates. Dykes don't need to
obsess to show interest. And they don't
need to meditate to be in balance either.
Being insecure at the beginning of a
relationship is normal.
Tongue~tied, just relax. Maybe this
woman hates email as much as she hates
the phone and doesn't have the time or
the inclination to check it compulsively.
Either way, here is a simple solution:
Do not email her between dates. Make
your plans with her and then wait to see
her again in person. If you need to con~
firm, do so by text. When you're with
her, try to stay in the moment and enjoy
the connection. When you're apart, try
to stay in the moment and not obsess
about her. It will work out or it won'tdriving yourself crazy isn't going to
help. ■
Tune in to curvemag.com/
lipstickanddipstick
to watch
The Lipstick& Dipstick
Show.Or writeto tv@
lipstickdipstick.com.
ADVICESex
The Pleasure Principle
Hot Sex 101 is at your fingertips,
no matter how you identify. By Yana Tallon-Hicks
There's a reason why Diana Cage's
new book isn't called Mind-Blowing
Lesbian Sex. With her name on the
cover, however, you might think it
should be. Since she's a former editor
of the legendary lesbian sex magazine On Our Backs, and the author
of essential lesbian reads such as Girl
or 'they're bored going
down on me for 20 minutes: There are millions
of messages in your head
preventing you from paying attention to what's
actually going on. We
need to quiet the negative
messages and realize that
Meets Girl: A Dating Survival Guide
they're not useful and not
and Box Lunch: The Laypersons
doing us anyfavors:'Instead, Cage
Guide to Cunnilingus,it only makes
sense that Cage's latest book would be
urges us to "cultivate a sexy conabout sex for girl-loving girls. Instead,
sciousness;' which she describes
this famously one-step-ahead sexas "getting into our [own] heads
pert says that for all "female-bodied
in a sexual way" by giving ourpeople'' solving the problem of sexual
selves permission to figure out
desire begins by taking sexual and
what we find sexy, to embrace our
own eroticism, and to find out
gender identity out of the equation
what really turns us on. Without
altogether.
this kind of sexual mental clarDuring the three years that The
Diana CageShowaired on Sirius XM,
ity, Cage says, sex becomes all
Cage, already well into her career as an
about the body, and therefore
expert on lesbian sexuality, came to a
less interesting. Without mental
new realization. "Previously;' she says,
stimulus and eroticism, "you may
"I had always traveled in an urban
as well be brushing your hair;'
lesbian world-my
dating pool was
she laughs.
"When I read other sex books;'
always urban and lesbian. Suddenly
she says, "there's advice to 'culti[on the radio show], I'm talking to
vate your inner sex kitten: This
all kinds of lesbians-those
from
"Having good sex isn't about who
thinking is reductive. Good sex is
the Midwest, truckers-all kinds of
different people. And what I realyou're having sex with. You are the not about finding the cliche, but
is about getting in your head and
ized is that what we wanted from
key to having good sex. If you're a figuring out what actually makes
sex and didn't know about sex was
the same:•
female-bodied person, you have the you feel good and what makes you
crave somebody else. We, as people,
Whether you're lesbian-identified, transgender or cisgender, and same basic needs, regardless of the judge what we find hot. Not only
however your partners identify on
do you need to give yourself perkind of body your partner has."
mission to fantasize, but to also
the ever-blurring scale of modern
have an erotic experience:•
queer identities, if you're femaleWhile our physical commonalities may
When we get stuck in our sexual and
bodied, Cage says, your basic sexual needs
seem obvious to some, Cage reminds us
gender identities, we can also limit ourremain the same: 'Tm a dyke. The gender of
that sex, gender, sexuality, and identity are
selves to the types of sex, the fantasies,
my partner is hugely important to meso intertwined that we can actually forget
and the eroticism that we believe should
it's part of my culture and it's part of my
the importance of getting back to one of
properly be paired with those identitiesidentity. But, having good sex isn't about
the most crucial aspects of good sex-our
for example, all lesbians take turns having
who you're having sex with. You are the
key to having good sex. If you're a femaleminds. "You have to get your head in the
orgasms, all butch women are "stone;' trans
bodied person, you have the same basic
right place to even be able to feel the physical. guys never fantasize about X, Y or Z. To
needs, regardless of the kind of body your
We're so often distracted by work, by our
get these stereotypes and barriers out of
partner has:•
day, or by thoughts like Tm not attractive;
the way of our own "sexy consciousness;'
24
I curve
Cage asks us in the introduction to MindBlowing Sex: A Womans Guide to "forget
sexual orientation and sexual identity" and
return to a more self-focused kind of sexuality. 'Tm a femme lesbian who sleeps with
butch lesbians;' she says, "and my sexuality
is expressed in a way that is similar to
other women in butch/ femme relationships. However, my ability to enjoy sex and
my identity are not completely linked:'
From the beginning of female sexuality, she
25
Diana Cage's book is a wealth of hot hints on how to reignite or start
a superlative sex life. Here is a summary of some of our favorites:
2. Test-driveyour sexy.
Masturbatefrequently.
10. Makelists: things
youfind sexyin other
people;your hottestsexual
experiencesor memories.
4. Keepyour sexdrive alive
by engagingwith erotic
stimuli.There'snothing
wrongwith enjoyingerotica
and pornon yourterms.
11.Haveconversationsabout
sex regularly.Beawareof
the powerof words.
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12.Wearsomethingsexy.
Dressingfor sexcanturn on
bothyou and your lover.
16.Don'tbe shyaboutyour
body.Letyourloversee
younaked.
17.Touch,strokeand kiss
yourloverthe wayyouwould
like herto touchyou.
18.Takea bathtogether.
Washyourpartnerthoroughly,
payingspecialattentionto
the feel of herwet skin.
19. Use positive
reinforcementto
get what you want
during sex play.
13.Useflirting as foreplay.
Try glancingsuggestivelyat
your loverfrom acrossthe
table,then lookingaway.
20. Staypresent.Keep
yourmindfrom wandering
duringsex.
7. Behealthy.Thebestthing
you can do for yoursex life is
take goodcare of your body.
21.Thinkof orgasmsas a
14.If you are in a relationship likelywayto endsex,not a
necessaryone.
wherethe sex hasdropped
off, bring kissingback.
22. Considerexploringrole-
8. Exercisingcan helpyou
haveeasier,faster and
strongerorgasms.
15.Avoidcriticizingyour
partnerat all costs.It's a
sureway to ruin a sex life.
play,bondageanddiscipline,
dominanceandsubmission,
spanking.
6. Developan erotic fantasy
life and openyour mindto
new sexualexperience.
0
9. Stress killsyour
sex life.Make a pact
with yourselfto get off
the stress cycle.
3. Kill a dry spell. Buynew
toys.Thiswill get you
thinkingaboutsex.
5. Ditchyourjudgments
aboutyourselfand aboutthe
peoplearoundyou.
0
awry, and figure out what it looks like to
have a sexuality that's not tainted by all of
these outside messages: How can we be
sexual outside of a partner? What does
spontaneous desire really look like? Figure
out what you are, who you are, what you
want, and then add back everything else.
Once you have a better grasp on how to
find pleasure, then you can embrace your
identity with far more fervor than you ever
■
did before:' (dianacage.com)
Tips For Mind-Blowing Sex
1. Spendsomequality
time gettingto knowyour
genitals.
~
says, our sexual bodies have been categorized-MILF,
cougar, femme, butch. "So
much meaning is attached to our bodies
that there's barely any other expression of
who we are beyond our physical selves. The
female body is public domain. Our own
bodies are used to sell us things so often
that sometimes we forget we own them:'
In order to reach mind-blowing sex,
Cage says, "we need to go way back to the
beginning, where things just started to go
23. Three-waysare exciting.
Threepeoplecan do things
that two peoplecan't.
24. Sexpartiescan be loads
of fun. A sex party is a great
way to be sex-positiveand
expandyour network.
25. Explore your
sexualitywith
your lovers. In a
world full of shame
and ignorance,
being a sexually
happy woman is a
revolutionaryact.
~
Cl)
April 2012
I 25
THETWOOFUS
Ashley and Christin
LunaBella founders Ashley Kelly and Christin Brown on love and life in the beauty biz.
By Jillian Eugenics
seeing my lady upset and not happy so
I told her to quit her job in November
of 2008 and I said we're going to bring
LunaBella back. We're going to do it
and be big at it.
Why they work so well together
Christin:When we were in Arizona we
worked together at Starbucks. Ashley
was my supervisor and we did not get
along. That was horrible because we'd
be mad at each other at work and then
bring it home. With makeup and hair
it's different. I get to look across and
see her whenever she's doing makeup.
It's motivating.
Ashley:We get to work on the same
canvas at the same time and have a visual
of what the other person is going for
and we're able to create this magic
together. Whenever Christin is about
finished with her hairstyle she always
includes me in it and we fine~tune the
details, I give her my opinion and she
gives me hers, and we are able to have
this great dance.
How they met
Ashley:I was with someone but it was about to be over and
Christin walked into the Starbucks where I was working. I
looked at her and thought that if I could date someone else it
would be her. Two more visits in we really started flirting and
I gave her my phone number, broke up with my girlfriend and
two weeks later we moved in together. We've been together for
going on 10 years. We got married in 2008, just 28 days before it
became illegal in California.
Starting the business
Ashley:We started LunaBella in San Francisco and had it going
for six to eight months and then we decided to move to Arizona.
Christin wanted to pursue being a chef so she went to culinary
school and I went to business school. We both hated Arizona, but
she finished and got her AA in culinary. I moved to Santa Barbara
to pursue makeup artistry. Christin came to live with me in Santa
Barbara and I moved my way up the ladder at MAC. Christin was
working a corporate job and she hated it. I was just tired of
26
I curve
Keep an eye out for us because
we definitely plan on making a
bigger impact in our community
and being more in the forefront of
representing who we are, what
we are and what we can do.
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What's next for LunaBella
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Ashley:We're trying to create something that is made for lesbians
by a lesbian couple. That's just a little hint to keep an eye out for
us because we definitely plan on making a bigger impact in our
community and being more in the forefront of representing who
we are, what we are and what we can do. (lunabellamakeupart.com)■
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POLITICS
Questioning the Status Quo
Are our biological urges compatible with our lesbian identities? By Victoria A. Brownworth
Just because we can do something doesn't
mean we should.
As the alphabet salad of LGBTQQI non,
heterosexual sexuality gets mainstreamed,
our societal options seem to narrow rather
than expand. There's little room for variance:
We've codified the "straight looking, straight
acting" dictate of personal ads from years
gone by into an often,untenable reality for
ourselves as a queer community. Gone are
the extreme butches and nelly queens of
yesteryear. Those people are now pretending
to be either less masculine women or less
feminine men.
Marriage is now something we all can
strive for, and so is parenthood. But is that
the route we all should take?
About a third to a half of all adult lesbians
come to their lesbian lives from hetero,
sexual relationships. The majority of these
2s
I curve
previously married women have children.
Lesbian custody issues have been a concern
in our community for decades. One of the
first lesbian pulp novels, The Price of Salt,
by Patricia Highsmith (writing as Claire
Morgan) dealt in part with this problem:
How do we keep our children while also
being true to our lesbian lives?
Highsmith's novel was written half a
century ago. Surely, things have changed, or
have they?
Not really. If anything, the mainstream,
ing of queer sexuality has restricted our
community, forcing it into a heterosexual
paradigm that has little if anything to do
with us. Our queer leadership-such
as it
is-has intoned since Stonewall that we are
'Just like heterosexuals" until we have come
to believe it ourselves.
It's political heresy to question a status
quo that delivers lines like this, or the now,
endemic "it gets better;' even if we aren't like
heterosexuals at all-and it rarely gets bet,
ter unless you are a rich white guy to begin
with, because the bigotry of homophobia,
sexism and racism never goes away. Some
of us just learn to supersede it. But not
everyone. We may all be able to try to make
a better life for ourselves, but thinking that
just hitting 21 will change everything is,
well, crazy.
It is also a little nuts to think that all of us
are ready to be married, or parents, or both.
Just because we can breed doesn't mean we
should. How many of us grew up in perfect
families? How many of us think we are
ready to be better parents than our parents
were, while also being queer and also pre,
paring our children for life in a homophobic,
sexist culture?
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I do not have children. I did try going the
parenthood route, but I suffered two miscarriages and a stillbirth. An ex-partner and
I went through the adoption of a queer and
very psychologically messed up teenager,
despite the advice of social worker friends.
They were right-it went badly. In real life,
it's not easy to reverse the damage done by
families of origin-not
as easy as it is in
the movies. Neither of us has spoken to
our former adopted child in years. It was
as painful as the loss of the children I had
hoped to give birth to-maybe more so.
This isn't something I like to discuss, but
it's part of the story of lesbians having children-the
side we don't discuss, the part
where things don't work out. I did want a
child, or children, for a significant part of
my life. At times, I miss not having a child.
At other times, I am grateful that I don't
have that responsibility.
Yet responsibility is the operative word.
And just the way many lesbians bring a
U -Haul to the second date, many lesbians also
leap into having children together, without
appreciating the "lifetime commitment with
the co-parent" aspect of that decision.
Many of my lesbian friends and acquaintances have children. Yet I don't know
any lesbian couples whose relationship to
parenthood has been smooth, and I know a
regrettable number whose liveshave been torn
apart by parenting with the wrong person.
One thing to know, before you decide to have
a child with a lesbian partner, is that samesex marriage is legal in only six U.S. states, as
well as Washington, D.C., and adoption by
lesbians is legal in only 12 states.
The non-biological mother has no rights
to her partner's child unless they are legally
married, or she has legally adopted the child
of her partner, or both. This is perhaps the
most important fact of lesbian parenting,
because lesbian relationships break up.
And when they do there is often another
woman involved, and she may not want the
non-biological mom to see the child. Ever.
Think it won't happen to you? It happens
all the time. Custody battles between lesbians have become as regrettably common
as custody battles between lesbians and
their ex-husbands. The National Center for
Lesbian Rights (NCLR) has been taking
these cases on for two decades.
The reality is, the court system has not
caught up to 21st century families-where
there can be a birth father, a birth mother
and a nonbiological mother, or simply a
birth mother and a nonbiological mother.
Not to mention what might happen if a
biological mother dies and her family of
origin swoops in to take her child .
When children are part of a breakup,
How many of us
thinkwe are ready
to be better parents
than our parents
were, whilealso
being queer and
also preparingour
childrenfor lifein
a homophobic,
sexistculture?
division of property becomes quite a different issue from just deciding whose CDs
are whose.
We need to ask ourselves serious questions when we consider parenting, yet few
of us do-having a child is a deeply emotional thing. But if we don't look at the cold
hard facts as well as the emotions, we can
get caught in a lifetime of heartache.
Do you want to spend the rest of your
life (as opposed to the more common two
to six years of the average lesbian relationship) with another woman? Because if she
is the co-parent of your child, you will be
interacting with her and your child as long
as you all will live.
Is your partner responsible? It seems
like a simple question, and yet the rigors
of parenting demand real responsibility. If
something should happen to you-whether
it's as simple as being caught in traflic on
your way home from the office, or as devastating as a serious illness-can your partner
be responsible for your child?
Is your partner solvent, financially, and
sober, personally? Children are expensive.
In 2011, the cost of raising a child was close
to $250,000. That includes food, clothes,
shelter, medical expenses, education and
incidentals from birth to age 18. If your
partner is still thinking about getting that
"real" job and still likes to get high several
nights a week and drunk on weekends, she's
not parenting material, no matter how cute
she is or how good in bed.
How flexible is your partner? Children
are wild cards. If you are lucky, everything
goes smoothly, but that rarely happens.
Children are demanding, get sick constantly, require unfathomable amounts of
time, energy and love, and may not give
you back what you need. Will your partner
be able to stand up to the rigors of giving,
giving and giving?
Have you decided how you will get pregnant? Known donors mean a third party
is in the parenting mix, whether you think
he will be or not. Plus, in every state, a
man who is the biological father of a child
has rights to that child. Sperm donors are
unknowns, but at least they won't come
knocking to be co-parents.
How much money are you willing to pay
to get pregnant? Two close friends of mine
spent four years and thousands of dollars
getting pregnant. It nearly destroyed their
relationship. The ideal time to get pregnant
is when you're in your 20s. But in the 21st
century, almost no one is ready for motherhood and a lifetime commitment in her 20s.
Yet the longer you wait, the harder it will be
to get pregnant.
When the baby finally comes, it is not just
yours. It's hers, too. If you feel all proprietary
about your pregnancy and the eventual baby,
then co-parenting is not for you. Having a
baby is a romantic notion with terrifying
responsibilities and consequences attached.
If you aren't ready, then it will be a disaster
for you-and, more importantly, for your
child. Choose your co-parent wisely. It's
the most momentous decision you will ever
make. In the quest to be just like straight
people, we really need to be sure we aren't
making the queer version of the mistakes
they have made. Children-all
childrendeserve better. ■
April 2012
I 29
For most musicians, three years between albums is nothing unusual.
Indeed, in the 21st century, when artists (at least major artists)
mount lengthy tours to promote their latest release and record labels
squeeze as many singles and videos as they can out of a CD, three
years is almost expected. But Ani DiFranco isn't most musicians. For
two decades, she has released a new album nearly every year. So
the fact that DiFranco released her new studio disc, Which Side Are
You On?, after three years of relative silence, is noteworthy. And even
though most in the music industry would consider her a major artist,
DiFranco still records on her own label, Righteous Babe Records,
and is still playing by her own rules. In an age of pop-tarts and
cookie-cutter acts, she remains a true individual.
So what has DiFranco been up to in the three years since
Red Letter Year, her last studio effort:' Being a mom, for one
thing. DiFranco's daughter, Petah, recently turned 5. "The
parenting thing has put me onto normal human time, in
terms of my productivity;' she admits. "But thank goodness
for that change. I feel like if I was guilty of anything over
the years, it was putting records out too quickly. I had very
little will to perfect and scrutinize and develop things. I was
much more focused on being out there in the real world,
playing music for real people. So the fact that my daughter
has slowed me down has been great for my records:'
The new album features a dozen songs: 11 originals and
a radically reworked version of the title track, which was
popularized by the still~amazing Pete Seeger close to 50
years ago. Seeger actually joins DiFranco on her rendition
of the song. In addition, Which Side Are You On? features
appearances from singer~songwriter Anais Mitchell and
Louisiana's legendary Neville Brothers, too. Stylistically,
Which Side Are You On? isn't drastically different from past
albums. The songs are guitar~based, the melodies simple;
the words-not so simple-address a range of sociopolitical
subjects. In this age of Occupy movements, and with the
gap between the haves and the have~nots only widening,
the title track seems entirely
appropriate, even though it
was written long ago. "I hear
[the song] as a call to action;'
DiFranco states. 'i\nd society
seems to be rising to meet that call. The times, they are
a~changing. There's finally this spirit of activism (and]
involvement that is bubbling over. Realistically, we are still
recovering from Bush and Cheney-and
Reagan before
them. I start the opening verses of 'Which Side' with the
words '30 years of digging got us in this hole: We have to
counteract the fallacy that this economy has anything to do
with Obama! The deregulation, the tax situation, the abso~
lute rampage of the financial sector has been going on for
decades now-and this is the result:'
At a time when Ronald Reagan is often remembered as
an American hero, it's refreshing to hear DiFranco provide
us with a reality check. "(His presidency was] the begin~
ning of huge political problems;' she says. "Including a sort
of cult of celebrity. Like, an actor as president:' Really:' Is
there nothing to that job of any merit:' You just need a face
up front to make people feel good or turn them on, and
then behind the scenes you [can] have this takeover of the
government by corporations. It's awful:'
Elsewhere on Which Side Are You On?, DiFranco turns
her gaze to topics like the environment and (as is her tradi~
tion) feminism. The album is loaded with references to
women, to children and to animals. On 'i\mendment;'
Ap 12012
I31
thing;' she admits. "But of course not only is [it] unlikely
that a superhero is going to swoop down and save us, but
it's absolutely impossible if he is surrounded by people
who are unwilling to participate in the democratic process.
People have asked me a lot to comment on Obama. My will
is to keep shifting focus to the real disease in Washington,
or the main purveyors of this disease, which I think is a
Congress that is just riddled with corporate servants who
openly state that their only mission is to stop Obama and
anything he tries to do:'
But Difranco adds, "I think one of the most hopeful
things about Obama's election is how many people voted.
And it's not even an impressive amount, just a reasonable
amount. Usually, in the United States we have the lowest
voter participation of any developed nation:' The struggle to
retain some sort of optimism in challenging times is something else Difranco addresses on the new album. Witness
this passage from yet another track, called simply"J:'
You'd have thought we'd have come more far somehow
Since the changing of the guard and all,
I mean, dude could be FDR right now
And instead he's just shifting his weight.
... Don't let the poison get the best of me.
which is the second song from the last, she tackles the
idea of giving women the right to choose, once and for all.
'J\mendment" contains one of Dif ranco's best lines:
If men can kill and be decorated
Instead of blamed
Then a woman called upon to mother
Can choose to refrain.
Interestingly, in the midst of what is otherwise a very
political album, Difranco has included a couple of straightforward love songs, one of which is 'J\lbacore:' In a sense, it
stands out because of how understated it is-not to mention how personal. "I think if I'd have made this record
in a year, instead of three years, it would have been titled
J\lbacore;" she reveals. "That's one of my favorite songs of
this new group. It's very dear to me because it's sort of a
wedding song, a marriage song. When I set out making this
record, the heart of the record was love and commitmentand then as [it] evolved, a lot of other shit happened!"
Obviously, most of that "other shit" was not so much
personal as national-or
even global. When Obama was
elected president, Difranco (like many) thought he would
undo the horrors of the last eight years in short order. "I
had the na'ive idea that he would come in and fix every-
32
I curve
Not long after Petah was born, I asked Difranco how
she planned to instill a sense of optimism in her young
daughter, since the world was in such a precarious place. "I
think we're born with optimism;' she replied at the time.'J\
kid is happy unless otherwise instructed or bombarded or
affected. So I think it's the other way around, in that she is
instructing me in that area. Before she was born, I remember
having these sensations of, 'How can I bring a child into
this world of environmental doom and political crisis?' And
her response-without
words-is, 'What, are you kidding
mer This is a world of breezes and grass and sun and a cat!'
Suddenly, I have this very Zen perspective that accompanies me through her, and it makes all that insanity seem just
a little further away:'
Looking ahead to the remainder of 2012, Difranco
plans to spend a lot of this year on the road, supporting
Which Side Are You On? "[There will be] more touring than
in the last few years;' she confirms. "It's a good time to get
out there and get back to work. I've been sort of working as
little as possible for as long as possible, just to hang out with
my kid. So I think I'll get back to work in earnest [this year].
I think this is a good time for political activism, so I have
some things brewing in that department-in
association
with Occupy Washington, D.C., and other people. I was
just over in London last week, and I met a lot of amazing
people. It's so exciting to feel this energy brewing, not just in
the United States but all over the planet! It's a very hopeful
time, and I just want to be as energetic as I can and lend my
body and my voice to the cause:' (righteoushahe.com) ■
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BACK
TO SCHOOL
How to choose an LGBT-positive school for your child.
By Lisa A. Eramo
ll
"If children get messages from
the school community saying
[their] family isn't valued or
[their] family isn't welcomed,
then those children are going to
segment themselves and only
bring part of themselves to
school every day;' she says, adding that in such nonwelcoming
environments those students are
more likely to be judged and criticized.
Research supports this. Forty percent of students reported
that they had been verbally harassed in school because of
their LGBT family, according to the study Involved,Invisible,
Ignored: The Experiences of Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and
TransgenderParentsand Their Childrenin Our Nation's K-12
Schools.In this study, published in 2008 by the Gay, Lesbian
and Straight Education Network (GLSEN) in partnership with COLAGE and the Family Equality Council,
22 percent of students reported that a teacher, principal
or other staff member had discouraged them from talking
about their LGBT parents or family at school.
So how can LGBT parents choose a school wisely to
ensure that their children don't become one of these unfortunate statistics:'
s any parent knows, choosing a school for your child
is daunting at best. For LGBT parents, this important
decision is further complicated by the need to assess
whether the environment is LGBT-affirming, too. Will the
school accept and embrace my family? Will the school
ensure the safety of my child? These are just two of the
questions that LGBT parents need to ask.
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For JoAnn Halbig-Sanchez, 38, and her partner, Juanita
Halbig-Sanchez, 46, of Toledo, Ohio, acceptance and inclusion were prerequisites when they were searching for a school
for their two 5-year-old children.
"We expected nothing less than our kids being able to be
completely free about their family and having two moms;'
says JoAnn, adding that they know they've been "lucky to
have good experiences;' after having been out as a couple
since the onset of their search.
The reality, however, is that many LGBT parents continue
to face an uphill battle in schools nationwide, says Elizabeth J.
Meyer, PhD, the author of Gender,Bullying,and Harassment:
Strategiesto End Sexism and Homophobia in Schools.
"There are definitely some schools in some pockets that
have done some amazing things, but if we're talking nationwide, I think there are some serious gaps for (LGBT]
families and LGBT youth;' says Meyer, who is a professor of
education at California Polytechnic State University at San
Luis Obispo.
Those serious gaps can be harmful to both LGBT parents
and their children if they result in feelings of inferiority or
powerlessness, says Meyer.
'DOYOURffO~EWORK
Voice your questions and concerns while touring different
schools-something that not every LGBT parent is willing
or able to do, says Eliza Byard, PhD, the executive director
ofGLSEN.
"The vast majority of schools in the United States have not
April 2012
I 33
yet had an LGBT parent walk through their doors and say,
'Here I am, this is my family, how well are you prepared to
educate my child with the care and respect that every member
of every family deserves:"'' she says. Organizations such as
GLSEN, the Family Equality Council, and others may be
able to assist with this process.
At the elementary-school level, ask how teachers discuss
different family configurations, including same-sex families.
Do books in the library represent all types of families? Are
these books also available in the classroom? Although 89
percent of elementary-school teachers say that they include
representations of different families when the topic of families
comes up in their classrooms, only 21 percent of teachers
~tl'DWEST
Fll~ILYEQUIILlryCONFERENCE
The Family Equality Council is hosting the Midwest
Family EqualityConference,April 27-28. Now in its
17th year, this is the longest-running gathering
of the LGBT family community in the region. The
conference presents a full weekend of educational
and social events, and features activities and
sessions that allow LGBT families to learn more
about the topics that matter to them, to build on
their own community of support, to share their
stories to open hearts and minds, and to raise
their voices to create social justice.
(fam ilyeq ual ity.org/ conference)
34
I curve
report any representation of LGBT parents, according to
Playgrounds and Prejudice: Elementary School Climate in
the United States, a report published by GLSEN in 2012.
At the middle- and high-school levels, take a closer look
at the curriculum. School curriculums vary significantly in
terms of how they cover LGBT topics. Less than a third
of both parents and students reported that the school curriculum included representations of LGBT people, history
or events in the past school year, according to the 2008
GLSEN study.
LGBT topics-and particularly sexual orientation-are
typically included in a school's health curriculum, says Meyer.
"But it's not just a health issue. It's about identity and connections to community and culture;' she says.
California has recently taken a step toward a more inclusive discussion ofLGBT topics. The Fair, Accurate, Inclusive
and Respectful (FAIR) Education Act, SB48, ensures that
all students in California are taught about the contributions that LGBT people have made to society. The FAIR
Education Act requires schools to incorporate factual information about social movements, current events and a history
of LGBT people into existing social studies lessons. It
also prevents the State Board of Education from adopting
instructional materials that discriminate against them.
LGBT parents should inquire about how a school intends
to incorporate this information into classroom discussionseven if you live in a state where the dissemination of this
information isn't yet required by law, says Meyer.
LGBT parents should also consider talking directly with
a school's principal. "The personal beliefs and leadership style
of the principal have a huge impact on the climate and the
context of the school;' says Meyer.
One of the easiest ways to gauge a school's acceptance of
LGBT families is to inquire about whether a gay~straight
alliance (GSA) exists, says Andra Oshinsky, program events
associate for the Family Equality Council. "GSAs tend to
be a really good barometer for a certain level of safety and
acceptance within middle and high schools;' she says.
BRIIINSTO~ QUESTIONS
IN #l'l>V#INCE
When you visit a school, don't bombard staff members with
a laundry list of questions; rather, prioritize a list of must~
know information. Experts say these questions are crucial:
□ Doesthe schoolhavea nondiscrimination
policy
that includesperceived
or actualsexualorientation
and
genderidentity/expression?
D Doestheschoolhaveananti-bullying/anti-harass-
mentpolicythat includesperceived
or actualsexual
orientation
andgenderidentity/expression?
Thewebsite
glsen.orgprovidesa listof stateswithsafe-school
laws
designed
to reduceratesof bias-related
bullying,harassmentandviolencein K-12schools.However,
evenif a
statedoesnothavean anti-bullying/anti-harassment
policywrittenintolaw,individualschoolscanandshould
takethe necessary
stepsto improvethe schoolclimate
for studentsof LGBTfamilies,saysElizaByard.
D Doschoolformsspecify"parent/guardian"
rather
than"mother/father"?
□ Haveteachers
andotherstaffmembersreceived
trainingin anti-bullying
tactics?Havetheyreceived
trainingonfamilydiversitythat includesLGBTparents?
□ Areanyteachers
out?
□
Doesthe schooladdresstopicsof diversityin
general?If so,how?Doteachersdiscussdifferences
in ethnicity,religion,disability,sexualorientation
and
genderidentity/expression
on anongoingbasis?
□
Doestheschooladdresstopicsrelatedto genderin
general?
If so,how?"Research
hasshownthatpeople
whoholdmoretraditional,
stereotypical
understandings
of genderrolesaremorelikelyto behomophobic,"
says
Meyer."So,if theschooldealswithgenderequityand
diversityas partof theircurriculum
andas partof their
approach,
they'realsoprobablygoingto bemoreopento
beingopento LGBT-headed
families."
Howdoestheschooladdressissuesof gender
diversity?
Arethereanygender-nonconforming
children
in the school?Doestheschoolencourage
or support
gender-diverse
expressions
andplay?
□
''ICflllLLENGE
PIIRENTS
TOIISK
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IIN1>
TOflllVE
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CONVERSIITIONS
IIBOUTWflERE
TflERE!'IIYBE
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Inquire whether the school has any
LGBT families that you could speak
with about their experiences, says
Byard. If a school isn't aware of any
such families, or declines to assist you
in speaking with them, this may be a
red flag indicating a nonwelcoming
environment, she adds. Also, consider
connecting with one of a multitude of
LGBT parent groups nationwide.
Sometimes, simply listening-rather
than asking questions-can
be helpful, says JoAnn Halbig~
Sanchez, adding that she and her partner eliminated a school
after hearing a teacher make a covert reference to a differ~
ently ab led community. "If a person shows signs of prejudice
toward a group of people, chances are they have issues with
other diverse people and families;' she adds.
TfllNK BIG-PICTURE
"Often, parents choose schools that are inclusive and affirming
of LGBT people, but the child may or may not identify that
way, and may need a community that reflects their identity
too;' says Elizabeth Castellana, national program director
forCOLAGE.
For example, a teenage male of color who has been adopted
by white lesbian moms may want to go to a school where he
isn't an ethnic minority. These factors change in significance
as the child ages, and parents must constantly communicate
with their children, Castellana says-adding that the most
important question for LGBT parents to consider is whether
the environment is one that they want for themselves, as
parents, or one that their child needs.
"Hopefully, the answer can often be that it's both, as the
role of the parent in a child's academic life is invaluable;' she
says."I challenge parents, especially as their children get older
and more independent, to ask their children what they want,
and to have open and honest conversations about where
there may be differences:'
1>0N'TGIVEII P#ISS-F#IILGRll'l>E
LGBT families shouldn't necessarily reject a school if it
doesn't meet all their criteria in terms of being an affirmative,
positive place, says Oshinsky.
"LGBT families aren't one~dimensional;' she says. "There
are all of these other factors to consider ... and LGBT families
may have to choose a school that isn't perfect in terms of
LGBT affirmation. That's why the largest part of our focus is
how our families can help make these schools better:'
Most families, particularly those in rural areas, might not
even have a choice about where their children go to school, so
it's helpful to focus on strategies for how to make the school
work for you and your family, says Oshinsky. "More often
than not, our parents end up in the situation of having to
move the school forward, rather than having the luxury of
picking a school that's perfect to begin with;' she says. ■
April 2012
I 35
36
I curve
TheRealL Words
TracyRyersonshares
the storyof her
blendedfamily.
ByJanelle Sorenson
Sudden-OnsetParenthood
I was touring with a well-known, Sapphically inclined rock band when I first met my partner. I fell in love
with her beauty, charm and wit, all of which she has in abundance. It also happens that she has two
daughters. So, in a matter of months, I got a crash course in sudden-onset parenting. Life went from
late-night parties to early-morning diaper changes and parent-teacher conferences. I fell in love not only
with a girl, but with a whole new life. After a fruitless search for information on sudden-onset parenthood
and how to navigate a relationship that extends beyond the romance between two adults and into the
sometimes daunting role of new parent, I turned to the only other lnstaMom on my radar screen: Tracy
Ryerson, one of the stars of The Real L Word. With her help and the advice of two psychotherapists,
Katie Harrold, LMFT, and Connie Studer, LMFT, I am exploring this unique relationship and how to
healthily navigate the transition from single gal to instant parent.
Anyone who watched season one of the titillating Showtime
hit The Real L Word has caught a glimpse into the lives of
a group of lesbians living and loving in Los Angeles. In
contrast to Ilene Chaiken's firstborn, the glossy hit The L
Word, The Real L Word follows the day~to~day reality of
each character's life as she navigates her own challenges and
triumphs. A standout on the show is the striking Tracy
Ryerson. At the time the first season was shot, Ryerson was
a television exec, balancing a new romance, a strained rela~
tionship with her mother, and perhaps most importantly, a
new role in life. Not only did Ryerson fall in love with the
beautiful and talented Stamie Karakasidis, she became a
self~proclaimed InstaMom to Karakasidis' children, 4~year~
old twins Nikos and Dautry and 6~year~old Jagger.
Overnight, Ryerson became the poster girl for InstaMoms
everywhere. "You fall into this role where everything you
do is what a mom does;' says Ryerson from her home in
Los Angeles. 'Tm so protective of them, I would jump in
front of a car for them. It's interesting-it's
hard. Being an
InstaMom, I'm learning how to be a mom overnight,
without having given birth to them:'
According to Studer, this new role can come easily to some.
"Women nurture from a loving space. The best way to ease
the transition is to maintain a calm, secure, loving relationship
with your partner;' she says. On the other hand, the ex and
sometimes the children have a hard time accepting the new
partnership. "The person coming into the relationship can
be seen as the villain;' Studer continues. "This can happen if
April 2012
I 37
one parent is talking negatively about the other parent. It's
important to communicate clearly with your children, and
never speak badly about the other parents:'
Long after America watched the relationship between
Ryerson and Karakasidis unfold on television, the two
of them made the move to start living under one roof. "I
do the anti-lesbian thing. I would never think of moving
in, because of the kids;' says Ryerson. In fact, she waited
for the kids to ask her to move in. But before Ryerson got
the OK, they went to great, and often hilarious, lengths
to keep their overnights private. "When I would sleep over
and she had the kids, I would wake up and sneak out of
the house before they got up;' she says. "I would throw my
outside and he locked me out. He was waiting for my reaction-and
I thought it was funny! From that day on, he's
been my buddy:'
When children are involved, many things, from daily
schedules to grocery lists, change dramatically. With no
more late nights and no more mornings after, life takes a
turn for the calm, and an evening in with the family will
suddenly trump the wildest nights out. "My lifestyle has
completely changed, and for the better. It's more calming
and peaceful to me;' Ryerson says."My life changed the second
I turned 30. I became a mom overnight:'
Adding to the challenges of blending the family that will
live under the same roof is the continuing presence of the
TV programslikeTheBradyBunchintroducednotionsof instantfamily
and instantlove.Thesesimplistic
visionsof 'one big happyfamily'can be
hazardousto remarriagebecause theycan create unrealistically
high
expectations,resultinginfrustrationand disappointment.
coat over my pajamas and come up to the front door like
I was just getting there. It's not so much the waking up in
their mom's bed, but more so who is coming in and out of
the house, and them wondering who is going to stay. They
caught on to it, but they liked it when I was over. I let them
lead the way:'
Perhaps Ryerson's instinct to take it slow was the best
thing for this new and developing family. Katie Harrold
notes that it is important to keep expectations manageable
when you are actively working on blending families. "TV
programs like The Brady Bunch introduced notions of instant
family and instant love. These simplistic visions of 'one big
happy family' can be hazardous to remarriage because they
can create unrealistically high expectations, resulting in
frustration and disappointment;' Harrold says.
Being an instant parent is challenging in and of itsel£
and owing to a remarkable lack of available information, it
can often feel lonely. Many women wonder how much of a
role they should take in the children's lives, and Studer says
that it really depends on both the ages of the children and
the comfort level of all the adults involved. "The important
thing to remember is that it's not about you;' Studer says.
"It's about the attachment bonds that the children have.
It's children figuring out where they fit in the hierarchy of
the family:'
Ryerson took just that tack as she eased into her relationship with each of the Karakasidis kids. "It took a long
time to win Nikos over. He put me through the ringer;'
Ryerson says of the challenging task of gaining his trust.
"The way I realized I finally won him over was when I went
38
I curve
ex, who still plays the role of co-parent and can put pressure and stress on a new relationship. ''At first, it's best for
the new parent to express thoughts and concerns to her
partner, who will bring it to the other parent. Eventually,
it moves toward four parents sitting around the table, but,
depending on the situation, it's important to move slowly;'
Studer says.
"The biggest thing is, everybody is giving the same amount
of love, the same amount of money, even;' Ryerson reflects.
"I do consider them mine, but I do also know where I stand
in relationship to their other moms. The kids have four
moms now:'
Having four parents is becoming more common, and it's
not just a gay issue. In response to the massive amount
of attention she's received since she's come out as an
lnstaMom, and after seeing her straight friends facing
the same challenges, Ryerson is working on a book, The
EveryGirl's Guide to Being an InstaMom. "I started writing
it last year and have been working on it more and more.
Two of my friends and I would come together and they're
both dating guys with kids and now they're lnstaMoms
too;' says Ryerson. "You find yourself asking each other
what the best brand of diaper is. So many first-time-mom
questions, and in this instance you need to take into account
you're raising someone else's children. You make that decision
and you have to make it with someone else:'
It is no easy feat to reconcile the fact that the new parent
is often equally as involved in raising the children, but just as
often is not accorded the same parental rights and benefits as
the biological or adoptive parents. "The uncertain status of
any nonbiological, nonadoptive parents in a family can feel
like legal and social limbo, if they are rarely viewed as 'real'
or legitimate parents by outsiders or by the children. Yet in
reality, these instant parents assume many, if not all of, the
real parental obligations, and the lack of recognition by others in and outside the family can produce some feelings of
underappreciation, sadness, confusion and exclusion;' says
Harrold. If an instant parent is experiencing those feelings,
it is important to communicate them to her partner.
When asked if she wants a child of her own someday,
Ryerson wryly states, "I have a plan. It's always a funny conversation with Stamie, though. She's like, 'What? We have
three kids already! Add a fourth and we'll need a minivan:"
As it is in any relationship, finding a balance is a challenge when you add caring for children to an already busy
schedule that threatens to eat up any personal time. "We're
both so grateful for each other. People always ask how we
work, and part of me is like, I don't even want to know. I
don't even want to pick it apart. The biggest thing is, we're
both honest;' she says.
However unromantic, the secret to making a relationship strong for partners who are also parents is making
mandatory time for each other. Scheduling alone time,
and even making time for sex, is a major key to keeping
the intimacy alive in a busy partnership. "If you want to
see your partner, you have to say 'Sunday afternoon we're
having a date. Turn your cell phone off That's the biggest
hurdle to get through-to
make sure we're paying enough
attention to each other;' Ryerson says.
"You have to realize that taking care of yourself and
your relationship is really important to the kids as well.
However, I've spent so much time trying to seek a balance, I've learned that sometimes things are just going to
be imbalanced:'
When asked what she uniquely brings to the family,
Ryerson thinks for a moment before replying, "I bring a lot
to the family. I'm dating a comedian, and sometimes it feels
like I have four kids. I bring the structure. Having them do
the same thing every day, or laying out their clothes at the
end of the day, or having reward systems:•
For every lnstaFamily, including my own, the future
will look different. The important thing is to communicate,
and when in doubt, therapy can prove to be a positive solution for working through conflict. Every voice is valuable
and everyone deserves to be heard. These unique voices
make up the fabric of each wonderful family. Above all, it's
important to remember that at the end of the day it's all
about the kids. ■
~New
England
\JNEl~c
1
REPRODUCTIVE
SPECIALISTS
SINCE
1971
www.necryogenic.com
800-991-4999
April 2012
I 39
You head to the local girl bar on a Friday night (or dating site,
knitting class or wherever you go to meet girls) looking for
"the one:• Maybe you settle for the one,night stand or a three,
month pseudo,relationship, after which you realize that crazy
doesn't match your new spring coat. But in the back of your
mind lives the question "When will I meet hert
When will you find the one who rocks your world and is
everything you ever wanted and then some-the one who
makes dinners and babies and vacations and gray hair with
you for the rest of your lovely lesbian life?
This hope mounts every time you commit to someone
and start to plan for the future, and each time things don't
work out you question why you've chosen the wrong partner
and whether you'll ever find the right one. Beneath that hope
rests a deep uncertainty, a question we're often too afraid to
ask: What if there's no such person?
We live in a world where we no longer choose one job to
work at for our entire lives; on average, people change careers
three to five times during their lifetime, according to the U.S.
Department of Labor. Long,form news is out; we get our
glimpse of the world from sound bites, Tweets, CNN ticker
updates and Facebook posts. Is it possible that the same is
true of lovers? Are the days of searching for "the one" com,
pletely passer Are we wasting our time mourning the failed
relationships that didn't last "to death do us part;' when
maybe we should be celebrating the ones that last three to
five years?
Evenif you'vefound
her,istogetherforever
reallya good idea?
By Allison Steinberg
e
40
I curve
The history of coupledom offers some perspective on
our notions of commitment. Finding a partner has always
been tightly tied to the socioeconomic times, and now may
be simply unnecessary. Plato, that ancient Greek philoso,
pher, first introduced the "finding your other half" theory
in his Symposium, but was he just a hopeless romantic? The
Apostle Paul promoted marriage in early Christianity, laying
the groundwork for our modern heterosexual norms. (Some
scholars argue, however, that Paul's hyper,focus on setting
seed,spilling boundaries was an overcompensation for his
own fledging homosexuality.) Preindustrial families-until
mass production and factories replaced hands-were
busi,
ness units. Choosing a life partner and having children with
one spouse was a way of keeping money within a clearly
identifiable bloodline. (But forming a lifelong partnership
in agrarian society is today's equivalent of choosingjust one
bank for all your financial needs.) Fast,forward to post,
WWII. Women were encouraged to marry and stay at home,
causing unemployment levels to rise just when servicemen
were returning from the war. (In this instance, it was govern,
ment propaganda, not love, religion or philosophy, that led to
people marrying for life.)
What happened when the conservative half of the 20th
century gave way to new and different ways of thinking?
Divorce rates skyrocketed, more than doubling from the
1950s to the 1980s, according to the
CDC's National Center for Vital
Statistics. We might still feel the urge
to merge for life, but is that intrinsic or
just an expired hand,me,down notion
from times past? Does our current sit,
uation warrant a new way of looking
at partnership?
For the more than 700 lesbian couples
surveyed in 1988 by Partners Magazine
for Gay & Lesbian Couples and Out/
Look, two LGBT publications no longer
in existence, the average relationship
lasted five years. The majority of the
women surveyed also reported that
more than 40 percent of their previous
relationships had lasted between three
and five years.
In our own poll, at curvemag.com,
in which 725 women participated, the
majority of those surveyed reported
having had two or more serious rela,
tionships; several had as many as six
or seven, and a few had more than 10
in their lifetime. More than 85 percent
of those surveyed said they believed in
"finding the one;' though only about 50
percent reported that they had at one
point or another met"her" (fair to guess
that number is generous; who knows
how many girlfriends were peeking
over their lovers' shoulders when they
filled out the poll!). Though some said
they had relationships lasting a decade
or longer, more than two,thirds of
those who responded said their averagerela,
tionship lasted anywhere from one to
five years.
Megan Phelan, 29, from Denver,
Colo., says that her relationships have
lasted anywhere from two weeks to
two years. "I used to despise monog,
amy, believing it to be for old, ugly
people who'd given up:' As she's gotten
older, though, her belief in "the one" has
evolved. "Over time, I've been exposed
to a lot more loving, healthy, adult rela,
tionships and changed my tune. Either
that or I've gotten old and ugly. But I
know for sure I haven't given up:'
Housing trends are telling. Homes
with two master bedrooms are gaining in
popularity, marriage rates are down year
over year, and legal businesses more than
ever cater specifically to divorce services.
As if this news weren't depressing
enough, the American Association of
Retired Persons (AARP) recently cited
the fact that today more married couples
over the age of 50 are living separately
than in previous years. And while this
may be due in large part to financial
necessity, the article posited that these
couples are "finding that having their
own space and time to themselves can
be freeing:'
"It's an alluring fantasy to imagine
there is one special person for us;' says
therapist and continuing education
provider Lisa Maurel, who counsels on
issues of LGBT mental health. "While
our romantic culture often cultivates
this narrative, it's not a realistic approach
to creating partnership. Healthy and
enduring partnerships are cultivated
most successfully when adults are fully
able to embrace responsibility for their
own happiness and well,being, rather
than seeking to find happiness in 'the
one: When we approach a relation,
ship as two whole people, we have a
much better chance to create a com,
plimentary relationship in which both
can thrive:'
What are we searching for, then, in
trying to satisfy the insatiable urge for
that perfect someone? And are we fore,
ing ourselves to endure in relationships
that no longer function because we
somehow believe longevity equals sue,
cess? We could instead be expending
our energy on getting a better under,
standing of the world we now live in,
and enjoying the current abridged rela,
tionship paradigm. Is it sad that you'll
be bringing a different lover home for
Thanksgiving next year?
"I don't necessarily believe there is
one person out there for us. Different
people come into our lives at different
times to give us different things and to
help us grow in different ways;' says
curve advice columnist Kathy Belge,
aka Dipstick. "I think hoping for 'the
one' puts too much pressure on that
person and that relationship:'
To be fair to your current relation,
ship and to honor your past and future
ones, it's time to readjust your expecta,
tions and get with the times. ■
8192X!t98.US
ByMerrynJohns• Photosby AmandaWilliams
When Arrin Turnmire, 31, and Mary Robinett, 33, first met in a high
school algebra class, it was because Mary passed Arrin a note suggesting
that they should get together and "hang out:' At the time, neither of them
had any idea that this friendly gesture would blossom into love, business
and babies. Or perhaps Mary did: During soccer practice, she'd spied Arrin
watching the team from the sidelines. "I knew I wanted to be with her, and
she didn't even know my name!"
Today, Arrin, a high school art teacher, and Mary, a process server, live in
"a cozy brick ranch with a woodstove that burns all winter long, in the abso~
lute middle of nowhere;' says Arrin. The middle of nowhere happens to be
New Madison, Ohio, by the way, but their remote location didn't stop them
from pursuing their dreams, one of which was to have children together.
April 2012
I 43
Arrin says that after months of trying unsuccessfully to
conceive, she'd gotten tired of looking at negative results
and handed her latest pregnancy test to Mary to read.
"She looked at me with tears in her eyes and I knew it
was positive! We went to the doctor for an ultrasound,
and everyone said I looked really big for only being a few
months along, so I asked the doctor, J\re there two:" He
said, 'Give me a minute ... well, there are two in there!'
Mary dropped to her knees, white as a ghost, my mom
was crying tears of joy and so was Mary's mom, and I said,
'OK, we can do this!' Now we are the proud mommies of
2-year-old twin boys!"
The boys, Finn and Graham, keep their mommies on
their toes and enchant them with their antics. "Those
boys can light up a room, just like their mother!" says
Mary. They also provided the light bulb moment for their
mommies' clothing line, Little Figs. "We figured that life
is short, so why not do what you love while being with the
people that you love?" says Mary. (The name Little Figs
is a combination of the boys' names, Finn and Graham.)
The mission of the label is to make quality children's
clothing that is both unique and affordable. The one-ofa-kind designs are manufactured in the USA, and most
of the pieces are made of 100 percent organic cotton."We
care about the clothing being made here, we care about
the environment, which is why we use environmentally
friendly inks, and we care about the lesbian-designed
images we put on the one-pieces and T-shirts. We really
take pride in our designs and the whole process;' says Mary.
Among the challenges they met in establishing the
business-a sideline to their full-time jobs-was how to
harmoniously combine home and work under one roof,
which meant providing the boys with a safe place to play.
"It is actually a real perk to have a slide and a train table in
your studio-it really keeps the boys busy;' says Arrin.
For this couple, who are celebrating the 16th year of
their storybook love, Little Figs represents more than just
cute T-shirts for gaybies; it's a story of family, created and
chosen, and they're grateful to the lesbian friends who've
helped them along the way-offering
everything from
professional photography to the use of their precious
offspring as models.
'J\t the beginning of our relationship, we had to endure
very difficult circumstances to be together, just as many
of your readers have;' Arrin tells me. 'J\ll we ever wanted
to do was spend every second together, even if it meant
sneaking out in the middle of the night. After years of
soul-searching, random jobs and college educations, we
have settled into a simple yet very full life. We realize how
lucky we are to have our families and friends as our
■
biggest and best support system:' (little.figs.com)
44
I curve
100 percent organic cotton one-pieces, T-shirts, cardigans,
hats and bibs in lesbian-created designs and printed using
environmentally-friendly inks
Lesbian photographer
Kira Stackhouse on her
new book Project DOG.
By Rachel Shatto
If there's one thing
,
we know about lesbians, it's that they' re crazy about their
dogs. Don't believe it? Just check out your local dog park;
you can't throw a slobber-coated Frisbee without hitting a
Sapphic sister. So, it's little surprise that Kira Stackhouse,
the woman behind the lens of the extraordinary new
picture book Project DOG, is family.
46
I curve
tackhouse, a San Francisco photographer by
way of Pennsylvania, first discovered her love for pooch~
kind when she adopted her first dog in 2009-and
it was
love at first lick. "I got my first dog ... a bouncing baby boy
named Harley and I dove quickly into the 'dog world: It was
a world that I never knew existed, and a place where I was
so excited to be. I started volunteering and going to dog~
related events;' she recounts.
Along the way, she began meeting other volunteers,
many who were deeply involved in the animal rescue scene
and who gave the photographer grief about how Harley
came into her life. "Unfortunately, because Harley is from
a breeder, I was given the guilt trip by many people who
questioned my integrity since I did not choose to rescue.
The idea of having to defend myself and my dog while volun~
teering enraged me to the point where I was determined
to someday figure out a way to make people look at things
differently;' she says. It was this desire that was the impetus
behind Project DOG.
Stackhouse explains: "One day it hit me. I needed to not
only find all of the dog breeds, but I needed to find two
of each breed-a dog who came from a breeder, and a dog
who was rescued. This way, both dogs would be viewed on
equal ground, and in many cases, the rescued dog would
be purebred. When I realized the possible impact of what
I had just thought up, it made me cringe with fear and gave
me a sense of questionable doubt. [But] I knew my idea
was great:'
April 2012
I 47
While Stackhouse had confidence in her concept, finding
and photographing two of every breed was a formidable
task. So she did what any enterprising entrepreneur would
do today: she turned to social media for help. "ProjectDOG
wouldn't exist without social media. It was designed around
social media, which was the primary vehicle for its success;'
she says. "I launched the Project DOG Facebook and
Twitter accounts in July 2010 ... within a week I had more
than 500 supporters, and the numbers continued to grow. I
started campaigning for responsible dog ownership, asking
online users to submit their dog's photo and story for con~
sideration in the book. This became viral, and within eight
months, I received more than 4,000 submissions from dogs
all over the country and the world, including rescued dogs
that represented over 550 rescues and shelters in 44 U.S.
states and 12 countries. It was neat to have a community of
people supporting the project-and
me-throughout
this
whole journey:'
Despite all the challenges, which included tracking
down subjects, early morning photo shoots, plenty of dog
wrangling and delayed deadlines, the end result has been
48
I curve
incredibly satisfying for Stackhouse. "It has been especially
rewarding to know that, because of all of the wonderfully
positive stories, many readers are questioning their own
ideas of what it means to be a responsible dog owner and
what it means to be a rescued dog," she says. "One of the
goals of this book was to promote the idea of breed~specific
rescue, especially for those people who believe that rescue
dogs are all mutts, or that something is wrong with them.
I love hearing stories about people who, before seeing the
book, didn't know about breed rescue, and now they are
helping to spread the word:'
In addition to meeting wonderful people, Stackhouse
met several dogs that touched her on a personal level. "I
loved meeting dogs whose lives were truly transformed by
the people who rescued and adopted them. Coco the Saluki
is one of my favorites. Coco went from living an abused
life in the Middle East-she
even has a bullet wound in
her leg-to living it up in the Bay Area. She now lounges
around on her very own day bed ... rides around town in a
Bentley and snacks on fresh baguettes. What a life!"
While Project DOG may have begun when Stackhouse
w
(/)
:::J
0
I
~
u
~
(/)
<(
a:
S2
went from living an abused life in
the Middle East-she even has a bullet
wound in her leg-to
living it up in the Bay
Area. She now lounges around on her
very own day bed ... rides around town in
a Bentley and snacks on fresh baguettes.
Feelinginspiredby KiraStackhouse's
stunningpetportraits?
Thengetreadyto beextrasnap-happy
with herfour
photography
tipsfor takingyourpetphotosfromamateur
to amazing.
adopted Harley, her devotion to animals has been a lifelong
love affair. Growing up gay in a conservative community and
attending a conservative college (Stackhouse received a B.A. in
Art from Lafayette College) she found solace in her relation~
ships with her pets. "There wasn't really an active, open LGBT
community. I was one of less than five openly gay students in
my college, and found myself taking the bus into N.Y.C.
every weekend to hang out with gay people. At the time, I had
grown a small family of two cats-who I still have-a hamster
and a turtle, all living with me in my tiny studio apartment.
I couldn't have gotten through college without them. Besides
being complete morale boosters, they were and are my best
friends;' Stackhouse says.
This is a familiar story for many queer women who share a
deep bond with their furry family members. Stackhouse has a
theory on why lesbians love their pets so deeply and why they
make great owners: "I think one of the reasons in particular
why lesbians are notorious for having strong animal bonds is
due in part to the inherent nurturing nature of most women,
the idea of having unconditional love and the unwavering,
unquestionable loyalty that pets offer. (projectdog.net)■
1. Getonthesameeyelevelasthem.If youhaveto squat
down,bendoveror laycompletely
ontheground,do it.
2. Bringtreatsandprops.I broughttastytreatsanda little
squeaker
to everyphotoshoot,aswellasa spareretractable
leash,whichcouldbeeasilyhiddenif thedogneededto
stayon-leash.
3. Planahead.Manyof the shotsin the bookI hadenvisionedbeforeI hadthe photoshoot.I thoughtlongandhard
abouteachlocation,choosingbackgrounds
andlandmarks
specificfor eachdog.
4.Alwayslookat thecolorsof yourbackground.
Evenif the
buildingyou'restandingnearis far away,youwill still see
thecolorof it-or thestonewall,or the house,or garden.
Matchingcolorsto yoursubjectmatterwill alsohelpcreate
morevibrant,interesting
images.
April 2012
I 49
Pet& PeopleServices
PetSitting& ReikiPractitioner
DebbieMercyJean
Salem,Ore.
(petandpeop/eservices.com)
HotDiggity!DogWalking
+ PetSitting,Inc.
DogWalking& PetSitting
AprilSunrise
Denver,
Colo.,LasVegas,Nev.,
Portland,Ore.,Austin,Texas& Seattle
(hotdiggitypetsitting.com)
Highlighting a nation of lesbian
animal lovers, who turned
passion into profit.
By Emelina Minero
Lesbians are notorious
for being a friend to
animal nation, but some
lucky lezzie ladies
have turned their pet
passion into profession
by starting businesses
that allow them to work
alongside their furry
friends. We take a look
at some of the petrepreneurs who have
founded animal-friendly
companies-everything
from in-home pet care
to pet photography, and
even canine assisted
rehabilitation with
the elderly.
TheMilo Foundation
DomesticAnimalSanctuary
LynneTingle
SanRafael,Calif.
(milofoundation.ord)
FullPawtentialDogTraining
DogTraining
MeganHonaker
Denver,Colo.
(fullpawtential.com)
Paws& Claws
NaturalPetFoodStore
& GroomingSpa
DianePfile& RuthVillasenor
Oakland,Calif.
(pawsandclawsoakland.com
Carabee'sCritters
In-HomePetSitting
CarlaMcBee
LasVegas,NV
(carabeescritters.com)
WhiskersBarkery
PetSupplies& DaytimeSitting
CharlotteandDonna
Prescott& Sedona,Ariz.
(whiskersbarkery.com)
CityTails
DogWalking& PetSitting
LaurenLangfordandReneeTeeley
SanFrancisco
(sfcitytails.com)
TheAnimalNanny
DogWalking&
PetSittingMarna
SanFrancisco& BayArea
(theanimalnanny.com)
MuttvilleSeniorDogRescue
SeniorDogRescue&
AdoptionShelter
SherriFranklin
SanFrancisco
(muttville.ord)
Pickof the Litter
PetCare& Sitting
Stephanie& Carie
SanFrancisco
(pickofthelitterpetcare.com)
so I curve
NorthernCaliforniaFamilyDogRescue
DogRescueandAdoptionShelter
AngelaPadilla
NorthernCalifornia
(norcalfamilydogrescue.ord)
NinjaDogConcepts
MissingAnimalDetective
SarahSypniewskiandKimRodgers
SantaMonica,Calif.
(ninjadogconcepts.com)
BarkPetPhotography
DogPhotography
KimRodgersandSarahSypniewski
SantaMonica,Calif.
(barkpetphotography.com)
SouthBarkDogWash& SouthBark
Professional
PetProducts
DogWashing& Supplies
DonnaWalker& LisaVella
SanDiego,Calif.
(southbark.com)
TheRightSpotPetMassage
Therapeutic& Rehabilitative
Massagefor Pets
KatieMehrtens
Chicago
(therightspotforpets.com)
HopeVeterinaryClinic
VeterinaryClinic
Dr.KristineYoung& Juliet
Sternberg
Brooklyn,N.Y.
(hopevet.com)
4LegsPetInc.
PetSupplies
DoriGananandLeslieCorral
Chicago
(4/egspet.com)
TheCottageSmall
SmallDogTraining& B
JaneBrydon
GlenMills,Penn.
(thecottagedogdaycar,
Hoof,Paw& Claw
AnimalReiki,Communication
andMuscleTherapy
AileenD'Angelo
Northborough,
Mass.
(reikiforcritters.
com)
Bloomington
PetPals
In-HomePetSitting& DogWalking
AnnWesley& DianeStuercke
Bloomington,
Ind.
(bloomingtonpetpals.com)
C.A.R.E.Inc
CanineAssistedRehabilitation
for the Elderly
Or.JulianneDavis
Raleigh,N.C.
(carencinc.org)
OldeTownePetResort
PetResort
DixieEng& EllenHaynes
Springfield& Sterling,Va.
(o/detownepetresort.com)
RainbowPetSittingServices
PetSitting
Ms.RonnieKahn
Charlottesville,
Va.
(rainbowpetsitting.com)
Halo,Purelyfor Pets
HolisticPetCareProducts
EllenDeGeneres
co-owner
Tampa,Fla.
(halopets.com)
CanineComfortPet Massage
PetMassage
JulieAshlock
TampaBay,Fla.
(caninecomfortpetmassage.com)
Did we miss
your favorite
lesbianowned pet
business? Tell
us about them
at letters@
curvemag.com
CREDITS: Sarah Sypniewski (Bark Pet), Celeste Clancy (Canine Comfort), Kelly Bryan (Carabees), Jo Murphy
(C.A.R.E.), Amandaism Art/stockxchng (hoof paw & claw), Marico Fayre (Hot Diggity), Kira Stackhouse (Muttville),
Kim Rodgers (Ninja), Carie Guevara (pick of the litter), Chris McClay (South Bark), Mark Rogers (Animal Nanny),
Kirsten Berg (Milo), Norie Knezetic (right spots), Winnie Lee/stockxchng (sweater)
When country
music star Chely
Wright came out,
she may have lost
some fans but she
gained true love.
a
e
n Johns
By Merry
. Wojtasik
by Karolma
Photos
er
n May 10, 2010, Nashville darling Chely Wright came out in a blaze
of publicity fueled by the publication of her memoir, Like Me. To her,
coming out was an orchestrated rejection of a self-destructive life in
the closet, and the beginning of an authentic life as a lesbian activist.
And true to the Law of Attraction (a belief that like attracts like), only two
weeks after coming out, Wright met the woman who would become her
wife. Wright was introduced to Lauren Blitzer at an event for GLSEN, the
Gay, Lesbian, and Straight Education Network. Blitzer, the co-author of Same
Sex in the City: So Your Prince Charming Is Really a Cinderella, a savvy and sincere
advice book for young lesbians in New York City, was also an LGBT activist. "I think that
connected us in the first place," says Blitzer. "She was actively doing the same sort of
work that I was, so that was really neat that we saw eye to eye from the get-go."
But Cupid's arrow did not immediately find its mark.
The night of the event, Blitzer had a case of strep throat and
Wright was preoccupied with a myriad of details regarding
the upcoming tour for both her book and her album, Lifted
Off the Ground.That evening they acknowledged each other
as "nice, and pretty, but there was not a love connection;'
says Wright.
But as often happens in the movies-especially those set
in Manhattan-when
the two met again six weeks later,
they were enchanted. "We ended up standing on the sidewalk outside of the Time Warner Center up near Columbus
Circle;' says Wright. "It was the hottest day of the year and
we couldn't pull ourselves away from one another. We
couldn't stop talking on this 106-degree sidewalk:'
When they decided to get engaged, they returned to that
spot to put rings on each other's fingers. The couple wed in
Connecticut, with their families and friends in attendance,
on August 20, but they were also married in New York State
on July 24, the first day that same-sex marriage became legal
there. In hindsight, it seems pre-ordained and somewhat
bountiful to have a storybook wedding in rural Connecticut
and to be part of American history by having a wedding that
celebrates marriage equality in New York. Their wedding
bands are engraved with the dates of both marriages.
At this they are overjoyed, but not at the fact that in the
United States gay marriage is still not federally recognized,
and that the slow and uncertain state-by-state progress of
marriage equality does little to protect gay couples.
"As proud as we are to be living in the greatest city in
the world, and as proud as we are to be New Yorkers who
54
I curve
are legally married, we were recently made painfully aware
that our marriage is still different than a straight couple's,"
says Wright.
Ironically, they came to this realization when they were
returning from their honeymoon and going through U.S.
Customs. As queer couples who travel together may already
know, domestic re-entry is not a time when we are accorded
the same rights as heterosexual travelers. Wright and Blitzer,
as newlyweds, had made the mistake of filling out only one
Customs form, which is standard for couples whose marriage
makes them a family.
"So ... we got in the line to come back through;' recalls
Wright, "and [the Customs agent] said, 'How are you related?'
and I said, 'She's my wife: And he said, 'Oh no-no, no, noyou go to a differentline: Everyone standing around us saw
it and was uncomfortable. The Customs agent became very
agitated. We didn't know if he was disgusted with us, or what
it was. Later, I asked him to explain what had happened and
what the rule was. He got his supervisor and the supervisor
basically said, 'You don't have a federal marriage, you have
a state marriage, and this is a federal agency, and we can't
acknowledge it: It was a shocking reminder that separate is
never equal. How many times do we have to say that?"
Even as a Christian country music star who unapologetically entertained the troops in the Middle East (her song
"Bumper of my SUV" teases out some of the complexities
of why supporting them is not wrong), Wright has always
considered herself a free-thinking American who keeps up
on all the issues. But the bigotry behind the current presidential debates has shocked even this Kansas City native
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and former Music Row favorite. "GOP
candidates are race baiting and anti,gay
baiting. They know which buttons to push
to get their base to come out and be fired
up to vote. Unfortunately, people like me and
Lauren are the card they play. A 15,year,old kid
in Tennessee, when he hears a candidate say,'Gays are
evil; he doesn't know that that's a political ploy;' she says,
before adding, "except if you're Rick Santorum. Then it's not
a political ploy: He really believes it:'
The dark side of American faith is yet another topic on
which she and her wife see eye to eye. Blitzer is the develop,
ment director of the nonprofit Faith in America, and Wright
is a dedicated board member.
"Faith in America touches on a subject that nobody else
does;' says Blitzer. "Why is (bigotry] still happening:' What's
happening in people's minds that they still think that gay
is wrong? It really is all about people's interpretation of the
Bible. This is what their deep,rooted traditional beliefs are
telling them, and this is what they're passing on to their chil,
dren:' While Wright was raised as a Midwestern Christian
by folks who struggled to accept her sexual identity, Blitzer
grew up in Manhattan in a liberal Jewish household. "There
was a lesbian rabbi on the Upper West Side when I was
growing up. Bigotry and discrimination weren't a part of my
ReformJewish upbringing:'
In fact, Blitzer believes that being a lesbian in New York
56
I curve
City is in some way responsible for her charmed existence.
"Being a lesbian has given me a lot of opportunities that I
would not have if I were straight:' They both relish their
existence as a lesbian couple living in such a diverse and tol,
erant place as New York City; nevertheless, as high,profile
lesbians and activists, and with technology connecting
them to approximately 30 red states, criticism and bigotry
are never far away."I got called a dyke on Twitter yesterday;'
says Blitzer. ''And it was by a guy who couldn't spell;' notes
Wright. But Blitzer takes it all in stride, saying that such
slings and arrows of hostility "keep the fire going under,
neath us:' In fact, Blitzer is totally comfortable being in the
spotlight with her more famous wife. "I have over 5,000
people following me on Twitter, and I know it's because I
married Chely. I understand that people now pay attention
to me because they want to know who she married, which
is fine by me because I know the message that I am putting
out there is one of tolerance and advocacy... ! love the fact
that we are able to provide positive role models for people:'
"We feel lucky to have the tools and the opportunities to
use our voice;' says Wright. "If we get beat up on Twitter or
Facebook or a nasty blog, and sometimes it does get to be
too much, we just log off and we watch an episode of Law
and Order:'
But hiding or running away is not an option, says Wright.
Especially not now. ''I've been on the other side. My life now
is a miracle to me. I know what it's like to be uncomfortable
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in hiding. I'd rather be occasionally uncomfortable out in
the open. And we chose this-we chose being public, vocal
activists-and it's an honor:'
While planning her very public coming out, Wright
anticipated that coming out might create enemies. But she
also hoped that it would attract openness and equanimity on
a personal level. "I knew that the prospects of living openly
might reveal a hopefully healthy relationship with someone.
I just had no idea that I would find her so quickly. Not only
did I meet Lauren, but she was ready for me as well. And I
think that's significant:'
Blitzer agrees. "I felt like everybody does: When you stop
looking or thinking about that whole forever part, it just hits
you in the face. I was surprised, but we all wait for the right
person and when it happens we just know:'
But that whole forever part comes with some political
baggage, even in our own community. Some gays and lesbians
do not believe in marriage as an institution and wonder why
we seek marriage equality at all. Wright, however, firmly
believes in the institution-and
the terminology and the
rituals. She calls Blitzer her wife.
While Blitzer had initially been opposed to wearing her
engagement and wedding rings on her left hand, wanting to
claim something that was separate from traditional marriage,
Wright's position differed. "What I wanted was for my mar,
riage and my wedding and my family to someday be viewed
as traditional. Therefore, I wanted my ring on my left hand.
I didn't want to have to adapt or change, to do something
different just because straight people did it. I think that's the
separate water fountain thing. I want traditional marriage
to include gay marriage. I want to be under that wonderful
umbrella of tradition. I like the word 'wife: I like being
Lauren's wife. I have so much love and respect for her, the
word' wife' feels great to me:'
Now Blitzer agrees. "We walked out with a marriage cer,
tificate and I've got it in our file cabinet, and when we go
into the Social Security office to change our names legally
on all our documents, that's what we'll bring, because she's
my wife. 'Partner' doesn't quite explain what we're doing
here;' she says.
Marriage rituals aside, both women agree on the
importance of family. "I think one of the things that first
connected me to Lauren, and made me think that she might
be my'forever; was that we both wanted a traditional family;'
says Wright. 'J\nd I would argue with the GOP and these
family,values groups that claim that I don't have family
values. Lauren and I do. We spend a lot of time with our
respective families, and we want that, and going into that
requires a whole lot of discussion and maturity and love and
stability and commitment. Straight couples and gay couples
alike have had kids and not been prepared for it, but we're
doing our best to prepare ourselves, and having a family is
something that we both really, really want:'
All this preparation is welcome news to the Blitzers, who
have already been asking for grandkids. "Literally, the day
after we got married, they're like, 'So?' I'm like, 'OK, can I
have a minute?'" laughs Blitzer.
So what are those plans?"We're going to try what we can
to have a child biologically, and if that doesn't work for us, we
will try our best to provide a home for a child who needs a
home;' says Wright.
"The extent you have to go to, to conceive a child, when
you're two women-you
have to do things to make this
happen-this
is such a loving place, this is not an accident. I
cannot imagine a better place for a child to be;' says Blitzer.
Even Wright's tight,knit family is supportive of the new
family unit. "I have so much support from my core family,
and they love Lauren, and they love that I'm happy;' says
Wright, who took Blitzer back to Kansas for Christmas.
That holiday involved sitting around for five slow,paced
days, playing cards with the older folks and games and with
grandkids. Wright had to pinch hersel£ 'J\ couple of times
I took inventory of the room and thought, I am here with
my wife, and they know she's my wife, and they are asking us
about babies and home, and they hug Lauren and they say,'I
love you' and they mean it. It's a real blessing:'
Blitzer and Wright may look like characters in a lesbian
fairytale, especially in this photo spread, but even a cursory
examination of their books reveals the different and chal,
lenging trajectories experienced by women all over the
country who decide to come out. Both books are invaluable
reading for lesbians today. And Wright has plenty of advice
for any gay people wanting to take that step and come out
to their families. Her coming out was no picnic-not with
her biological family, not with her music industry family.
And not with her family of fans. She gained some and lost
some. "Some fans wrote me letters and said, Tm done with
you: And I had fans who read my book and said,Tm hanging
in there with you:"
Time has passed since her coming out, and though
Wright's attitude has mellowed, she is strong and confident
in her point of view on the process. Here is her advice for
those who are still facing their own unveiling.
'J\ssess your environment before coming out. If you do
happen to sit down and have a coming,out conversation
with your family, choose the time and place. Share it with
them as a bit of beautiful news about your life. Tell them
you're coming out to them because you want them to know
you better. Be patient with them. This doesn't mean you have
to tolerate abuse from your family, and it doesn't mean that if
your mom cries things aren't going to be OK. But know that
it's a big bit of information. I think ultimately every family
wants every family member to be OK and happy, and I think
the best way to assure them of that is to be OK and happy.
And eventually, hopefully, your family will see that you are
just happier being who you are:'
And you know that's possible because Chely Wright is,
and she's right behind you. ■
April 2012
I 57
PORTLANDIA
In spite of the changing times, you can still play and stay gay in Portland, Oregon.
By Kristin Flickinger
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PORTLAND,
ORE.,is one of the great playgrounds for lesbian
travelers, appealing especially to outdoorsy types- Portland
is sublimely situated between the Pacific Ocean and the
Cascade Range, home to spectacular mountains like Mt.
Hood and Mt. St. Helens. It even boasts of the the largest
public parks within a U.S. city.
For those more apt to focus on culture, be assured that
amid the bike lanes there is of course the symphony, the
ballet and the opera; there are restaurants, theaters and
museums. Portland also has wonderful mass transit and a
thriving food cart scene. And rain. It has lots of rain.
Like many big cities, Portland also has neighborhoods
known for gay bars, gay~owned restaurants and gay~friend~
liness in general. One of them is Stark Street ... or, I should
say, was Stark Street.
Back in the day (and as recently as the early 2000s), the
street known as "Vaseline Alley" was the place to go for gay
entertainment, with its variety of bars, dance dubs, cabarets
and even a deliciously seedy bathhouse. It was downtown,
but on the edge, not far from the Warehouse District, and
rough enough that people didn't wander in by mistake. At
least, that was my perception as an undergrad in the '90s.
But when the Warehouse District experienced a renaissance
at the turn of the millennium, and was reborn as the Pearl
District, Stark Street found itself smack in between some
fancy new lofts and Portland's downtown. Slowly-but as
surely as hipsters like their coffee and skinny jeans-bars
became delis, and refined little shops selling handicrafts
moved closer and closer to Portland's last gay bastion.
While other parts of the city have experienced gentrifi~
cation, shifting racially and socio~economically, Portland's
traditionally gay districts are facing what some people have
called 'genderfication:' Across town, Portland's only lesbian
bar faced the same fate. In 2010, after 15 years, the Egyptian
Club, voted "Best Lesbian Bar in the Country" by GayCities.
com, closed its doors. Citing a tough economic climate and
declining attendance, the owner, Kim Davis, turned the club
into Weird Bar, a "normaUriendly" dub. (Weird Bar closed
a year later.)
Back on Stark Street, after a 30~year run, the iconic bath~
house called Club Portland closed in 2007. Word went out
that the great four~story triangular building would become
a boutique hotel run by McMenamins, an Oregon company
known for its funky restoration of historic buildings. I was
working downtown, just a few blocks from the building,
when I found out. I had a fit. As someone who had come of
age in Portland, I saw the bathhouse perched on the edge of
the city's swankiest district as a powerful statement of how
tolerant Portland was. Losing the monochromatic tangerine
fa;:ade with its boarded~up windows and fire~door entrance
meant that I would no longer see smiling men in leather
walking arm~in~arm past businessmen headed to Whole
Foods for lunch. It displeased me mightily.
The Ace Hotel
Lobby (clockwise from left):
quirky Ace Hotel
decor; the classic
Crystal Hotel
April 2012
I 59
So the last time I visited Portland, I thought I would try
to put my misgivings aside and give the new Stark Street a
chance, and I booked a couple of nights in hotels that had
once been part of the gay scene.
I spent the first night at the Ace Hotel. The Ace, built
in 1912, sits within the renovated Clyde Hotel. The film
Drugstore Cowboywas shot in the Clyde, and gay bars once
inhabited the surrounding storefronts. Today, the building
has an appealingly retro feel, with bright hallways and tall
ceilings. The hotel offers both European~style rooms (shared
bathrooms) and American~style rooms and suites-some
featuring claw~footed tubs and record players.
The Ace is Portland~chic. Its lobby (which sports a photo
booth!) is dominated by a set of L~shaped sofas around
an enormous coffee table that looks like it used to be part
of a metal roo£ The sofas are always packed with hipsters
drinking coffee from the venerable Stumptown Coffee Shop,
which is connected to the lobby (Stumptown is widely rec~
ognized as the best coffee in the city). The succulent Clyde
Common, the hotel's restaurant, provides excellent nosh, as
well as room service (try the fried chickpeas).
Next to the elevators is a bank of bikes for rent. The elevator
itself displays this message embroidered in needlepoint: "If
you took the stairs, you'd be there already:' It's true.
Peering down onto Stark Street from my room I had
a view of the bar where, years ago, dressed in Mardi Gras
drag, I lost a fake ID to an angry bouncer while a group of
queens-my escorts for the evening-looked on.
Next on my list was the Crystal Hotel-on
the site of the
old Club Portland bathhouse.
Simply put, it was beautiful. The large windows, once
blinded by plywood, had been wonderfully restored, giving
the property a glittering feel on rainy nights. McMenamins'
restorations really are quite something. The company retains
the history of a place, whether it used to be the state poor~
60
I curve
house, an elementary school or a gay bathhouse, while making
it magical to visit.
The European~style room I stayed in at the Crystal was
dark but comfortable and well appointed, with a sink, no
television and the key to bathrooms that were only a couple
of yards away. Like each room in the hotel, mine had
a mural painted to represent a song sung at the legendary
Crystal Ballroom-another
McMenamins property-just
across the street. The angled hallways of the triangular
building are lined with colorful paintings and murals
depicting the building's history. As with all McMenamins
hotels, the Crystal has a number of great public spaces. The
Zeus Cafe has a wide range of menu options, while Al's Den
offers cocktails and live music. Steps away, down a hallway
lined with pictures from building's gay cabaret and bath~
house days, is a large, beautiful, saltwater soaking pool.
As I nestled into my comfortable queen~size bed, I heard
the sounds of the street below (for a quieter room, request
one on the Stark Street side). The club goers are a mixed
group nowadays. There are still gay bars on the street, but
now they are frequented by curious heterosexuals, and the
closing of the city's lesbian bar has made Stark a refuge for
queer women as well as men. As I looked down the street,
there weren't any guys in leather, but I was comforted to
see the windows of the massive adult shop, Spartacus, still
gleaming in the night. ■
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FORTHOSE
WITHA LOVE
of all things vintage or a with a taste
for luxurious travel, E&O's, Eastern & Oriental Express is just
the ticket. Grab a one way ticket from Singapore to Butterworth
where you can disembark and explore Penang or go further for
the full ride to Chiang Mai in the north of Thailand. Whatever
the destination you are sure to enjoy the journey.
Board the elegant E&O in Singapore, where most trains
start or end their journey. Singapore's Art Deco station
designed by Swan and Maclaren, leading architects during
colonial times, is sure to set the bygone tone.
Grab a cocktail or a good book and hit the open air
Observation Deck with your girl to enjoy the lush green
backdrop as it leisurely passes you by. Locals, young and old
will run alongside the train or eagerly wave and warmly smile
as you float by.
Once settled in, make your way to the dining car where a
succulent lunch awaits. Afternoons are then spent in an old
fashion and sexy manner with books, naps, tropical fruit
presentations and psychic palm and card readings. Step back
to a simpler time, where time appears to stand still.
64
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Whatever decadent direction you head in, alert your
personal cabin steward of your need for a wake up call and
an afternoon tea as you and your girl are sure to be lulled to
sleep late afternoon. The local Malay pastries and silver tray
service will make you feel properly spoiled. Savor the moment's
richness and simplicity. The rest of the day you can reflect out
the window or romantically rendezvous as the experience is
begging for romance.
After you cross the Johor Causeway late in the day, you'll
make a quick stop for a city view from the station in Kuala
Lumpur. Then it's back in the dining car for a romantic dinner
where those attending dress to impress. The food is excellent and appropriate for the elegant surroundings. Enjoy an
amuse-houche, warm scallop and cheese souffie with lobster
bisque and medallions of beef in fragrant vindaloo sauce.
The apres-dinner cocktail, vibrant conversation, long standing
staff and live entertainment in the lush lounge cabin is the
perfect aperiti£
Once you retire to your Pullman or State compartment or
perhaps your more expansive Presidential suite, your room
will be ready for sweet dreaming. The turn down service and
E&O robes awaits, as your cabin steward is one step ahead
of your every want and need. After being rocked to sleep like
a travel baby by the train on the tracks, he'll wake the two of
you as you cross Bukit Merah Lake. The continental breakfast served in bed as you watch the sun seductively rise is a
once in a life slice of travel heaven that you can only hope to
relive again and again. (orient-express.com) ■
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MANYBRIDES-TO-BE
around the country wait with bated
breath as the move toward marriage equality makes slow
and steady progress. On February 8, the Washington
state legislature approved a bill to grant same~sex couples
the freedom to marry. The day before, the federal Court
of Appeals for the Ninth Circuit ruled that Prop. 8, the
California constitutional amendment approved by voters in
2008 to roll back the right of same~sex couples to marry, is
unconstitutional. This is the first time in U.S. history that
a federal appeals court has struck down a statewide ban
on marriage for same~sex couples. Hope burns eternal for
California's committed lesbian lovers, and the welcome mat
is especially prominent at the LGBT~friendly Kimpton
chain of hotels. Their support of lesbians who choose to
check in goes back to the 1980s and they were the very first
hotel company to score 100 percent on the HRC Corporate
Equality index, but it's worth taking note of their genuine
hospitality once more.
In San Francisco, the state's flagship city of diversity
and one of its biggest tourist draws, the Prescott Hotel, a
Kimpton property, extends an invitation to lesbian brides.
The Prescott, conveniently located in San Francisco's
Union Square, offers the perfect sophisticated wedding
venue, and Postrio, the award~winning restaurant located
within the hotel is a gorgeous and available setting for your
event. The on~site management offers assistance planning
G LDEN
GATE
GLAMOUR
San Francisco's Prescott Hotel welcomes
brides-and their four-legged family.
By Georgia Krokus
your big day and the chef~inspired menus aim to "wow"
your wedding guests.
And the Kimpton approach to hos~pet~ality means that
all members of your rainbow family will feel included. Born of
a love and respect for all living creatures, the KimptonPets
program goes beyond simply allowing your pet to stay;
Kimpton includes fun amenities and services, including
cozy beds, dining bowls and treats, to ensure that pet guests
also have a satisfying stay. Any number of pets are welcome
regardless of size, weight, kind or breed-free
of charge.
At the Prescott, as at many Kimpton hotels, you will find a
director of pet relations who offers advice to visiting canine
friends; and pet sitting is available should you become
too busy with your own plans to pay your precious pooch
the attention it is used to at home. Now that's hospetality
■
unleashed. (kimptonhotels.com)
April 2012
I 65
WHEN
YOU'RE
LOOKING
FORquality real estate, the watchword
is "location, location, location:' The same can be said of any
hotel, especially in New York City. Manhattan is one of the
world's great cities precisely because its identity is so closely
linked to its architectural landmarks and scenic qualities,
which, no matter how urban, evoke a sense of charm and
romance rivaled only by Paris or London. When it comes
to location in Manhattan, the pearl in the oyster is Central
Park. And the prime end of that artful oasis is Central
Park South.
Upscale Art Deco accommodation
in the Big Apple. By Merryn Johns
CENTRAL
PARK
Central Park South is a parade of attractions, from
Columbus Circle at Eighth Avenue on the west, to Grand
Army Plaza and the Plaza Hotel at Fifth Avenue on the east.
In between is a procession of horse~drawn carriages and
yellow cabs, and four lovely entrances to the park, where the
loops and drives take you through lush vegetation and past
granite outcrops. The Pond provides a picturesque respite
(one of seven bodies of water designed by Frederick Law
Olmsted and Calvert Vaux as part of their pastoral fantasy).
With its quaint stone bridge and wooded nature sanctuary,
the Pond may be just steps from high~end shopping on Fifth
Avenue, but at its shores you can find peace and solitude,
watch the ducks, and wonder, like Holden Caulfield, where
they go in the winter. The ducks stay within the ecosystem
of the park, but perhaps the lucky ones venture across the
road to the luxurious Jumeirah Essex House!
In a city full of iconic structures, Jumeirah Essex House,
which shares the same vintage as the Chrysler Building and
the Empire State, was one of New York City's first land~
mark hotels when it opened, 44 stories high, in 1931. Now,
though, it has become one of the city's last-the
nearby
Plaza Hotel, capitulating to market forces, was redeveloped
for hotel condos in 2005. The Essex House remains
strictly a luxury hotel: Its gorgeous original gilded facade
still welcomes weary travelers from around the world; its
guest rooms have been tastefully updated (most recently
in 2007 with a $90 million renovation), but the exemplary
Art Deco lobby has been immaculately preserved; and
the distinctive, six-story, 1930s-style red rooftop sign still
proudly crowns the stepped structure. It is, thankfully, a
National Trust Historic Hotel, and its Art Deco aesthetic
is what makes Jumeirah Essex House a destination hotel.
The metropolis blossomed around it in the pre-war era, and
many of its public masterpieces belong to that time. Today,
you can still soak up that atmosphere by ordering afternoon
tea in the lobby or having an opulent Sunday brunch, just as
Central Park strollers did back then.
The hotel is a favorite with world leaders and celebrities
(recently, I passed Morgan Freeman, a celebrity who has
played world leaders, on the way to the elevators), and there
is a feeling of exclusivity when you check in and receive an
escort to your well-appointed room (with perhaps a breathtaking bird's-eye view of the foliage in Central Park). Your
room may look like a set from a Jean Harlow movie, but
it comes with high-speed Internet and premium-channel
cable television.
With 20,000 restaurants to choose from in the five
boroughs of New York City, it may seem odd to dine at the
hotel, but the food and wine at South Gate are worth staying
in for. The cuisine by chef Kerry Heffernan (formerly of
Danny Meyer's Eleven Madison Park) is simple-yet-elegant
modern American; the cocktails are delicious; and the
international wine selection, featuring 1,200 bottles, covers
all price points and palates (you also get to make your
selection from nifty iPad menus).
To burn those calories, visit the fitness center, with
its state-of-the-art cardiovascular and strangth-training
equipment. For those who want to indulge their senses, the
in-house spa has an inspired selection of massage treatments
(including the best deep-tissue massage experience I've ever
had). I especially liked it that they feature Australian-based
Sodashi products, which are available in New York only at
Jumeirah Essex House.
Because this is a luxury hotel, you might be checking in
for a special occasion, and the hotel can provide you with all
the amenities for your own fairytale lesbian wedding (not
to mention proximity to the park for a photo shoot). For
a union themed on classic glamour, you could have your
reception in the Grand Salon, the embodiment of BeauxArts opulence, with its gold-leaf-accented ceiling, crystal
chandeliers and hand-painted murals of French gardens.
The adjacent Petit Salon provides a more intimate venue,
and both salons are accessible at street level, with their own
private entrance from Central Park South. The wedding
team can assist you in creating the perfect day, sharing over
40 years of expertise in etiquette and event flow.
And if you can't bear to leave your four-legged babies at
home while you enjoy your nights away, bring them with
you. Jumeirah Essex House is delighted to offer them an
equally luxurious stay, thanks to the Canine Turndown
Program's in-room pet amenities, including a Wagwear
dog bed with plush blanket, homemade dog treats created
by the hotel's executive pastry chef, food and water bowls
with matching placemats, and stylish Wagwear collars and
leashes, so you can leave all your own pet accessories at
home. vumeirah.com) ■
April 2012
I 67
REVIEWSSapphic Screen
How She Rolls
Meet Tiphany Adams, the lesbian star of Push Girls. By Rachel Shatto
Tiphany Adams was a 17 ,year,old high
school senior who dreamed of becoming a
model when a drunk driver going 130 mph
crashed head,on into the car she and two of
her friends were in. Both of her friends were
killed in the collision and Adams barely sur,
vived (initially, doctors gave her a 5 percent
chance of survival), suffering trauma to her
spinal cord that left her paralyzed from the
waist down.
However, never one to be kept down for
long, the remarkable Adams returned to
school six months later, actually graduated
with her class and went on to successfully
pursue a career in modeling and acting.
Now, she and Angela Rockwood, Auti
Angel and Mia Schaikewitz-all of whom
are also paralyzed-are the subjects of the
Sundance Channel docu,series Push Girls,
premiering this spring.
The series, which is being touted as an
68
I curve
moved to Los Angeles. A friend invited me
to lunch at her friend's house, and it hap,
pened to be Angela's. We decided to go out
later and that same night I met Auti and
Mia. We really connected and have been
friends ever since.
Whatmisconceptions
doyouhopeto dispel
fortheaudience?
I hope to shatter stereotypes and let the
world know that through all the tragedies
that fill you with despair you can triumph.
I believe in prayer and meditation-ask
and you shall receive. I choose to make an
impact through love. With love you can
connect with everyone beyond the facade
of the exterior.
Doyoufeelextrapressure
to represent
forthe
LGBT
community?
No, more than anything I am thankful to be
HowdidyoumeetyourPushGirlscastmates? able to be a part of such a loving community
I met Angela [four years ago], after I that supports peace, love and equality.
unfiltered and unsentimental look at the
lives of these women, promises to be an
eye,opening experience, and Adams assures
us that the series will depict the broad
spectrum of her life, from the familiar
territory of L.A:s lesbian dating scene to
her close friendships with her inspiring
castmates, and will even follow her back
to her Northern California hometown to
attend a high school reunion as well as
visit-for the first time-the
scene of her
near,fatal car accident.
While there is no shortage of reality TV
series these days, Push Girls offers us a fas,
cinating insight into a misunderstood and
underrepresented group that has been in
need of a spokesperson-and
the inspiring
and lovely Adams is just the lesbian to do it.
Didyouhaveanyconcerns
aboutcomingout
onTV?
No, and yes. I was slightly hesitant because
I do have nieces and nephews who are from
a small town, and I don't want them to be
outcasts due to my sexual orientation. But
at the end of the day I have to be me, and I
know I am an amazing aunt and my family
loves me, regardless.
Isyourromantic
lifesomething
theseries
explores?
Yes, romantic excursions may be on the
horizon. I am dating.
So,asidefromyourromantic
life,whatother
aspects
ofyourlifeareportrayed
intheseries?
I revisit the accident scene for the first time
ever. I'm exploring different depths of mysel£
following my career paths and my love for
health and fitness.
Whatwasthemostchallenging
partof having
yourlifeoncamera?
Nothing is too challenging when you believe
anything is possible, as long as you have
faith. I guess the only bump in the road
would be with labels. People put too much
emphasis in categorizing individuals. I am
full of love. I will not label my sexual orientation or allow people to put me in a box. I
enjoy and love people for who they are on a
soul-to-soul level and not [because of] their
race or gender.
Whathasbeenthemostrewarding
part?
The most rewarding part is that it has been
liberating to let the world see my true colors.
I am thankful that I get the opportunity to
share my journey with people. We all go
through similar experiences, but we each
respond differently. The beauty is that I get
to share how I deal with life in general.
Doyouhavea personal
motto?
My motto is to be the light to those in darkness and the hope to those lost in despair. ■
Condoleeua Rice, PhD
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HitSoHard
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Inthe late'90s,Hole,theCourtney
Love-fronted
grungeband,
seemedunstoppable.
Neitherthe
patriarchy
of the musicscene
normultiplefataldrugoverdoses
couldstopthefascination
and
furyaroundthisrawandrevered
group.Butallthatcameto an
endwhen,duringthe recording
of Celebrity
Skif}-the followup
to the band'sbreak-outhit record
LiveThrough
This-fiery-haired
lesbiandrummerPattySchemel
wasforcedoutof the recording
sessionandinturnquitthe band.
Whatwesawinthetabloidsand
on MTVNewsdidn'tbeginto tell
thefull storyof Schemel's
descent
downthe pathof destruction
and
herneardemise.
Toldthrough
footageandinterviews
with
family,formerbandmatesand
'90srockcontemporaries,
HitSo
Hardripsbackthecurtainonthe
pain,pleasure
andpuregenius
of HoleandScheme!.
Utterly
mesmerizing,
powerful,brutaland
ultimatelyhopeful,HitSoHardis
anabsolutemust-see.
MissRepresentation
{VirgilFilmsand
Entertainment}
Gameof Thrones:
TheComplete
FirstSeason
{HBOStudios}
Prepare
to getjustifiablyangry
whilewatchingthe inspiring
documentary
MissRepresentation,
whichhighlights
thewaysin
whichthe media'sportrayal
of
womensystematically
disenfranchisesthem.Thefilm featuresa
numberof illuminating
interviews
withwomenpoliticians,
celebrities
andmediastrategists,
including
Condoleezza
Rice,Margaret
Cho,RachelMaddowandMalkia
AmalaCyril.Thedoceffectively
portrayshoweverything
from
thederegulation
of the media,
to Photoshopped
images,
to
hypersexualized
advertising,
to thefat-shaming,
celebrityobsessed
coverage
of women
inthe newsmediaall contribute
to thisepidemicof degrading
representations.
It'sa compelling
andimportant
film,whosetagline
remindsus"Youcan'tbewhat
youcan'tsee."Showit to your
daughters,
sisters,girlfriends
and
anyonewhohaseversaidwe live
in a post-feminist
world.
Thinkfantasyis notyourthing?
WellGameof Thrones
is likely
to changeyourmindbecause
there'sa littlesomething
for
everyone
inthissweeping
epic:
intrigue,humor,violence-andfor
usladyloversthereis Daenerys
Targaryen,
the heteroflexible
fairhairedprincessin exile,aswellas
thealwayslovelylezziefaveLena
Headey,
whostarsasthevillainousmatriarchCerseiLannister.
Theseriesis setonthecusp
of winterin thefictionalSeven
Kingdoms
of Westerns,
where
seasonslastfor yearsandeveryoneis plottingto achievegreater
power,eitherthroughviolenceor
(equallydeadly)scheming.
Game
of Thrones
is witty,heart-rending,
frequently
shockingandwildly
entertaining-itbelongsat the
verytopof yourmust-watch
list.
Andwithseasontwo all setto
premiere
thismonth,it's the
perfecttimeto getcaughtup,
soyoucanstartcrushingon
Daenerys
alongwiththerestof us.
Spark
{Entertainment
One}
Sparkis a wonderfully
strange
movie.It'sa subversive
takeon
thecinematic
formulathatgoes
asfollows:anoutcastmakes
goodwitha dancenumber.
It's
thequeeranswerto Napoleon
Dynamite
in thatit seemsto occur
outsideof time,in a mishmash
of popcultureandfashionsfrom
the lastthreedecades.
Sporkis
a frizzy-haired,
female-identified
intersexwho,tormented
byher
classmates,
pinsherhopesfor
happiness
onwinningtheschool
talentshow.However,
Sparkhas
a lot moreto sayundertheguise
of thisformulaicveneer.
Whereas
its mainstream
counterparts
oversimplify
thingsdownto mere
socioeconomic
differences,
Spark
introduces
ideasabouthow
gender,
sexuality
andraceplay
a rolein theschoolyard
social
structurebycreating:meangirls,
bulliesandtheirvictims.Yet,
despiteits heavysubjectmatter,
thefilm stayslightthanksto its
quirkysensibilities
andupbeat
andnostalgic
soundtrack.
April 2012
I 69
REVIEWSMusic Watch
Who's Afraid of Fay Wolf?
The talented musicianfinds her voice. By Dave Steinfeld
Fairfield, Conn., is not a town that turns out
a lot of biracial, bisexual singer,songwriters.
Trust me, I grew up one town over. For
the most part, Fairfield is wealthy, white
bread, conservative New England. The best,
known musician it has produced to date is
probably John Mayer. But it also happens
to be where Fay Wolf-a biracial, bisexual
singer,songwriter-grew
up. Raised by a
black mother and a white, Jewish father,
Wolf focused on acting first. She joined
theater groups as a kid and spent her 20s
appearing in TV shows that ranged from
All My Children to Chappelle'sShow to
NCIS: Los Angeles.Then, a few years ago,
she began writing songs. After she released
an EP called Blanketsin 2010, her fantastic
full,length debut, Spiders, appeared this
past November.
Spiders contains 11 original songs and
is heavy on lush, sad piano ballads; indeed,
70
I curve
her motto is "Fay Wolf will make you cry:'
But if the album is melancholy, it isn't
monotonous. Songs like "Mine" channel
Tori Amos, while "See Monkey" leans more
toward Suzanne Vega. The album's closer,
"Backstage Girl;' could have come from a
musical. But the standout, to these ears at
least, is a breathtaking song called simply
"Was:' Wolf says, "It's a true love song
[and it's] one of the songs that was written
pretty quickly. I'm happy with the way it
turned out:'
Then there's "Black People;' which is
jazzier and a bit less serious than most of
the tunes on Spiders."[It's] one of the first
songs I ever wrote;' says Wol£ "It's obviously
about my racial identity and my confusion
about that. But as far as the specifics of what
it means-I don't know!" she laughs. She
adds, "I enjoy telling people the title [of that
song] during live performance. Whenever I
say 'This is called 'Black People' and when,
ever I say 'This is called Dead Dads and
Sad Moms; there's uncomfortable laughter!"
Onstage, Wolf is a natural, perhaps because
of her background in theater.
There'sa bisexualfight
going on that unfortunately
is sometimesagainstour
own community.
When it came time to record her album,
Wolf -like an increasing number of artists
these days-went
about raising money
through the website Kickstarter.com. As it
turns out, she surpassed her goal of rais,
ing $15,000. "I was hesitant at first about
essentially asking people for money;' she
admits. "But then I saw so many musicians
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and artists and inventors describing
really beautiful experiences. You know,
it's not just people throwing down
money-it's
people who care about
the specific projects and want to be
involved at this grassroots level. And,
working backwards, I'll say that send~
ing the updates after the fact has been
really exciting for people. I get lots of
responses from my backers and my
friends when I send out the updates.
They're just so excited to be a part of
it. So it's this lovely experiment that
I tried and that worked out. I really
needed the money to finish it and get it
out there, and I literally could not have
[done that] without the campaign:'
Wolf is nothing if not uncategoriz~
able.Not only is she biracialand bisexual,
even her musical influences run the
gamut. On the one hand, she cites Amos,
Ani DiFranco and the Indigo Girls as
some of her favorites. But on the other
hand, Wolf is an unabashed fan of
hair metal and grunge. Surprisingly,
she lists '80s MTV acts like Skid Row
and Warrant as bands that she loves,
as well as Seattle mainstays from the
'90s like Soundgarden, Pearl Jam and
Screaming Trees. Admittedly, it's hard
to hear the influence of Skid Row in
her music!
Being difficult to define can be a
blessing and a curse, though. Wolf tells
me, "Growing up in Connecticut, and
basically growing up in a white world,
the little flak I got was from the black
community. It's tough. Because my skin
is essentially white, I found that I got
more flak from the black kids than the
white kids. I was getting called Oreo by
the black kids.
'Tve had this experience in the
bisexual world as well;' she adds."There's
a bisexual fight going on that unfortu~
nately is sometimes against our own
community. Sort of what I was touching
on earlier, about being able to pass and
being made fun of for having feet in
two different worlds. From my stand~
point, it'sjust one world-which is me:'
(faywolfmusic.com)■
AmyRay
lung of love
(Daemon
Records)
WhileAmyRay
maybebestknown
for herpartnership
in the iconicduo
the IndigoGirls,
shealsohasa
stunningbodyof
workas a solo
artist.Herlatest
offering,Lung
of Love,marks
Ray'ssixthsolo
album,andit may
be herbestyet.
Thiscollectionof
longsongsstrays
from,but never
fully abandons,
her
folk roots.Rather,
it gentlysteers
moretowardrock
andblueswith the
occasional
foray
intopop,country
andpunk.Album
highlights
include
the opener"When
You'reGone,You're
Gone"whichis
a languidbluesy
trackthat calls
to mindthe best
of SherylCrow,
but with more
edge;andthe title
track"Lungof
Love"is a poppy
andmelodically
invitingodeto
amourthat's like
an audiblebalmfor
heartache.
MeshellNdegeocello PatricePike
Jessica6
Seethelight
Weather
andFriends
(Peacefrog
Records) (Na"ive
Records)
live and Then
Some:Volume
2
ThisBrooklynListeningto the
(ZainWayne)
basedtrio fronted
seductively
haunting
bytranssuperstar
Weather,
it's hard
Livealbumscan
NomiRuizhas
to imaginethatthis
berisky.Formany
albumcamefrom
corneredthe
artists,theycan
marketon languid
the sameperson
exposeweaknesses
whoputoutthe
discobeats.Their
thata studiocan
debutalbum,See
smack-talking
1993
compensate
for,but,
theLight,is a
hit "If That'sYour
ontheotherhand,
13-tracktestament
Boyfriend(HeWasn't
therearesomemusito latenightslooking
LastNight),"but it's
ciansthatshinein
for andfindinglove
just a testamentto
a livesetting.Queer
intheclub.With
the ongoingsonic
songstress
and
tracksrangingin
evolution
of a singuformerSister7 frontinfluencefrom
larartist.All formula
womanPatricePike,
houseandcontemandgimmickshave
withhersoulfulclear
poraryR&Bto Latin
beentossedaside
andsoaringvocals,
music(bywayof
onthis moody,
is thankfullyoneof
Miami),theycreate
unpredictable
and
the latter.Recorded
a surrealistmixture
experimental
set
in an intimatevenue
of thefamiliarand
list."RapidFire"is a
in the blink-andthe exotic.While
whisperyspokenyou'll-miss-it
town
the songstend
wordpiecesetto
of Murphys,
Calif.,
a drivingbeatwith
towardthe dance
Pikeandaccomfloor-friendly,
there
just a touchof the
panyingbandhave
is somethingintrinpsychedelic
about
whatamountsto a
sicallymelancholy
it; "CrazyAndWild"
stunning13-song
aboutthe album,
is a stellarduetwith
jamsessionthat
fromits leisurely
ChrisConnolly
that
feelslesslikea
tempoto lyrics
callsto mindSade
performance
than
filledwith longing
andLeonardCohen
a celebration
of the
andbroughtto life
in equalmeasure;
pleasure
of creating
by Ruiz'saching
and"Weather"is
music.Hersoundis
anoddlypleasant,
vocals.Standout
contemporary
rock
tracksinclude
discordantmarriage
butborrowsheavily
"WhiteHorse,"
of R&Bandcountry
fromthe improvi"Prisonerof Love"
thatopensthe
sationalspiritof
and"Freakthe
album,hintingat
Jazz,andPikeeven
Night,"onan album
the musical
indulgesin some
that'sall divafrom
surprisesthat await
impressively
skillful
openingbeatto
adventurous
scatsinging.
closingnote.
listeners.
April 2012
I 71
REVIEWSTech Girl
Techfor Tykes
10 great gadgets for moms and tots. By Rachel Shatto
Whether you're a new mom (or an InstaMom) with a kiddo
in a cradle, or a rug-rat who is up and running around, these
are the gadgets to help you keep an eye on them or keep
them entertained-and
you sane.
I. Mini Mobile
These days even the littlest kids can get use out of a cell phone, whether
they are keeping in touch with family members or, heaven forbid, they
need to be able to call for an emergency. But most phones are overly
complex and not really up to the wear and tear kids can put on them.
Enter the Firefly,a phone designed especially for kids, with large buttons,
simple menus and handy features such as games, an MP3 player and a
one-touch emergency button. They're easy on mom's pocket too, starting at $50 and with prepaid plans so you can keep a handle on costs.
($50, firefiymobile.com)
2. Rockin' Cotton
Is your little one eager to unleash their inner Melissa Etheridge, Kaki
King or Anne McCue:' Then the Electric Rock Guitar tee from Think
Geek will have them strumming with joy. This shirt, which doubles
as an instrument, features an easy but fully playable guitar which
includes all the major chords. Simply wave the magnetic pick above
the strings and commence rocking out. It also comes with a matching
mini guitar amp that clips to a belt and can be dialed up to, you guessed
it, 11. ($20, thinkgeek.com)
3. Age-Appropriate Aperture
Kids love taking pictures, but handing over the family camera is a risky
and potentially pricey proposition, which is why Crayola's digital camera
just for kids is so fantastic. This tough as nails and simple to use camera
makes taking pictures with little hands a snap, plus the dual side
handgrips seriously up the odds that your petite photographer will be
able to keep a hold of it. ($70, hammacher.com)
•
•
•
()
4. Tablet for Tykes
Help your kids get a jump on their education with
Leap Frog's LeapPad, a tablet built just for them. Like
a traditional tablet, the LeapPad has a built in camera,
touch screen and apps. It comes with over 100 books,
games and videos that are both educational and entertaining. Built to be resilient to the bumps and drops of little
ones, the Leap Pad features content designed to help with all
aspects of your child's learning, encouraging their imagination and creativity. ($99, leapfrog.com)
5. Tracking Trifecta
While a baby monitor may help you keep a close ear on your
gayby, Angelcare's 3-in- 1 digital video, sound and movement
baby monitor takes it to a whole other level. The two-way monitor
allows you to not only hear but soothe your little one with the
sound of your voice. The camera provides a live feed transmission
that is crystal clear and transitions easily into the dark with night
vision. But what makes this package truly stand out is the underthe-mattress sensor that monitors baby's movements and will
notify you when they wake up before they even have a chance to
cry. ($300, angelcare-monitor.com)
6. Bottle Rocket
For the mombian on the go, the Yoomi is a lifesaver. If you've
ever had to deal with a hungry baby you know that time is of the
essence, because they go from cranky to meltdown fast. Fortunately,
this self- heating bottle and warmer safely heats a toddler's tipple
to breast temperature in just 60 seconds. Yoomi means no more
hunting down a hot cup of water when the clock starts ticking
down on that hungry kiddo bomb. ($33, yoomi.com)
7. Bright Idea
Up until now, pacifiers have pretty much doubled as kootie factories.
How often have you seen this move: pacifier is in the mouth, falls
on the floor, kid grabs it and pops it back in their mouth. Gross,
but true. However, there is hope for pacifier-kind: the Pipila. This
baseball-sized gadget
can sanitize the grimiest of pacifiers in just three
minutes thanks to its built
in germ-busting UV light.
Hooray! ($35, pipilausa.com)
8. Galaxy Grub
Make dinnertime flashy and fun
for your little geeklet with the Star
Trek Enterprise light up feeding system. This adorable and easy to clean motion controlled bib and spoon helps keep
fussy eaters' attention with flashing lights which 'guide" the spoon
in for a landing. Which means all you have to do is set course for
pureed carrots and ... engage. ($18, thinkgeek.com)
4. Star Gazer
Want to give your kid the Sun, Moon and stars? Well, good
news: now you can with Star Theater Pro Home Planetarium.
This top-of-the-line projector offers viewers a window into the
wonders of astronomy and can be set to slowly rotate to offer that
authentic feeling of gazing into the night sky, but with creature
comforts like climate control. It also has an auto shutoff function,
so feel free to fall asleep without fear of any unnecessary wear and
tear on our planet. ($170, thinkgeek.com)
10. Your Secret Sleepy Weapon
So you've finally got baby to sleep and schlepped your way back to
bed, only to hear the warning cry of a cranky and very awake kid.
Well, good news, there's a new secret weapon in the battle of the
bedtime: the Voice Activated Crib Light with womb sounds. At
the first sign of a wakeful child the two-pronged soothing attack
begins. First a colored light begins cycling in a calming pattern, then
the womb sounds kick in and barn, it's lights-out for the little one.
You're welcome. ($15, thinkgeek.com) ■
..l!/11111
............
.
April 2012
I 73
Vegan clam chowder at
Lakeside {left) and dim sum
at Wazuzu
Vegan Las Vegas
Ellenand Portia's personal chef brings culinary kindnessto Sin City. By Constance Parten
Celebrated vegan chef and cookbook
author Tal Ronnen (also known as Ellen
and Portia's personal chef) has collaborated
with chefs at Las Vegas' Wynn and Encore
resorts to create innovative new vegan
menus that will please even the fussiest
eater. The first resort on the Las Vegas
Strip to offer an extensive vegan culinary
program (Steve Wynn is himself vegan),
every restaurant-that's
22 food outlets,
from casual to fine dining, even room
service-at Wynn Las Vegas and Encore
offers a change from the rich and animal
protein~heavy fare normally associated with
the burgeoning Vegas dining scene.
The author of The New York Times
best~selling cookbook The Conscious Cook:
Delicious Meatless Recipes That Will Change
the Way You Eat, Ronnen is a vegan expert:
he created a 21 ~day vegan cleanse for Oprah
Winfrey and has worked in the country's top
vegan restaurants including VegiTerranean
74
I curve
restaurant, a collaboration with rocker and
animal activist Chrissie Hynde.
Once a meat eater, Ronnen made it his
life's work to be a vegan che£ His influ~
ences lie in his family: his sisters were both
vegetarian from an early age, and while
his parents were adventurous foodies who
enjoyed international cuisine, a family his~
tory of cancer and heart disease, and a
concern for animals and the environment,
made Ronnen switch to a vegan diet. It is,
he believes, something we should make an
effort to consider, even part~time. "It's the
first powerful way to do something posi~
tive for the environment-even
more so
than riding a bicycle or driving a Prius; if
Americans ate even two plant~based meals
a week it would have a huge impact on the
environment:'
If you think a vegan meal is bland and
underwhelming, consider Ronnen's vegan
"Clam Chowder" with cashew cream base
and smoked oyster mushrooms; or tuck into
his Truffied Wild Mushroom Napoleon
with garlic and herb roasted potato, arug~
ula, truffied wild mushrooms, and sundried
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Food & Wine REVIEWS
tomato. If you have simpler tastes, he makes a vegan
burger that tastes just like a burger. Sweet tooth?
Try his Chocolate Almond Brownie with raspberry
sorbet, bittersweet chocolate sauce. Whatever your
palate, there's no need to feel like an inconvenience
when dining with non~vegan company in Vegas;
and if you're a die~hard carnivore or even a pes~
catarian, maybe this is the time and place to give
yourself a break.
It's taken him a year to pull all the menus together.
"The variety is incredible. There's nowhere in the
world where you can get this much vegan food
under one roof;' Ronnen says. Take, for instance, the
"crab" cakes he created for the seafood restaurant,
Lakeside. Hearts of palm from Hawaii reminded
him of the texture of crab, so he poached the palm
in seaweed and went about creating a vegan crab
cake that would trick even the most discerning
crustacean lover.
Ronnen is inspired to make vegan food exemplary
largely because when non~meat eaters dine out
they are short~changed, often served vegetable side
dishes instead of creative main courses. "That really
motivated me to learn how to cook professionally.
I wanted to learn how to cook traditionally and
because I did that I am able to adapt what I learned
to create what I think is appealing to non~vegetarians:'
With culinary school techniques, Ronnen adapts
classic (and tasty) techniques to vegan ingredients.
Once thought of as a culinary outsider, "the weirdo
chef;' Ronnen anticipated the current shift in the
food movement. "Now everyone is interested in it.
People realize that eating the way we're eating is
not sustainable:'
And those people include Oprah and Ellen and
Portia. What's it like cooking for them? "The most
amazing experience. These are people who want to
make a difference in the world. That is what I'm
about:' Unfortunately, Ronnen signs NDAs for
his clients so he can't spill the beans on exactly
what they eat. But he delights in the experience of
having worked for them. Oprah, he says, is "a great
ambassador for eating better:' That Ellen and Portia's
vegan wedding feast generated so much intense
media speculation amuses him. "There were so many
paparazzi at the wedding that somebody got a shot
of a pizza that we had ordered for the staff and
Us magazine reported that we served pizza at the
wedding;' he laughs.
So if you really want to eat like a celesbian with
a personal vegan chef, just head to Wynn Las Vegas
and Encore and ask for the vegan menu at any one of
their dining establishments. ( wynnlasvegas.com)■
LUSH LIFE
Natalie MacLean's smart and savvy Unquenchable: A
Tipsy Quest for the World's Best Bargain Wines makes
that most mystified alcoholic beverage accessible to
all-especially those of us with slim wallets. This book
opens with a brave bouquet as Maclean declares her
quest to follow her nose for a bargain. "Can you recommend a great wine that costs less than $5?" she is
asked. "Not unless all you want is a wet tongue," she
answers. Nevertheless, she sets about sourcing approximately 147 of the best bargain international tipples and
leaves you longing to taste them. An added pleasure is
that this book reads like a tantalizing travelogue. From
Australia's iconic shiraz to Germany's riesling resurgence
to Provence's back-in-vogue rose; eight chapters take
readers traipsing through the world's top wine terrains.
Maclean shares what she knows about wine that is
good but inexpensive, and ends each chapter with her
"Fieldnotes from a Wine Cheapskate" along with tasting
menus and wine and food pairings. You meet top wine
producers and experience must-visit wineries-all from
the comfort of your armchair-and when you're done
you'll be wiser about wine than when you cracked the
spine of this nifty book. Maclean, an accredited sommelier,
is the only person to have won both the M.F.K. Fisher
Distinguished Writing Award from the James Beard
Foundation and the M.F.K. Fisher Award for Excellence
in Culinary Writing from Les Dames d'Escoffier
International. (nataliemaclean.com) [MerrynJohns]
April 2012
I 75
REVIEWSIn The Stacks
Q+A Sara Toshiko Hasu
The Megume and the Treesauthor is working to end the silence around depression in LGBT teens.
By RosannaRios Spicer
With the alarmingly high depression and
suicide rates among the LGBT community
a new young adult novel, Megume and
the Trees, offers a mirror into the lonely
landscape of depression and the hopeful
possibility of overcoming it. Written by
lesbian author Sarah Toshiko Hasu, it is
rich with cultural symbolism and a plot that
is as magical as it is darkly realistic. Megume
finds herself lost in a strange forest where
she must confront her past decisions, decide
her future and find her truth all while trying
to escape from the melancholy labyrinth of
trees and mystery. Hasu doesn't skirt the
difficult and complex topic of depression
and suicide, instead offering a map and hope
for those of us who've ever been lost in our
own thick of trees.
Whois Megumeandwhatinspiredher?
Megume is a 15~year~old girl who is lost
76
I curve
I wrote a novel that was very much about being
stuck. Because you are stuck, you have no rights
or autonomy and you may genuinely know what's
best for yourself but it doesn't matter in terms of
other people getting to make those choices.
in a metaphoricaL.and
in a very literal
sense as well. The book, which is told from
her point of view, is about how she figures
herself out in the circumstances of own
her making.
Inthenovel,Megumefinds
another
lostwoman
namedKatandtheyseemto builda strong,
evenromanticrelationship.
Whatis Kat'srole
in thestory?
Megume falling for Kat is key to finding
her truth. It's not so much that she falls in
love with a woman, it's the act of falling in
love and being in love and having someone
you care about there. Finding Kat is how
Megume sort of shakes herself out of it in
a sense. That is and that wakes her up to
realize "Oh, there were other people I cared
about and who cared about me too" that ties
her to some sense of survival.
Megumeandthe Treesdealswithsomevery
heavytopicsthat peopleof all ages can
relateto. Whydid youchooseto write the
bookfor youngadults?
I didn't specifically choose to write a book
for young adults but I've always been very aware
of how I felt when I was younger. I spent a lot of
time around adults who spent a lot of time talking
about what was best for children and young adults
without considering the individual and that always
upset me.
Megume being 15 and the story being told in her
voice, that's what makes it young adult. But I wrote a
novel that was very much about being stuck. Because
you are stuck, you have no rights or autonomy and
you may genuinely know what's best for yourself but
it doesn't matter in terms of other people getting to
make those choices. We have to set up laws to protect
young people but at the same time if you don't give
them any rights or any voice then you end up being
in a scary situation.
Is anypartof thestoryinspiredbyreallife?
I was suicidal. I was from the time I was 8 until I was
24 and you look back and say how did anyone not
notice? And part of that is, we hid it very well. We
didn't want to be interfered with. Two of the people
the book is dedicated to did commit suicide. And
that's why I couldn't take a preachy tone or make it
all be magically better in the end.
It was a moment of a reflection of my 20s that
[made me realize that] there was so much that
they missed and there was so much that I would've
missed between 8 and 24. I didn't even know I was
gay until I was 19, I could've died and not even have
known myself
What messageare you sendingin this bookabout
dealingwithdepression
andloss?
The message I would like to send is that, you're
not alone in it. But you don't know that when
you're in that place, especially when you're young.
I just wanted to write a book where if you don't
know anyone else who has struggled with this or
you don't know who you can talk to then there's
Megume. And there are definitely places you can
turn and people you can talk to.
DoyoufeelthatbeingLGBTmakesit moredifficultto
reachoutfor help?
If you feel different from your family and friends,
that's much harder. It might make it harder to think
you can find help. We live in a very heterosexual
mainstream world so we don't necessarily know
that the Trevor Project is there and it falls to these
organizations to make themselves known. It's difli~
cult to learn that you do have to save yourself. You
are the only one who decides whether you live or die.
(sarahtoshikohasu.com)■
1WILIGHTWHO?
Immortallongings
DianeDeKelb-Rittenhouse
(TinySatchelPress)
Youngadultfiction is hot right
now,thanksto wildly popular
booksserieslike TheHunger
Games,HarryPotterandthe
ubiquitousTwilight.Whileall of
thesebookshavetheir merits
andcanoffer an entertaining
read,they aren't reallyfor us;
nonefeaturequeercharactersor
reflectour comingof agestories
and,in the caseof Twilight,
offer a troubling,anti-feminist
protagonist.Fortunately,
all that is
aboutto changethanksto author
DianeDekelb-Rittenhouse's
new
lesbianyoungadultvampirenovel
ImmortalLongings.
Whenit comesto writing about
the vampiremythos,DeKelbRittenhouseis an old hand,having
previouslywritten extensivelyon
the subjectwith essaysincluding
"Sexandthe SingleVampire:The
Evolutionof the VampireLothario
andits Representation
in Buffy"
as well as adultvampirefiction
that hasbeenincludedin several
anthologiessuchas NightBites:
VampireStoriesBy Womenand
NightShade:GothicTalesby
Women.Nowsheturnsthat expertise to a youngeraudiencewith
the youngadultlesbianvampire
novel,ImmortalLonging~a first
of its kind.
As the bookopens,Laurenand
her bestfriend(with whomshe
is secretly,madlyin love),the
beautifulandtalentedbiracial
(andbisexual)Kayla,are leaving
a playwhenthey stumbleacross
a newlyopenedvintagestorerun
by a mysteriousandseductive
womannamedElizabeth.As you
mayhaveguessed,Elizabethhas
a darksanguinesecret.Soonthe
duofind themselvescaughtup
in the treacherousworld of the
undeadwhereit's up to Lauren
to protectthe girl she loves,and
maybeevenmakeher realize
they'remeantto be.
Babydykes(andgrownup
dykesfor that matter)who long
for their own Twilightwill be
delightedwith ImmortalLongings,
which hasall the romanceand
thrills of that blockbusterseries
but with a Sapphictwist. However,
despitethe easycomparison
betweenthe books,Immortal
Longingsis no carboncopyof
StephanieMeyer'sseries,as the
mythology,settingandoverall
vibe is distinctlydifferent.Plus,
the writing as a wholeis stronger,
the charactersmuchmorefully
realized-particularlythat of our
lead,Lauren,who unlikeBellais
a fully formedand multifaceted
character.Andthis is the other
way in which ImmortalLongings
differsfrom its mainstream
counterpart:Laurenis not simply
our narrator,she is our heroine.
Shedoesn'tsit by passively
observingthe action;sheplays
an activerole.Havinga female
characterwith this kind of agency
is in manywaysjust as important
for youngqueerreadersas it is to
havetheir sexualityrepresented.
Overall,ImmortalLongingsa great
readfor youngqueerwomenand
queerwomenwho are youngat
heart.[RachelShatto]
April 2012
I 77
REVIEWSIn The Stacks
Mama Drama
Two lesbian memoirs tackle the complicated lives of mothers and daughters. By Rachel Pepper
RidingFuryHome:A Memoir,ChanaWilson
(SealPress)andHowto Geta GirlPregnant,
KarleenPendletonJimenez(ZuritaBooks):
A successful memoir captures meaningful
moments and important periods in the
writer's life, so that the reader can find
commonality with it, in all its tragedies
and triumphs. Such is the case with both
Riding Fury Home, by Chana Wilson, and
Karleen Pendleton Jimenez's How to Get a
Girl Pregnant.
The more substantial of the two books,
Riding Fury Home, begins when Chana is
a young girl of 7 in 1958, and her mother
attempts to commit suicide by putting a
gun to her head. Except the gun doesn't go
off. Her mother is then taken to the first
of many mental hospitals, and eventually
given electroshock therapy.
Experimental at the time and controversial even now, these treatments did nothing
to solve her mother's depression or its
underlying cause, the fact that her mother
was gay. Gay and unhappily married to
78
I curve
Chana's father. Gay at a time when this was
something shameful something to be kept
secret, a pathology that needed "fixing:'
Because this is Chana's tale, however, these
years resonate with a child's helplessness in
the face of her mother's mental illness, and
then with a child's determination to both
care for her mother in her father's absence
and to develop her own sense of strength
to survive.
"There is a phrase I clearly remember
telling myself in my childhood, repeating
it like a mantra, a vow, a motto;' writes
Wilson. "I am so strong, I can get through
anything ... The alternative, to not cope,
to possibly let my mother die, was too
terrifying:'
However, Riding Fury Home is not just
the story of a mother's illness. After both
Wilson and her mother do indeed survive
this harrowing time, the memoir sweeps
us up into more hopeful landscapes. These
include Chana's awakening as a student
activist at Grinnell College and then her
exc1tmg years m San Francisco during
the lesbian feminist movement of the
1970s. Highlights from this time in her
life include living in a commune, dealing
with FBI surveillance, heated political
activism, sexual liberation, helping to
pioneer lesbian public radio, a return
to school to become a therapist, and her
mother's coming out in a blaze of longoverdue glory.
Wilson very accurately captures both the
vulnerable but steely-willed child of long
ago and the successful women that both
she and her mother eventually become.
This lovely memoir is a welcome resource
for those with mental illness in their families,
especially if they have to cope, as Wilson
did, with caring for a difficult but muchloved parent.
In How to Get a Girl Pregnant, Karleen
Pendleton Jimenez's journey to motherhood is traced from desire to delivery-of
sperm. Although she does eventually conceive, this memoir is less a baby tale than
the story of how she got the goods to allow
conception to occur. Paralleling so many
lesbians' journeys on the path to parenthood, Pendleton Jimenez rides a roller
coaster of optimistically planned inseminations and crushed hopes as her credit card
bill mounts and her periods keep coming.
With humor, humility, and unflinching
honesty, How to Get a Girl Pregnant also
details a butch woman's insights gained
and lessons learned-about
wishing to
conceive, anxiously waiting out a potential donor's indecision as the fertility clock
ticks, grappling with inhumane fertility
procedures and the absurd costs of frozen
sperm, turning to anonymous straight sex
as a potential solution, and eventually
networking to find a known donor who is
willing to help her and her partner, Hilary,
produce a child. An academic who also
writes LGBT-themed material including
the children's picture book Are You a Boy
or a Girl? Pendleton Jimenez knows how to
tell a story, including her own. ■
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April 2012
I 79
STARS
April Temptations
You may be led astray this month by enticing distractions.
By Charlene Lichtenstein
Aries(March21-April 20)
Turn up your charm to full blast and send it into the
cosmos. Lambda Rams find various opportunities
to meet and greet and sweep certain ladies off their
feet. You know just what to say to get just what you
want. But once having gotten it, don't rush through
the meal. Let your hot dish simmer, stew and savor
before you serve her.
Libra(Sept.24-0ct. 23)
April sends you on a long and fun vacation. And
not a moment too soon! You need to escape from
all the background static and work mumbo jumbo.
Co~workers are restless and workplace machinations
are creating roadblocks in your professional primrose
path. So plan an escape to someplace warm, wet
and "wilde:'
Taurus(April21-May 21)
Life becomes very hectic and frenetic all through
April. Not only is your presence demanded at every
top party, your dance card fills up to overflowing with
assorted admirers and hangers on. Soon this leads to
many scandalous rumors and scuttlebutt. How can
you handle so much action:'
Scorpio(Oct.24-Nov.22)
You are a hot number who knows how to add things
up. Ladies gravitate to you and you are caught up in a
whirlwind of sex and intense sensuality. But there is
more to life than just endless nights of lust. Promise
yourself that you will seek commitment, friendship
and domesticity ... eventually.
Gemini(May 22-June 21)
Take a look at yourself in the mirror. You will like
BecauseAries is the who you see. But don't let all these good looks wither
ruler of the first houseof on the vine. Grab some bosom buddies and see what
new beginningsandfirst the social scene offers in terms of delightful diversions.
impressions,SapphicRams Possibly expand your social circle by joining new
are happiestin careers groups and organizations.
Sagittarius(Nov.23-Dec. 22)
You may inadvertently take on too much responsibility
at work and find yourself just another rat in the rat
race. The secret to your success is to find ways to delegate
the more time consuming and distasteful tasks to
underlings or co~workers, if possible. Ask nicely.
Aries(March21-April 20)
wherethey can be fire
starters,getting projectsoff
the groundwith a rousing,
passionatestart. With all
this independentenergy,it
is understandable
that they
are not particularlygoodat
taking ordersandwill give a
fiery mouthto any imbecile
who tries to orderthem
around.Forthat reason,
expectyourArianwomanto
be self-employedor working
in a situationwhereshe
doesn'thavea direct boss.
Cancer(June22-July 23)
People are saying nice things about you behind
your back. Don't be oblivious to the opportunities,
especially at work. You don't even have to say or do
anything to get ahead. In fact, taking any direct action
may not be in your best interests at this time. Cool
your jets now and soar to the heights this summer.
Leo(July 24-Aug. 23)
How can you hang around your girlfriends and not
spend a bundle of money:' It may be difficult but try
to spend within your means without being mean.
Proud Lionesses can be generous to a fault. Maybe
you should prowl around and snag a well~endowed
benefactress to help you fill your bathtub with sweet,
bubbling champagne.
Virgo(Aug.24-Sept. 23)
It is time to make a big career move. You delight those
Charlene
Lichtenstein
is
theauthorofHerScopes: in charge and have the personal oomph to make big
things happen in any long~term goals. So what are
A GuidetoAstrology
you
waiting for:' You may feel a lack of confidence but
for Lesbians
(Simon&
this is temporary. Carefully plan your next move and
Schuster)
(tinyurl.com/HerScopes).
Nowavailableasan ebook.
wait for the right time to take action.
so I curve
Capricorn(Dec.23-Jan. 20)
Travel plans may go awry but that doesn't mean you
should stay home and look at the walls. In fact,
family and gal pals may come to your rescue and offer
you pleasant pastimes and calming, stress reducing
escapes. Put your itinerary on the backburner and
embrace the cosmos with massages, meditation and
mellowness.
Aquarius(Jan.21-Feb. 19)
Love and the pursuit of it could wind up costing you
more than you think. You may become blinded by
lust and want to give her everything and anything
you can. How about focusing on simple pleasures
like a walk in the park or a cozy night at home with
an early bird special:'
Pisces(Feb.20-March 20)
First impressions can be lasting impressions so think
carefully before you reach out to someone who you
do not know well. Even better, hang around those ><
0
who know you well and who appreciate you for who ~
you are. Entertain more at home and give relation~ ~
~
ships more time and space to develop. You will be the @
big fish in the pond by the summer, Guppie. ■
~
TRACYCHAPMAN/ KIRSTENVANGSNESS / SANDRABERNHARD/
JODIE FOSTER/ ANI DIFRANCO/ MELISSAETHERIDGE/TAMMYLYNN
MICHAELS/ ALEXANDRAHEDISON/ LILYTOMLIN/ KELLYMCGILLIS/
SARA GILBERT/ JENNY SHIMIZU/ MARTINANAVRATILOVA/KATE
CLINTON/ MICHELLEWOLFF/ CLEA DUVALL/ TEGAN & SARA/ JANE
LYNCH/ K,D, LANG / JACKIEWARNER/ ANNE HECHE/ MEREDITH
BAXTER/ JANIS IAN/ WE GOT THEM COVERED / ANGELINAJOLIE/
KRISTANNALOKEN/ JOEY LAURENADAMS / TALLULAHBANKHEAD
LAURELHOLLOMAN/ DREW BARRYMORE/ AMANDA BEARSE/
CRYSTALBERNARD/ BILLYJEAN KING/ CHAZ BONO / AMBER HEARD
/ OREADE MATTEO/ CRIS WILLIAMSON/ FERRON/ ALIXDOBKIN
/ JOAN JETT/ SUBSCRIBE+ SEE/ CATHYDEBUONO/ MARLENE
DIETRICH/ AMANDA DONOHOE / GINA GERSHON/ LINDAFIORENTINO
/ JILL BENNETT/ PEGGYSHAW/ GRETAGARBO / ULRIKEFOLKERTS
/ INDIGOGIRLS/ ROSIEJONES / LAURENHAYS/ BAI LING/ MELISSA
FERRICK/ FRIDAKAHLO / REGINALUND / ROXANNEMICHAELS
/ NICOLERAYBURN/ TOSHI REAGON/ MICHELLERODRIGUEZ/
FIONASHAW/ ALLYSHEEDY/ ALICIASILVERSTONE/IONESKYE/
BARBARASTANWYCK/ RACHELMADDOW/ ELLENDEGENERES/
PORTIADEGENERES/ SAFFRONBURROWS/ FIONASHAW/ SARAH
PAULSON/ CHERRYJONES / LEISHAHAILEY/ HEATHERMATARAZZO
/ CYNTHIANIXON/ KYLIEMINOGUE/ MADONNA/ WANDA SYKES/
RUBY ROSE/ GUINEVERETURNER/ SUZE ORMAN / CLEMENTINE
FORD/ ROSIE0 DONNELL/ JILLIANMICHAELS/ BRANDICARLILE/
DEL MARTIN/ WANDA SYKES/ COURTENAYSEMEL/ BETH DITTO/
DANIELASEA / MARGARETCHO / RACHELROBINSON/ GRETCHEN
PHILLIPS/ SUZANNEWESTENHOEFER
/ CHELYWRIGHT/ PHYLLIS
LYON/ CURVEMAG.COM / MEGAN FOX/ KATEMOENNIG/ AMELIE
MAURESMO/ ROBYN/ BITCH/ AUDRELORD / DORIAROBERTS/
SARAH SHAHI/ SHERYLSWOOPES/ CATIECURTIS/ CHRISTINA
AGUILERA/ LADY GAGA/ OPRAH/ HILLARYCLINTON/ JANE VELEZMITCHELL/ KRISTENSTEWART/ ILENECHAIKEN/ MARGARETHE
CAMMERMEYER/ SAM RONSON/ LINDSAYLOHAN
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